Newly Separated

[litllost]

Hi all last week my husband and I decided to separate, he is going next week as we are finding staying in the same house unbearable; we still love one another but know it won't work - About us:

 

We have been married for 23 years and together for 25. We have three children, two of which have left home and a son still at school. We emigrated from the UK to Australia for a better life 4 years ago and neither of us regret the decision.

 

For a number of years we have had progressively bad times, but the good still outweighed the bad and so we kept on working at the marriage however, for the last year or so it has been getting worse and I have mentioned separation or divorce to him on a number of occasions, especially after arguments that have resulted in him being violent, but I have forgiven and tried but failed, because I cant get past the hate that creeps in when I remember those times.

 

His drinking has become more frequent and he is usually asleep on the floor, or wherever he crashes, by about 8pm then he has woken and wanted sex, which he is unable to do because things don’t function with the alcohol intake and so I am blamed for sitting on Facebook instead of wanting to be with him and yet I know it would be fruitless - and so yes, I have avoided him.

 

Last week we had yet another row and he said some nasty things while he was drunk, which I reacted to by sending him a text the next morning saying I had enough and that things really were not working between us and I was sick of it all. He took a walk that morning and came home to say that he was tired of fighting to keep the relationship going on his own and he feels we should separate for good, he said he wants to keep everything amicable and will pay 80% of his wages into the bank for me to pay bills etc and he will only be taking the bare necessities with him when he leaves.

 

Now here is the thing, I know he is going and I know its for the best and I know we are never going to work - he will not see a marriage counsellor with me and does not feel the need to address his drinking - but the thought of him actually going is killing me, I love him still and this hurts like hell, even though I know its right. Is this normal . . .

 

Finally I just want to say that apart from a few violent outbursts, he is a good man who loves his children and has always been there for them, he would have done anything for me if I had been able to love him the way he wants to be loved, but I can’t and I kind of feel guilty about that.

 

Thank you and sorry for the long post.

[PegNosePete]

Wow he is treating you so badly yet you still pull out the old stand-by of the abused housewife, "but I love him"... just read back over what you have written. He sounds like a terrible person. He is violent, abusive, drinks heavily and demands sex. This is not a good man you are describing here.

 

But you're in a co-dependent situation. You're so attached to him even though he treats you incredibly badly. And in fact he even makes it seem as though it's all your fault, when in fact it is him who is treating you like a piece of dirt.

 

It's for the best - get rid of this guy. But since he is moving out so soon I would recommend you don't do anything to rock the boat. Just carry on with what you are doing until he is gone. Once he is out, then you can file for divorce, sort the finances, etc. If you start doing all of that before he is gone, he may decide to stay (it is his house as well after all, he has every right to stay). If he stays it will not only be a worse living situation for you, it may harm you financially in the long run.

 

Of course if he is violent towards you or the child then you should call the police immediately and have him removed.

Edited August 8, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Chi townD]

Drinking and drugs. One of the highest killers of a relationship aside from infidelity.

 

 

 

 

Problem is, once he starts drinking, he turns into a man you didn't marry and you hate that guy. But, here's the rub, you can't help him with that. He needs to get a handle on his drinking because HE see's it being a problem. Until, he can admit that it's become a problem, then there's nothing you can do.

[whichwayisup]

he will not see a marriage counsellor with me and does not feel the need to address his drinking

 

Until he realizes this on his own, it is best to separate. Maybe in the future you two can work together to become closer again once he stops drinking and get some help.

 

You should go to marriage counseling on your own though.

[KarlaB]

My husband thinks marriage counseling is for crazy people and besides it's all my fault the marriage fell apart so he shouldn't have to do anything. I am in counseling, or just started back, because it's for me.

[litllost]

Thank you Pete when I read your post it made me see our relationship from an outsiders perspective and although I would like to defend some of what you wrote, its only because I have done that for years and it's become second nature, it also made me think how my children are viewing our relationship and how this has affected them over the years and it strengthened my resolve today when I saw him. I know this is the right thing to do but it is still scary and a little sad. We will just have to see how things go I guess.

[litllost]

Thank you whichway I will definitely seek some counselling as it will be good to talk to someone independent and impartial

[EverySunset]

if I stayed with my stbxh another ten years, I could write your story exactly.

 

YES it will hurt. Its meant to, unfortunately. I told my ex I would have sex with him if he could be sober when I brought the kids home from school around 3pm. So then we didnt have sex for months, except when he then "took it" by force, violently, when drunk. Needless to say, that behavior killed it even faster.

 

I know you think "oh no, he'd never hurt ME like that"... But alcohol would eventually make you a liar. Make your H a liar. Because he will continue to hurt you. Physically, emotionally... Until you become a sad shell of yourself, holding desperately onto a sad shell of what your marriage once was.

 

Take today, and don't spend the entire day worrying about HIM. What to say to HIM. How you can fix you and HIM. And spend an entire day, taking YOU back. Once I stopped obsessing over those things, my entire life opened up.

 

I no longer wanted to waste my life (not) fixing a drunk. It doesn't work anyway.

 

Focus on fixing YOU.

[Astrolink]

How are you doing financially? Are you employed? Be prepared for some tough economic times (just giving you reality) as a court will never order him to pay 80% of his wages. If you aren't working and are a long term stay at home parent, about 50% would be the max with the minor child, then 1/2 that when the child is 18 (or so, depending on where you live). If you are working and make a decent wage, he would most likely pay around 25% (this also varies, can be as low as 15% depending on where you live), then nothing when the child is 18. Best of luck to you.

[litllost]

Thanks Sunset I totally get what you have written and appreciate your honesty. When we saw each other, we had what could only be called a “good bye f$%^” there was no love no meaning nothing that could possibly solidify the relationship and it didn't "happen" until we did it again the next morning and then I felt as though I had been used to prove he still could because he said “at least we know we both function” - well I knew I did already! This reminded me that if he hadn't been drunk he could have the first time and that to me was the clincher, I felt as though I had allowed myself to be used for his benefit again – I realised its never been about us or what we want, only about him and yet I have always taken the blame and been made to feel guilty for his failings.

 

We had a row again last night, it was over something really stupid as usual, he shouted at me called me a cu%$ because he knows that really hurts and shouted at our son when he asked us to stop arguing and I realised that if I haven't got the guts to do this for myself, then I could at least protect my son from this as he means more! He sent me a text this morning to say sorry for shouting at our son and at me, but he didn't apologise for what he called me, does he even remember? Who knows? So I guess that tells me what he really feels about me. So here I sit tonight waiting for my husband to move out and hoping its soon, because our relationship is poison nothing more and nothing less.

[litllost]

Astrolink yes I work full time thankfully and he is being reasonable about the money (I know that) and hopefully we can sell this house and go our separate ways as soon as possible. I don't want his money - I just want to be happy I would live in a tent in the back garden if it meant I would be happy because as of right now I feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life.

[EverySunset]

Thanks Sunset I totally get what you have written and appreciate your honesty.

 

We had a row again last night, it was over something really stupid as usual, he shouted at me called me a cu%$ because he knows that really hurts...

 

Btw, this hit me later. That word only hurts because you let it. Embrace it. At its most vulgar, it trumpets something beautiful: woman! I have embraced that word, and b*t@h too. Why not? I love love love being a woman. Nobody can bring me down by calling me one, especially with something so arbitrary. Would you be offended at Peach? That's what I call gals. And we are. Ripe, luscious, and juicy.

 

When you give people the weapons to wound you, they will take them up in an instant and do so. So make this one yours. The next time he calls you that, insist that indeed, you are. A ripe, luscious c*nt, and watch his jaw drop right open.

 

Take back your power. And start with your Peach.

[beach]

Finally I just want to say that apart from a few violent outbursts, he is a good man who loves his children and has always been there for them, he would have done anything for me if I had been able to love him the way he wants to be loved, but I can’t and I kind of feel guilty about that.

 

No he's not a good man. He isn't there for his kids when he's drunk every night. Screaming at others has given your kids the idea that men act this way and it's normal! They will more likely replicate this in their own lives because they now believe it's "normal". Normal to them anyway.

 

He wouldn't do ANYTHING for you because he won't quit drinking and he won't quit arguing!

 

Stop acting like this is ok, it's not ok!

 

Defending him she's that you need serious counseling. You're susceptible to choosing the same type in the future if you don't seek help.

 

You can't love him the way he wants to be loved because the real him is gone and been replaced by the evil alcoholic.

 

Since he loves his alcohol more than you and the kids - he's made his choice... To lose his family instead of not drinking.

 

It's sad. But you don't have to feel guilty or bad for making decisions in your best interest.

 

You can be a good example to your kids that unacceptable behavior has a limit and one shouldn't have to be miserable and scared to live a happy life.

[litllost]

Beach thanks for your reply but it was the hardest to respond to, because although you had some good points, you also made me feel like your reply was based on your life and not mine...firstly, I do not 'need some serious counselling' neither am I 'susceptible to choosing the same type in the future' because if this has taught me anything, it has taught me what I don't want in my life and... I have and I always will, put my kids before anything else in my life, because they are my life, that's why I am here to find answers, not to be judged by others mistakes. But thank you for taking the time to reply and may I suggest that you read your comment through and perhaps think about what you write to someone who is already feeling vulnerable.

[PegNosePete]

Welcome back OP, hope you're doing well.

 

Did he move out in the end?

[litllost]

Hi Pete, yes he moved out, its been about four weeks now and I am even more confused than I was before. I have no doubt he loves me, or that he wants us back together. The problem is, I am scared that once the second honeymoon period has worn off, we will be right back where we started. If I wasn't still in love with him, it would be much easier to walk away. Plus to make matters even more confusing, we have met up and .... well you know.... and it was good, but if we try to discuss anything, it just ends up in an argument, or I get left feeling as though I am the one that has to change everything about me and he doesn't have to do a thing. It's like he is saying to me "I love you but for me to come back you have to do this, don't do this, let me do this" etc etc and the voice in my head screams at me, for gods sake woman, what are you doing????? I am very confused and I don't know what the hell to do next. I am constantly questioning whether this is a habit I cannot break because its been so long, or am I still completely in love with him and it's worth giving it a try...

[PegNosePete]

Hmm, just read back over your original post and the replies you were given.

 

What are you teaching your kids, by allowing this guy to treat you like this? Would you want them to marry someone like him, and be in the same situation you are in now? This is exactly what you are teaching them is "normal" and "OK" for a relationship. Kids learn by example. What example are you teaching them?

[Tayken]

Usually I'll always advice a man not to leave the matrimonial home if he wants any chance of seeing his kids, but it sounds your kids are grown ups. It's not uncommon to see long term marriages breaking up these days. In the past couple of months I have heard of marriages ranging from 25 to 37 years breaking up.

 

It's not something that happened all of a sudden, and as you pointed out there have been incidents in the past that you thought were nothing.

 

The best you can do for yourself, kids and everyone involved, is to sort out the malarkey amicable i.e. sell the house, do equalization, pay off any joint debts and move on with your life.

[beach]

Beach thanks for your reply but it was the hardest to respond to, because although you had some good points, you also made me feel like your reply was based on your life and not mine...firstly, I do not 'need some serious counselling' neither am I 'susceptible to choosing the same type in the future' because if this has taught me anything, it has taught me what I don't want in my life and... I have and I always will, put my kids before anything else in my life, because they are my life, that's why I am here to find answers, not to be judged by others mistakes. But thank you for taking the time to reply and may I suggest that you read your comment through and perhaps think about what you write to someone who is already feeling vulnerable.

 

I didn't mean to make it harder for you - I'm sorry if it did.

 

My point is that since you stated that his drinking has gotten that bad - you shouldn't have to deal with his bad behavior.

 

And I get it - you can still love someone but not find their bad behavior acceptable.

 

Part of loving someone who has a drinking problem is that their behavior will often hurt the ones they love.

 

And yes, I do have many years of experience first hand with heavy drinkers and ones who quit as well as family members of the drinkers and ex-drinkers.

 

It always looks happier if each individual does what's in their own best interest.

 

I hope you take care of yourself.

[litllost]

Thanks Beach, now I understand what you were saying. I am very mixed up. I don't even know what I am feeling half the time, it's really difficult to put into words what my emotions actually mean because instead of knowing I am happy, sad, thoughtful, emotional, angry, tired, crazy etc I am all of those things at the same time. Thinking about what I need to do next is like being on a roundabout going full pelt. I need to slow it down so I can deal with each segment of my life before I move onto the next... so I know what I need to do... it's how do I go about doing it that confuses me.