Author Bigmess2 Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 I know I shouldn't torture myself... It's a problem. I deleted my Facebook and usually do pretty good with staying away but there are times where I re activate it for a moment just to look. I don't look directly at his stuff though because I know it'll kill me the worst. I've been trying to go to the gym every other day. I do find it helps a little. But anytime I'm by myself and the computers there I have that temptation. :(it's hard to go cold turkey. And not wonder what they're doing when you knew only a short time ago what they were up to every single day. I know I'm only slowing my progress when I look and I know I need to stop. It's just so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 What are you hoping/expecting to find on his Facebook? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 I'm not really sure. I guess to see what he's been up to the past 3 weeks. I hate that he's not in my life. And that his family and friends are no longer a part of my life either. I'm having a really hard time grasping that none of them are coming back into my life. I still can't fully accept that it's really over. I haven't talked to him in 3 weeks today and I've been fully moved out for 3 weeks. I just miss him a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 I'm not really sure. I guess to see what he's been up to the past 3 weeks. I hate that he's not in my life. And that his family and friends are no longer a part of my life either. I'm having a really hard time grasping that none of them are coming back into my life. I still can't fully accept that it's really over. I haven't talked to him in 3 weeks today and I've been fully moved out for 3 weeks. I just miss him a lot. It takes awhile to accept that it's over, but staying NC forces you to accept it. The person gradually becomes irrelevant to your life because you have no idea what they are doing. Each time you check him FB, you keep a link to the past. You can't move on that way. I think the biggest challenge for me was deciding to go NC because I was scared to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yeah exactly. It just kills me that his life continues to go on as I'm just sad every single day. I just cried to my mom for like a half hour. Haven't cried like that for a few days now. I just hate that this relationship ended. And I wish he'd hate that it ended too. I feel like every second of the day I mourn the relationship and miss him no matter what I do to keep busy. And I wish he'd feel just the slightest bit of sadness. Link to post Share on other sites
mummyjonno Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yeah exactly. It just kills me that his life continues to go on as I'm just sad every single day. I just cried to my mom for like a half hour. Haven't cried like that for a few days now. I just hate that this relationship ended. And I wish he'd hate that it ended too. I feel like every second of the day I mourn the relationship and miss him no matter what I do to keep busy. And I wish he'd feel just the slightest bit of sadness. I feel you honey I do, I felt like that. I felt like I was sat crying, my heart breaking and he was just doing his everyday routine like nothing had happened. I finally realised, they do care,'how can they not. But their feelings are irrelevant now and my feelings are more important. I know it's hard, believe me I know. But you will get to the point where you say "f you I'm having my power back" and then it won't be AS hard xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
54JA Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 I agree with mummy and BC. Accepting that your life is no longer relevant to his/his life to yours is one of the hardest things to do. When we have spent and shared so much of our lives with our ex that, we develop the habit where we automatically think of him/her. It was especially hard for me when I momentarily, for a split second, I forgot that we broke up, caught myself thinking about sharing some aspect of my life with him, AND realize that nothing in my life matters to him anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Yeah exactly. It just kills me that his life continues to go on as I'm just sad every single day. I just cried to my mom for like a half hour. Haven't cried like that for a few days now. I just hate that this relationship ended. And I wish he'd hate that it ended too. I feel like every second of the day I mourn the relationship and miss him no matter what I do to keep busy. And I wish he'd feel just the slightest bit of sadness. You actually don't know what he feels on the inside. Social media is mainly for projecting a certain image, so you are basically assuming he feels a certain way based on FB, which is a terrible thing to do. You could look at my FB and see me smiling in pictures last year when I was actually going through a terrible time. Following an ex on social media is one of the worst things you could do after a breakup because you start spinning your wheels and going crazy with assumptions based on no facts. Total waste if time and unnecessary torture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Thank you for all of your responses. I know you're all right. I'm going to try my hardest to just avoid social media networks at all costs. I know it'll only cause me pain if I look and that it won't change anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Can you deactivate your fb account for a while? Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 It can actually be a turnoff to give so much in a relationship or for your partner to perceive you as compromising too much. I always thought I was being such a supportive girlfriend, but I think he found that unattractive. His sister told me that all of his previous girlfriends and his first wife were very controlling of him and weren't very nice women. I think my ex liked that because his mother and step-mom modeled that type or behavior and were emotionally abusive towards him. Anyway, that's another tangent. . . . I've realized that what you perceive as being a giving and compromising partner can be seen as a weakness. I did so much for my ex. I would have his favorite meal ready when he came home from work, wash all the clothes, kept up the yard (I like to garden), and basically raised his son for three years. I'm almost ashamed to even admit all of this because it seems so pathetic when I look back at it. Now, he did pay for me to travel with him. He footed the entire bill, and he always payed when we went out. He would buy me gas, and he paid pretty much all of the house hold expenses. So I can't say it was totally on me, but the fact is that he is a physician, so he isn't hurting for cash. I guess what I'm getting at is that I was doing all of the emotional heavy lifting. I don't think it hurt him that much to pay for a tank of gas when he made nearly 10 times as much as I made. But I was doing all of the compromising, raising his son, chores, stuff that is a little more time intensive and borne out of real love for another person. Well, all of that to say that compromising yourself never pays in the end. I basically ended up bitter that I did so much for him, but, when I sorted it all out, I had to admit that I did it to myself. No one asked me to make his dinner or take care of his son. I did all of that on my own, and I'm not judging myself for it. I'm realizing that I did it to get him to love me and want to make a commitment to me, which shouldn't have happened. For many years, I've felt that I was not worthy of a relationship, so I always molded to the other person or over compensated with what I was willing to give. I'm working on changing all of that now, but it doesn't happen overnight. I just wanted to say I could have written this exact post. I am working on the same thing. I think it's a very good rule of thumb that people actually RESENT seeing someone compensate for what they're NOT capable of doing, because it shows them up for their shortcomings. Basically, in every extra effort you're making to fill in for their lacks, you're holding up a big mirror to them, slapping their shortcomings basically in their face. And then you get resistance, sullenness, juvenile behavior, irritability, emotional stonewalling, instead of more love. As for what to DO when you find yourself in a dynamic where the other person is working the bare minimum to benefit the relationship, well, that's the question I'm still working on answering. I think you have to then resist the urge to overcompensate and instead pull back and see what they do. If they respond to your sudden reticence by snapping to and putting in more effort, then you have something to work with. But if they seem not to care, then that's your cue to cut your losses and leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mummyjonno Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 You actually don't know what he feels on the inside. Social media is mainly for projecting a certain image, so you are basically assuming he feels a certain way based on FB, which is a terrible thing to do. You could look at my FB and see me smiling in pictures last year when I was actually going through a terrible time. Following an ex on social media is one of the worst things you could do after a breakup because you start spinning your wheels and going crazy with assumptions based on no facts. Total waste if time and unnecessary torture. I'll second that one! Before I deleted my Facebook. I changed my privacy settings so anyone could see it (in case he looked) and plastered my Facebook with happy statuses, photos of me in the gym, friends tagged me in us going out. If he looked... He saw a happy Clare... Not the one that actually was (which was totally the Kleenex, romance movies and icecream kind) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Mary Oak- I have deactivated my account but I still have moments where i'll reactive it for like a brief couple of seconds. I wish there was some sort of app where it wouldn't let you log on for a certain amount of time. It's very true about how FB doesn't show the truth in how people feel. I guess i'm guilty of it too. I posted pictures of me and my friends just the other day in hopes he would see them. I looked happy in the pictures but i'm far from it. You all have such good points. Thank you for sharing them with me they make me feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Found the most perfect quote evert regarding Facebook!!!! "Welcome to Facebook! The place where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own bullsh*t,, and the world shows off they are living a great life. Where the enemies are the ones that visit your profile the most, your family and friends block you, and even though you write what you're really thinking, there is always someone who will take it the wrong way" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 UGH!!! Why is this itty bitty stupid thing bothering me so much!? I went out to dinner tonight with my friend. ( I told all my friends who are friends with him on social networks not to tell me anything they see of his) so tonight we were talking about how she wants me to move out of her apartment and I was saying I wonder when my apartment (the one I moved out of 3 weeks ago that he's still living in) is going to be back up for grabs since I have no idea how he's going to be able to afford it on his own for very long. And then she goes... Yeah did you see that fish tank he got for it!? I was like.......no, we had a fishtank maybe it's that? She was like no it's huge and takes up the whole wall where your dresser was. I have no idea why something as stupid as a fish tank he bought is making me feel sad.... I was like please don't tell me anything because even that little bit of information just made me sad... She was like why!? I guess it just makes me sad because we would buy fish together and name them stupid things. And he's still out and about living his life without me and I was just reminded of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Not to mention.... He owes me about $1500 that I'm sure I'll never see because he's never had over $2000 in his savings. But he has enough money to go out and buy that. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 UGH!!! Why is this itty bitty stupid thing bothering me so much!? I went out to dinner tonight with my friend. ( I told all my friends who are friends with him on social networks not to tell me anything they see of his) so tonight we were talking about how she wants me to move out of her apartment and I was saying I wonder when my apartment (the one I moved out of 3 weeks ago that he's still living in) is going to be back up for grabs since I have no idea how he's going to be able to afford it on his own for very long. And then she goes... Yeah did you see that fish tank he got for it!? I was like.......no, we had a fishtank maybe it's that? She was like no it's huge and takes up the whole wall where your dresser was. I have no idea why something as stupid as a fish tank he bought is making me feel sad.... I was like please don't tell me anything because even that little bit of information just made me sad... She was like why!? I guess it just makes me sad because we would buy fish together and name them stupid things. And he's still out and about living his life without me and I was just reminded of it. The fish tank makes you sad because it's a reminder that you are not in his life anymore. He is buying a fish tank without you, and he is moving on with his life. So, yeah, it's normal to be upset by things that seem silly. Any little thing like that is going to be a reminder that his life is going on without you, and he is making decisions without your input. It's one thing to know it's happening behind your back, but it's another thing entirely to have it thrown in your face. It's tortuous to hear anything, which is why people always say get off of social media, ask friends not to give any updates on the person, and don't keep any contact with the person unless you have kids together. Obviously, your friend told you about the fish tank, but you introduced the topic. You've got to be careful because if you talk about him because your friends are going to assume it's cool to mention things about him they think are harmless. It's okay. You learned a lesson. I remember telling my ex for a year about a vacation I wanted up to go on together, and my parents were going to keep his son. My ex always said he wanted to wait until his son was older and could stay by himself because he was neurotic about leaving his son anywhere without him. Well, a few months after we broke up, guess where he and his son went on vacation? Yup, you guessed it. The exact same place I had mentioned to him and been shot down about. That hurt pretty badly, but it's a good example of why you should not have communication with your ex. You have no input regarding what he does anymore, so many things are likely to hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Not to mention.... He owes me about $1500 that I'm sure I'll never see because he's never had over $2000 in his savings. But he has enough money to go out and buy that. Yeah, the money you probably won't get back. It's just a gamble you take in a relationship. People loose a lot of money in a divorce. My grandfather actually bought my ex's wedding band as our wedding gift, and it was not cheap. I think my ex should pay it back, but it's not likely to happen. My ex also told me several times he was going to sell back my engagement ring and give me the money, but do you think that has happened? Of course not, and I doubt it will even though he made a lot of noise about offering me this money on from selling the ring back. I'm sure he did it out of guilt, but why even put that idea out there if you aren't going to follow through? I'd try to get the money back, but I would go into knowing that it likely won't happen. You might be able to get some of it back but probably not all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 It SUCKS to know about the things that they are doing that doesn't involve you. Especially when the things they are doing relate to things you talked about or did together in the past. That vacation story would have killed me too!! They shouldn't be able to go on enjoying life if you aren't a part of it (I know that's a naive and selfish comment to make)... And as for the money, I know I'll never see it again. My mom keeps telling me to text him about it but I just don't even have it in me to text him because I don't want to be the one to reach out to him. He should just be a man and pay be back like he said he would- but I know he won't. All the money in the world wouldn't take away the hurt I feel anyway. On a different note... I'm doing something very spontaneous tomorrow. My friend is in Florida at one of the houses her boyfriend has (It's supposed to be amazing, on it's own peninsula and with an elevator and everything) So she went down there yesterday and told me I should come. I had a voucher for the trip my ex and I were supposed to be taking in October so I was like ya know what?! Yes, i'm going to get away and treat myself. So tomorrow i'm heading to Florida for a whole week. I'm excited to get away and hopefully it'll force him out of my mind for a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 So of course I had another little relapse of looking at his Instagram. I know, I know, it's my own fault. I actually found that he's been posting a lot of quotes like stop asking if I'm ok, I'm tired of lying and another that said something about being damaged and another that said something along the lines of if you love someone let them go and if they really love you they'll come back if not it's not meant to be..... (I know I'm stupid for continuing to look at the social media when it hurts me.... I just can't help myself ) But now it has me thinking.... He seems to be hurting too (he initiated break up- I only left because he didn't want to continue to try) tomorrow will be 1 month no contact and since the move out. And now I'm thinking... Are we both wanting to contact each other but are both waiting for the other to make the move? How often does this happen where you both want to reconcile but don't talk so it never happens...(not that that's what's going through his mind at all in any way I'm just thinking...) Ughhh. And I'm on vacation I know I shouldn't be thinking about this. But I do... All day everyday... Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 It's YOUR power yet you've handed it ALL to him. Stop handing it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Beach, I'm not sure what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 Got back from vacation a couple days ago... I felt like I was in a breakup rehab lol it was absolutely beautiful where I stayed and it was good to clear the mind but it was never cleared completely. It's been 5 weeks no contact and since we've broken up and I miss him every single day. I pray everyday that he'll reach out to me but he hasn't... His friends wife texted me yesterday asking how I am. We were all supposed to go away together in the beginning of October. She told me she saw the pictures of me on vacation and was so happy that I got to get away and how she's dreading on going on the trip since I'm no longer going with them. She said that it seems that I'm doing a gazillion times better than my ex and that he has been being a huge wierdo. She said he texts her husband all the time about how lonely he is. But that was his choice!! She said one day he'll realize what a huge mistake he made and that he really just needs to grow up and no one understands his stupid choices. That definitely makes me feel good to know that the people he's closest with are still agreeing with me. As for snooping on social media I can't say I've been very good. I peak a lot and I know I should delete him but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Yesterday he posted a status of lyrics to our song. Of course that made me think why he'd do that. My friend said he's just tryingn to play mind games. I also found out he's looking to move out of our apartment because he can't afford it. I knew that would happen. It's a shame because it was such a nice place we had together now neither one of us gets to have it. It still boggles my mind everyday that this relationship has ended. And I still wish it didn't. Life definitely does the most unexpected things to you. I've been finding a lot of quotes that apply to my life right now, they help me to keep going. I just hope happiness comes soon. I try to stay positive but it's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 If what you're hearing about him is true, you might be hearing from him soon when he finally reaches his breaking point. I bet it feels good knowing he's not doing well without you, but you need to move on independently of him. You need to get rid of him on social media. You're hanging onto the relationship and hanging onto hope, and as a result, impeding your healing. Trust me on this one. Act like he died. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigmess2 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 A month and a half after the break up..... Wish I could go a day without thinking about it... Or even an hour would be nice. I hate that you could miss someone so much but can't do anything about it. Feeling sad tonight... Link to post Share on other sites
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