Sister issues (WARNING: LONG)

[Cordula]

So this is an ongoing problem I've had with my older sister. I'm not sure what to do, but both us are rather bothered by it:

 

My sister Stephanie is four years older than me. Stephanie and me have never gotten along. Our extended family consists of many older cousins. However, our parents chose to have just us two. I always liked this. Stephanie didn't, and wished we had more siblings.

 

Though beyond her control, Stephanie attended a unique high school where the kids had many problems. Most did poorly in school or formed unhealthy addictions. Some even suicided. Our old-school traditional Chinese family didn't really have any concept of social skills. She always carried around a habit of being very inquisitive. She's also not understanding of rules, including social or financial. I'm the youngest child in my family, and more open-minded.

 

Most of the problem lies in how we tend to have terrible arguments. These debates start up about everything. From trivial matters to shoes and clothes, misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and her own flaws of lacking basic understanding. (For example, she thinks someone who is following basic social/legal rules is wrong and full of themselves, when in reality that's what most people would do. Then she starts a fit immaturely making fun of them.)

 

Everybody has their own way of dealing with things. Stephanie's is to be petty. When she blows up, it really concerns me but thankfully the formula stays the same. Always something like this:

 

1. Stephanie is hurt, so she responds by being very sarcastic or petty. She doesn't take criticism well. She always denies being a certain way.
   
2. Stephanie accuses me of being a hypocrite.
   
3. Stephanie has no idea what I'm talking about. She doesn't think this should be an argument.
   
4. We go on and on and on for an hour or two in this way. We're both very reactive people. So most of the arguments are frustrating.
   OR
   
5. The reverse. I have no idea why Stephanie thinks this is a big enough deal to argue about.
   

 

She also responds in an odd way. Most of the time, she doesn't see what I'm getting at. This results in her intensely trying to refute with something similar but not what I intended to discuss. I asked why Stephanie was so worked up about it. She responded: "No, no. I don't care even if the argument blows over. You know why? Because next time the same thing will happen again. There's no end to this." Sad but true. Seems like the arguments began occurring less frequently as I reached my early twenties, but still kept happening.

 

Worst part is, once she starts these arguments it really upsets her and she doesn't cool off for some time.

 

We've been told a lot of different things. People suggested we go to therapy. However, Stephanie has a very busy work schedule. She's also skeptical in general of the idea. When I told her that I knew psych majors who mentioned it wouldn't matter even if we brought her there. She doesn't believe in it, Stephanie just shot back something along the lines of: "Whatever! Too bad, I'm always gonna be half understanding. Nothing any of us can do about that. If the psych thinks therapy is ineffective then it is." She also mentioned she's taken psych classes, and that they're probably gonna just point out who is being petty and who is being aggressive. We did go to see a psych long ago but I don't remember how it turned out.

 

Still, people mentioned things like, "IDK, if you have one or two hour long arguments and they're over petty things like that you do need to see a professional. We're not qualified to talk about these topics with you." ("Wow, whatever.")

"There's nothing you can really do. Just try to get a job and move out ASAP. With just one sibling, obviously she depends on you for good relationships. I don't know your dynamics and I'm not claiming to. But it doesn't sound healthy." ("My friends told me the same thing. What they're missing is that it's extremely stressful living with someone like that. We need to vent and we're only human. It's okay.")

I even had a professor who made a great point: "Honestly, I think you're both right. She's not supposed to be talking like that, but you're not very responsible yourself. These people are your family. You've only got one. Telling them stuff like that when you know they don't understand isn't helpful."

 

Also, I get that it's a relatively common problem. People in families with siblings mentioned they had experienced very similar fights growing up. Unfortunately, the magic trick tends to occur when at least one kid finally leaves the nest. Usually, all this stress backfires. Kids miss their family, and would do anything to be with them again. I just graduated from college and I'm working on moving out, so that's still out of the question.

 

Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

[Ronni_W]

Why do you continue to choose for yourself to be a "reactive" person? What are YOU getting out of staying in a frustrating, going-nowhere-new argument for an hour or two? We don't usually engage in something and exert that much energy unless we're getting a fairly substantial pay-off of some kind...very often though, exactly what is our 'reward' is unconscious. (Being right? Proving that you have the stamina, or "intellect", or words?)

 

If she's not getting what you're saying or trying to say, then it means that you're not communicating your own thoughts or opinions well enough.

 

 

Why do you continue to criticize her if you already know that she won't "get" it? In any case, criticism will not breed closeness or patience or any type of desirable relationship.

 

If she gets sarcastic on you, develop enough self-control to just walk away and ignore her if she happens to follow you.

 

You can't change her but you surely can change yourself and how you conduct yourself and do your relationships. From your post, you are exactly equally responsible for all this childish, under-developed behaviour. It's okay for you to be the grown-up even if you are younger.

[Cordula]

Why do you continue to choose for yourself to be a "reactive" person?

 

Admittedly you have a point. That's how I've always been.

 

What are YOU getting out of staying in a frustrating, going-nowhere-new argument for an hour or two? We don't usually engage in something and exert that much energy unless we're getting a fairly substantial pay-off of some kind...very often though, exactly what is our 'reward' is unconscious. (Being right? Proving that you have the stamina, or "intellect", or words?)

 

Like I said, she doesn't let it go. I do eventually try to tell her the same thing but Stephanie retorts in a stupid manner. She mumbles about how this bothers her because she knows the problem will happen again.

 

If she's not getting what you're saying or trying to say, then it means that you're not communicating your own thoughts or opinions well enough.

 

No, it doesn't. Other people understand the way that I speak. I've seen psychologists who tell me everybody has this issue. There's nothing you can really do about it.

 

Why do you continue to criticize her if you already know that she won't "get" it? In any case, criticism will not breed closeness or patience or any type of desirable relationship.

 

I don't. She's obviously hurt by it since she keeps speaking.

 

If she gets sarcastic on you, develop enough self-control to just walk away and ignore her if she happens to follow you.

 

You can't change her but you surely can change yourself and how you conduct yourself and do your relationships. From your post, you are exactly equally responsible for all this childish, under-developed behaviour. It's okay for you to be the grown-up even if you are younger.

 

Much easier said than done. She thinks I'm starting arguments with her when I'm not. I agree there is some growing up to take place. However, she doesn't see things the same way and pretty much puts the stress on herself. More recently, I've tried explaining all of that to Stephanie. With so many problems in her life, she shouldn't make any more. She just said, "WHATEVER!"

 

Actually, I'm not following this advice. Probably there is something here though. I remember writing about my problem on another forum and a more experienced poster had written back: "So if you knew it was gonna turn out that way, why didn't you just walk out on her?" She doesn't let me. "The thing about psychologists is that they don't let you know your own downsides." They do offer advice if you bring it up to them specifically.

[bathtub-row]

Dr. Phil has told a story several times about the relationship between him and his dad. Basically, they had a very contentious relationship, lots of arguing. One day, he told his dad that he wasn't going to be party to it anymore. His dad tested him a few times and when Dr. Phil didn't take the bait, his dad said, "You're really not going to do this anymore, are you?" It changed their relationship. I'm sure you can google that story if you're interested in the details.

 

Point is, it's very difficult to argue with someone when you refuse to join in. It sounds like your sister is very immature and, for some bizarre reason, you think you can change that; which also makes you somewhat immature and controlling. Face it, this is the way your sister is and the way she'll probably remain. The only control you have is how you choose to deal with it. She may mature with age but it's very doubtful because she seems to be off-the-charts unreasonable, and doesn't seem to be very self-aware. She will also probably have relationship problems all her life.

 

My ex-husband was from a family of 4 boys. To this day, they don't get along very well and they're all in their 40's and 50's. They used to have horrendous arguments about the dumbest things, between themselves and their parents. Once, my ex and his brother got into a near fist-fight about what was the best way to exercise. One of the brothers once argued with his mother about how she wanted the loaf of bread tied with the bread tie instead of twisting the plastic and tucking it under the bread. Do you know what these types of arguments are really about? Control. One person trying to control the other - their thoughts, reasoning, and actions. These arguments and control factors destroyed my marriage, they have ruined my ex's relationship with our son, and they have created a distance in their entire family. All because they can't just 'be'.

 

You can't reason with a person like your sister and the sooner you recognize that basic fact, the better things will get. If I were you, I'd stay on only safe topics with her (if safe topics actually exists) and recognize that you will always need to keep her at arms length. Probably what triggers most arguments with your sister is her ego. As your older sister, she probably only wants you to admire her, depend on her for answers, hang on her opinion like it's gospel, etc. Pump her up in front of your friends and family, like she's the best sister you could ever fathom having, that you wish you had her talents, looks, and brains. This is most likely all about competition and ego. So when you come across - even in the smallest way - as being smarter than her, having your own opinion, and/or rejecting her opinion (a big slap to her ego), then her anger kicks in, triggered by her feelings of inferiority, etc.

 

When she starts going down the angry path, nod your head as though you completely understand, or talk about how her viewpoint is so interesting and you never thought of it that way. Then exit the room/house/location as soon as possible. She may or may not wise up to the fact that you refuse to engage in her idiotic behavior, but it really doesn't matter. Either way, you should have more peace in your life.

Edited August 8, 2014 by bathtub-row

[xxmusical]

I'm from an Asian family and have older siblings too. What I do to avoid arguments is just that: avoid arguing or situations where I know may lead to arguments.

 

I understand that just because we're family doesn't mean we have to share the same values/opinions on things. I tend to feel I'm more openminded as well and if I know there are situations where my siblings may not feel the same, I would avoid confrontations or plainly ignore their rude remarks. Arguments like these often deteriorate relationships. And pointless arguing is even worst.

 

Your sister sounds incredibly immature and spoiled, no offense. You can't change her; no one can change her. You just have to let her grow up herself. Meanwhile, you should try your best to ignore her. No doubt she'll want to trigger up fights many times, but if you stick to ignoring her, she'll eventually get bored of it, because you're "boring" since you won't "fight" with her.

 

If you must, go back to your room whenever she pokes fingers at you. Tell her gently you don't wish to discuss the issue anymore and close the door on her.

 

But seriously, I would avoid seeing her or being near her at all lol. I would probably rather not talk to her at all since every little thing may trigger her desire to argue.