SOOOOOOOO angry right now

[SolG]

I haven't posted on here about my A for quite a while, but tonight I just feel like I need somewhere to let this out. I don't really have any questions here. Just wanting to vent.

 

Tomorrow is the 4th year anniversary of our A and I'm flying out first thing in the morning to spend the weekend with MM. To 'celebrate'. I want to (can't wait to) see him so badly, and hate that I do.

 

For the first two years I was (we both were) pretty oblivious to the reality of what we were doing. None of the damage was really evident to us, we weren't even consciously aware of it. Naive in the extreme and so blinded by limerence. In all the fantasy it didn't even occur to me... I didn't even ponder beyond the next assignation.

 

However, the last two years have been a living hell. For all concerned as he journeys down the supposed path to separation and an open relationship with me. I reiterate 'supposed'. This is yet to be emphatically proven.

 

I'm a really (academically, not common sense wise obviously!) intelligent woman. I am well paid and highly professionally regarded. I'm not unattractive. I have my own means, and my own life. So how the hell did I end up here and why do I remain? I seriously look at myself in the mirror sometimes and just marvel at the sh*t the woman looking back at me has willingly chosen to endure and participate in.

 

If I look at this objectively and imagine another woman coming up to me and relating my own A story, I cannot imagine not counselling her to leave. And on the inside I would silently judge her as pathetically colluding in her own disrespect and destruction. All for some delusional sense of 'love' that is not reciprocated; if reciprocation is measured by meaningful demonstrable action.

 

At the end of the day it doesn't matter how insincere or otherwise my MM is, or how much he hurts me. I am the one who chooses to stay and by doing so implicitly approves his actions (or inactions as the case may be). I am the one who is responsible for my own circumstances and outcomes. MM is not responsible for me, I am.

 

At times I am absolutely furious with MM. But at the end of the day, I reserve the most vicious of self-loathing for the one enabling this. Me. As I approach this four-year anniversary, the one I am most angry with is ME.

[Philosoraptor]

Well at least you own it.

 

So what scares you about ending the affair?

[SolG]

So what scares you about ending the affair?

 

Ah Philo. And therein lies the root of the matter. Fear.

 

For me, it is not fear of being alone; I am quite comfortable with my own company. Particularly after the end of a long marriage in which the luxury of my own company was something that I craved. And then along came MM.

 

The truth is I am completely in love with, and adore MM. That I have never felt this type of connection on multiple levels ever before. I fear that if I don't give this thing every opportunity to come to fruition that I will have lost something unique and special and the potential that that entails.

 

But the flip side is my logic that keeps telling me that the opportunities are really concessions that assault my values.

 

On one hand I fear losing him (and us and all the potential that entails), and on the other I fear losing myself :-( These fears are finely balanced at the moment. But they cannot remain that way forever.

[Philosoraptor]

Ah Philo. And therein lies the root of the matter. Fear.

That read as obvious, as you have a clear grasp of the negatives this has on your life and self view.

 

I stayed in a bad relationship out of fear. Thought I was in love and would never feel that strongly again. Eventually once it finally ended I healed up and met my now wife. I wasted many years unhappy convinced that if I left I'd not find something better. Time I'll never get back.

 

Life is too short to spend any of it miserable, especially when you're miserable with yourself. I came up with a strange motto, but it worked for me. "A meteor could come blasting out the sky and blow my head off at any second, is this how I want to spend my last moment?". Changed my entire outlook and put my happiness back in my control.

 

Life is short, take control back and never let the control of your happiness belong to someone else.

[sam98]

i'm not one to judge bc i've done the exact same thing. But life is short and on your death bed, you're not going to ever regret ending an affair. Even if you never feel that connection again, it'll still be worth leaving the A (not even admitting the connection is really as real as it feels right now, only time and distance will tell). Find someone else. Reading you post makes me view my own situation as an outsider and helps me move on.

[whichwayisup]

This is good, but if it's just a vent to let out steam, nothing will change. You'll be just settling and accepting what he is able to give you, an affair on his terms and time frame.

 

I hope soon you get strong enough and end it.

 

You'll hurt for a while but you'll survive.

 

This "love" is unhealthy and doing a lot of damage to you. The emotional stress and roller coaster ride has to be taking a toll on you, affecting your daily life.

 

Continue to feel mad, reach that stage where you are fed up enough to finally realize you're getting nothing and he is the one who benefits most.

 

Can you imagine your life still with him in another 4-10 years? Still the OW, still having the affair, still second fiddle, all the meanwhile he has his family life, spending holidays with them, celebrating his birthday etc...

Edited August 7, 2014 by whichwayisup

[gettingstronger]

Well, you are part of the way there because you can admit to the lack of logic in your relationship-

 

He is a lucky guy in that he was able to capture your heart and you are so far staying in your place and seem OK with it-

 

I guess the question is- where do you see yourself in 4 more years- what do you want your life to look like and how will you get there-

 

My guess is if you are internalizing everything and are OK with your role, nothing will change with him- he sees it as no harm, no foul-his wife does not know (I assume) and you are outwardly fine with the uncomfortableness of what you are doing to yourself-

 

You are accepting of this and so it relieves him of any guilt of "hurting you"-

[jwi71]

Ah Philo. And therein lies the root of the matter. Fear.

 

Fear of what?

As you say later - "not having him around".

Well, exactly how "around" is he now? Can those few days (loss thereof) be generating such fear? It sounds to me as if he is more like the "blankie" a child refuses to leave behind. Feels good...but doesn't actually offer anything to the the child.

 

I fear that if I don't give this thing every opportunity to come to fruition that I will have lost something unique and special and the potential that that entails.

 

So what other opportunities can you offer him?

And what are you offering?

(and maybe you offer already all he wants? - meaning anything over and above is...wasted)

 

But the flip side is my logic that keeps telling me that the opportunities are really concessions that assault my values.

 

Bargaining. Great at flea markets not so much in an R. Right away you KNOW something is wrong. Compromising one's values to keep an R is selling yourself short. Surrendering more of you for...what?

 

I wonder, if you look back at "the line"...how many times and how far has it moved? I bet you are surprised to see how far you moved it. Did you ever envision that you would move it so far for so little? What did he offer? Has he delivered on his "offer"? Or was the offer solely in your mind?

 

On one hand I fear losing him (and us and all the potential that entails), and on the other I fear losing myself :-( These fears are finely balanced at the moment. But they cannot remain that way forever.

 

Fear is a prison in the mind we create ourselves - whose escape is simple. Face it - like the bully in the schoolyard, they tend to fade quickly when confronted - fought. Fear is of our own creation - and as easily as we create it we can destroy it.

 

So this fear keeps you rooted in actions you yourself find damaging. Fear that if you do one thing slightly different - he is lost, that connection (which appears to be asynchronous) gone. And we find conflict.

 

You speak of opportunity - which suggests something different - something more to ...well, what exactly?

And it appears fear of changing anything - the opposite of the above - keeps you rooted in this cycle.

 

But really, what "opportunity" can YOU offer that he isn't already aware?

Will you move "the line" some more?

Be a sexual acrobat?

Money?

Happiness? (How can you offer what you do not have?)

 

Just random thoughts.

[Ronni_W]

I have never felt this type of connection on multiple levels ever before. I fear that if I don't give this thing every opportunity to come to fruition that I will have lost something unique and special and the potential that that entails.

Does he know that you've been in a living hell for two years while he takes his leisurely stroll towards being with you?

If so, the potential -- as you are crystallizing it for yourself right now -- might just always stay in potential and only seldom, if ever, become manifest in your real relationship with him.

 

Not that the connection and uniqueness and specialness that you're feeling are not real and true and deep...only, I guess, be sure that you are holding out for more than just potential and/or expectation that it will be fulfilled according to your present vision.

 

Hugs and best.

[DKT3]

I divorced my wife within 10 months of making the decision that it was over. We have two kids and we had been together since we were 17. About 19 years together. I didn't have a woman waiting in the wings that I claimed I loved and wanted to be with.

 

Point being, after four years he isn't going anywhere, he simply wants to eat cake. If he told you that you would cut him off so he future fakes to string you along.

 

You're a smart woman I'm not telling you anything you don't know, I hope.

[MissBee]

SolG,

 

I can relate to a lot of how you feel.

 

While I'm no longer in the A over this summer I've been in the same country as my exAP and had mixed feelings about seeing him and initially chose not to contact him, esp since I have a boyfriend now. However, as luck would have it , he contacted me as he heard I was around and wanted to get together. I ended up agreeing and it didn't help that I've been dissatisfied with my current boyfriend as I've felt we've not connected in the way I need and the initial honeymoon has worn off and I'm wondering if we're really cut out to be together....

 

A little back story: The A ended about 6 years ago and in that time after we tried at a normal relationship sort of but a lot of his unavailability and indecision spilled over into things even though he was single. Also, we had been NC for a year and then sort of spoke again on and off but I had another relationship after the A and we had lots of time apart before trying again and it wasn't a case of him leaving for me or us jumping into something right after he left.

 

Long story short, met with exAP and it was like we never missed a beat. I haven't seen him face to face in several years yet it was like we never stopped speaking. Which got me to really think a lot about "connections"and what they mean and don't mean. I've said that to be honest, to date even though I've moved on and haven't consciously wanted him, the connection hasn't been replicated and it's a powerful one. It really has been weighing on my mind and just in time my bestfriend was telling me about a book she was reading called Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. I'm not far into it but the initial parts of it discuss the dynamics of romantic love and why you feel strong connections to some people and not others and it is so eye-opening and really breaks down, and demystifies in a lot of ways, romantic love. Mainly it discusses that we're primarily attracted to people who represent both the negative and positive traits of our primary caretakers and those who represent the repressed qualities of ourselves. It discusses how the people we tend to feel instant connection with and the strongest connections often are most like our caretakers and most often in a negative way even though we may consciously try to avoid such people...the book delves into the unconscious and primitive brain and how that stores information and affects our choices etc.

 

Anyway it's an interesting read and has been really helpful to me as I've been admittedly rustled and bothered by this connection that although I'm out of the A and as I said don't sit around worrying about my exAP and wanting him, he did become the standard and I told my bestfriend, it's like FB. You can't actually delete your FB...you can only deactivate it, but it's always there and all you have to do is log back in and everything is how you left it. That's how it feels with my exAP. I don't daily think about him or actively want him and it's deactivated but the connection isn't gone. And also all the hurt and everything came back...because he's just as unavailable, even in a casual sense, unable to even give me a normal friendship (he's no longer with and hasn't been with the woman he cheated on for years now)...as we planned to get together again for lunch and he just couldn't get it together and all the old disappointment, hurt, rejection etc came back...yet I found myself angry that I kept waiting for his call or text to update me or reschedule before I leave and I felt like I was the OW again in the A. But reading that book helped and helped me to see how my exAP has ALL the negative traits about my dad and explains why I connected with him so much and why he still has some "power" when we do communicate. It sort of demystified it and took out the romantic soulmate interpretation for a more realistic one...because esp if your soulmate is someone who cannot or isn't giving you what you want and is hurting you or making you insecure, chances are the connection is something that is deep and coming from a place you need to heal and isn't necessarily about "once in a lifetime love."

Edited August 7, 2014 by MissBee

[LovelySweet]

I divorced my wife within 10 months of making the decision that it was over. We have two kids and we had been together since we were 17. About 19 years together. I didn't have a woman waiting in the wings that I claimed I loved and wanted to be with.

 

Point being, after four years he isn't going anywhere, he simply wants to eat cake. If he told you that you would cut him off so he future fakes to string you along.

 

You're a smart woman I'm not telling you anything you don't know, I hope.

 

This is brilliant. Eye opening for me. Thank you.

[blue963]

Yes....I am also angry at myself for doing this to myself. All I have to do is open up my mouth and say NO. Thanks for the post. You are not alone in the way you feel.