Jealousy and Porn. I need to know if I'm crazy...

[thekid36]

oP, if you haven't left the building i am sorry. There are people who will defend porn and come up with all sorts of crazy excuses for it. Even while studies and groups are trying to set men free from the habit. Porn is bigger than ever and everywhere. There are so many women who lives have been destroyed and yet people get off to these women. For the few that say they enjoy it thousands more were sucked in and are empty inside. So not only do people support this horrible thing they often end up with sexual problems because porn is so far from real sex it sets people up for failure. Men and women. Both those who are addicted and don't want to change will deny this because don't speak against porn.

 

He is addicted. If he wasn't addicted he would stop out of respect to you. So maybe you should see this not as you needing to control him while you desensitize yourself to it but instead help him kick his habit. Don't be hurt because this addiction isn't because of you. It is because porn and the subjecting of women is rampant in our culture. And those who defend it are part of the problem. 95% right so that must make it okay. BS.

 

I don't think you are going about this the right way. But I think like many women who are told they have to accept porn because men *need* it. Is going against your own heart.

 

How did you feel when you watched porn?

 

Lots of good reading on this subject but I don't think i am allowed to put links in.

 

Do some googling. BTW did you know google itself took a stand against the industry and no longer recieves revenue from people visiting porn sites.

 

There is the chance this man is addicted. Based on all she has said. Not definite by any means at all. Life is filled with loads of stress. Easy to find lots of ways to try coping. Hard to break habits we are used to. Or, perhaps he just enjoys it without necessarily being absolutely addicted.

 

 

Porn has definitely been a catalyst for relationship failure. Though, it also should not get the main part of the blame. Because, we are all responsible for our own actions at the end of each and every day. We totally have the power to control life. So that it does not end up taking control of us.

 

 

Her other half could have stopped watching porn. At least could have made more of an attempt to. So as to make her more comfortable and happy. Which would in turn have strenghtened this relationship. Instead, it is all at a turning point. Not because she is being controlling. Because her man is a selfish and salacious soul. Stopping it would have made her mind permanently feel so much better. Continuing it has only helped his body achieve temporary pleasure.

 

 

There are always going to be things which tempt us. Whether porn actually goes away or not. Many which tend to be totally controversial. There will always be important moments within our interactions. Ones which test who we are as a person. This includes within all of our relationships. We can choose to simply be selfish and salacious. Or, we can make the decision to be sort of sincere and sensitive. The key at the end of the day is taking responsibility for our own actions. Blaming porn does not make much sense.

 

 

 

 

 

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Sad that you are sort of making him out to be the victim here. He is the one who is not being a helpful partner. He's not willing to even try to compromise. That has nothing at all to do with her insecurities. He should in fact even be more aware with his actions because of them.

 

She's not asking him to compromise, she's telling him to stop doing something altogether. How does that makes sense?

 

 

It is sad that we sometimes feel threatened by things which really should bring us closer together. Even more sad that we tend to be such self-centered souls.

 

Which is exactly what SHE is doing.

 

 

The point to try considering here is that she's just not comfortable with something he's doing. Does not matter at all what her reason is. It is the fact that she does not like him watching porn. Something which is having a really negative effect on their relationship.

 

So, basically, "Honey, I'd like you to stop doing that thing I don't like. I can't explain why I don't like it in any logical way but you're going to have to stop doing it nonetheless."

 

oP, if you haven't left the building i am sorry. There are people who will defend porn and come up with all sorts of crazy excuses for it. Even while studies and groups are trying to set men free from the habit. Porn is bigger than ever and everywhere. There are so many women who lives have been destroyed and yet people get off to these women. For the few that say they enjoy it thousands more were sucked in and are empty inside. So not only do people support this horrible thing they often end up with sexual problems because porn is so far from real sex it sets people up for failure. Men and women. Both those who are addicted and don't want to change will deny this because don't speak against porn.

 

He is addicted. If he wasn't addicted he would stop out of respect to you. So maybe you should see this not as you needing to control him while you desensitize yourself to it but instead help him kick his habit.

 

Porn has definitely been a catalyst for relationship failure. Though, it also should not get the main part of the blame. Because, we are all responsible for our own actions at the end of each and every day. We totally have the power to control life. So that it does not end up taking control of us.

 

Her other half could have stopped watching porn. At least could have made more of an attempt to. So as to make her more comfortable and happy. Which would in turn have strenghtened this relationship. Instead, it is all at a turning point. Not because she is being controlling. Because her man is a selfish and salacious soul. Stopping it would have made her mind permanently feel so much better. Continuing it has only helped his body achieve temporary pleasure.

 

 

What in gods name have I just read? I can't tell what's worse here, the female entitlement or the anti-porn Nazism. The parts I bolded from the various posts were really just the bits I found the most appalling. Yes, how dare he have the nerve to experience sexuality outside of her and her magical vagina!

 

This is pure craziness and you can dress it up as trying to curtail his 'addiction' or 'strengthen their relationship' or however you like but at the end of the day, what it all boils down to is the fact that OP is jealous because her boyfriend is occasionally viewing better looking women doing sexual things. I mean let's be real here.

 

How this cannot be seen as controlling and manipulative I have no idea. So, if OPs boyfriend told her he didn't want her masturbating, wearing makeup, using Facebook, texting or reading romance novels she should just STOP because it would make him comfortable and happy? Is that what relationships are now? Do what I say no matter how absurd or I'll whine about it and throw tantrums until you do?

[Scarlet2]

Telling someone who watches porn to stop watching porn is like telling someone not to masturbate anymore because you have sex together. It's part of his sexuality and forcing a meat eater to become vegetarian doesn't work out unless he wants to change on his own, regardless of how much he loves you. He hid it from you because he'd knew how you'd react. If you want your man to not watch porn, you should find one that doesn't watch it.

[thekid36]

She's not asking him to compromise, she's telling him to stop doing something altogether. How does that makes sense?

 

 

 

 

Which is exactly what SHE is doing.

 

 

 

 

So, basically, "Honey, I'd like you to stop doing that thing I don't like. I can't explain why I don't like it in any logical way but you're going to have to stop doing it nonetheless."

 

 

 

 

 

 

What in gods name have I just read? I can't tell what's worse here, the female entitlement or the anti-porn Nazism. The parts I bolded from the various posts were really just the bits I found the most appalling. Yes, how dare he have the nerve to experience sexuality outside of her and her magical vagina!

 

This is pure craziness and you can dress it up as trying to curtail his 'addiction' or 'strengthen their relationship' or however you like but at the end of the day, what it all boils down to is the fact that OP is jealous because her boyfriend is occasionally viewing better looking women doing sexual things. I mean let's be real here.

 

How this cannot be seen as controlling and manipulative I have no idea. So, if OPs boyfriend told her he didn't want her masturbating, wearing makeup, using Facebook, texting or reading romance novels she should just STOP because it would make him comfortable and happy? Is that what relationships are now? Do what I say no matter how absurd or I'll whine about it and throw tantrums until you do?

 

 

She is basically wanting him to stop watching porn while alone because of feeling threatened by it. I think that she was willing to compromise and watch it with him. Does not matter whether you think her reasons are logical or valid. She is fully entitled to her feelings.

 

 

You are taking the rest way out of context. I am not suggesting one should change every single aspect of his/her life when within a relationship. This is why we look for those we can connect with. Not those who are totally different. A partner should enhance our lives and not change it.

 

 

Yet, porn watching is a sensitive issue. Some feel it takes away the exclusive intimacy of an interaction. Since it is placing attention somewhere else. How would not watching porn have that much of an effect on him? Him not watching it would have a huge effect on her. That is what it boils down to. Not the fact that she is being controlling.

 

 

Yes, he can do anything which is wanted. He has every right to keep watching it. She also has the right to leave someone who is so selfish.

[LuckyLady13]

Saphy, I am so sorry that some people lack any compassion when speaking to other people about a problem they are having. A few have shown compassion and this brings me to a subject about your guy. Where is his?

 

You asked if you're crazy. No, you're not crazy.

 

If the guy I'm with found out I was watching porn, I think he'd have a heart attack. Lucky for him, it's not my thing. Actual sex is but watching other people? When I'm hungry, I don't watch other people eat sandwiches!

 

What concerns me is #1 - Your boyfriend said he'd stop and you found out he lied. The lie is a problem but this is two fold-because also, if he had no plans to stop, he's so afraid of possible confrontation and/or compromise that he didn't tell you the truth. He's got some problems...

 

Another concern is if you've made it known to him clearly that this bothers you and he's doing it behind your back. It's porn, not oxygen. He's acting like a drug addict hiding drugs so he's showing classic addiction behavior.

 

You also said (if there weren't enough concerns already) that his sex drive is lower than yours. Is this due to the porn? Or is his porn use showing he's got such low libido and between you and porn both, he still can't get his sex drive to match yours? Not sure which but either way, this is a problem too. And if he's trying to boost his libido by watching porn and it's clearly not working very well, there's a possibility he's got hangups about having sex with an actual woman for some deep rooted reason that may be worthy of time spent on a psychiatrists couch.

 

If you have a naturally higher sex drive than he does, you're going to have compatibility issues for the rest of your relationship. This is something to sit down and seriously think about because your future with this guy is looking grim.

 

I think a lot more than the porn issue came out quickly about your relationship because there's just a lot of things going on. I'm glad you did have the courage to come to LS to try to work things through for yourself and that in and of itself is a BIG step above your boyfriend right now.

 

You said you were willing to give things up in your own life to make him feel at ease and this says a lot about your nature. However, people are right when they say the only person you can control is you. If your boyfriend is selfish and devoid of compassion, you can't squeeze blood from a stone.

 

You're not very compatible with this guy. I'm sure you noticed a few people respond very angrily to your posts with the very hypocritical idea that you should just deal with whatever your boyfriend wants - just live with it. But if you want something? Tough.

 

There have also been people who are trying very hard to make it out as if your boyfriend isn't beating you half to death so shut up and be happy and that's so wrong I can't even find words to describe how wrong it is.

 

My boyfriend isn't remotely insecure and that's because I make sure he isn't. When we go places together, he feels relaxed and calm. When he's not around me, he's still relaxed and calm! That's how it should be. If I started resembling your boyfriends behavior (lying, sneaking around behind my partners back and watching porn when he isn't around), we would not have the relationship we have right now at all and I would be the one responsible for our problem. People can say all day, every day that people shouldn't be insecure but the truth is many people are and I would not add fuel to a fire (lying, sneaking around) and then turn around and point the finger at the person I was doing these things to and say it's all their problem and their fault.

 

In order to have a functional, healthy relationship, both people have to actually care about each other and be willing to compromise and show compassion for each other. I honestly think you'd be better off with someone better than the guy you're with right now because of 2 major things: Your sex drive is not compatible and he's not on the same level as you are when it comes to willingness to give up things for your partner. I think he's too immature for you.

 

I would like to explain further why I said some of the things I just said. The relationship I was in before the current one, that guy never watched porn. Wasn't his thing, just like it isn't mine and both of us had a high sex drive. The sex we had was every day and completely explosive!! (That relationship ended sadly because of unrelated reasons.) That relationship raised the bar for me so incredibly high that I was spoiled rotten after that and would accept nothing less. There was so much spark, so much passion, so much chemistry going on and porn would have only got in the way and taken up time we could've been together instead. (I wish sex that great was enough to keep that relationship together and...it nearly was, actually! I stayed way too long!) There are people who have great sex lives without porn. As a matter of fact, I think there are many people out there having fantastic sex lives because it's a non-issue and takes up none of their time.

 

If I was an avid porn watcher and my boyfriend told me it makes him feel insecure? It's in the trash! Gone. Goodbye. He's a lot more important to me than getting off alone (and how lonely is that?!? ).

 

I wouldn't feel like he's controlling or trying to ruin my poor sexuality and the unbelievable things I've read in this thread and other similar threads. I'm willing to compromise in a relationship because that's one of the fundamental ways they function properly!

 

I would never feel I need to "explore" my sexuality without him because guess what? We're a team, in this life and relationship together. If he wants me to explore my sexuality with him, I'm all for that!! And eager! Why wouldn't I be? And if the only time I get to really be a sexual being is when I'm with him because that would make him happy, I'm so fine with that. Because unleashing all that sexual energy on him is just too fun and brings us closer together so intimately.

 

Saphy, I honestly think this guy is too immature for you and you're not compatible for a few key reasons.

 

First things first and most importantly, he lied to you and went behind your back. You have a right to ask him to not watch porn alone, he has a right to say no and unless you had a gun to his head, a knife in your hand or you somehow FORCED him to lie, this is on him completely 100%. (A few people act as if you actually control him which you obviously don't, shown clearly by him going behind your back.) He has to stop lying to you or you have no reason at all to trust him. If he lied about this, what else is he lying about? What else is going on behind your back? Are you really alright with being with an untrustworthy guy like this?

 

Food, water and oxygen are necessary to survive and thrive. Porn is not one of these things. There are a few people, really just a handful, who act as if porn is necessary for survival. I'd question their motivation for the things they are saying. If someone is addicted to bacon cheeseburgers mentally and emotionally but it's something that downright nauseates you, you have a right to ask them not to eat those anymore and they have a right to say no. But most importantly, you have a right to leave.

 

You said this is the first guy you've had a sexual relationship with, right? What a bad start. If I were you, I'd seriously drop this guy and find somebody much better. You've got the bar set so low right now it's nearly on the floor here. You're young, you're a passionate person with a high sex drive with a sense of loyalty and apparently you're willing to compromise to make your partner happier and these are some really great traits to have!! You'd be so much happier with someone who shares your values, dear. Really!

 

Don't let this guy give you the idea this is how men are and please don't let a few people on a message board get into your head in a way that's damaging to you. Don't accept so much less than you're willing to give. Don't shortchange yourself.

[thekid36]

Saphy, I am so sorry that some people lack any compassion when speaking to other people about a problem they are having. A few have shown compassion and this brings me to a subject about your guy. Where is his?

 

You asked if you're crazy. No, you're not crazy.

 

If the guy I'm with found out I was watching porn, I think he'd have a heart attack. Lucky for him, it's not my thing. Actual sex is but watching other people? When I'm hungry, I don't watch other people eat sandwiches!

 

What concerns me is #1 - Your boyfriend said he'd stop and you found out he lied. The lie is a problem but this is two fold-because also, if he had no plans to stop, he's so afraid of possible confrontation and/or compromise that he didn't tell you the truth. He's got some problems...

 

Another concern is if you've made it known to him clearly that this bothers you and he's doing it behind your back. It's porn, not oxygen. He's acting like a drug addict hiding drugs so he's showing classic addiction behavior.

 

You also said (if there weren't enough concerns already) that his sex drive is lower than yours. Is this due to the porn? Or is his porn use showing he's got such low libido and between you and porn both, he still can't get his sex drive to match yours? Not sure which but either way, this is a problem too. And if he's trying to boost his libido by watching porn and it's clearly not working very well, there's a possibility he's got hangups about having sex with an actual woman for some deep rooted reason that may be worthy of time spent on a psychiatrists couch.

 

If you have a naturally higher sex drive than he does, you're going to have compatibility issues for the rest of your relationship. This is something to sit down and seriously think about because your future with this guy is looking grim.

 

I think a lot more than the porn issue came out quickly about your relationship because there's just a lot of things going on. I'm glad you did have the courage to come to LS to try to work things through for yourself and that in and of itself is a BIG step above your boyfriend right now.

 

You said you were willing to give things up in your own life to make him feel at ease and this says a lot about your nature. However, people are right when they say the only person you can control is you. If your boyfriend is selfish and devoid of compassion, you can't squeeze blood from a stone.

 

You're not very compatible with this guy. I'm sure you noticed a few people respond very angrily to your posts with the very hypocritical idea that you should just deal with whatever your boyfriend wants - just live with it. But if you want something? Tough.

 

There have also been people who are trying very hard to make it out as if your boyfriend isn't beating you half to death so shut up and be happy and that's so wrong I can't even find words to describe how wrong it is.

 

My boyfriend isn't remotely insecure and that's because I make sure he isn't. When we go places together, he feels relaxed and calm. When he's not around me, he's still relaxed and calm! That's how it should be. If I started resembling your boyfriends behavior (lying, sneaking around behind my partners back and watching porn when he isn't around), we would not have the relationship we have right now at all and I would be the one responsible for our problem. People can say all day, every day that people shouldn't be insecure but the truth is many people are and I would not add fuel to a fire (lying, sneaking around) and then turn around and point the finger at the person I was doing these things to and say it's all their problem and their fault.

 

In order to have a functional, healthy relationship, both people have to actually care about each other and be willing to compromise and show compassion for each other. I honestly think you'd be better off with someone better than the guy you're with right now because of 2 major things: Your sex drive is not compatible and he's not on the same level as you are when it comes to willingness to give up things for your partner. I think he's too immature for you.

 

I would like to explain further why I said some of the things I just said. The relationship I was in before the current one, that guy never watched porn. Wasn't his thing, just like it isn't mine and both of us had a high sex drive. The sex we had was every day and completely explosive!! (That relationship ended sadly because of unrelated reasons.) That relationship raised the bar for me so incredibly high that I was spoiled rotten after that and would accept nothing less. There was so much spark, so much passion, so much chemistry going on and porn would have only got in the way and taken up time we could've been together instead. (I wish sex that great was enough to keep that relationship together and...it nearly was, actually! I stayed way too long!) There are people who have great sex lives without porn. As a matter of fact, I think there are many people out there having fantastic sex lives because it's a non-issue and takes up none of their time.

 

If I was an avid porn watcher and my boyfriend told me it makes him feel insecure? It's in the trash! Gone. Goodbye. He's a lot more important to me than getting off alone (and how lonely is that?!? ).

 

I wouldn't feel like he's controlling or trying to ruin my poor sexuality and the unbelievable things I've read in this thread and other similar threads. I'm willing to compromise in a relationship because that's one of the fundamental ways they function properly!

 

I would never feel I need to "explore" my sexuality without him because guess what? We're a team, in this life and relationship together. If he wants me to explore my sexuality with him, I'm all for that!! And eager! Why wouldn't I be? And if the only time I get to really be a sexual being is when I'm with him because that would make him happy, I'm so fine with that. Because unleashing all that sexual energy on him is just too fun and brings us closer together so intimately.

 

Saphy, I honestly think this guy is too immature for you and you're not compatible for a few key reasons.

 

First things first and most importantly, he lied to you and went behind your back. You have a right to ask him to not watch porn alone, he has a right to say no and unless you had a gun to his head, a knife in your hand or you somehow FORCED him to lie, this is on him completely 100%. (A few people act as if you actually control him which you obviously don't, shown clearly by him going behind your back.) He has to stop lying to you or you have no reason at all to trust him. If he lied about this, what else is he lying about? What else is going on behind your back? Are you really alright with being with an untrustworthy guy like this?

 

Food, water and oxygen are necessary to survive and thrive. Porn is not one of these things. There are a few people, really just a handful, who act as if porn is necessary for survival. I'd question their motivation for the things they are saying. If someone is addicted to bacon cheeseburgers mentally and emotionally but it's something that downright nauseates you, you have a right to ask them not to eat those anymore and they have a right to say no. But most importantly, you have a right to leave.

 

You said this is the first guy you've had a sexual relationship with, right? What a bad start. If I were you, I'd seriously drop this guy and find somebody much better. You've got the bar set so low right now it's nearly on the floor here. You're young, you're a passionate person with a high sex drive with a sense of loyalty and apparently you're willing to compromise to make your partner happier and these are some really great traits to have!! You'd be so much happier with someone who shares your values, dear. Really!

 

Don't let this guy give you the idea this is how men are and please don't let a few people on a message board get into your head in a way that's damaging to you. Don't accept so much less than you're willing to give. Don't shortchange yourself.

 

Nice to see that I am not completely crazy! I do understand that we are all entitled to an opinion. I also get that this is a public froum and that by putting yourself out there you may get many. Just sad that so many seem to be missing the point. Almost as if to make him out to be the victim here.

 

 

She is actually not crazy at all. Being dismissed as not being important enough does not necessarily suggest that. Nor, really does being repeatedly lied to. What that suggests to me is someone who wants more than that. Which is definitely damn cool to me.

 

 

The one who has a problem here is her other half. Who will hopefully not be hers for much longer. He cannot even try to comprehend how much his actions have affected his girlfriend. No excuse for this action at all. No matter whether he is actually addicted or not. He could have put some effort into this if he really cared about her. End of story to be totally honest.

 

 

It is truly disgusting that there are really those suggest she deal with this because of the issue not being a big deal. As if we should just settle for someone who does not abuse us and learn to deal with all the rest. As if wanting a partner to compromise or let go of something which really hurts us is nothing other than controlling. Sad that so many refuse to try finding some extraordinary. So sad that we have become this selfish and self-centered. Not enough compassionate and passionate souls left within this world.

 

 

This man is someone who cannot be trusted. It extends to beyond just the porn. He is someone who is not willing to even try compromising. Someone who chooses to live within a private and secret world separate from the actual one in front of him. Someone who is not compatible sexually with her partner. This suggests someone not ready for a relationship. At least not a happy and healthy one. I completely agree that she should seriously consider leaving him.

 

 

　

 

 

 

　

[Lecturer]

Posting further here serves no purpose; the OP came here wanting everyone to agree with her and validate her need for excessive control. Like others that do this, when she found opposition she got angry and left.

 

I know the type well because it is pretty much identical to my wife. Heavily insecure, which leads to needs to control things and people around them, which only leads to their comfort zone adjusting such that the new level of control becomes the new baseline. When that control fails they will get frustrated and lash out, touching on shaming and other manipulation strategies to get their way (OP even did this here in this thread). And when that proved unsuccessful she threw her hands up and left... unfortunately for her she can't control people in this thread the way she is used to controlling her partner. Why? Because her partner loves her and takes this manipulation and tries to actually please her even when he won't be able to - just the way I tried with my wife at that time in our relationship. The real shame is that her partner isn't here, as I'd love to give him some advise... like talking to the 10 year younger version of myself.

[Keenly]

She is basically wanting him to stop watching porn while alone because of feeling threatened by it. I think that she was willing to compromise and watch it with him. Does not matter whether you think her reasons are logical or valid. She is fully entitled to her feelings.

 

 

You are taking the rest way out of context. I am not suggesting one should change every single aspect of his/her life when within a relationship. This is why we look for those we can connect with. Not those who are totally different. A partner should enhance our lives and not change it.

 

 

Yet, porn watching is a sensitive issue. Some feel it takes away the exclusive intimacy of an interaction. Since it is placing attention somewhere else. How would not watching porn have that much of an effect on him? Him not watching it would have a huge effect on her. That is what it boils down to. Not the fact that she is being controlling.

 

 

Yes, he can do anything which is wanted. He has every right to keep watching it. She also has the right to leave someone who is so selfish.

 

 

He isn't the one being selfish. This is where the delusions begin. It is not selfish to be yourself. Its selfish to demand some one stop doing something they like because you can't handle it, and the only reason they give as to why is because I said so.

[Keenly]

Nice to see that I am not completely crazy! I do understand that we are all entitled to an opinion. I also get that this is a public froum and that by putting yourself out there you may get many. Just sad that so many seem to be missing the point. Almost as if to make him out to be the victim here.

 

 

She is actually not crazy at all. Being dismissed as not being important enough does not necessarily suggest that. Nor, really does being repeatedly lied to. What that suggests to me is someone who wants more than that. Which is definitely damn cool to me.

 

 

The one who has a problem here is her other half. Who will hopefully not be hers for much longer. He cannot even try to comprehend how much his actions have affected his girlfriend. No excuse for this action at all. No matter whether he is actually addicted or not. He could have put some effort into this if he really cared about her. End of story to be totally honest.

 

 

It is truly disgusting that there are really those suggest she deal with this because of the issue not being a big deal. As if we should just settle for someone who does not abuse us and learn to deal with all the rest. As if wanting a partner to compromise or let go of something which really hurts us is nothing other than controlling. Sad that so many refuse to try finding some extraordinary. So sad that we have become this selfish and self-centered. Not enough compassionate and passionate souls left within this world.

 

 

This man is someone who cannot be trusted. It extends to beyond just the porn. He is someone who is not willing to even try compromising. Someone who chooses to live within a private and secret world separate from the actual one in front of him. Someone who is not compatible sexually with her partner. This suggests someone not ready for a relationship. At least not a happy and healthy one. I completely agree that she should seriously consider leaving him.

 

 

　

 

 

 

　

[/QUOTe]

 

 

What is this I don't even

[thekid36]

Posting further here serves no purpose; the OP came here wanting everyone to agree with her and validate her need for excessive control. Like others that do this, when she found opposition she got angry and left.

 

I know the type well because it is pretty much identical to my wife. Heavily insecure, which leads to needs to control things and people around them, which only leads to their comfort zone adjusting such that the new level of control becomes the new baseline. When that control fails they will get frustrated and lash out, touching on shaming and other manipulation strategies to get their way (OP even did this here in this thread). And when that proved unsuccessful she threw her hands up and left... unfortunately for her she can't control people in this thread the way she is used to controlling her partner. Why? Because her partner loves her and takes this manipulation and tries to actually please her even when he won't be able to - just the way I tried with my wife at that time in our relationship. The real shame is that her partner isn't here, as I'd love to give him some advise... like talking to the 10 year younger version of myself.

 

 

Perhaps posting here serves purpose no longer. Maybe this is also the reason why things never seem to really move forward. People tend to give up too easily when not within complete agreement. I think that there can still be some constructive conversation here. No matter which side one chooses to go with.

 

 

I really do not get the sense that she came here looking for validation. Not within relation to whether or not she is controlling at least. Nothing she has said even suggests this. She basically wanted to know if she should get away from her other half. Based on all of his recent actions. She is conflicted as to her specific feelings. Cares about him but is not sure the relationship can continue to progress. Based on his dishonesty, secrecy, and selfishness. This has her wondering if this is someone she can trust going forward.

 

 

This is what is sort of sad. She is being attacked about something which has nothing to do at all with her reason for coming. Yes, I know this is a public website and that all is up for individual interpratation. We all have a right to our own opinion and cannot make everyone agree with us. It just may prove to make others weary of coming here for advice. It is not always easy to open up in the first place. Sometimes, it is not what we say but how it's said.

 

 

Calling someone a 'type' is rather condescending to be honest. All of us deserve to be treated with specific respect. Every situation is definitely different. How do you know that she is like your wife? Where in all she said do you get that the other half actually loves her? Why do you think he cares about pleasing her when there is really no desire to accept his girlfriend's feelings or even compromise? I cannot help but be curious.

[thekid36]

He isn't the one being selfish. This is where the delusions begin. It is not selfish to be yourself. Its selfish to demand some one stop doing something they like because you can't handle it, and the only reason they give as to why is because I said so.

 

 

He is being incredibly selfish. Not as a result of wanting porn. Nor, of the obvious need to do so. His obsessive need to hold onto something not really important is a completely different conversation. As a result of the lying, secrecy, and self-centeredness.

 

 

There is way too much focus on the wrong things here. The reason she wants him to stop should not have to be up for judgment. He should have stopped or at least been more willing to compromise because of wanting to. Not because of him having to. There truly is a difference.

[Lecturer]

Perhaps posting here serves purpose no longer. Maybe this is also the reason why things never seem to really move forward. People tend to give up too easily when not within complete agreement. I think that there can still be some constructive conversation here. No matter which side one chooses to go with.

 

True - I should have said it serves no purpose of helping the OP, who is not likely to return.

 

I really do not get the sense that she came here looking for validation. Not within relation to whether or not she is controlling at least. Nothing she has said even suggests this. She basically wanted to know if she should get away from her other half. Based on all of his recent actions. She is conflicted as to her specific feelings. Cares about him but is not sure the relationship can continue to progress. Based on his dishonesty, secrecy, and selfishness. This has her wondering if this is someone she can trust going forward.

 

It is clear she was seeking validation based on her response & action when she got the opposite of what she wanted. It was basically a case of "well, if you're not doing what I want then I'm taking my bat & ball and going home".

 

This is what is sort of sad. She is being attacked about something which has nothing to do at all with her reason for coming. Yes, I know this is a public website and that all is up for individual interpratation. We all have a right to our own opinion and cannot make everyone agree with us. It just may prove to make others weary of coming here for advice. It is not always easy to open up in the first place. Sometimes, it is not what we say but how it's said.

 

She's having the root problem pointed out. In doing so it was also mentioned (by me and others) that she can certainly end the relationship based on the dishonesty - but heed the warning that it will almost certainly happen again in future relationships.

 

Calling someone a 'type' is rather condescending to be honest. All of us deserve to be treated with specific respect. Every situation is definitely different. How do you know that she is like your wife? Where in all she said do you get that the other half actually loves her? Why do you think he cares about pleasing her when there is really no desire to accept his girlfriend's feelings or even compromise? I cannot help but be curious.

 

Without going into a lot of details of myself (this isn't about me after all), I will say that my relationship has MANY parallels to the one described by the OP. We, too, started out in highschool and have no virtually no experience besides each other.

 

Like OP, my wife had (and has) severe control issues as a result of various insecurities, and also like OP she basically MADE me promise things that I really shouldn't have promised. But (like OPs BF) I promised to abide by her rules because I loved her and truly didn't want to hurt her. But certain promises should not be made in the first place because they're just not realistic, and in the long-term we can't abide by rules unless we actually BELIEVE in the rules. A rule that you shouldn't have sex with another person is reasonable both in giving and in executing, but a rule that you shouldn't even speak with someone of the opposite sex is unrealistic. A person that loves another - but more important, a person that is young & inexperienced in relationships - will foolishly make the promise that their beloved partner wants to hear... but following through with some promises are (pragmatically) just not going to happen in the long term.

 

Now that I'm older and I've got many years of relationship experience under my belt (not to mention researched and listened to the advise of countless people older and wiser than myself) I have learned to NEVER make a partner give a promise that they will be unable to keep. Further, I've learned that the more people try to control their partners, the more hollow, fake, and fragile the relationship becomes. You become a false version of yourself, engineered to be what your partner wants, while the repressed part of you constantly fights to re-emerge.

 

Simply put, I want people to be happy and have healthy relationship, and I don't want people to make the same mistakes that I did.

[thekid36]

True - I should have said it serves no purpose of helping the OP, who is not likely to return.

 

 

 

It is clear she was seeking validation based on her response & action when she got the opposite of what she wanted. It was basically a case of "well, if you're not doing what I want then I'm taking my bat & ball and going home".

 

 

 

She's having the root problem pointed out. In doing so it was also mentioned (by me and others) that she can certainly end the relationship based on the dishonesty - but heed the warning that it will almost certainly happen again in future relationships.

 

 

 

Without going into a lot of details of myself (this isn't about me after all), I will say that my relationship has MANY parallels to the one described by the OP. We, too, started out in highschool and have no virtually no experience besides each other.

 

Like OP, my wife had (and has) severe control issues as a result of various insecurities, and also like OP she basically MADE me promise things that I really shouldn't have promised. But (like OPs BF) I promised to abide by her rules because I loved her and truly didn't want to hurt her. But certain promises should not be made in the first place because they're just not realistic, and in the long-term we can't abide by rules unless we actually BELIEVE in the rules. A rule that you shouldn't have sex with another person is reasonable both in giving and in executing, but a rule that you shouldn't even speak with someone of the opposite sex is unrealistic. A person that loves another - but more important, a person that is young & inexperienced in relationships - will foolishly make the promise that their beloved partner wants to hear... but following through with some promises are (pragmatically) just not going to happen in the long term.

 

Now that I'm older and I've got many years of relationship experience under my belt (not to mention researched and listened to the advise of countless people older and wiser than myself) I have learned to NEVER make a partner give a promise that they will be unable to keep. Further, I've learned that the more people try to control their partners, the more hollow, fake, and fragile the relationship becomes. You become a false version of yourself, engineered to be what your partner wants, while the repressed part of you constantly fights to re-emerge.

 

Simply put, I want people to be happy and have healthy relationship, and I don't want people to make the same mistakes that I did.

 

 

Not sure if she will return or not to be honest. She came looking for specific advice. What she was up against was many who decided to turn the issue around on her. Not really in the most respectful way either. I do agree that she may have left as a result of feeling attacked. Perhaps, she will still pop back in. I still believe that she was looking for advice as to whether she should stay with her other half. Not at all to get judged as being controlling. Sometimes, it is perhaps best to keep our opinions to ourselves. Not again that we should have to. We should just want to do so. If it does not help the specific situation I mean.

 

 

I am not frustrated by the difference in opinions she might receive. The advice many gave her just does not even relate to the specific topic. That is the issue that I have here. We can all put on a robe and play judge. All is open to individual interpratation. Sure, some may look at this as if she was controlling. This has already been more than proven. What does this have to do with her original purpose for posting? The question is if illicit insults and acute attacks really help at the end of the day. Ones with have nothing to do with whether she should stay with this man or not.

 

 

What absolutely astounds me is that so many are focusing the blame here on her. When this other person is: avoiding, lying, and manipulating. Whether he trying to do so or not. This has basically been the end result. Does not matter what individual intent is. What matters more is how something is interpreted. This is true no matter what age you may be. He is the one being controlling because of dictating how all of this has gone. Even despite the fact that he knows she does not like him watching porn. This suggests the possibility that he is not rather sensitive at this point to his partner's emotions and feelings. A problem which extends beyond the porn.

 

 

Not sure how this specific situation means that this 'problem' of hers will manifest itself in the future either. There is no evidence of wanting someone to completely change everything in the world for her. She is specifically bothered by something within this actual situation. Perhaps the reason why she is a little insecure is based on others dismissing her feelings. Should she choose to get involved with someone else, may he actually consider what is being said and listen instead of merely hear. Relationships become "hollow, fake, and fragile" as a result of the inability to effectively communicate and compromise. Not as a result of extreme expectations.

[BetrayedH]

OP, let me say up front that my intent here is solely to provide you with a man's perspective (mine) in hopes that you'll better understand him when he appears unable to voice that perspective himself.

 

My first thought is that your perspective is that giving up porn when alone is a relatively simple request but for me, it wouldn't remotely be simple. For me, porn is a masturbatory aid and nothing more. I suppose I am like most other men in that I am very much into visuals when it comes to sex. I think I've been that way since I first found my Dad's Playboys as a teenager. I don't think I can remember the last time I masturbated without a visual. In case you're wondering, I have a healthy sex life; it's rare for my GF and I to go two days without sex (we're pretty compatible at both liking it daily). But sometimes I just want a quick release. Maybe it's just before I have to leave for work, maybe my GF isn't around, maybe I just don't want to wake her up. But when I take care of myself, I use a visual. It would take longer and not be as satisfying without one. I'm not sure I would even like it. I don't want to use my imagination to generate some elaborate mental scene. I honestly have no idea what women think about anyway. It seems like a lot of work to me when I'm not after something elaborate, just a quick release. I think this is a classic example of just a fundamental difference between men and women (generally). As Hydra pointed out earlier, you might as well ask me to give up masturbation. It wouldn't be a "simple" request for me at all. I would rather alphabetize the kids' video collection daily.

 

Perhaps you can empathize by thinking of something that routinely helps you get off quickly. Maybe it's Brad Pitt. Maybe you've fantasized to thoughts of him since you were a teenager and that godly piece of man-flesh just does it for you every time and it's been your quick "go-to" thought for years. If that were your masturbatory aid, would you expect that it would be simple to never do it again if your BF made you promise to only do it when he was with you and got to be your Brad Pitt? Do you think you might secretly think about Brad Pitt every once in a while when masturbating alone?

 

I can see why people would be tempted to lie. Hell, people already tend to keep their fantasy/masturbation life private as it is. In my younger years I probably would have just hidden it, too, not wanting to hurt my GF but also not wanting to give up the one way that masturbation works for me (especially as it really does her no harm). Now that I'm older, I simply wouldn't have promised such a thing. I've learned not to be conflict-avoidant but that only comes with age and wisdom. Most people are conflict-avoidant (particularly with white lies) and it's well-intentioned (even if flawed). These days I would not have just tried to placate you; I would have a continued difficult discussion until we found a resolution.

 

I also agree with Keenly that (for me) the women in the videos are pretty irrelevant. I may not watch granny porn but I'm also not at all thinking that 'I wish I had a GF that hot' or anything similar. It's not a competition. I don't want 'them." If anything, I suppose I'm imagining that it's my penis between those two women's boobs. There's no threat to my GF there any more than Brad Pitt might be to me. I don't want to be with anyone but her. I just want to get off (preferably with something to look at) and get about my day.

 

I do like that you're willing to compromise. I think the problem is that the compromise is on your terms and while it seems reasonable to you, it's clearly not working for him. Since you ultimately would like to "get over it" and seem to recognize that, to some extent, this is irrational insecurity on your part then perhaps we change up the compomise. I think your biggest issue is his lying. Dumb move on his part (as it sacrifices trust) but it probably wasn't ill-intentioned. He's just between a rock and a hard place. How about if you agree to let him use porn when you're not available but he agrees not to use it when you are available and further, agrees to never lie to you again about anything?

 

I realize that this leaves you having to 'get over it' sometimes but it gets you the larger goal of honesty and he does agree that he has to initiate with you before opting for porn. In the best negotiations, neither side gets everything they want.

 

What say you?

[thekid36]

OP, let me say up front that my intent here is solely to provide you with a man's perspective (mine) in hopes that you'll better understand him when he appears unable to voice that perspective himself.

 

My first thought is that your perspective is that giving up porn when alone is a relatively simple request but for me, it wouldn't remotely be simple. For me, porn is a masturbatory aid and nothing more. I suppose I am like most other men in that I am very much into visuals when it comes to sex. I think I've been that way since I first found my Dad's Playboys as a teenager. I don't think I can remember the last time I masturbated without a visual. In case you're wondering, I have a healthy sex life; it's rare for my GF and I to go two days without sex (we're pretty compatible at both liking it daily). But sometimes I just want a quick release. Maybe it's just before I have to leave for work, maybe my GF isn't around, maybe I just don't want to wake her up. But when I take care of myself, I use a visual. It would take longer and not be as satisfying without one. I'm not sure I would even like it. I don't want to use my imagination to generate some elaborate mental scene. I honestly have no idea what women think about anyway. It seems like a lot of work to me when I'm not after something elaborate, just a quick release. I think this is a classic example of just a fundamental difference between men and women (generally). As Hydra pointed out earlier, you might as well ask me to give up masturbation. It wouldn't be a "simple" request for me at all. I would rather alphabetize the kids' video collection daily.

 

Perhaps you can empathize by thinking of something that routinely helps you get off quickly. Maybe it's Brad Pitt. Maybe you've fantasized to thoughts of him since you were a teenager and that godly piece of man-flesh just does it for you every time and it's been your quick "go-to" thought for years. If that were your masturbatory aid, would you expect that it would be simple to never do it again if your BF made you promise to only do it when he was with you and got to be your Brad Pitt? Do you think you might secretly think about Brad Pitt every once in a while when masturbating alone?

 

I can see why people would be tempted to lie. Hell, people already tend to keep their fantasy/masturbation life private as it is. In my younger years I probably would have just hidden it, too, not wanting to hurt my GF but also not wanting to give up the one way that masturbation works for me (especially as it really does her no harm). Now that I'm older, I simply wouldn't have promised such a thing. I've learned not to be conflict-avoidant but that only comes with age and wisdom. Most people are conflict-avoidant (particularly with white lies) and it's well-intentioned (even if flawed). These days I would not have just tried to placate you; I would have a continued difficult discussion until we found a resolution.

 

I also agree with Keenly that (for me) the women in the videos are pretty irrelevant. I may not watch granny porn but I'm also not at all thinking that 'I wish I had a GF that hot' or anything similar. It's not a competition. I don't want 'them." If anything, I suppose I'm imagining that it's my penis between those two women's boobs. There's no threat to my GF there any more than Brad Pitt might be to me. I don't want to be with anyone but her. I just want to get off (preferably with something to look at) and get about my day.

 

I do like that you're willing to compromise. I think the problem is that the compromise is on your terms and while it seems reasonable to you, it's clearly not working for him. Since you ultimately would like to "get over it" and seem to recognize that, to some extent, this is irrational insecurity on your part then perhaps we change up the compomise. I think your biggest issue is his lying. Dumb move on his part (as it sacrifices trust) but it probably wasn't ill-intentioned. He's just between a rock and a hard place. How about if you agree to let him use porn when you're not available but he agrees not to use it when you are available and further, agrees to never lie to you again about anything?

 

I realize that this leaves you having to 'get over it' sometimes but it gets you the larger goal of honesty and he does agree that he has to initiate with you before opting for porn. In the best negotiations, neither side gets everything they want.

 

What say you?

 

So, what you are basically saying is that masturbation is a huge part of your daily life. Also, suggesting that you would choose to hang on watching porn even if it upset your other half. Accepting the fact that you have to watch it no matter what because sex is all about visuals. Thus, meaning that a partner needs to accept this no matter what. You are trying to justify something so as to make it sound more acceptable. Without taking into account the other person. Lying and secrecy should not be considered as being okay.

 

 

Your analogy about Brad Pitt makes no sense at all. The issue at hand is not masturbation or the right to do it. Nor, is the main issue here all about porn. The key here is learning how to be a better partner. Having some sympathy about legitimate things which bother who you are with. It is more about communicaton and compromise and the fact so many refuse to do either of these things. Oh, and just for the record and all. I bet that she would stop thinking sexually about Brad Pitt if it was something which truly upset him. Because of how she views an actual relationship. She has shown the desire to be a better partner. All he has demonstrated is the ability to be an insincere ass. Incapable of deserving such a wonderful woman who is willing to make a relationship the best possible.

 

 

Because, not being truthful is not a terrific quality. No matter how many of you try to justify it. So again we are back to something which extends beyond what so many justify as his right to watch porn. If he did not agree with her and was unwilling to stop, why not just be a man and be up front about it? Instead of leading an innocent woman on like this? The likely answer is that he was not thinking about her feelings at all. He prefers the porn over her. Based on all of his actions. She is not important enough to even make him stop and merely think. When it comes to push and shove, that is really where we are left at.

 

 

All of what is said here revolves around what you want. This is great that you are so aware of your own self. The thing is that when you are in a relationship, it stops being all about you. There is another person there to think about. Sometimes, this does involve some sacrifice. So as to strenghen the relationship and make things run more smoothly. Him giving up porn would be a way of saying that he has her back. Even when it goes against what he may selfishly want.

 

 

There could be room for compromise. Though, what makes you think that he would be all of a sudden start being honest when there has been no proof of this so far? What makes you so willing to give this man the benefit of any doubt? Don't you think that she has a right to be worried he may lie once again? That she may have to leave him as a result of the repeated dishonesty? This is where her reason for coming here lies. Based on what she actually has said.

 

 

Sad that so many of you look at the loss of porn as a threat. It really should have nothing to do with what kind of a person we are. Nor, with the kinds of lives we were meant to lead. Relationships should be about a reality check. One which leaves our selfishness at the door. Those not willing to compromise and communicate openly and honestly should perhaps not even be within them. It is not as if she was asking him to change every single thing about himself. Thus, there is no justification to suggest that she is a control freak.

 

 

　

 

 

 

　

[BetrayedH]

So, what you are basically saying is that masturbation is a huge part of your daily life. Also, suggesting that you would choose to hang on watching porn even if it upset your other half. Accepting the fact that you have to watch it no matter what because sex is all about visuals. Thus, meaning that a partner needs to accept this no matter what. You are trying to justify something so as to make it sound more acceptable. Without taking into account the other person. Lying and secrecy should not be considered as being okay.

 

Your analogy about Brad Pitt makes no sense at all. The issue at hand is not masturbation or the right to do it. Nor, is the main issue here all about porn. The key here is learning how to be a better partner. Having some sympathy about legitimate things which bother who you are with. It is more about communicaton and compromise and the fact so many refuse to do either of these things. Oh, and just for the record and all. I bet that she would stop thinking sexually about Brad Pitt if it was something which truly upset him. Because of how she views an actual relationship. She has shown the desire to be a better partner. All he has demonstrated is the ability to be an insincere ass. Incapable of deserving such a wonderful woman who is willing to make a relationship the best possible.

 

Because, not being truthful is not a terrific quality. No matter how many of you try to justify it. So again we are back to something which extends beyond what so many justify as his right to watch porn. If he did not agree with her and was unwilling to stop, why not just be a man and be up front about it? Instead of leading an innocent woman on like this? The likely answer is that he was not thinking about her feelings at all. He prefers the porn over her. Based on all of his actions. She is not important enough to even make him stop and merely think. When it comes to push and shove, that is really where we are left at.

 

All of what is said here revolves around what you want. This is great that you are so aware of your own self. The thing is that when you are in a relationship, it stops being all about you. There is another person there to think about. Sometimes, this does involve some sacrifice. So as to strenghen the relationship and make things run more smoothly. Him giving up porn would be a way of saying that he has her back. Even when it goes against what he may selfishly want.

 

There could be room for compromise. Though, what makes you think that he would be all of a sudden start being honest when there has been no proof of this so far? What makes you so willing to give this man the benefit of any doubt? Don't you think that she has a right to be worried he may lie once again? That she may have to leave him as a result of the repeated dishonesty? This is where her reason for coming here lies. Based on what she actually has said.

 

Sad that so many of you look at the loss of porn as a threat. It really should have nothing to do with what kind of a person we are. Nor, with the kinds of lives we were meant to lead. Relationships should be about a reality check. One which leaves our selfishness at the door. Those not willing to compromise and communicate openly and honestly should perhaps not even be within them. It is not as if she was asking him to change every single thing about himself. Thus, there is no justification to suggest that she is a control freak.

 

You managed to put quite a few words into my mouth here. I'll just have to trust that you don't know me; I think if you knew my posting history, you may have reacted differently. Unfortunately, I have to go to work so I just haven't got the time to spar with you. Hopefully the OP has a chance to read it and finds something useful.

[Keenly]

Why do people always insist that they must live life the way that they do?

 

People are entitled to live life however they want. They need not conform to demands or go with the Heard.

 

 

So what if the dude watches porn and wants to masturbate? Who are any of you to tell him he can't do that? That's the epitome of controlling, but some can't see the forest for the trees.

[thekid36]

Why do people always insist that they must live life the way that they do?

 

People are entitled to live life however they want. They need not conform to demands or go with the Heard.

 

 

So what if the dude watches porn and wants to masturbate? Who are any of you to tell him he can't do that? That's the epitome of controlling, but some can't see the forest for the trees.

 

This is the thing though. It's not a matter of me or anyone else trying to get people to live their lives a certain way. I have no problem with porn and have watched it many times. What it relates with is trying to get others to see how the way they choose to react affects others around them. That is the first issue.

 

 

The second one is that there are simply certain ways we should try treating those around us. One of those traits revolves around respect. It is totally cool if the dude still wants to watch porn. What does not fly with me is him treating another human being this way. One who already admits to being sort of fragile. Whether it is intentional or not.

 

 

If one is not really willing to even try to compromise or communicate, then have the decency to hold off on a serious relationship for awhile. Or, at least let go of the one you are in if the person you are with is not the right one. Nor, someone you would go that extra mile for. That is all I would ask.

 

 

It is sort of interesting you bring up 'not having to go along with the herd'. There seemed to be quite a bit of jumping on this woman after she posted. Calling her actions out as controlling when all she wanted was advice about whether or not she should be moving forward within a risky relationship. Quite a bit of jumping, indeed. I am just curious as to what exactly you would call this.

[Keenly]

This is the thing though. It's not a matter of me or anyone else trying to get people to live their lives a certain way. I have no problem with porn and have watched it many times. What it relates with is trying to get others to see how the way they choose to react affects others around them. That is the first issue.

 

 

The second one is that there are simply certain ways we should try treating those around us. One of those traits revolves around respect. It is totally cool if the dude still wants to watch porn. What does not fly with me is him treating another human being this way. One who already admits to being sort of fragile. Whether it is intentional or not.

 

 

If one is not really willing to even try to compromise or communicate, then have the decency to hold off on a serious relationship for awhile. Or, at least let go of the one you are in if the person you are with is not the right one. Nor, someone you would go that extra mile for. That is all I would ask.

 

 

It is sort of interesting you bring up 'not having to go along with the herd'. There seemed to be quite a bit of jumping on this woman after she posted. Calling her actions out as controlling when all she wanted was advice about whether or not she should be moving forward within a risky relationship. Quite a bit of jumping, indeed. I am just curious as to what exactly you would call this.

 

 

The word compromise is always thrown around when some one is trying to change some one else.

 

Compromise in a relationship has its uses. You uses it for chore division. You compromise by giving each other half of the bed. You let her shower first because she has to leave earlier for work, or whatever.

 

You do NOT compromise YOURSELF in a relationship, nor do you ask your partner to compromise themselves. This is a tool of control. "Well... you love me, so you'll give up xxxxx, right?"

 

That is manipulation. She can either take him as he comes, porn and all, or not at all. You can not date some one and then pick and choose the things about them that you like and that you don't like, and then slowly start to take the things you don't like out of the equation. That's trying to change some one into something they aren't in order to please you.

 

OP is very young and very inexperienced in these matters, and she wants to change him, you know, to make him a letter better. To align a little more with what she wants in a boyfriend.

 

The problem? That's not him. The guy likes his porn. If she doesn't like that, and is completely unable to overcome her insecurities (which by the way, when a person is insecure about something, it is NOT the fault of the other person. That's solely on the person with the insecurity to overcome that, especially when it doesn't affect the relationship in a negative way" if she can't overcome them, she must move on.

 

Those are your choices in dating. Accepting another person, or moving on to find some one else. No where in there is changing some one for your benefit part of dating.

[thekid36]

You managed to put quite a few words into my mouth here. I'll just have to trust that you don't know me; I think if you knew my posting history, you may have reacted differently. Unfortunately, I have to go to work so I just haven't got the time to spar with you. Hopefully the OP has a chance to read it and finds something useful.

 

 

You say that giving up porn is 'not so simple'. As if to justify it to anyone who may be threatened by it. I simply do not agree with this at all. It is basically a matter of simple choice. If one is not within a serious relationship, watch all the porn that you want! Yet, if you are actually within a relationship, have some compassion for the person you are with.

 

 

Be more willing to sacrifice what in the long run should not really mean too much. It will perhaps bring you closer to your other half. She will likely respect that you choose her as a permanent priority as opposed to sharing a couple of temporary orgasms with a stranger. He could have been smoking, doing drugs, or drinking too much. Insert your own vice if you wish. The issue is not the watching of porn. My intent is not to attack porn per-se.

 

 

Life is all about priorities. A partner should be one of those. Maybe, she will be more apt to stop something which may upset you. Not that one should have to completely conform! There is a balance between legitimate compromise and absolute conformity. If you feel that a person is totally changing too much about you, then have the decency to get up and leave! Personally, I think that stopping the watching of porn while on your own does not necessarily change who you are. That is obviously open to opinion. I am well aware of that.

 

 

How do you know that she would think about 'Brad Pitt' so much if knowing it bothered her man that much? I have a hunch she would stop thinking about him. Even if she wanted to think about him. Because, she is willing to work things out. She realizes that a relationship means thinking about others besides your own self. It is not all about your own wants and needs. This is where the issue lies.

 

 

That being said, I actually like your idea about compromise. Just am not sure what makes you think that he would be willing to do so. This is why I was curious as to that.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Does not matter whether you think her reasons are logical or valid. She is fully entitled to her feelings.

 

She sure is entitled to them! She's just not entitled to force him to conform to them. It IS NOT selfish for him to enjoy watching porn...and without her disapproving eyes. I don't give a flying figure 8 what her reasons are. And you're right, it doesn't matter whether *I* think her reasons are valid, but it does matter what her BF thinks and from the looks of it, he finds them as invalid as I do.

You are taking the rest way out of context. I am not suggesting one should change every single aspect of his/her life when within a relationship.

Oh heavens no, not every aspect - why that would be controlling! - just whichever ones you arbitrarily decide you dislike....

How would not watching porn have that much of an effect on him?

One assumes his masturbatory sessions would be prolonged and/or far less enjoyable... but that's okay though right because his girlfriend's whims are being catered to I guess?

Yes, he can do anything which is wanted. He has every right to keep watching it. She also has the right to leave someone who is so selfish.

 

It's so odd that he's the one considered selfish in this scenario...

 

Throughout all your posts in this thread the pervasive theme seems to be that the man should simply do whatever his girlfriend says will make her happy, his own happiness/pleasure/comfort be damned. She gets to place unreasonable demands on him and is considered well within her right to do so and it is HIM who is made out to be the bad guy?

 

She'd be just as silly and audacious to tell him he can't watch action movies anymore because they make her 'uncomfortable'. I'd hope everyone here would agree that such a thing would be 'controlling' - hopefully even you - yet it's okay for her to tell him he can't watch porn because there's pretty naked ladies in it or whatever. How sad.

[Keenly]

How would not watching porn have that much of an effect on him?

 

 

I read this, and I see "I don't care about his desires or his needs"

 

 

I also see what I said before, the "you HAVE to live life the way I do" mentality.

 

 

Sorry that you don't like porn, but you don't have the right, and neither does OP, to take that away from another person. You DO have the right to leave.

[thekid36]

The word compromise is always thrown around when some one is trying to change some one else.

 

Compromise in a relationship has its uses. You uses it for chore division. You compromise by giving each other half of the bed. You let her shower first because she has to leave earlier for work, or whatever.

 

You do NOT compromise YOURSELF in a relationship, nor do you ask your partner to compromise themselves. This is a tool of control. "Well... you love me, so you'll give up xxxxx, right?"

 

That is manipulation. She can either take him as he comes, porn and all, or not at all. You can not date some one and then pick and choose the things about them that you like and that you don't like, and then slowly start to take the things you don't like out of the equation. That's trying to change some one into something they aren't in order to please you.

 

OP is very young and very inexperienced in these matters, and she wants to change him, you know, to make him a letter better. To align a little more with what she wants in a boyfriend.

 

The problem? That's not him. The guy likes his porn. If she doesn't like that, and is completely unable to overcome her insecurities (which by the way, when a person is insecure about something, it is NOT the fault of the other person. That's solely on the person with the insecurity to overcome that, especially when it doesn't affect the relationship in a negative way" if she can't overcome them, she must move on.

 

Those are your choices in dating. Accepting another person, or moving on to find some one else. No where in there is changing some one for your benefit part of dating.

 

 

Pray enlighten me as to how stopping porn watching threatens who a person really is deep down? Would it really change who you are at the end of each day? What about it is so important that this should override having some sense of decency and respect for your partner?

 

 

I would absolutely agree with you if she was attempting to change every single thing about this man. Would be the first one to call her out. That would be total manipulation. There is just no real proof to suggest that this is true. She is simply insecure about him watching porn while all alone.

 

 

It would be nice to think that someone would at least try helping a partner with past insecurities. Not because he/she has to. None of us have to really do anything at all. He/she should try to help because of wanting to. Do all he/she can to help. Even if the other person's insecurities are not of their own responsibility. Relationships are not all about fun and games in the present. The past does come into play.

 

 

I do agree the time has come for them both to move on. No matter where the specific blame and responsibility lies. That is obviously open for individual interpretation.

[Keenly]

Pray enlighten me as to how stopping porn watching threatens who a person really is deep down? Would it really change who you are at the end of each day? What about it is so important that this should override having some sense of decency and respect for your partner?

You continue to demonstrate that you have absolutely no interest in what makes the man happy, only that he should stop because his girlfriend is insecure about porn.

 

 

What if he is insecure about shopping? Reality TV? Girls night out? Romance novels?

 

She should stop all of those immediately and permanently, right?

[leavesonautumn]

Pray enlighten me as to how stopping porn watching threatens who a person really is deep down? Would it really change who you are at the end of each day? What about it is so important that this should override having some sense of decency and respect for your partner?

 

 

It would be nice to think that someone would at least try helping a partner with past insecurities. Not because he/she has to. None of us have to really do anything at all. He/she should try to help because of wanting to. Do all he/she can to help. Even if the other person's insecurities are not of their own responsibility. Relationships are not all about fun and games in the present. The past does come into play.

 

Straight up, you cannot demand that someone stop doing something with their own body or mind. That is power and control. If he was cheating or planning meet ups with escorts, that's one thing. All this guy is doing is jerking himself off. Do you think he would have the right to say, demand she not use a vibrator alone?

 

Like Keenly said, a person's insecurities is entirely on them and something they need to come to terms with.

 

BetrayedH said he is a visual man and your response is that he is just trying to justify that behavior. I don't think it's fair that just because someone does something different than you that they should feel they are doing something "wrong".

 

Should someone be honest about their masturbation instead of lying? Sure but again, that's something that is private for that person. There's a lot of shame that comes along with masturbation but it's natural and I can understand why someone would lie about it due to the shame. She's not asking him to stop porn use, she's asking him to not masturbate.

 

I had to deal with someone addicted to porn and he had shame ingrained into his mind as a young child from his mother. He was often depressed, angry and would take it out on me after a 5 hour porn marathon and masturbating 4 times and it got to the point that he couldn't even move the next day. This was before I even knew how bad it was. Porn was not the cause of depression, it was the tool used. The sooner we take shame away from sex and masturbation, the sooner people will be more accepting and understanding about it.

 

Just my opinion though.