I wish I knew how he was feeling....(Updated)

[Bigmess2]

I decided to make a list of all the qualities I believe made me to be a good girlfriend, how I could have improved, and I did the same for him. I found that in doing this it forced me to see how much I offered to the relationship and what I was missing and how much I have to offer and how the end of the relationship had nothing to do with me/my lack of effort. How he should have been grateful but took me for granted. And how he probably won't change for his future relationships and how many girls won't put up with the amount that I put up with...

 

Things that I believe made me into a good girlfriend:

 

- I put my happiness aside to make sure he was happy (*not the nicest thing to do for myself but that never mattered to me- It was easy to want to put him first*)

 

- I always listened

 

-I was willing to do anything with him and always down to try new things

 

- Got along great with him family and friends

 

- Always did silly things to get him to laugh

 

-I was always affectionate and caring

 

 

- I helped him with money whenever he needed it (I never minded too much but this wound up screwing me in the end) I've always been good with my money and would try to help him with saving.

 

- I let him get away with everything (texting other girls but trusting it was nothing, going out all the time, etc.)

 

- I helped make our apartment a home- always kept it clean, cleaned up after him

 

- I always tried to look pretty for him (nice clothes, fit body, make-up)

 

- I tried to involve myself in activities that made him happy even if I didn't really care for them (snowboarding, working out)

 

- Always supported his ideas and backed him 100%

 

- Always complimented him

 

- Shared the same aspirations as him- marriage/family/living space

 

- We never argued

 

-The only thing I ever expected or wanted from him was to be loved in return.

 

How I could have been better:

-Provided more of a challenge for him to keep him intrigued

-Been more confident and less insecure.

 

Things that made him a "bad" boyfriend

 

- Texted/got numbers from other girls- he always said it was nothing but this crossed the line

 

-He went out almost every night (especially during the last month of the relationship) and he never clued me in on where he was or who he was with. But if I tried to say anything about it he'd say I was being insecure and that he was coming home to me so didn't have to worry.

 

- He had no problem asking me for money and had money problems

 

- Did not love kissing or being intimate with me (even though he assured me he loved me and found me sexy)

 

-He always said I was beautiful but never like I was beautiful enough. (Ex: my body was fit but could be more fit, my clothes were nice but I was plain)

 

- Always made comments or liked other girls pictures

 

-Hid me on social media- didn't accept most of my pictures, deleted anything I commented on

 

-Poor communicator

 

- Selfish- cared more for his own happiness then for anyone elses

 

- Too blunt

 

-big ego- knew he was attractive and would often mention it

 

- Didn't allow me to go to his job

 

- Made me feel insecure but would say that that was on me not because of his actions

 

-Good manipulator- he even admitted to this.

 

Things that I did love about our relationship

 

- Always supported me choices

 

- Made me laugh everyday

 

-He always told me I was beautiful (Even if I didn't feel beautiful enough)

 

-Included me in all activities (except for the last month of our relationship)

 

-Had a positive outlook

 

-Similar goals as me

 

-Good work ethic (even though he was terrible at saving)

 

- Great family and friends (I loved all of them- they loved me)

 

- Fit and attractive

 

-Similar interests- music, comedy, movies, etc.

 

 

So to conclude this really long post.... I know that everything I did was to my best ability and that I always put him first in the relationship and would have done anything for him. Anyone would be stupid to let go of something like that. And I know no relationship is perfect- but it takes 2 to make it work. And I was the only one serious enough to fight for what we had. He did not put me first and that was his own mistake. I pray that one day he wakes up and realizes that when someone gives you their all- if you love them you need to sometimes put yourself aside and make the one you're with feel special and make them happy. Even though the list of his "bad" qualities is lengthy, he really did make me happy. It didn't take much for me to be happy at all. All I really wanted was for him to love me as much as I loved him. I don't know if he's capable of that though...

[Bigmess2]

Feeling really sad today... Sometimes I feel like the only reason I go on living is for my family and because I'd be too chicken to ever do anything about it... Sometimes I don't see the point in movin on with my life because I feel like my life was just taken away from me. I want this sadness to just end.

 

I went out with my girlfriends last night to a restaurant on the water. We danced, the food was great, I love them. But I was just sad no matter how much I tried to have fun. Nothing works.

[Feelbettersoon]

I'm the same. its been nearly 5 weeks and the pain is never-ending....

[Bigmess2]

Got an hour and a half massage today (I suggest doing this to all of those with a broken heart) As I laid there I tried to clear my mind but thoughts of him still ran through. I was still able to relax for that short moment though. And during my time laying there I also started thinking of ways to get out of my sadness. I'm going to start writing. I write on here, of course, and sometimes in a journal, but i'm going to start writing about things I can do to keep me busy and then i'm going to make it a point to actually go out and do them.

 

We'll see how long this little burst of energy lasts... hopefully it keeps me occupied enough to keep my mind off him... even if it is for a short couple of minutes.

[Bigmess2]

Had a little too much to drink tonight.... Really really tempted to text him and tell him how much I miss him.... Posting here instead....

[beach]

Had a little too much to drink tonight.... Really really tempted to text him and tell him how much I miss him.... Posting here instead....

 

Don't text him!

 

Do something nice for yourself! Maybe a hot bubble bath?

[54JA]

I'm glad you came here before you texted him. Come here and write here if you get tempted to contact him! Hope you feel better soon. (I know it's really tempting especially when you are tipsy.)

[Bigmess2]

3 weeks today since the break up.... Feeling down.

[54JA]

Congratuations on surviving 3 weeks!! You only have 1 more week before you reach your 1 month mark!

 

I know it feels like the time is going by so slow now, but it will change. Hang in there!

 

I understand from your previous post that you had one day in which you DIDN'T cry. Good for you! You can put a smiley face or a star for every day you don't cry on your calendar as a way of giving yourself a visual recognition of the progress you are making. Hang in there.

[Bigmess2]

Thank you for the support 54JA <3

[Bigmess2]

Ugh I'm being stupid and did something stupid..... I deactivated my Facebook and deleted my Instagram app so that I'm not tempted to look at his stuff... Well I just did something stupid. I uploaded the Instagram app again so I could put up some pictures and I didn't go on his page but I saw he commented on this girls pictures (she goes to his job every Monday- his restaurant turns into a club every Monday) on like 4 of her pictures he wrote flirty comments on them. I know it's none of my business and my own fault for looking. Ugh but now I'm stuck comparing myself to her. She has a slamming body. My body is fit and everything but her butt is massive and I'm lacking one. He's always been a butt guy and always would comment to me about how I didn't have one. ugh why did I do this to myself...

[54JA]

Awww. Ouch! I hated it too when I compared myself to the girl my ex had a crush on (his feelings for her was the reason for our third-ish break up). She wasn't a traditional bomb-shell type, but had beautiful skin and the innocent girl-next-door look. After this, I felt sooo self-conscious about my skin. Ugh! I feel you.

[Bigmess2]

Ughhh!! So freakin frustrating! Now I just want to go to the gym and do a gazillion squats.

[BikerAccnt]

Bigmess,

 

 

I'm just jumping in to add how sorry I am you are going thru this. I've been there, twice. Moved things out of my ex-wifes, and ex-GF places (they were ours, I let them have them on the split). It isn't easy, fact is, it's DAMN hard.

 

But, you'll get through it, and you'll learn of strengths you had, that you didn't know existed in yourself. Best of luck. From the sounds of things, you'll land on your feet. Take your time.

[Bigmess2]

Saw a quote on Instagram that he liked.... It says "everything is better when you decide you don't care"... Now I'm reading into that. It could either mean a- he really doesn't care or b- he's trying to convince himself that he doesn't care. What do you think?

 

 

I don't have the ability not to care... I always care too much even when I shouldn't. (Like caring about the fact he liked this quote- shouldn't care and overthinking but I can't help it)

[BC1980]

Saw a quote on Instagram that he liked.... It says "everything is better when you decide you don't care"... Now I'm reading into that. It could either mean a- he really doesn't care or b- he's trying to convince himself that he doesn't care. What do you think?

 

 

I don't have the ability not to care... I always care too much even when I shouldn't. (Like caring about the fact he liked this quote- shouldn't care and overthinking but I can't help it)

 

Unless you are a sociopath, then you are going to care. . . . which is why you don't check up on your ex on social media. Why do you think you shouldn't care what an ex has to say? Of course, you are going to care.

[Zapbasket]

Saw a quote on Instagram that he liked.... It says "everything is better when you decide you don't care"... Now I'm reading into that. It could either mean a- he really doesn't care or b- he's trying to convince himself that he doesn't care. What do you think?

 

 

I don't have the ability not to care... I always care too much even when I shouldn't. (Like caring about the fact he liked this quote- shouldn't care and overthinking but I can't help it)

 

If you can decide you don't care, then something is wrong with you. And something is wrong with anyone who valorizes "not caring" as some badge of strength or a way to be.

 

Sadly, I'm learning that there are people who can spend their whole lives practicing this mentality. They never face or deal with anything because they just switch off. It is horrible to be with people like that, even in friendship, because nothing they give you is real...and when you look hard at what they are giving you, it's not much.

 

Like that list you made. You do sound like a wonderful girlfriend. I think you could learn to stick up for yourself and your needs more. He didn't sound nearly as ready for a relationship and invested as you were. Looking back, do you feel you more or less "held up" the relationship, like you were Atlas carrying it all on your shoulders?

[Bigmess2]

Thank you GreenCove!

 

I definitely agree with you. Like I said, I tended to put him before myself and I definitely should've had a bigger voice and stood up for myself more.

 

I remember one time he said to me "sometimes it bothers me that when I say jump you say how high but, at the same time, if you didn't respond in that way I'd probably leave you."

 

I was so scared of losing him because of how much I love him. So I was willing to do anything it was to make him happy, even if that meant not standing up for myself. But when he was happy so was I.

 

I would definitely say I was the main support of the relationship. I did everything in my power to make it the best relationship and he did everything in his power to be sure he was happy.

[BC1980]

Thank you GreenCove!

 

I definitely agree with you. Like I said, I tended to put him before myself and I definitely should've had a bigger voice and stood up for myself more.

 

I remember one time he said to me "sometimes it bothers me that when I say jump you say how high but, at the same time, if you didn't respond in that way I'd probably leave you."

 

I was so scared of losing him because of how much I love him. So I was willing to do anything it was to make him happy, even if that meant not standing up for myself. But when he was happy so was I.

 

I would definitely say I was the main support of the relationship. I did everything in my power to make it the best relationship and he did everything in his power to be sure he was happy.

 

That describes my last relationship to a tee, and it's the reason it's been so difficult to get over it. You think that if you tried so hard, and it didn't work. . . . what will it take to make something work? Never mind that the other person was half *ss invested and making about 25% of the effort. You begin to get a distorted line of thinking, and you take too much responsibility onto yourself. As if you could have saved it all on your own.

 

In the end, you are left with a gaping hole. You all but sold your soul, and it wasn't good enough. In reality, you should have been yourself, and, if that wasn't good enough, this guy wasn't for you. I always felt an undercurrent with my ex that said I wasn't good enough, by both obvious and subtle behaviors. He flat out told me on once that he didn't accept me for who I was. Can you believe I stayed after that? It makes you feel worse when the person ends up dumping you.

 

He was rarely willing to make any compromises, but I was willing to make most an necessary compromise to feel that I had his love. Ugh. It's a hard hole to climb out of. The other day, someone asked me what I would look for in a potential husband, and I said that I simply wanted someone who loved and accepted me for who I was. Someone who didn't make me feel less than them and who expected me to change to suit their idea of a mate. Honestly, it's that simple, and it kind of surprised me to actually voice it.

[Bigmess2]

You're absolutely right BC1980.

 

It does take a lot out of you and make you wonder how someone could take for granted a person that tried their best to give them the world.

 

But I also think, ok, I put up with a lot that I pushed to the side and I still gave him everything I had to offer, which really was a lot. A LOT of people would not be willing to push the negatives in his behavior to the side and A LOT of people would also not be willing to give him as much as I did. So if he was unhappy with me, how is he going to be happy with anything else? I feel like there will be very few people willing to give him what I did and I hope that one day he realizes that and sees how he shouldn't have taken anything for granted.

 

I'm not trying to make myself to be perfect or an angel or anything, but with the amount of effort I put into giving the relationship and his lack of effort and behavior in just taking everything from the relationship it just doesn't make any sense. I'm also not saying he'll never find someone else that'll make him happy but I just feel like at some point there has got to be a moment where they feel a slap in the face and realize how much they let go.

 

If there are people like us that are willing to give so much to a relationship then that's exactly the person we deserve to find- someone that is GRATEFUL, does NOT take a moment for granted, and is willing to give just as much to you as you are to them. It scares me that I will not find a person like this because I feel like i've witnessed so many shi*tty people in the world.

 

I 100% agree with you though, that all I ever wanted was for him to love and accept me as well. I never asked for anything and I tried not to have such high expectations. The only expectation I had was for him to love me and treat me right.

[BC1980]

You're absolutely right BC1980.

 

It does take a lot out of you and make you wonder how someone could take for granted a person that tried their best to give them the world.

 

But I also think, ok, I put up with a lot that I pushed to the side and I still gave him everything I had to offer, which really was a lot. A LOT of people would not be willing to push the negatives in his behavior to the side and A LOT of people would also not be willing to give him as much as I did. So if he was unhappy with me, how is he going to be happy with anything else? I feel like there will be very few people willing to give him what I did and I hope that one day he realizes that and sees how he shouldn't have taken anything for granted.

 

I'm not trying to make myself to be perfect or an angel or anything, but with the amount of effort I put into giving the relationship and his lack of effort and behavior in just taking everything from the relationship it just doesn't make any sense. I'm also not saying he'll never find someone else that'll make him happy but I just feel like at some point there has got to be a moment where they feel a slap in the face and realize how much they let go.

 

If there are people like us that are willing to give so much to a relationship then that's exactly the person we deserve to find- someone that is GRATEFUL, does NOT take a moment for granted, and is willing to give just as much to you as you are to them. It scares me that I will not find a person like this because I feel like i've witnessed so many shi*tty people in the world.

 

I 100% agree with you though, that all I ever wanted was for him to love and accept me as well. I never asked for anything and I tried not to have such high expectations. The only expectation I had was for him to love me and treat me right.

 

It can actually be a turnoff to give so much in a relationship or for your partner to perceive you as compromising too much. I always thought I was being such a supportive girlfriend, but I think he found that unattractive. His sister told me that all of his previous girlfriends and his first wife were very controlling of him and weren't very nice women. I think my ex liked that because his mother and step-mom modeled that type or behavior and were emotionally abusive towards him. Anyway, that's another tangent. . . .

I've realized that what you perceive as being a giving and compromising partner can be seen as a weakness. I did so much for my ex. I would have his favorite meal ready when he came home from work, wash all the clothes, kept up the yard (I like to garden), and basically raised his son for three years. I'm almost ashamed to even admit all of this because it seems so pathetic when I look back at it. Now, he did pay for me to travel with him. He footed the entire bill, and he always payed when we went out. He would buy me gas, and he paid pretty much all of the house hold expenses. So I can't say it was totally on me, but the fact is that he is a physician, so he isn't hurting for cash.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that I was doing all of the emotional heavy lifting. I don't think it hurt him that much to pay for a tank of gas when he made nearly 10 times as much as I made. But I was doing all of the compromising, raising his son, chores, stuff that is a little more time intensive and borne out of real love for another person. Well, all of that to say that compromising yourself never pays in the end. I basically ended up bitter that I did so much for him, but, when I sorted it all out, I had to admit that I did it to myself. No one asked me to make his dinner or take care of his son. I did all of that on my own, and I'm not judging myself for it. I'm realizing that I did it to get him to love me and want to make a commitment to me, which shouldn't have happened.

 

For many years, I've felt that I was not worthy of a relationship, so I always molded to the other person or over compensated with what I was willing to give. I'm working on changing all of that now, but it doesn't happen overnight.

[BC1980]

I 100% agree with you though, that all I ever wanted was for him to love and accept me as well. I never asked for anything and I tried not to have such high expectations. The only expectation I had was for him to love me and treat me right.

 

And it's such an easy expectation right? I mean, the expectation to be loved, treated like an equal, and accepted should be the base of what anyone should expect. Yet time and time again, I have picked men who could give me everything but unconditional love. I have picked 4 men in my 33 years who have all been unable to give me that type of love, and I idolized these men. I pined over them when they were gone. But no more. I've made a pact with myself never to accept anything less again.

[Bigmess2]

Yeah I think my ex is more attracted to being treated poorly too. His ex was a nutcase and cheated on him and he was head over heels for her and broken when they broke up. His family even said to me that they don't understand it. That it's like he craves chaos and once he's got something really good he just runs from it and they don't know why. But I guess it makes sense. They didn't treat us well yet we are so broken over them.

[Bigmess2]

Soooo I was just on facebook on his friends page. His friend posted a picture with his girlfriend and my ex commented on it. It was about a week ago at like 1:30 in the morning and it said "I'm so alone"

 

WHAT?! I didn't expect to see something like that. My ex has such control over his ability to not care. And he was the one who didn't put the effort into our relationship, where I gave him so much love. I'm just kind of taken back by this.

[mummyjonno]

Bigmess stop torturing yourself.

 

Today is my 1 year point this time

Last year I was doing exactly what you were doing. Wanna know what I did? I deleted everything!!!! His number (and blocked

It so he couldn't possibly get in touch) pictures, it got to the point I was looking at his Facebook 30 times a day! Then I decided it was enough. I deleted my entire Facebook for good. Gone finished.

 

Block him, his friends, his aunties dog block them all so they can't accidentally pop up somewhere.

 

You deserve more than this man gave you, even in the end you were kind, he didn't deserve it and he bloody well doesn't deserve your heartache.

 

One of the things that saved me (besides blocking and deleting) was the gym. I wasn't a gym goer, I became one. Every ounce of upset went into the gym, when I hit my anger phase my gym work outs were solid and lifting weights was easy peasy. Still to this day, he is my reason for my hard work.

 

It paid off when I accompanied a friend to a military ball a few weeks ago, he was there with his now new girlfriend and I was there 100lbs lighter with a smug grin on my face. He didn't even recognise me until someone told him.

 

 

Work on you, find something to throw the hurt into,'you'll be amazed at what you can achieve. Don't do it for him, do it for you. Love yourself and feel proud to be you. The added bonus someday may be him saying crap why did I do that... Then you'll have the smug grin.

 

Keep strong - you can do it, you may not think you can. But I promise you you can!!!