Husband 40 years older & ill, I'm going mad!

[Cloud794]

Dear everyone,

 

I am unable to cope anymore - please help me with some advice/ personal opinions. Thank you very much indeed, and apologies for this long message!

 

I am 37, married to a man who is 77. We have been married 7 years, we have no children. We have been little more than good friends, we have got on well and he is a wonderful person. However, he is not sociable and until recently I have spent all my little free time with him, ending up with no friends/ hobbies etc. I am not close to my family, who live in a different country and who inflicted horrific abuse on me as a child. I am trying to make some friends, but I have nobody close.

 

There is nothing left for me in this marriage, I am suffocating and absolutely hate going home after work, as there is never anything to do other than talk about the weather, watch a film and think of what to say next. I have repressed very much of who I am and badly miss being able to share my music, books, dreams. I married because I needed emotional security after a 10-year long abusive relationship. Big mistake, I realised too late. I have been in therapy for six months, which helps a little, but I am losing the will to live and have started to fear for my job. For a few months now I have been unable to concentrate properly, I just cry and get more and more desperate every day.

 

He has prostate cancer. Pretty advanced, but stable. Not life threatening or limiting. He is active, goes out a lot on his own, goes to classes, learns new things. He helps with the housework and has always been kind to me (apart from being controlling in a subtle way and refusing to socialise because 'I am the only friend he needs'). He has two grown-up children in different parts of the country, who have always been pretty horrible to him (and to me). So, like me, he has nobody, in effect.

 

We have no savings. The house we live in is in my name, with a big mortgage, and other debt. I pay most of the bills and have virtually no disposable income. If we sell the house, the increase in value will only just cover the debt. So, in effect, we have nothing. I have a good job and a reasonable salary, he has a very small pension.

 

I have been considering divorce or separation, as I feel I am dying inside. I need new thoughts in my head, I need to meet new people, I crave a meaningful relationship and being able to do things with someone of a similar age. I have not had sex for nine years and it is really, really difficult to cope. But leaving him now, at his age, in his situation, seems to me like the most disgusting thing a human being could do to another. He is a good person and has not done anything bad. But I am going mad! My thoughts are burning my head, I cannot sleep, I hate being alive and conscious. I was devastated when I heard of his cancer and some of my colleagues know that. I keep thinking what they will say/ think hearing that I am now abandoning him. But, more importantly, I am thinking about how he must feel, and how I would feel all my life knowing that I have abandoned him. Yet, if things become worse, I will need to be his full-time carer - I can't afford that, neither financially, nor emotionally. I have not had a life, I've just jumped from one abuse to another, and now this.

 

If we were to divorce, he would get some financial help from the council and I would be happy to help as much as I could. But I CAN'T ask him to move out, or move into a care home, or to get a divorce. I CAN'T do this - I am the only person he has!

 

What would you do in my situation? What would you advise me, looking at this from a more objective perspective? How could I look at this in a way that would feel less horrible and more manageable?

 

Thank you so much for reading, and for any word of advice you may have!

 

Kind regards,

 

C. (UK)

[stillafool]

Tough situation you are in and I completely understand how you feel about leaving him in this way. Can't you still go out and socialize on your own with people without him? I think you need to do this for your own sanity.

[Cloud794]

Tough situation you are in and I completely understand how you feel about leaving him in this way. Can't you still go out and socialize on your own with people without him? I think you need to do this for your own sanity.

 

Hey there! Thank you for your kind reply! I am trying to do that now, but I am worrying about the future. Think if I am to leave him it would be better to do that sooner rather than later. I feel completely despicable even thinking about this, but if he does fall seriously ill how could I leave him then? He could then need me for 10-20 years, but I no longer have the emotional (nor financial) resources for that...

[d0nnivain]

At some point you loved him enough to marry him. It's also clear that you are caring person.

 

Can you do anything including marriage counseling to try to put your marriage back on track & make is pleasurable again for both of you. Depending on the state of his illness, the sex thing may be off the table but hugging & kissing should still be OK. Why can't you share your "music, books, & dreams"with him? Have you ever approached him with this or offered to go to one of his classes?

[Mr. Lucky]

What would you do in my situation? What would you advise me, looking at this from a more objective perspective? How could I look at this in a way that would feel less horrible and more manageable?

I think any marriage with that huge age difference is going to require some unusual accommodations. While you do a good job of describing the initial attraction, you'll never be at the same stage in terms of life experience, development, goals and (unfortunately) health.

 

Can you consider staying together in a platonic and caring marriage while you have an outside romantic relationship? You may need this or other "out of the box" solutions to address your situation.

 

I was touched by the obvious compassion in your post . You sound like a good person in a tough spot ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cloud794]

At some point you loved him enough to marry him.

 

Maybe. My parents beat the hell out of me as a child, for absolutely nothing. I was six when I first tried to kill myself. When I was 18, I started a 10-year relationship with a guy who turned out to be a psycho, who forced me to give up all my friends, personal style and career prospects. (Don't ask why I put up with that - I don't know. Quite possibly, because he was clean and had a library, whereas in my home there were never any books, which I craved.) I had only recently split up with this guy when I met my current husband. So, yes, maybe I loved him. Or maybe I didn't know what love was.

 

Can you do anything including marriage counseling to try to put your marriage back on track & make is pleasurable again for both of you.

 

I have thought of this long and hard. The problem is we were too different to begin with, and the biggest difference of all - age - is becoming more and more evident as time passes. We went out with colleagues and had people over for dinner for a few years, but that is no longer feasible. He gets tired easily and doesn't fit well with younger people any more (e.g., keeps telling the same stories all over again, since his childhood before was war).

 

Why can't you share your "music, books, & dreams"with him? Have you ever approached him with this or offered to go to one of his classes?

 

I share some of them. Many of them I have tried to share, but he says they're not his 'kind of thing'. I have not offered to go to his classes (they are for people his age), but I have taken him with me to events we're both interested in. There are many, however, that I would like to go to, but he's not interested in or are simply too strenuous for him (e.g., festivals, pop concerts). For many years I've done nothing without him, not wanting to leave him behind. That's how I ended up with no friends, no hobbies of my own, no breathing space, no sense of personal identity outside my (very stressful) job.

 

If there was a way for this marriage to be saved, I'm sure it'd be along the lines you have recommended. Thank you!

[Cloud794]

Can you consider staying together in a platonic and caring marriage while you have an outside romantic relationship?

 

The first part is what I have done all these years and what I will probably keep doing for a good while. The second part is much harder. To be perfectly honest, I really wish there was somebody else, somebody more similar to me, to help me remember why it can be great to be alive. I don't know how to find that person. I have tried to make friends through some online dating sites, and have reached the conclusion that there are two broad categories of people out there: 1) those who would be very happy to have an affair me with 'with no strings attached' - who are not the kind of people I need or want, and 2) those who are the kind of people I need and want, good quality people that could help me keep growing as a person, but who wouldn't want to get involved with a married woman.

 

I am trying to socialise without him, but so far I haven't managed to do much other than go out for a few meals with colleagues, so we invariably end up talking about work. I don't really know how to make new friends, though I like to think I am sociable and funny (when I don't feel like packing it all in). I have joined a meetup site and have gone to an interesting philosophical debate. Will continue...

 

I was touched by the obvious compassion in your post . You sound like a good person in a tough spot ...

 

And I was touched by your kind reply. I realise nobody will be able to tell me 'do this and everything will be all right'. But it helps a lot to know other people think it is normal for me to react like this and this doesn't necessarily make me a horrible person. Thank you kindly.

[bathtub-row]

He's really like a grandfather to you, not a husband. The age difference between the two of you is just too great.

 

You may want to talk to him about what you're going through and suggest that the two of you divorce but that you'll still be his friend, be there for him, whatever. Just like you would a grandfather. You might be surprised that the two of you can agree on something that works. Even if he doesn't agree with you, you need to do what's best for you. I would personally go for the option of divorce but would continue to take care of him.

 

And while you're feeling sorry for him, I don't. He knew exactly what he was doing to you when he married you. He knew he was setting you up with an old guy when he was 70 and you were 30. He knew you were in a desperate situation and he took advantage of it; and he knows that he's controlling you through guilt.

 

Now, 7 years later, things are swiftly going downhill. What a shock. He knew there would come a day that you would want out. He's not naive about this and he's more culpable than you are in this circumstance. He has no right to steal your youth and expect you to have a sexless life while being tied to an old guy. And he has no right to use you as his nursemaid. This is just an all-out bad situation that needs to be fixed in the best way it can be.

 

 

P.S. Please don't let this bring you down to the point that you end up losing your job. It's not worth it. Do your best at work, forget this stuff when you're there, and then figure out what you're going to do. Don't sabotage other aspects of your life. That will only make things worse.

Edited August 8, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Cloud794]

...

 

Thank you! That's the kind of friendly, sage and uninvolved advice I would have needed 7-8 years ago, had I had a proper family and support network. I expect I'll keep coming back to reread your message several times a week from now on...

 

You may want to talk to him about what you're going through and suggest that the two of you divorce but that you'll still be his friend, be there for him, whatever.

 

We talked very seriously last night (+ three half-hearted attempts before). He is happy to consider some sort of separation agreement after the winter, but not divorce. I felt better, less desperate after we talked, but then felt despondent again realising there are still many months ahead with no change.

 

I would personally go for the option of divorce but would continue to take care of him.

 

I think that is what I would like to do. Possibly after the winter, like he said. The hardest thing of all I have to work on is getting the guts to make such a massive change that would be entirely for my own benefit (in the sense that he has no reason to want to change anything, all the reasons are mine).

 

He knew exactly what he was doing to you when he married you. He knew he was setting you up with an old guy when he was 70 and you were 30. He knew you were in a desperate situation and he took advantage of it; and he knows that he's controlling you through guilt. [...] He's not naive about this and he's more culpable than you are in this circumstance.

 

This is very interesting. I mentioned I'd been in therapy for a few months. The therapist said similar things. This had never crossed my mind before. I then began to realise that, in very subtle ways, this relationship isn't very different from the one I had before, except in that one all the restrictions were explicit. (And the guy was just one year older.)

 

I asked him once what he thought our future would be when we married, and what he thought now our future would be. He said he'd never thought of that. Was just happy to enjoy the moment. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's part of the age difference. Maybe that's what happens when most of your life is behind you, when you've actually had a life...

 

I've also hinted at how difficult it is for me not to have any (proper, complete) intimacy for so long. Apparently, that's also something he'd never thought of.

 

Please don't let this bring you down to the point that you end up losing your job. It's not worth it. Do your best at work, forget this stuff when you're there, and then figure out what you're going to do. Don't sabotage other aspects of your life. That will only make things worse.

 

I know. A steady income is pretty much the only good thing in my life right now. I've managed to forget all this while at work for many years, but that's not been possible in the last few weeks/ months.

 

But this is helping a lot. Being able to hear other people's perspectives helps enormously in two different ways: it helps me feel less lonely, and it will help me make better informed decisions based on different kinds of life experience.

 

Thank you all very much!

[Mascara]

I agree that age gaps feel wider as you get older. Between 22 and 39 I only dated men who were at least 15 years older. Now in my 40s, that age group are in their 60s - they seem downright elderly and I'm not interested, even a little bit. My boyfriend now is my age (actually a year or two younger).

 

I say this with utter kindness, I hope you know that.... but you must have kind of know what the years to come would be like when you married a 70 year old man? The whole sickness and health thing... you'd have to have expected the former.

 

Normally, couples grow old together, so they are at the same stages with regard to gradual decline, sickness, infirmity - or they at least know they could be, so they have no problem seeing the other one through it.

 

It's no surprise to me that you can no longer do it. Older men never suspect that their young girlfriends will reach their late 30s and be over it, but it happened to me and it happened to you. A lot of the responsibility must lie with him, he's been through those years and he must know that you change as you approach 40 - did he never think he was being unfair to you? Did he not think he should have looked for a 70 year old wife, or was he too busy being flattered that someone so much younger was interested in him, as happens so often?

 

As to what you do now, I really don't know. Part of me thinks you have the right to pursue happiness, but the other part thinks that he IS your husband, and he is elderly and sick - and that is where the commitment of marriage matters.

[Cloud794]

As to what you do now, I really don't know. Part of me thinks you have the right to pursue happiness, but the other part thinks that he IS your husband, and he is elderly and sick - and that is where the commitment of marriage matters.

 

Yes, that's exactly how I feel too - which is why I'm going round the bend!

 

It's interesting that you've had such a similar experience. I am glad to hear you were wiser and kept your options open, though.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply! Much appreciated.

[Haydn]

You are a caring compassionate person and you feel a natural sense of duty to him. The age gap is large and you both require different things but you can't waste your possible happy future. Do more outside activities, widen your social circle. It's a hard one but there is some splendid advice from other posters. Good luck to you both.

[Cloud794]

Do more outside activities, widen your social circle.

 

Yes, that's really the only thing that can help me right now, while I decide what to do long-term.

 

there is some splendid advice from other posters

 

Indeed! I am touched and grateful for all the replies!

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts & good luck to you too, with everything.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you! That's the kind of friendly, sage and uninvolved advice I would have needed 7-8 years ago, had I had a proper family and support network. I expect I'll keep coming back to reread your message several times a week from now on...

 

We talked very seriously last night (+ three half-hearted attempts before). He is happy to consider some sort of separation agreement after the winter, but not divorce. I felt better, less desperate after we talked, but then felt despondent again realising there are still many months ahead with no change.

 

I think that is what I would like to do. Possibly after the winter, like he said. The hardest thing of all I have to work on is getting the guts to make such a massive change that would be entirely for my own benefit (in the sense that he has no reason to want to change anything, all the reasons are mine).

 

This is very interesting. I mentioned I'd been in therapy for a few months. The therapist said similar things. This had never crossed my mind before. I then began to realise that, in very subtle ways, this relationship isn't very different from the one I had before, except in that one all the restrictions were explicit. (And the guy was just one year older.)

 

I asked him once what he thought our future would be when we married, and what he thought now our future would be. He said he'd never thought of that. Was just happy to enjoy the moment. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's part of the age difference. Maybe that's what happens when most of your life is behind you, when you've actually had a life...

 

I've also hinted at how difficult it is for me not to have any (proper, complete) intimacy for so long. Apparently, that's also something he'd never thought of.

 

I know. A steady income is pretty much the only good thing in my life right now. I've managed to forget all this while at work for many years, but that's not been possible in the last few weeks/ months.

 

But this is helping a lot. Being able to hear other people's perspectives helps enormously in two different ways: it helps me feel less lonely, and it will help me make better informed decisions based on different kinds of life experience.

 

Thank you all very much!

 

Well, this is the beauty of divorce - you don't have to get his permission or approval. He doesn't get to give you a timeline, either.

 

I don't know if your husband is like my ex but I used to be married to someone that my sister referred to as "the benevolent manipulator". I felt completely suffocated while I was married to him but he manipulated in such subtle ways, seemingly so genuine, that I could never really see it. I just felt like I was dying when I was around him. It was very hard for me to figure out. But when I left, my eyes were opened. The reason I say this is because your husband says that he never thought about what he was doing. Sorry, I call BS on that one. A person doesn't get to the age of 70 without fully understanding consequences.

 

I totally understand the loyalty thing and it's obviously your call. I'm glad my words were helpful. It's tough when you don't have family as support.

[TAV]

I think you know what to do, OP. You got some great advice here.

 

Can I just ask you to stop and think before you enter your next relationship? Maybe with the help of your therapist? Despite not wanting a controlling abusive relationship you are drawn to it because it is familiar to you. Only you can break that pattern.

 

Don't jump into anything, get to know the man, also during his bad days and please be aware that controlling men picked you for a reason; it is not coincidence. So be careful.

 

I really do hope that something beautiful will follow all this misery you had to endure.

[bananatree]

Please don't beat yourself up, honey.

 

You are not a bad person for wanting to leave. I completely agree with PP that your husband knew what he was getting into and could have foreseen that this day would come. I agree that you didn't make the wisest choice about picking a mate, but victims of abuse and neglect often don't. It's not your fault. It's good you are seeing a therapist and working through these issues.

 

Often times women (and men) who never had caring fathers choose to marry older men to replicate that father/daughter bond that was cruelly denied to them when they were young.

 

I never knew my father either. I wasn't abused, but I was raised by a single mother with Autism spectrum disorder, so my childhood was incredibly lonely and sad. I also chose to marry a much older man (only 20 years!) and I'm leaving too. In our case, the age difference isn't the biggest issue, but it certainly IS an issue. Not everyone in age-gap relationships faces major problems, but it certainly makes things harder.

 

I agree that you can still be a support to him, if you choose. Please don't waste the rest of your life out of guilt. You really don't owe him anything, other than the basic respect you would give anyone. Things change, divorce happens, it's ok!

[Cloud794]

I don't know if your husband is like my ex but I used to be married to someone that my sister referred to as "the benevolent manipulator". I felt completely suffocated while I was married to him but he manipulated in such subtle ways, seemingly so genuine, that I could never really see it. I just felt like I was dying when I was around him. It was very hard for me to figure out.

 

Haha! SPOT ON! Except my family think he's great. (My sister and my mother spent a holiday each with us, separately, so we took them places, bought them treats etc. - all on my money, of course.) We rarely speak on the phone, but when we do they never forget to tell me how wonderful he is, how I need to take care of him and how I mustn't be stupid (whatever that means). I'm sure they would take his side if I were to tell them what I'm going through.

[Cloud794]

Can I just ask you to stop and think before you enter your next relationship? Maybe with the help of your therapist? Despite not wanting a controlling abusive relationship you are drawn to it because it is familiar to you. Only you can break that pattern. [...] please be aware that controlling men picked you for a reason; it is not coincidence

 

Yes! This is very much on my mind (though I needed help to realise it). I'm only hoping two doesn't necessarily indicate a pattern. Maybe it's just a coincidence, maybe it's just a matter of time, maybe, maybe...

 

Don't jump into anything, get to know the man, also during his bad days

 

I'm probably going to the other extreme, but I can't see myself ever getting married again. I do dearly wish I would remember the suffocating feeling of being like an animal that has outgrown its cage.

 

Thank you for your kind words!

[Cloud794]

Often times women (and men) who never had caring fathers choose to marry older men to replicate that father/daughter bond that was cruelly denied to them when they were young.

 

Hm. Yes. My mother and father took turns to beat me and my sister up. Not that any child ever deserves to be hurt, but we were really good children too. I always had top results at school, though I never had any help, neither any books at home or other resources, nor peace and quiet to do my homework, and having to go to school covered in bruises and with clumps of hair missing. When I was a teenager my mother explained to me in graphical detail how she tried to get rid of me until she was seven months pregnant. Now they are oh so proud of their daughter, who has achieved so much! I suppose I've been really lucky to at least build a career out of nothing, but my sister has a stupid menial job, married the first man who asked her when she was 19, who's now been to prison twice for assault...

 

I never knew my father either. I wasn't abused, but I was raised by a single mother with Autism spectrum disorder, so my childhood was incredibly lonely and sad. I also chose to marry a much older man (only 20 years!) and I'm leaving too.

 

I am so sorry to hear of your experience! It's really sad to see these patterns and I am beginning to doubt that these childhood scars can ever be healed.

 

I hope it all goes well with your divorce/ separation etc. I hope you can soon find peace, acceptance and joy.

[TAV]

Hm. Yes. My mother and father took turns to beat me and my sister up. Not that any child ever deserves to be hurt, but we were really good children too. I always had top results at school, though I never had any help, neither any books at home or other resources, nor peace and quiet to do my homework, and having to go to school covered in bruises and with clumps of hair missing. When I was a teenager my mother explained to me in graphical detail how she tried to get rid of me until she was seven months pregnant. Now they are oh so proud of their daughter, who has achieved so much! I suppose I've been really lucky to at least build a career out of nothing, but my sister has a stupid menial job, married the first man who asked her when she was 19, who's now been to prison twice for assault...

 

 

 

OP, be proud of what you have become despite everything you've gone through. That in itself is a huge accomplishment and you did that, all on your own. It shows you what you actually are capable of should you ever doubt yourself in future.

Edited August 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cloud794]

OP, be proud of what you have become despite everything you've gone through. That in itself is a huge accomplishment and you did that, all on your own. It shows you what you actually are capable of should you ever doubt yourself in future.

 

Thank you kindly! I don't know why it's so hard for me to look at it that way...

[TAV]

Thank you kindly! I don't know why it's so hard for me to look at it that way...

 

That's simple, because nobody ever taught you to be nice to yourself and praise yourself; you've probably been taught quite the opposite.

 

But nothing is stopping you from starting now

[Cloud794]

That's simple, because nobody ever taught you to be nice to yourself and praise yourself; you've probably been taught quite the opposite.

 

Hm, yes, that's what the therapist said too. She also helped me realise there's a huge gap between my cognition and my emotion. So 'in my head' I know I've achieved a lot and that, objectively speaking, I have every reason to feel proud and strong. But that's not how I feel. I think emotionally I am still a very small child and I'll probably always be...

[bathtub-row]

Haha! SPOT ON! Except my family think he's great. (My sister and my mother spent a holiday each with us, separately, so we took them places, bought them treats etc. - all on my money, of course.) We rarely speak on the phone, but when we do they never forget to tell me how wonderful he is, how I need to take care of him and how I mustn't be stupid (whatever that means). I'm sure they would take his side if I were to tell them what I'm going through.

 

It's not important what your family thinks, or anyone else. In my book, abusive people don't get a vote or any say in my life.

 

I've always thought of it like this - for every relationship that I walked away from, I know in my heart that I gave it my best shot and I know that when I finally did leave, all attempts to make it right had been exhausted. That's why i have no regrets about walking away from anyone that I walked away from - because i gave it a lot of thought before i did it. So, if anyone ever criticizes me for my decisions, I tell them that if they think the guy is so great, they're welcome to marry him since he's now free of me. What I do regret is that I didn't make better choices to begin with about who I let into my life. That's the part that I plan to improve.

 

No matter what you decide in this situation, or any other, when you make a decision from your heart, you know you did the right thing in that particular space and time, so don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about that - or yourself, for that matter. Remember why you do the things you do and have done, remember your rationale at the time, and learn from it if you feel it was a mistake. That's all any of us can do. If anyone wants to beat you up about that, they don't deserve your time or attention.

 

I think you have a very good internal radar but you've been trained not to trust it. Abuse is devastating in many ways but one gift that I have noticed it gives a person is the ability to spot BS from a mile away. It's very hard to fool people who have been abused and I must say that's actually a pretty great gift to have. It also gives a person empathy -- so I guess there's two gifts. Maybe you do feel broken and think that you can't overcome your childhood but I think you're wrong about that. You had the strength to pull through the abuse, you have the strength to rise above it. Although in many ways you have risen above it already.

 

Your family might've made the statement about not being stupid because your husband could've said something to them in a subtle way to gain their sympathy. He knows what kind of life you have with him and he knows you're going to bolt someday. I think he's doing whatever he can do to keep you around, and guilt is the only card he has left to play.

[littleplanet]

If I were in your husband's postition, there is only one really moral thing to do: give it up.

You have a lot of life left to live.

 

A man at 70, unless he's lived a long life with a partner who is truly his peer, must find the good grace to feel fortunate indeed to have had another chance at romance at so ripe an age.

But I believe that this is what a truly caring person would do....bow out gracefully.

 

Otherwise, it become a trap that descends into something that does not resemble a marriage, at all.

And this is an age when all the good philosophy of life comes home to roost.

 

Many years ago (when I was far younger than your husband - still am, in fact!) ........I had a relationship with a woman substantially younger than me. It was a good relationship - but I always knew when the time came, I'd have to let her go. And that's what I did. We still maintain a wonderful friendship.

I'm now her wise old sage - providing no-nonsense advice when needed.

 

My missus is a year younger than me......and in sickness & health, we're two peas in a pod. That is the order of things.

 

There's guilt, there's honor, there's duty. All wrapped up the grand scheme of things.

But then there's the right thing to do.

You gave this man 7 years that good fortune granted him.

And now perhaps, it's time for him to give something back.

 

I hope he will, for your sake, OP.