Jealousy and Porn. I need to know if I'm crazy...

[Saphy]

Same old question, but I suppose I just need some support that I am not going too far in this whole thing and blowing things way out of the water. Sorry that it's so long. I wanted to make sure you got all the details...

 

So let me just start off by laying out the foundation. I am a 21 year old female who has been with my fiance for 6 years on August 23rd, but I have known him for around 8 and had a crush on him since I first set eyes on him. He's been with other women before we were together, were as for me, it's only been him. He's the first guy that I've ever kissed and the first one that I've slept with and he is the love of my life and he feels the same.

 

We dated while living at separate houses (from 16 to 18) and so porn was alright to me. I couldn't always be there to give him his jollys, so to say and so I accepted it and even did it myself a lot. But when he turned 18, he moved in with me. At that point, I stopped looking at porn and asked him to do the same. Well, needless to say, he didn't stop, just hid it. He wouldn't tell me, if I found out, I would confront him about it and how hurt I was that he did it because of my past family issues where my dad would constantly say that he's going to stop drinking, but never did and I'd get my hopes up every time only to have them shattered.

 

So I trusted my boyfriend and took his word for it every single time that he said he would stop because of how much it hurt me.

 

It got a whole lot better until just these last few months. I went and made lunch and came to deliver it to him in our bedroom and I found him looking at porn. Needless to say that I exploded because he'd broken a promise that he made to me and worse, he says he did it to "get in the mood because he figured I would be horny" ( I normally get a bit frisky before he goes to work, but I never push him unless he is feeling frisky too). And that just made it feel worse. Like I, by myself, am not good enough to get his engine revving (if you catch my drift). I know that I look different than I did in high school, I mean, who doesn't gain a few pounds? But did I really change that much? No.

 

So he promises me that he'll stop and he wont do it again, and again, like a fool, I took his word for it and believed him. Even bought him his own laptop on the trust that he wouldn't look at porn. Low and behold, I find out last night that he looked at porn just that morning and the few mornings prior. And then, to add insult to injury, he says that before our last big fight about it, he looked it up every single day for like three months.

 

Now, I have a very high sex drive. He has a rather... medium sex drive. We probably end up having sex 3 to 4 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I am always open to his advances and I do mean always. I've only ever turned him down once and that was because I had a really bad migraine where I was feeling sick to my stomach. Understandable reason to say "give me thirty minutes to feel a little better".

 

From the time that we moved in together, I didn't look at porn without him. And it isn't so much the fact that he is looking at porn, but the fact that he is hiding it from me and I have to force the truth out of him. It's the fact that he made a promise to me and then broke it repeatedly. It's that every time he said he wouldn't I whole heartedly believed him and got my feelings crushed every time.

 

I am now going through a faze that I am having issues trusting him and I feel so shattered inside that I am on the verge of just saying that I can't do it anymore because I can't trust him and I feel that he doesn't respect me.

 

I have rather low self esteem, that I have been working on over the past month because I don't want to be "that girlfriend" who keeps tabs on his every minute of every day. I don't want to snoop through his computer or his internet history. I really don't. So I have been working on myself. But this... It's a really crushing blow to know that even though I have been trying so very hard to make myself feel better about myself, and gain confidence so that I can be more appealing to him or that I can wear lingerie without feeling like a goof ball. And still, that isn't enough for him.

 

I just want to know if I am crazy to be upset and hurt. I want to know if I am being too sensitive or if I realistically have a right to feel betrayed. Even after all this, my heart is still telling me to trust that he wont do it again (since we had another fight over it last night that lasted probably three to four hours), but my brain is telling me that he's going to do it again and that I really shouldn't even trust that he wont. To me, in order to marry this man, I need to trust him with everything and right now, I feel like I can't...

[Smilecharmer]

First of all, and please read this several times so it will sink in, you cannot change another person ever. He is an individual and he gets to do what he wants as an adult. If it makes you feel bad and he doesn't want to change, he doesn't have to. You can only control your own situation so either stay and know it is a part of your lives or move on and find someone more compatible with you.

 

Secondly, you have dated one person your entire life. You have no idea who you are or what you want for your life but roll through your days with this guy whom you have had a crush in forever being the center of your universe. You have self esteem issues because you have no sense of self. Being in a relationship that long in your teens takes away some of your growth experience because you don't become an individual, you become a part of a couple. This is terrible for your self esteem and development as a person. Marriage isn't something one enters into without both people being well rounded, healthy individuals. Get into MC to discuss all these sex questions plus finance, household and yard chores, childrearing and extended family before you get married.

[thekid36]

Same old question, but I suppose I just need some support that I am not going too far in this whole thing and blowing things way out of the water. Sorry that it's so long. I wanted to make sure you got all the details...

 

So let me just start off by laying out the foundation. I am a 21 year old female who has been with my fiance for 6 years on August 23rd, but I have known him for around 8 and had a crush on him since I first set eyes on him. He's been with other women before we were together, were as for me, it's only been him. He's the first guy that I've ever kissed and the first one that I've slept with and he is the love of my life and he feels the same.

 

We dated while living at separate houses (from 16 to 18) and so porn was alright to me. I couldn't always be there to give him his jollys, so to say and so I accepted it and even did it myself a lot. But when he turned 18, he moved in with me. At that point, I stopped looking at porn and asked him to do the same. Well, needless to say, he didn't stop, just hid it. He wouldn't tell me, if I found out, I would confront him about it and how hurt I was that he did it because of my past family issues where my dad would constantly say that he's going to stop drinking, but never did and I'd get my hopes up every time only to have them shattered.

 

So I trusted my boyfriend and took his word for it every single time that he said he would stop because of how much it hurt me.

 

It got a whole lot better until just these last few months. I went and made lunch and came to deliver it to him in our bedroom and I found him looking at porn. Needless to say that I exploded because he'd broken a promise that he made to me and worse, he says he did it to "get in the mood because he figured I would be horny" ( I normally get a bit frisky before he goes to work, but I never push him unless he is feeling frisky too). And that just made it feel worse. Like I, by myself, am not good enough to get his engine revving (if you catch my drift). I know that I look different than I did in high school, I mean, who doesn't gain a few pounds? But did I really change that much? No.

 

So he promises me that he'll stop and he wont do it again, and again, like a fool, I took his word for it and believed him. Even bought him his own laptop on the trust that he wouldn't look at porn. Low and behold, I find out last night that he looked at porn just that morning and the few mornings prior. And then, to add insult to injury, he says that before our last big fight about it, he looked it up every single day for like three months.

 

Now, I have a very high sex drive. He has a rather... medium sex drive. We probably end up having sex 3 to 4 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I am always open to his advances and I do mean always. I've only ever turned him down once and that was because I had a really bad migraine where I was feeling sick to my stomach. Understandable reason to say "give me thirty minutes to feel a little better".

 

From the time that we moved in together, I didn't look at porn without him. And it isn't so much the fact that he is looking at porn, but the fact that he is hiding it from me and I have to force the truth out of him. It's the fact that he made a promise to me and then broke it repeatedly. It's that every time he said he wouldn't I whole heartedly believed him and got my feelings crushed every time.

 

I am now going through a faze that I am having issues trusting him and I feel so shattered inside that I am on the verge of just saying that I can't do it anymore because I can't trust him and I feel that he doesn't respect me.

 

I have rather low self esteem, that I have been working on over the past month because I don't want to be "that girlfriend" who keeps tabs on his every minute of every day. I don't want to snoop through his computer or his internet history. I really don't. So I have been working on myself. But this... It's a really crushing blow to know that even though I have been trying so very hard to make myself feel better about myself, and gain confidence so that I can be more appealing to him or that I can wear lingerie without feeling like a goof ball. And still, that isn't enough for him.

 

I just want to know if I am crazy to be upset and hurt. I want to know if I am being too sensitive or if I realistically have a right to feel betrayed. Even after all this, my heart is still telling me to trust that he wont do it again (since we had another fight over it last night that lasted probably three to four hours), but my brain is telling me that he's going to do it again and that I really shouldn't even trust that he wont. To me, in order to marry this man, I need to trust him with everything and right now, I feel like I can't...

 

Porn per-se is not really the main issue here. The most important aspect of all is that he does not seem to be respecting you. Based on the fact that he continues doing something you do not want him to. Many may say that his looking at porn is okay. That you should not let it bother you and accept it. It just doesn't matter even whether he thinks it's appropriate or not. Something you feel threatened by should mean he should stop doing it. No questions even asked at all. Because when in a relationship, it means that all is no longer about your own self.

 

 

Your other half has been dishonest when claiming to stop. He also does this all behind your back. This is an issue that extends beyond this one going forward. Trust and compromise are necessary within any healthy relationship. You have no real reason to trust him. Nor, any sense he is willing to actually address your concerns. This is not the first time these issues have come up. He has been looking at porn for awhile. It sounds as if you deserve more than this.

[Keenly]

You do not own your boyfriends eyes nor his sexuality. He clearly loves you for being with you so long, but you do not get to demand that he stop.

 

 

I would highly recommend researching the entire porn and jealousy concept.

 

Men do not watch porn because we want to be with either women. We simply want to get off. That's it. End of story. We don't give two craps about the woman in the video.

 

 

 

 

But remember, its not within your rights to insist that he alter his behavior like that. You either accept him as he is, or you decide if its something you cant handle.and its worth losing him over.

 

 

 

 

Also, you better keep.in mind that 95 percent of men watch porn. If you let it vither you this much ( you should not ) then it will bother you in every relationship you will ever have.

[Keenly]

Porn per-se is not really the main issue here. The most important aspect of all is that he does not seem to be respecting you. Based on the fact that he continues doing something you do not want him to. Many may say that his looking at porn is okay. That you should not let it bother you and accept it. It just doesn't matter even whether he thinks it's appropriate or not. Something you feel threatened by should mean he should stop doing it. No questions even asked at all. Because when in a relationship, it means that all is no longer about your own self.

 

 

Your other half has been dishonest when claiming to stop. He also does this all behind your back. This is an issue that extends beyond this one going forward. Trust and compromise are necessary within any healthy relationship. You have no real reason to trust him. Nor, any sense he is willing to actually address your concerns. This is not the first time these issues have come up. He has been looking at porn for awhile. It sounds as if you deserve more than this.

 

 

 

 

I completely 100% disagree that anytime some one feels threatened by something, that their partner should stop. You are not taking into consideration that what if the perceived " threat " is irrational?

 

If everyone stopped anything anytime a spouse was uncomfortable, we would all cease.to be who we are and conform into what everyone else wants us to be, and lose everything that makes us who we are.

[Lecturer]

Okay, I'm going to be blunt here.

 

He's going to do it again. Like 95%+ of guys do.

 

And like 95% of guys, you telling him not to look at porn will only lead to him doing it in secrecy. And I'll warn you, secrets in relationships are insidious and pervasive... once you have that little bit of secrecy in your relationship it becomes easy to do more and more things in secret.

 

I suppose it would be wrong for me to tell you that you need to find a way to be okay with it. You don't. You are free to decide what is acceptable and what is not. A woman might decide her BF is never to play video games, or a man might decide his wife should never go out with friends. They can decide these things, like you can, but that doesn't mean their partner has to obey the rule. Their partner may actually follow the rule, but more than likely they will either do it in secret, or leave the relationship. And if your partner does it and gets caught, then you are also free to end the relationship. But I'll tell you, you will have a hard time not having this happen again and again.

 

I know you cited your father's drinking as a basis for your feelings, and I get that. But something you need to remember is that moderate porn use is not destructive the way alcoholism is. Excessive porn use - which can lead to erectile and libido issues - could be destructive to a relationship, and in that case I would be fully in agreement with you about your partner needing to deal with that. But moderate porn use is not unlike moderate cookie eating... it's enjoyable and only has minor short-term negative repercussions.

 

I know you also cited self-esteem being a problem for you. With respect to that I really need to stress the following to you:

 

PORN USE DOES NOT DENOTE A LACK OF ATTRACTION FOR A PARTNER!

 

Just because a guy jerks off to porn doesn't mean he isn't 100x more turned on by his gf/wife. Hell, it is totally reasonable that he might be looking up girls that remind him of you. Or of acts that you and he recently did, or that he wants to do with you.

 

I really think this is a situation where you need to be pragmatic. Find a way to accept that he is going to look at porn, and with that in mind don't make rules that are likely to lead to an atmosphere of secrecy. I can tell you first hand that it leads to a very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

 

Instead, focus on any direct ramifications of the porn use. For example - if he jerks it to porn and then can't perform during sex, then you can get upset about that. In such a situation there is no secrecy, and he'll actually react in response to that much better (more likely to end or reduce porn usage) than you arbitrarily saying "don't do that because I don't want you to".

[Saphy]

I completely 100% disagree that anytime some one feels threatened by something, that their partner should stop. You are not taking into consideration that what if the perceived " threat " is irrational?

 

If everyone stopped anything anytime a spouse was uncomfortable, we would all cease.to be who we are and conform into what everyone else wants us to be, and lose everything that makes us who we are.

 

I have given up things for him that I have enjoyed doing. So why should it be any different? Again, it isn't so much that I mind him watching porn, it's that I mind him hiding it from me and doing it behind my back and then trying to lie about it and breaking promises that he has made to me. THAT is what I mind. As I have every right to mind. If I had promised him I wouldn't hang out with an ex or someone he doesn't like because of the way the guy looks at me, and I did it anyway simply because 'it makes me feel good', then he would be very upset with me and I wouldn't do it anymore because I know it makes him feel very bad about himself. He would be hurt that I broke a promise to him, that I hid it from him and that I did it behind his back.

 

Don't I have that right also? He asks me to stop doing things because it hurts his feelings. Don't I have that same right?

[Keenly]

I have given up things for him that I have enjoyed doing. So why should it be any different? Again, it isn't so much that I mind him watching porn, it's that I mind him hiding it from me and doing it behind my back and then trying to lie about it and breaking promises that he has made to me. THAT is what I mind. As I have every right to mind. If I had promised him I wouldn't hang out with an ex or someone he doesn't like because of the way the guy looks at me, and I did it anyway simply because 'it makes me feel good', then he would be very upset with me and I wouldn't do it anymore because I know it makes him feel very bad about himself. He would be hurt that I broke a promise to him, that I hid it from him and that I did it behind his back.

 

Don't I have that right also? He asks me to stop doing things because it hurts his feelings. Don't I have that same right?

 

I sincerely apologize, I am in a hurry so I only read the first sentence of this specific post, and I need to ask .... WHY did you change who you are for some one else ? Why would you be with some.one that demanded that you do?

[Saphy]

@Keenly

Honestly, I love him. We compromise for the people and things we love. And the things that I enjoyed doing seemed too insignificant to fight over. I've always chose my battles as wisely as my brain and heart will let me. I often try to rationalize my feelings and come up with the best possible outcome. With this, I see no best possible outcome. I'm asking him to give up looking at porn alone. Not give up looking at porn all together. I completely embrace all his fantasies and his fetishes without judgement, like I expect him to do with my own. I entered this relationship knowing far more than I probably should have about sex and weird fetishes for being a virgin, but I've accepted every single part of him, even the one that likes to watch porn. It's when he says that he isn't and does it anyway. I'd rather watch porn with him and both of us get a more pleasurable experience out of it than being alone in our room while he's out in the living room getting his rocks off without me knowing.

 

@Lecturer

I understand that alcoholism isn't the same as porn. I totally get that. What I was saying was the ups and the downs. You tell me you're not going to do it and I am hopeful and optimistic and I believe with every fiber of my being that he wont. And then he does. And it shatters me. Because I put my faith and my trust in someone and they hurt me by breaking it.

 

I am trying to figure out a way to accept it, to handle and deal with this problem, to take the secrecy out of it... I just don't know how. I really did my best not to get upset with him last night over it. I truly did. But I just felt so betrayed and hurt inside that I literally had to remove myself from the house and sit at the end of our driveway for forty minutes and beat the crap out of the trees with sticks until I was calm enough to come up and talk to him about it. I don't know how to get over it. I feel that maybe if we watched it together that he wouldn't want to/need to watch it on his own.

 

I'm sorry that this sounds so pathetic for so many people, but I'm just trying to find out a way around this, a way for me to get over it because doing my best 'just to accept it' isn't working. I really believe that it is going to be a long road and one that I am not going to be able to walk by myself. I believe that as my partner and my friend, he should at least try and help me with it. That he should at least do his best to not look at porn alone until I get more comfortable with that idea and am able to not bat an eyelash at it. Unfortunately, it does take time and it does take work and not just on my end, right?

[leavesonautumn]

I have given up things for him that I have enjoyed doing. So why should it be any different? Again, it isn't so much that I mind him watching porn, it's that I mind him hiding it from me and doing it behind my back and then trying to lie about it and breaking promises that he has made to me. THAT is what I mind. As I have every right to mind. If I had promised him I wouldn't hang out with an ex or someone he doesn't like because of the way the guy looks at me, and I did it anyway simply because 'it makes me feel good', then he would be very upset with me and I wouldn't do it anymore because I know it makes him feel very bad about himself. He would be hurt that I broke a promise to him, that I hid it from him and that I did it behind his back.

 

Don't I have that right also? He asks me to stop doing things because it hurts his feelings. Don't I have that same right?

 

He's hiding it purely based on the fact that you have set up those parameters and it becomes a "secret".

 

Here is what I'm confused about though, why do you say that you don't mind him doing it but get mad when you find out he has? It seems like you just don't want him to do it all together. What kind of promises has he made?

[leavesonautumn]

Also, I do understand where you're coming from. My ex and I had somewhat similar issues. However, he was addicted to porn and it went way beyond just something to watch and enjoy. You can look in my recent posts if you'd like to read what I wrote a few days ago.

 

There's one thing to enjoy porn and another when it becomes a serious problem.

[Saphy]

He's hiding it purely based on the fact that you have set up those parameters and it becomes a "secret".

 

Here is what I'm confused about though, why do you say that you don't mind him doing it but get mad when you find out he has? It seems like you just don't want him to do it all together. What kind of promises has he made?

 

He's promised that he wont do it alone. And I have put it out there so many times that I am willing to look at things with him. I have no issues with him looking at it with me. It's when he does it alone that it bugs me for some reason. It feels like he doesn't trust me with it or that he doesn't want me in on it. And then he goes and he hides it, which makes it worse for me. I do my best not to put these 'parameters' up, as you say, but every time I hear about it, I break into tears and just feel so betrayed and hurt. At the beginning of the relationship, after we had just moved in together, it didn't really bother me as much as it does now and I don't know what changed.

 

So after I caught him once, probably around three years ago, I asked him why he does it. He never gave me a clear answer, just kind of beat around the bush with it and then went on talking about something else. Over these last few months, I have continually asked him what the draw is for him to do it alone, but he never answers. Just changes the subject without a word on it.

 

I am trying to understand his point of view on this, but it's so difficult when he wont tell me. I let him in on every aspect of my life, and I expect the same from him. Is that so much to ask? Probably. Knowing that a lot of people view porn as normal these days... And I really believe that it shouldn't be, but I am willing to make a compromise with him about doing it with me rather than just saying "knock it off all together because it makes me feel bad". I am trying to work at it. I just... Don't know how, I suppose.

 

I agree with you on the looking versus addiction, but to me, it just bugs me. And I accept things that bug him. I don't wear socks with my sandals anymore and I always clean the lint out of the dryer and I always put our movies and video games in alphabetical order. Why? Because those bothered him. And I was willing to compromise with him on these things in order to make him comfortable. There should be things in a relationship that you compromise on and change about yourself to make the other one comfortable. But why should I be the only one compromising? Especially on something that I am not saying no to, but just putting a bit of a stipulation to.

[leavesonautumn]

There are worse things that he could be doing, he could be cheating, he could be seeing escorts. I mean, this is pretty tame in comparison to many other issues you will come across as a couple.

 

You love each other and I'm sure he has made many compromises for you as well but I'm sorry to say it, he's not going to stop. If he chose it over you, yes that's a problem. If it affects your sex like, yes that's a problem. I doubt you will get into another relationship or date men who aren't doing it. It's just something you will have to accept. If it's not something you can handle and it will cause more issues, you will just end up driving each other away even more. I mean, I'm glad you aren't wearing socks with sandals anymore but in the grand scheme of things, life and love go way beyond socks and video game cases. When you're married and have children, these things won't even register anymore as you will realize the importance. If they continue to be an issue, then you will definitely have problems.

 

Smilecharmer gave some pretty good advice, I suggest you take it as well.

 

Are you worried about the type of porn he's looking at?

[Keenly]

The problem here is that you are trying own, monopolize, and control his sexuality. You can not do that with another person. Its very controlling, and a very slippery slope.

 

 

Do you not see that its controlling? You can not demand another person suoress their sexualitu and expect it to not lead to resentment.

[Saphy]

There are worse things that he could be doing, he could be cheating, he could be seeing escorts. I mean, this is pretty tame in comparison to many other issues you will come across as a couple.

 

You love each other and I'm sure he has made many compromises for you as well but I'm sorry to say it, he's not going to stop. If he chose it over you, yes that's a problem. If it affects your sex like, yes that's a problem. I doubt you will get into another relationship or date men who aren't doing it. It's just something you will have to accept. If it's not something you can handle and it will cause more issues, you will just end up driving each other away even more. I mean, I'm glad you aren't wearing socks with sandals anymore but in the grand scheme of things, life and love go way beyond socks and video game cases. When you're married and have children, these things won't even register anymore as you will realize the importance. If they continue to be an issue, then you will definitely have problems.

 

Smilecharmer gave some pretty good advice, I suggest you take it as well.

 

Are you worried about the type of porn he's looking at?

 

No, I'm not worried about the type of porn he's looking at. Like I said, I've come across some weird things in consulting my friends about sex, so nothing really fazes me when it comes to fetishes. He could say that he has an asian fetish and it wouldn't bother me. It's the fact (again) that he lied and he hid it and he broke his promise. Trust to me is important in a relationship and I got into the relationship thinking that we are equals and we should be held to the same 'relationship law' as one another. If he asks me not to do something, or cut back, or not to wear socks with sandals, I wont. And I expect the same out of him. I expect when I ask something as simple as "please don't watch porn without me because I'm sure we'll both get more pleasure out of it", it's a reasonable request. It's just as reasonable as asking if he can change the babies diaper when the time comes or if he can mow the lawn every week. It's something you have to do, even if you don't want to, but for the sake of something greater, we do.

 

As for Smilecharmers comment, no. I have not dated one person my entire life. I have dated other people too, but I have not had sex or even kissed any of them. And I do have a self, it isn't all tied up in my Fiance, like he says, my world revolves around him, work and other hobbies. All of which, my fiance is okay with and I make sure he's okay with them. I expect the same respect that I give my fiance for him to give to me. Is that wrong?

 

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out where asking someone to do something in a relationship is wrong. Something as simple as "hey, why watch porn alone when you can watch it with me?" they do it all the time online with the little ads. "Why masturbate when you can have a hot milf instead?" So why is if so wrong for me to ask my fiance to do the same thing? Do I lose that right just because he's his own person?

[Saphy]

I clearly see now that this was a bad idea to try and get some guidance like this. Everyone is just showing me the 'end result' which ultimately I want too, but no one is telling me a better option than to "just get over it because 95% of the male population does it". I am trying to get over it. I just can't jump to the end of the developmental lane and say "oh, I'm over it now and watch it whenever the hell you want because I don't give a crap". I can't do that. I have to take little steps. And maybe getting used to porn with him first would be the right way to go. Well, it's really the only real way that I see to go other than spending thousands of dollars on a therapist to sit there and tell me that I am insecure and I need to get over it. Thanks, I know that already. I'm working on it. I am trying to let go a little bit, but again, I need to take steps, not teleporation.

 

Thank you all for your words of great help (Heavy sarcasm), but I think it would be best to just not get into this anymore since no one is even willing to see that I am TRYING to get over it. They just assume that I just want him to watch it with me my WHOLE LIFE WITH HIM, and that's not true. My ending goal is to be able to get over him watching it alone. So please excuse me for trying to find just a little bit of help when it came to any other ideas on HOW to get better instead of just saying "you need to get there". Again, thanks, I know I need to get there. My issue is how.

 

How do you get over the trust issues that he did indeed break a promise and just might need to be held accountable for that. Or that he lied and hid it from me.

 

Just like the justice system, we don't always understand why a law is there, but we need to follow it or we get punished. Anyway, I am going to wrap this up by saying thanks for making me feel even more like crap for saying that I am an overbearing hag that needs to let up on her fiance, which I know and I am trying and thus the post. I just needed some freaking notion on how and everyone online today just seems to think that it's the woman's issue with it and that it's alright for the man to do what he wants when he wants and for whatever reason he wants in a relationship. While us women have to compromise and deal with it or we're considered being controlling. Yep. The way it works now. And I wonder why the divorce rate is so high these days. It's because of the double standards that are put on people these days. Nobody wants to work through it and compromise, the just say get over it and move on instead of getting to the root of the problem and actually helping a little.

 

Wrapping this up, have a good day.

[Smilecharmer]

I clearly see now that this was a bad idea to try and get some guidance like this. Everyone is just showing me the 'end result' which ultimately I want too, but no one is telling me a better option than to "just get over it because 95% of the male population does it". I am trying to get over it. I just can't jump to the end of the developmental lane and say "oh, I'm over it now and watch it whenever the hell you want because I don't give a crap". I can't do that. I have to take little steps. And maybe getting used to porn with him first would be the right way to go. Well, it's really the only real way that I see to go other than spending thousands of dollars on a therapist to sit there and tell me that I am insecure and I need to get over it. Thanks, I know that already. I'm working on it. I am trying to let go a little bit, but again, I need to take steps, not teleporation.

 

Thank you all for your words of great help (Heavy sarcasm), but I think it would be best to just not get into this anymore since no one is even willing to see that I am TRYING to get over it. They just assume that I just want him to watch it with me my WHOLE LIFE WITH HIM, and that's not true. My ending goal is to be able to get over him watching it alone. So please excuse me for trying to find just a little bit of help when it came to any other ideas on HOW to get better instead of just saying "you need to get there". Again, thanks, I know I need to get there. My issue is how.

 

How do you get over the trust issues that he did indeed break a promise and just might need to be held accountable for that. Or that he lied and hid it from me.

 

Just like the justice system, we don't always understand why a law is there, but we need to follow it or we get punished. Anyway, I am going to wrap this up by saying thanks for making me feel even more like crap for saying that I am an overbearing hag that needs to let up on her fiance, which I know and I am trying and thus the post. I just needed some freaking notion on how and everyone online today just seems to think that it's the woman's issue with it and that it's alright for the man to do what he wants when he wants and for whatever reason he wants in a relationship. While us women have to compromise and deal with it or we're considered being controlling. Yep. The way it works now. And I wonder why the divorce rate is so high these days. It's because of the double standards that are put on people these days. Nobody wants to work through it and compromise, the just say get over it and move on instead of getting to the root of the problem and actually helping a little.

 

Wrapping this up, have a good day.

 

None of us matter. It is your husband you need to give this lecture to because he is the one who isn't compromising and he won't. He has no incentive to. Do not get married to this guy. You say you compromise and compromise and you ask one thing and he lies and makes it a secret. He isn't a good guy. A man who is a good guy would work with you to compromise about it. He isn't. I don't think you should get over it. I think you need to find a better guy than someone who won't say, hey, I'm going to watch porn because I'm an adult so how can we work it out that it doesn't hurt you. Instead he lies and hides it like a child. He makes you alphabetize and not wear socks which to me are weird and OCDish, but he won't work with you on some that is breaking your heart for whatever reason. Do not marry thin guy. He doesn't know how to not be selfish and compromise. He is an adult and he gets to do whatever he wants and you can't change him so if he isn't compromising, this is what you have to live with as your life's partner. No thanks. I would rather be alone than deal with a man that doesn't care about my feelings.

[Lecturer]

The problem is that you are insecure, and you are doing the absolute worst thing in that situation... trying to counteract insecurity with excessive control. You cannot control and own someone's sexuality 100%.. it is something a person *shares* with another. This is something I didn't realize for a long time, but had to learn.

 

You need to deal with the insecurity directly. The more you want to control something or someone, the more you need to do the opposite.

 

You are right that trust is critical in a relationship. But that is why you shouldn't be setting up your partner to fail. Never make someone promise something that they are almost certainly going to be unable to follow through on. If your partner needed to lose weight, it would be a bad idea to make them promise not to eat sweets anymore. It's not a simple question of love and respect... compulsions don't work like that, and breaking the rule is too easily justified, especially when doing so doesn't directly hurt someone (I get that it huts you, but ethical considerations like that are tougher since the classic 'do unto others...' is no longer valid).

[Mr. Lucky]

And that just made it feel worse. Like I, by myself, am not good enough to get his engine revving (if you catch my drift). I know that I look different than I did in high school, I mean, who doesn't gain a few pounds? But did I really change that much? No.

He's promised that he wont do it alone. And I have put it out there so many times that I am willing to look at things with him. I have no issues with him looking at it with me. It's when he does it alone that it bugs me for some reason. It feels like he doesn't trust me with it or that he doesn't want me in on it. And then he goes and he hides it, which makes it worse for me. I do my best not to put these 'parameters' up, as you say, but every time I hear about it, I break into tears and just feel so betrayed and hurt. At the beginning of the relationship, after we had just moved in together, it didn't really bother me as much as it does now and I don't know what changed.

Wondering if you could address this more.

 

I'm confused as to why you feel you might suffer in comparison ("few pounds") to the women he sees but that jealousy isn't a factor when you watch together ???

 

What happens when you watch porn together that makes it "OK" is missing when he watches alone? Were he masturbating without porn, would that be OK in your eyes?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Anyway, I am going to wrap this up by saying thanks for making me feel even more like crap for saying that I am an overbearing hag that needs to let up on her fiance, which I know and I am trying and thus the post.

 

Not only are you controlling but from the your most recent post (snipped above) you sound extremely manipulative. Did you really just try to guilt trip people who were merely trying to give you constructive advice?

 

and that it's alright for the man to do what he wants when he wants and for whatever reason he wants in a relationship. While us women have to compromise and deal with it or we're considered being controlling.

 

Oh my stars, he's not beating you, cheating on you or snorting coke off your coffee table. He's occasionally watching random people have sex on camera. You're upset because he broke a promise to you which yes, can be very hurtful but it's a promise he shouldn't ever have had to make in the first place. A relationship is not about validating your partner's insecurity by kowtowing to their every jealous mandate.

 

 

Yep. The way it works now. And I wonder why the divorce rate is so high these days. It's because of the double standards that are put on people these days. Nobody wants to work through it and compromise, the just say get over it and move on instead of getting to the root of the problem and actually helping a little.

 

Yeah but the root of the problem is you. I am extremely jealous but I am also extremely sexual and fully understand we all have needs. There are times when I don't feel like having sex but I do still want an orgasm so masturbation is the optimal choice. Porn just so happens to be a masturbatory aid.

 

What you're essentially asking him to do is stop masturbating altogether or do so without the use of porn...in which case he'd have to use mental rather than visual stimulation. Would you really prefer he have to rely on possibly fantasizing about other girls whom he knows in real life ......or watch a clip of some random bimbo?

[thekid36]

I completely 100% disagree that anytime some one feels threatened by something, that their partner should stop. You are not taking into consideration that what if the perceived " threat " is irrational?

 

If everyone stopped anything anytime a spouse was uncomfortable, we would all cease.to be who we are and conform into what everyone else wants us to be, and lose everything that makes us who we are.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with this. It is a completely legitimate relationship related concern that she has. Some women simply do not want men to watch porn. Whether they feel threatened or not. There also may be men who prefer that a woman not do it. It basically all boils down to weighing your priorities.

 

 

It is not like she's asking her man to change his whole personality. Nor, should he should not stop because of having to. He should basically stop because of wanting to. So as to put his other half's mind more at ease. A relationship means working things out together. Part of this means caring about your partner's feelings.

 

 

I also feel that he could have at least been willing to compromise. He instead has decided to be dishonest and deceitful. Which brings up something even much more disturbing. This is why I say that the issues extend beyond just the porn use. He is being completely disrespectful of her feelings. This is perhaps going to cause more problems going forward.

 

 

If who a person really is comes down to the need to watch porn, then that's pretty sad to be honest.

[SummerDreams]

I want to better understand you, so I'm gonna ask a question: Why do you mind that much that he looks at porn? Do you feel you are not good enough for him? Do you think that you are not as beautiful as these porn stars? Do you think that he is not satisfied by your sex life? You have to answer these questions to yourself first so you better understand what the problem here really is.

 

So can he get ready for sex without looking at porn? If not, then he has a huge problem in his hands and he has to solve it.

 

After you've examined these 2 issues, you have to sit him and talk to him honestly about your feelings and concerns. Explain to him what his behavior makes you feel and suggest him a solution to make both happy. Go to him only when you have a solution ready to suggest and not only to whine at him or yell at him. Demand that he understands you and respects your feelings. Then demand that he keeps his promise, whatever it will be. You are a team, not opponents. Work together and solve it.

[Mittens]

I'm in a LDR with my FI, and I'll start my post by saying two things:

 

1. I don't like my man looking at porn when I'm not there.

 

2. I look at porn when my man is not here.

 

So, yes, that makes me a complete hypocrite. Even though I know, from my own actions, that he's (probably) not comparing me to the people he sees, that at the end of the day, it's a personal and private thing he does. If it was affecting our sex life, that would be a different story.

 

I used to be the same as you are, at your age. I thought that just because I did something, it meant I had the right to expect my SO to do the same. But if anyone had called me controlling, I wouldn't have taken it well. It wasn't until I was in my early 40s that I finally realised that the only persons actions I could control were my own.

 

To answer one of your questions: Yes, you do have the right to ask him not to look at porn alone...but he also has the right to say 'no'. As one of my favourite sayings goes: "Asking ain't getting".

[ForeverTainted]

oP, if you haven't left the building i am sorry. There are people who will defend porn and come up with all sorts of crazy excuses for it. Even while studies and groups are trying to set men free from the habit. Porn is bigger than ever and everywhere. There are so many women who lives have been destroyed and yet people get off to these women. For the few that say they enjoy it thousands more were sucked in and are empty inside. So not only do people support this horrible thing they often end up with sexual problems because porn is so far from real sex it sets people up for failure. Men and women. Both those who are addicted and don't want to change will deny this because don't speak against porn.

 

He is addicted. If he wasn't addicted he would stop out of respect to you. So maybe you should see this not as you needing to control him while you desensitize yourself to it but instead help him kick his habit. Don't be hurt because this addiction isn't because of you. It is because porn and the subjecting of women is rampant in our culture. And those who defend it are part of the problem. 95% right so that must make it okay. BS.

 

I don't think you are going about this the right way. But I think like many women who are told they have to accept porn because men *need* it. Is going against your own heart.

 

How did you feel when you watched porn?

 

Lots of good reading on this subject but I don't think i am allowed to put links in.

 

Do some googling. BTW did you know google itself took a stand against the industry and no longer recieves revenue from people visiting porn sites.

[SummerDreams]

@ForeverTainted: The OP has stated that she doesn't mind watching porn with her bf, she is furious though when he promises to quit it and he lies. So your post doesn't apply here. Also I'm not sure if her bf has any addiction with porn, she hasn't been clear about it, and I guess she's left the board so we'll never find out.

 

Though I agree that 95% doing it doesn't make it right.