My bf cheated on me

[seashell78]

My bf and I have been dating for nearly three years. The 1st year we were long distance, about 90 minutes a part. The 2nd year we lived together and this 3rd year we've been a part due to my job change (about 4 hours away) and him finishing school, but he moved in, in May--though has traveled back nearly every weekend to work on projects with a company he started with university friends. I've really always thought we had this perfect relationship, we never argue, he's really supportive of me and I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me and took great comfort in this after my previous 8 year relationship with a serial cheater.

 

Tuesday night he came home and told me he needed to tell me something (I thought about his long-weekend away working on company projects), instead he told me he has been cheating on me since April. He then said he broke things off with her and wants to spend his life with me.

 

He didn't spend every weekend with this other woman, but rather saw her at some point on the weekends away (about half the weekends from May to July). She also has a boyfriend. He told her this weekend that he never wants to have contact with her again and he also quit the company that he was working on with his friends. I really do trust that this is over.

 

I'm still in shock though. And I really love this guy, more than anything. We've built such a nice life together and I thought it was only getting better. Yeah, things were a bit hard when we moved back in together in May and he had some health and sexual problems when we got back together here, which I chalked up to stress from the move and a new job, but now would probably say stress from the cheating.

 

I'm just so confused and feel like I'm watching myself in a movie. I can't put 2+2 together here. I feel like this is so out of character for him.

[d0nnivain]

While I might consider forgiving a sincerely sorry minor slip up that happened once (I thinking single drunken kiss here), he carried on a three month relationship with somebody else. It's time to send him packing.

[Zahara]

The man was lying and deceiving you for four months. Where in that equation does care and love you have for a partner exist?

[Elle1975]

He fessed up, so I am not sure what to think. You didn't hear that from the grapevine. He told you what happened himself.

 

I would have a tendency to say "forgive him", but how can you trust him after that? Healthy love and trust go hand in hand.

 

I say, take a little bit of distance. Reflect on what you want. I wouldn't sweep it under the rug and "move on" like nothing ever happened.

 

Is he so great that he is worth staying with? Did you have any doubts about the two of your together before that? Do you see yourself with someone else?

 

Could you spend the week end at your mom's? Friend's? Take time to think alone about how you feel, and take it from there.

[EverLastluv]

After all you been through, he dont value what you have together!

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm outraged that you don't seem to be outraged.

 

What's the Dan Savage expression?

 

DTMFA

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'm outraged that you don't seem to be outraged.

 

What's the Dan Savage expression?

 

DTMFA

 

I couldn't agree more. I don't know if you're still in shock and haven't quite processed the full weight of his affair or you're ust complacent but he carried on a relationship with this woman for months all the while looking you dead in the eye and exchanging "I love yous" and who knows, maybe making his way into your bed on the same day he left hers.

 

I'm not saying you have to leave (that would be hypocritical of me) but I hope you fully understand the extent of what went on here and really process this before deciding to forgive him.

[No Limit]

Break up break up. Do it, like, yesterday in April.

[MGX]

I say leave him.

 

He cheated on you once; who is to say that it will not happen again?

 

Maybe things went bad with this woman, which is why he broke it off with her and came back to you, the better choice.

[Dork Vader]

I respect that he was honest and forthcoming about the cheating.

 

 

I do not respect that he lied to you for what 3-4 months? He completely threw his commitment to you the bus. He spit in the face of your relationship and for what? Sex?

 

 

I personally feel you need to give yourself space and time to really think about this relationship. Your relationship is never going to be the same. Your trust in him will never be the same. He has shown you that he can not be trusted.

 

 

You have to decide if YOU want to put yourself through months if not years of having no trust in him. You have to decide if he is worth that. He is really worth that? He very well could be.. But you need to be very honest with yourself and weigh the pros and cons of this relationship.

 

 

Take your time with it.

[acapelo_dp]

This man does not love you. I'm sorry.

 

I would be absolutely infuriated if I were you. He would be out the door in a second. The relationship wasn't so "perfect" after all like you said if he was going behind your back and sleeping with another woman for months.

 

I suggest you break it off and find a man who has respect and love for you. You sound like a nice girl.

[KatZee]

He fessed up, so I am not sure what to think. You didn't hear that from the grapevine. He told you what happened himself.

 

This is the exact reason I stayed with my cheater. He came to me. He confessed. I didn't find out from some third party. I thought he was a "stand up guy."

 

How wrong I was. Reality was, someone threatened to tell me. He got scared and had no choice but to come clean to me. It was either he tell me, or some one else would. He chose the route he did.

 

Another reason this guy could be confessing is because maybe the OW threatened to tell you or the OW's boyfriend caught her and threatened to tell you.

 

This affair has been going on for quite a few months. He's been lying, cheating, carrying on a whole affair. It doesn't sit well in my mind that he just woke up one day and decided, "hey I'm going to be an amazing person, end my affair and completely come clean!" I think if this guy was so ashamed and so sorry, he'd have cut off the affair and never looked back, and never brought it up to you. Seems selfish but sometimes learning from mistakes and knowing you'll never do it again, and protecting your partner is the way to go.

 

I personally think someone was going to contact you regarding the affair. I have to disagree with having "respect" for someone that confesses to cheating. In my opinion, and from my experience, my ex only confessed for two reasons:

 

1. Someone was going to tell me

2. He couldn't hold in the guilt any more and he needed to get it off his chest.

 

Instead of just dealing with his own problems, eating the emotional pain, he had to completely ruin me. And once he did, he actually said, "wow I feel so much better!" THANKS A. HOLE.

 

Sometimes people don't confess for YOUR benefit, they do it for themselves.

 

I stupidly stayed with my cheater. And surprise, surprise. After all the "guilt" he felt the first time around? He did it again.

Edited August 8, 2014 by KatZee

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but your boyfriend isn't in love with you. He wouldn't have put you through this if he loved you the same way you love him.

 

Did you ask why he chose to tell you now? Although it's good that you know, I would be very suspicious. Was someone about to out him? Remember that what you've heard from him is very likely not the full truth. He became adept at lying to you so don't expect him to be forthcoming now with all the gory details.

 

I would get rid of him. This wasn't a one-time event. He had sex with someone else and deceived you for a long while. He is a loser, OP. I know you are in shock and can't process it yet, but he's showed you his true colours. For whatever reason, he stepped outside the relationship and basically spit on you and what you had built together.

[SycamoreCircle]

Last night, a young woman I work with whom I've always admired, especially when my break up occurred, because she had for so long maintained what appeared to be a healthy relationship with her live-in boyfriend divulged that she had abruptly ended their 3-year-relationship due to his infidelity. How did she confirm the affair? Through his e-mail. Why did she suspect something? She came down with an STD!

[Chi townD]

My advice for seashell? You are in shock at the moment. Let that wear off before you make any decisions.

 

 

But, I would also advise you to tell the cheating bastard to give you time and space so you can process all of this.

[Elle1975]

Last night, a young woman I work with whom I've always admired, especially when my break up occurred, because she had for so long maintained what appeared to be a healthy relationship with her live-in boyfriend divulged that she had abruptly ended their 3-year-relationship due to his infidelity. How did she confirm the affair? Through his e-mail. Why did she suspect something? She came down with an STD!

 

Ugh.. That means unprotected sex.. Id be really angry too. I broke up with someone who was a serial cheater (cheated on his ex). I just couldn't trust him. I rather date someone who had a lot of "fun" and is now "retired", if I may say.

[Peacock_Tail]

First of all I'm so sorry this happened to you. And that your previous boyfriend was also a cheater. Something screams that there is going to be a time in your life when everything is going to work out for you because you sound like a great girl. Right now it sucks and it's a shame.

 

As others said before, take your time. If he wants to rush into the relationship, tell him to respect your space. This is one of the times in your life for thinking a lot and ask yourself a lot questions based on his actions. I think it's great to ride the waves of life and go with the sea but in this case it's better to stop before surfing again.

 

Most likely he developed feelings for this other girl, and things didn't work out with her. Or maybe they did but he broke it off because he was feeling a lot of guilt. Anyway, I don't think that matters much because who would risk it all just for sex? I mean, if he really was in love with her and loved her I would understand it (even if it's a bad way to get with someone).

 

Remember that this was all on him, his fault, his bad decisions (more than one) and it's something that could probably happen again, even if it's years from now. Be very careful and love yourself above all, you don't need anybody to have a fullfilling life. All the best and take care!

[Javelin]

I'm still in shock though. And I really love this guy, more than anything. We've built such a nice life together and I thought it was only getting better. Yeah, things were a bit hard when we moved back in together in May and he had some health and sexual problems when we got back together here, which I chalked up to stress from the move and a new job, but now would probably say stress from the cheating.

 

He's lied to you.

He's cheated on you.

He's caused you stressed associated with his cheating.

and worst of all, he's potentially put you at risk for an STD.

 

And after all of that, now he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? Something sounds a bit off here, and he probably isn't playing with a full deck.

 

You have 2 choices:

1) Stay with him, and live an unhappy lie.

2) Leave him, move on, and find a man deserving of you.