Best friend treating me horribly now...

[Lernaean_Hydra]

This may turn into a rant so bear with me.

 

 

Anyway, my best friend Sam and I have been like friends for over 11 years now. When we were in middle and high school within our group of friends she was always the tall, thin, outgoing one, the one who ALWAYS had the cute clothes and drew in a lot of male attention. This continued into college. Her first years there, she was popular, had lots of friends, and plenty of guys chasing after her; she even went for a sorority.

 

Meanwhile, frankly, I was obese, short, had bad skin and hair and was just a loser. Never had a date, guys rarely paid any attention to me unless they had some BBW fetish and my circle of friends dwindled down to basically just her. Nevertheless, Sam was always there trying to help me with my hair and find clothing that suited my figure. In a word, she was very supportive and wanted me to find a companion and be comfortable with myself.

 

As I’ve mentioned here before, within the last 18 months or so I have undergone a complete transformation. I lost the weight, started taking care of myself and my appearance, got into makeup, etc. Since Sam goes to school in another part of the state (a few hundred miles away) she’s only witnessed my transformation in increments — Christmas, Spring Break, etc — and on a few short weekend trips. Initially she was very supportive and excited for me, but as more weight came off s**** hit the fan.

 

Having slimmed down and started looking more attractive all around, I get quite a bit of attention these days. Where I used to have no friends, now I have many. Guys are constantly hitting on me and they're of a totally different caliber. Plastic surgeons, film directors, a young heir to a sizable fortune and an older guy who’s a big name here in my city who likes to have me as VIP arm candy at some of the various clubs he owns.

 

Sam is NOT happy about any of this. Due to my new look, of course my dresses have gotten a bit tighter, shorts shorter, heels higher, etc – nothing too outrageous though — but Sam has taken to calling me a slut and a tramp for the way I dress and claims I must be sleeping with every single guy I go out with or that guys only talk to me because they think I’m “easy” .

 

Worst of all, now when she’s in town, she purposely excludes me from activities like clubs or parties and dodges my phone calls or says she didn’t get them. However when she’s back home she’s blowing my phone up with calls or texts and wanting to spend hours on Skype chatting away. In the spring, we had a whole summer of vacations, clubbing and other things planned yet now it’s August and the last time we hung out she didn’t speak to me the rest of the time she was here after our guy friend confessed he had a huge crush on me and wanted her to set us up.

 

 

 

She’s due to be married within a year so she’s not actively looking but she has always thrived on male attention and now she views me as “competition”. She says hurtful things constantly and tells her friends (whom I don’t even really know) that I’m now a plaything for rich men, that I'm anorexic or on drugs or whatever (all lies).

 

I won't call it "hating" or jealousy because she's still tall and thin yet it just seems like she feels that there's only room in this friendship for one attractive woman.

 

I’m hurt, really I am. It sucks not having a supportive BFF anymore. It's painful to not even want to share good/exiting news because it'll only be met with derisive comments. Everyone has told me to just cut her off but it’s so damn hard. Cutting her off for good would be like surgically removing a limb…or a sibling.

 

 

 

How do I repair our relationship? How do I address this?

[Smilecharmer]

Congrats on your transformation. You did an amazing thing so never let others make you feel bad about doing what is best for you.

Sam is feeling a huge shift dynamic in your relationship because you really don't need her anymore. She saw herself as your Savior and now that you are paralleling her in looks, she sees that she has little to offer you in her mind.

Sit down with her and tell her that when she says things like that to you she is showing that she needs to control you. It is frankly none of her business if you screw every guy in the universe and wear lingerie from Fredericks as street clothes. She isn't your mother, you don't need her to guide you as you have your own opinions, mind and likes and dislikes. In the sat she controlled you to a certain extent by being your champion if you will, but now you just need a friend. Let her know you appreciate her but you need to live your life without her snarky comments and judging.

[gaius]

Gain 100 pounds back. Other than that it's probably not fixable.

[kolleamm]

Huh sounds like my friends too. They are extremely jealous of any success I have and thus must keep it to myself or tell it to other people. Those aren't really friends.

[preraph]

It does sort of sound like you've gone from zero to 60, so is there any chance she has reason to be concerned that you're behaving like a newly rich rock star or a sugar baby and that she's worried for you? Be careful about getting involved in the "VIP eye candy" thing because that's teetering on some fine lines there. Trust me when I tell you that there are always men looking for women to trot out and entertain clients and that that's not any favor to you but rather using you and profiting off you.

 

I think maybe you need to peel it back and keep in mind if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

It does sort of sound like you've gone from zero to 60, so is there any chance she has reason to be concerned that you're behaving like a newly rich rock star or a sugar baby and that she's worried for you?

 

Not a chance. She's actually the type of girl who encourages that behavior. She even went through an agency to apply to be a 'sugar baby' but was rejected.

 

 

Trust me when I tell you that there are always men looking for women to trot out and entertain clients and that that's not any favor to you but rather using you and profiting off you.

 

Oh I know that but that's not this situation at all. The guy is in his 40s (I'm in my early 20s) and we happened to meet at an event several months ago. He's actually really cool and not some old pervert. I'm black, he's white and has a lot of dealings with black celebs/musicians so he likes having me around.

 

It's not being used as it's more or less an even exchange. I get to go to awesome clubs/parties and meet people, he gets to have a woman half his age on his arm who isn't a vacuous idiot. Fair enough trade.

[preraph]

Just keep your eyes open. I was in the music business years ago so I know how all of it works. Just make sure he doesn't start trying to send you off to entertain others, which is basically pimping you out for his own gain. Because what you described is how it starts, but then some of those guys will get your trust and then try to use it to farm you out because they always need hot girls around to make themselves look good.

 

And not trying to be your mother, but also always be aware of the perception of others in those situations, especially if your career is involved.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Just keep your eyes open. I was in the music business years ago so I know how all of it works. Just make sure he doesn't start trying to send you off to entertain others, which is basically pimping you out for his own gain. Because what you described is how it starts, but then some of those guys will get your trust and then try to use it to farm you out because they always need hot girls around to make themselves look good.

 

And not trying to be your mother, but also always be aware of the perception of others in those situations, especially if your career is involved.

 

 

I get what you're saying but no, that's not this situation at all. I'm not some naive teenage bimbo and he's not some sleazy pimp. Being slim may be a new experience for me but common sense isn't. I've known him for a number of months now, nothing even close to what you're describing has ever occurred.

 

We've actually become really good friends but our relationship is based more on the fact that he's an ivy league white guy who often happens to have a number of dealings with younger, urban clientele and gets some level of 'street cred' (whatever ) for being able to "pull" a black woman.

 

As far as how 'others' perceive me, this isn't Podunk, Iowa. It's Los Angeles. If they think I'm some sugarbaby or kept woman or whatever, that's on them. My career isn't involved in the least; I have zero aspirations to be in the entertainment industry whatsoever.

 

Again, I get what you're saying but that's not what's happening here.

[CC12]

You should bring it up with her before cutting her off, since you seem to still want to be friends with her.

 

Sometimes people don't even realize how they're behaving until they're called on it. There's no need to be confrontational, just say something like, "Is everything okay with us? I'm asking because I've been feeling like you're mad at me or something? What's going on?" Play dumb, because until you talk to her, you really don't know exactly what her issue is. Right now, you're just guessing that it has to do with you becoming more attractive. Maybe something about your personality has also changed and it's rubbing her the wrong way?

 

And don't let her dodge it by being like, "Ohhh nooooo I'm not mad at you at alllllllll." Say, "Really? Because you've called me a slut and a tramp and I was hurt by it." Be honest about how she's making you feel. Her reaction will tell you whether or not the friendship can be salvaged.

[catherine1]

Maybe your friend has overlooked who you actually are as a person, assuming that now you have lost weight, your mentality/interests/out look on life has also changed. Maybe by showing that youre still the same woman, it will enable her to look beyond surface level.

[Tayla]

With the best of intentions here, Neither of you are behaving in a mature manner. leave the name calling at the play ground. Openly discuss both the attributes you both bring to the relationship and the more difficult task of owning your opinions of the other. There is a diamond of an opportunity for you both to accept each other as is.

 

Glad that you are out and about, becoming a lady to public outings. Its good to have a social life. You'll soon learn that your looks and physique will only get you so far in life, at some point you'll understand that at the end of the day, you are no different then the millions of others folks trying to be accepted. Be Gentle with your friend, she was there thru the thick of things, she also deserves time and understanding to grasp this different behavior you are now accustomed to displaying.There is room for you both in this big world. You both have more in common now, make the best of it.

[kajla00007]

if your friend is jealous then leave them. Let them go. once they started appear like this then they wont b good for u.

[HurtZ]

Sorry you are going through this. I can somewhat relate as my bff and I have grown apart recently. It's hard to realize you invest so much in a friendship for years then you see they are quite selfish. If I were you I would just explain point blank how you feel or write her a letter, just let it all out. She will either try to fix it or get upset if it's the later than perhaps you will have to let her go and try to find friends who add to your life instead of detracting from it

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Sorry you are going through this. I can somewhat relate as my bff and I have grown apart recently. It's hard to realize you invest so much in a friendship for years then you see they are quite selfish. If I were you I would just explain point blank how you feel or write her a letter, just let it all out. She will either try to fix it or get upset if it's the later than perhaps you will have to let her go and try to find friends who add to your life instead of detracting from it

 

Wow, given what's been happening with me these past couple weeks I feel like I posted this thread a year ago, I'd completely forgotten about it!

 

At any rate, actually, during some rather innocuous conversation about what, two days after I started this thread my friend made one of her usual comments (that I'd previously complained about here) and I unintentionally lost it. Well I didn't "lose it" so much as suddenly feel enough was enough and called her out on it. On everything a matter of fact.

 

We ended up having a huge blowout argument for 2+ hours; a lot of stuff came out that even I hadn't been aware had cut me so deeply until the words came flooding out. She tried to explain, tried to shuffle blame and make excuses but since I'd already started this thread and had been contemplating a (less hostile) confrontation for some time, my arguments were well thought out and much of what wasn't really debatable.

 

 

About 2/3 of the way through she ran out of ammo and finally had to own up to a lot of what I said when she could no longer come up with valid excuses. There was a ton of yelling but no name-calling words exchanged, only absolute truths. Still, in the end she claimed I was "overreacting" and said I had "hurt her" by saying these things (the truth?) and that she couldn't "talk to me about this anymore" then hung up in my face.

 

I took that as the final end to the friendship but made peace with it, simply glad I'd finally got all of it off my chest.

 

Fast-forward two weeks and lo and behold, we're thick as thieves again, and with a whole new understanding between us. It was jarring to her to hear me really lay out all the things she had done and equally jarring to be made aware that no, I wasn't oblivious and no, I didn't believe her phone was always dead or that she "totally sent that invite via text, it just must not have gone through!"

 

We talked it out (calmly this time) over the weekend and it's been made clear that the old me, the quiet one who never challenged anyone and took mean comments with my head held down is dead and gone. It's now been established that if either one of us feels the other is doing something "problematic" it can and WILL be address immediately so things don't just build and build for months or even years.

 

Hopefully things stay this way.

[Els]

I think Sam is being ridiculous and toxic and if she doesn't genuinely change and stop treating you like that, she should not have any place in your life anymore.

 

That being said, this:

 

Guys are constantly hitting on me and they're of a totally different caliber. Plastic surgeons, film directors, a young heir to a sizable fortune and an older guy who’s a big name here in my city who likes to have me as VIP arm candy at some of the various clubs he owns.

 

Kinda rubs me the wrong way to be honest. I mean... there's so much more to men than just their placement on the income scale. There's so much more to relationships than being 'VIP arm candy'. It doesn't justify the things your friend is saying or doing, but it strikes me as rather superficial. If a close friend of mine revealed her true colours in that manner I wouldn't call her names or backstab her, but we'd probably end up drifting apart.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Kinda rubs me the wrong way to be honest. I mean... there's so much more to men than just their placement on the income scale. There's so much more to relationships than being 'VIP arm candy'. It doesn't justify the things your friend is saying or doing, but it strikes me as rather superficial. If a close friend of mine revealed her true colours in that manner I wouldn't call her names or backstab her, but we'd probably end up drifting apart.

 

I think some people took what I said the wrong way. When I mentioned the type of guys going after me now I did so because this was a point of contention with Sam. She's always been superficial and materialistic and dreamed of being swept off her feet by a rich prince. Yet today, she's currently engaged to a working class guy.

 

I don't care about income. I'm middle class and fairly independent so a guy's networth has never been of much interest to me. To Sam it was "unfair" that the guys she's always felt she "deserved" were knocing on my door.

 

I'm aware that there's more to relationships than being arm candy and whatnot, I'm not chasing these guys nor only seeking rich men. The fact is, I'm already seeing someone - a student like myself (who knows about all my exploits).

[Zeurich]

Well known story by my side too honestly it is damn hard to deal with truly sorry what you going through. Mine was even worst.

[TigerLilly78]

Hey OP congrats on things one idea and im sorry its a bit negitive but maybe she was only ever friends with you back then cause being around you made her look good? its sick and twisted but it makes sence considering how shes acting now im sorry its a crappy situation to be in..

[jay1983]

Jealous, can't stand to see you smile. Oh well, this is the way life goes. BTW things really not going so well for you with this and the other situation with your mom.

[Blade96]

I had a "friend" like that. We were great buds for about 10 years in met in grade 7 I think. LIke you I was the loser everyone bullied and no one liked me. Had no friends. she liked me being the one to lean on her.

 

But as soon as I grew up, went to university to study Russian language and make friends (even dated a russian guy) she changed. She didn't like me talking about uni with her. The last straw was at a party to celebrate the turning of the milennium. I mentioned the russian guy I had dated, and she went crazy. Backed me up against the house outside and was calling me every kind of name in the book, and was going to bash my face in. Luckily my parents showed up at that time and I was saved. Then she started calling my parents and saying I was calling her at work. I never did that ever. So my parents knew too that she was crazy.

 

She contacted me through fb just a few years ago. I said I did not want to be friends with her because she was going to beat me up and attack me that time for mentioning the guy. She said I was the crazy one and I needed help because I fed her friends dog pizza and made her sick. That Just confirmed what I already knew - she's bat****. She blocked me anyway. Ha! Never seen or heard from her since.

 

Some people just HATE when you're doing better in life.

 

P.S. I found out later that she had done the very same thing to another one of her former friends who had also gone to university.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I had a "friend" like that. We were great buds for about 10 years in met in grade 7 I think. Like you I was the loser everyone bullied and no one liked me. Had no friends. she liked me being the one to lean on her.

 

But as soon as I grew up, went to university to study Russian language and make friends (even dated a russian guy) she changed. She didn't like me talking about uni with her.

 

Jesus, I don't know how long I could have put up with that level of crazy:eek:.

 

I think I've pretty much figured the situation with Sam out though. I had to take a step back, stop looking at just one aspect and take in everything as a whole. The seemingly very limited amount of time in which this "transformation" took place was a major factor.

 

Plus, she's getting married soon, working full time, etc; I think it was sort of jarring to her to see me thrust into the "fun" stage of youth meanwhile she's settling down, preparing to start a family, checking mortgage rates, etc. These are all things she's long since wanted but I think my "new" life had sort of reminded her of what she was losing or would be missing out on.

 

And I think things like baling on me during her rare trips back home was her way of lashing out at me. She wanted to make me feel left out or envious because that's how I was making her feel (even though she couldn't have possibly been present for most of the things I attend).