He's leaving for a month of internship and I don't know if he's coming back. Help!

[roxy_1980]

The guy that I've been seeing for 2 months is leaving for an internship to finish his degree for a month in April. I was originally working under the information that he was going to come back to school for a post-grad program and so it seemed okay at the time to get together. But lately he's been on the fence about going for this grad program and questioning if he wants to spend another two years in school or not. (Most of this has been in conversation, not a serious talk)

 

A little history before I continue: We dated a year and half ago, but broke up when he moved because of distance. He's also a self-proclaimed commitment phobe.

 

I need some advice about approaching the subject with him, without him running for the hills because I'm pushing too hard and he thinks I want to tie him down. If we have this conversation it could easily turn into the "couple talk".

 

I always feel like someone that trying to get a little squirrel to come and eat peanuts from my hand. I don't want to make any big movement that will scare him off.

 

Under normal circumstances, I'd be perfectly willingly to let sleeping dogs lie and let him to slowly come towards me. But this new development of him maybe not coming back has caused me to have to force the issue of what going to happen in the future.

 

I have fairly strong feeling for this guy, given our history and if he's leaving for good I'd prefer to know now so that I don't get anymore attached than I already am.

 

It seems unfair that our timing is never quite right.

 

So any advice about how to approach it? I wanna know, but on the odd chances that he's not going for good, I don't wanna screw it up.

 

Thank you in advance,

Roxy

[LucreziaBorgia]

But this new development of him maybe not coming back has caused me to have to force the issue of what going to happen in the future.

 

If he is considering an option which will put even more distance and time between you, and will negate any chance of a relationship then there isn't an issue to force. His fence sitting alone shows you that he doesn't have enough invested on either side to make a firm decision. At least he didn't make the decision to leave outright - so he at least has some emotional investment in your relationship, but it may not be enough.

 

It sounds like right now, a relationship with you isn't one of his higher priorities - he has school and career on the brain. He broke it off with you once, you got back together and within two months he was moving in the same direction: away from you. I don't know if that's commitment phobia in general or just commitment phobia when it comes to this relationship.

 

In a 'walking on eggshells' situation like this, any rocking you do of the boat - no matter how slight, will tip it over. Not an easy situation. All you can do is let him know that if he goes away again, that you are worried that you'll break up. Just a simple observation that doesn't require hours of emotional fallout for him to 'run away from' - just a simple sentence, which will let him know that you are concerned without putting any pressure on him.

 

I'm sure he knows that already, and the fact that he is considering going anyway doesn't sound like he's too emotionally invested in keeping the relationship going. It sounds like right now he doesn't mind if it continues, but he won't mind if it ends, either.

[roxy_1980]

I think I've been vague about the issues at hand. We are not currently in a LDR, we are in the same city again. We both refuse to have a long term long distance relationship. (Something we worked out the first time).

 

Also, it is not really a choice about where he goes to his internship. He has to go where they tell him to or he doesn't graduate. Also, there is absolutley no work in our town in his chosen field. The only reason to come back to take the grad program (excluding me).

 

I don't want him to take some half a$$ job just to be with me. If he can work in his dream job without this grad program, I want him to take it. I can't be the one to hold him back, it's just unfair.

 

As for your advice,LB, he's not the type of guy to just accept a statement like "I'm worried we'll break up" and be like "Yeah, that's nice hun." It will become a big discussion and I'm afraid that I'll say something that's clingy or demanding. I want him to stay because it's best for him, not because I guilt him into it.

 

Any help?