Jealousy and Porn. I need to know if I'm crazy...

[thekid36]

She sure is entitled to them! She's just not entitled to force him to conform to them. It IS NOT selfish for him to enjoy watching porn...and without her disapproving eyes. I don't give a flying figure 8 what her reasons are. And you're right, it doesn't matter whether *I* think her reasons are valid, but it does matter what her BF thinks and from the looks of it, he finds them as invalid as I do.

 

Oh heavens no, not every aspect - why that would be controlling! - just whichever ones you arbitrarily decide you dislike....

 

One assumes his masturbatory sessions would be prolonged and/or far less enjoyable... but that's okay though right because his girlfriend's whims are being catered to I guess?

 

 

It's so odd that he's the one considered selfish in this scenario...

 

Throughout all your posts in this thread the pervasive theme seems to be that the man should simply do whatever his girlfriend says will make her happy, his own happiness/pleasure/comfort be damned. She gets to place unreasonable demands on him and is considered well within her right to do so and it is HIM who is made out to be the bad guy?

 

She'd be just as silly and audacious to tell him he can't watch action movies anymore because they make her 'uncomfortable'. I'd hope everyone here would agree that such a thing would be 'controlling' - hopefully even you - yet it's okay for her to tell him he can't watch porn because there's pretty naked ladies in it or whatever. How sad.

 

 

The point that should be addressed is still being missed. So many of you continue to defend this man. Someone who did something behind his other half's back while not being honest and open about it. Even though he knows how much it actually hurts her. This is where the issue lies. It amazes me that you say that he simply finds her reasons invalid. So matter of factly and without any sense of remorse.

 

 

I really do not think that her concern for porn is arbitrary. Or, so as to sabotage the entire relationship. We all have things that happen to us in the past. All have things which cause us concern. What matters is how we actually address them. It should be the pleasure of our partner to be there. Or, at least not to do things which hinder or hurt the relationship.

 

 

Life is not all about masturbation! I just find it incredibly sad that so much weight is being put into it. There are so many amazing things within this world to explore. I would much rather have a healthy and happy real relationship as opposed to a whole bunch of vivid fantasy visuals. I still recognize that this is simply my opinion.

 

 

Yes, we all have a right to watch porn! What is again at issue is dragging another innocent person down roads which will cause them stress. A large part of his life is obviously dedicated to watching it. He puts it in front of other issues as far as importance. Great, and good for him! Then, have the common decency to be honest and up front about it! Don't say you are going to stop to someone you supposedly care about only to keep doing something repeatedly and ruthlessly. Grow some balls and be a man! I don't care whether he feels threatened or not nor whether the man may be addicted. Stop promising what you are against. Don't promise something you know will not necessarily work out. Some of us take a promise rather seriously. So, he is being incredibly selfish because of all this dishonest manipulation. Not as a result of watching porn or of liking and wanting to.

 

 

He is basically the 'bad' guy here in my opinion. There needs to be compromise and communication on both ends. She should be willing to compromise as well. Thus, why this should still be open for possibility. What should not be the outcome is her having to deal with this and for him to watch it when he wants. For her to be happy that the dude is "at least not beating her". Cannot even tell you how much that makes me cringe.

 

 

There needs to be a change here. Maybe she should just leave him at this point since they are not really compatible. Say that she is being controlling. So many on here are obviously doing so. At least have the decency to not dismiss his own dishonesty and secrecy as part of the problem.

 

 

I would never do anything and everything simply because my partner told me to. What I would do is make certain sacrifices if needed so as to strenghten and secure a relationship which is important to me.

 

 

 

　

[thekid36]

I read this, and I see "I don't care about his desires or his needs"

 

 

I also see what I said before, the "you HAVE to live life the way I do" mentality.

 

 

Sorry that you don't like porn, but you don't have the right, and neither does OP, to take that away from another person. You DO have the right to leave.

 

 

Not about an inability to care for his desires and needs. Nor, about me playing favorites so as to please the woman at all costs. Each and every situation should be looked at in a specific way. At the end of the day, he should offer to try compromising. At the very least and all. He has the absolute right to ignore her thoughts and all. Not with only this but with all matters of importance. She has an equal right to end the relationship. I am in complete agreement there.

[thekid36]

You continue to demonstrate that you have absolutely no interest in what makes the man happy, only that he should stop because his girlfriend is insecure about porn.

 

 

What if he is insecure about shopping? Reality TV? Girls night out? Romance novels?

 

She should stop all of those immediately and permanently, right?

 

 

You are bringing up things which do not even relate to the original post and which happen to be completely arbitrary. You cannot generalize something that works as a plan for each and every situation. Who in his/her right mind would want to stay with someone who changes and dictates every single thing? In answer to your question even despite all of that. Compromise is an amazing word. Communication is not necessarily the worst one either.

[thekid36]

Straight up, you cannot demand that someone stop doing something with their own body or mind. That is power and control. If he was cheating or planning meet ups with escorts, that's one thing. All this guy is doing is jerking himself off. Do you think he would have the right to say, demand she not use a vibrator alone?

 

Like Keenly said, a person's insecurities is entirely on them and something they need to come to terms with.

 

BetrayedH said he is a visual man and your response is that he is just trying to justify that behavior. I don't think it's fair that just because someone does something different than you that they should feel they are doing something "wrong".

 

Should someone be honest about their masturbation instead of lying? Sure but again, that's something that is private for that person. There's a lot of shame that comes along with masturbation but it's natural and I can understand why someone would lie about it due to the shame. She's not asking him to stop porn use, she's asking him to not masturbate.

 

I had to deal with someone addicted to porn and he had shame ingrained into his mind as a young child from his mother. He was often depressed, angry and would take it out on me after a 5 hour porn marathon and masturbating 4 times and it got to the point that he couldn't even move the next day. This was before I even knew how bad it was. Porn was not the cause of depression, it was the tool used. The sooner we take shame away from sex and masturbation, the sooner people will be more accepting and understanding about it.

 

Just my opinion though.

 

All any of us have here is an opinion. Conversation like this has the chance to be constructive. Thinking outside of our own views is not always a bad thing at all. That is actually first and foremost. All of our opinions should be valued.

 

 

Interesting you bring up the concept of cheating. It has not really been discussed up till this point. What each person interprets as cheating is completely different and it opens up a completely different conversation. Just because you look at cheating as physical does not mean all would agree. I am absolutely positive about this.

 

 

Insecurities are actually most likely prolonged when someone we trust chooses to completely ignore them so as to satisfy a selfish and self-centered agenda. Sad that we should have to just get over our own crap all alone and not feel the comfort reaching out for support.

 

 

Never meant to suggest that Betrayed is doing anything wrong. What may need to be more considered here is how our own actions can be hurtful to others. Whether intentionally or if not. Because, all of us interpret things in totally different ways. As has been seem time and again within this thread. We are all humans and should want to take care of one another. We are not meant to only exist within our own little world. The ability to connect is part of what actually separates us.

 

 

Lying and manipulating hinders this opportunity to connect. It makes us so isolated. Shame should not be seen as an excuse to lie. This is where again the point continues to be missed. So many focuing on her control and not really considering anything as being wrong within his own actions. Sure, we also may enjoy time spent alone. This can be very healthy to be honest. There just also needs to be some sort of balance.

 

 

Sex is one of the misunderstood things out there. There is a lot of shame which comes about from many things relating to it. This is nothing other than sad. Why as a society do we allow violence on television to dominate when any hint of sex suggests what is taboo? There needs to perhaps be a change within our culture that is much more accepting and less secretive about what we should absolutely not be ashamed of.

 

 

This still does not necessarily excuse the actions of this specific situation. Not really fair to use shame as a crutch. Nor, is it right to refuse to even be willing to compromise with a partner we supposedly care about just because he/she wants something to happen. Something which may differ from what we selfishly want. We can choose to stick to all of who we are and not be willing to budge at all. Just don't bring another person all of the way down to a level which is really not fair. Have the common decency to be honest and open at all times.

Edited August 11, 2014 by thekid36

[ForeverTainted]

Goodness, I never realized porn was so up there with air and water as a need.

 

It's not a need. It is a habit and an addiction and it supports a terrible industry that destroys lives and objectifies men and women. It is not sexual expression but rather supression because it is rarely true to life.

 

I have hear of men and women often giving up things without losing themselves. GNOs that involve bars and picking up men, exessive video game playing, strip clubs, ONS and even harlequin romances. Why is porn so special that IF you are okay with the fact you are interacting with women being degraded and all the clearly different from action movies and video games you can't give it up because your SO doesn't like you staring at naked women and thinking about doing them. It is childish and immature to hide it. Porn that important to you? Grow a pair and tell your SO you will not be giving it up.

 

If porn is okay then watching and jerking off to people in real life is okay. If porn is okay then you shouldn't mind your daughter becoming a porn star. If porn is okay then you shouldn't mind marrying an ex porn star.

 

If any of those seem wrong? Well then your defense of porn is pure hypocracy.

 

Women are forced to like and be cool with porn or they are called insecure, controlling, prudish, and so forth. Now that is the herd mentality.

Edited August 11, 2014 by ForeverTainted

[thekid36]

Goodness, I never realized porn was so up there with air and water as a need.

 

It's not a need. It is a habit and an addiction and it supports a terrible industry that destroys lives and objectifies men and women. It is not sexual expression but rather supression because it is rarely true to life.

 

I have hear of men and women often giving up things without losing themselves. GNOs that involve bars and picking up men, exessive video game playing, strip clubs, ONS and even harlequin romances. Why is porn so special that IF you are okay with the fact you are interacting with women being degraded and all the clearly different from action movies and video games you can't give it up because your SO doesn't like you staring at naked women and thinking about doing them. It is childish and immature to hide it. Porn that important to you? Grow a pair and tell your SO you will not be giving it up.

 

If porn is okay then watching and jerking off to people in real life is okay. If porn is okay then you shouldn't mind your daughter becoming a porn star. If porn is okay then you shouldn't mind marrying an ex porn star.

 

If any of those seem wrong? Well then your defense of porn is pure hypocracy.

 

Women are forced to like and be cool with porn or they are called insecure, controlling, prudish, and so forth. Now that is the herd mentality.

 

 

Anything which is legal can be acceptable in some way to a point. It does seem as if watching porn is a little to the extreme with this man. I have honestly watched porn on this end. Though, I do see what you are saying. So, to attack porn per-se would be sort of hypocritical of me.

 

 

It is just sad that so many have chose to call out this woman as controlling. Just based on a rather reasonable request. Not only that, but to suggest that this man has done nothing wrong. As if he should be proud of his response! Not a care of mine to be popular though. All I can do at this point is try to stick up for what is right. Well, within my own mind at least.

 

 

I totally agree with all you say about just being honest and open with what it is which you are wanting. This is exactly where the issue lies. Not trying to control people nor suggest that we all need to conform to our partners wishes with each and every little thing.

[Saphy]

Hello again everyone.

 

I do apologize for my outburst. I have been an emotional wreck lately because of this issue and I thank everyone for your responses, whether I agree with them or not is irreverent. I thank you for different points of view and trying to fill me in from his points of view. So first thing first, I suppose.

 

If he asked me to give up something I enjoyed doing, say Facebook because of all my guy friends on there and it made him a little insecure, I would. Because I feel that his feelings are more important than my need to be on Facebook. But that is just me. I look at the big picture which is why I came on here to begin with. To see if I was insane because of my emotional state of it or if I just needed time to chill the hell out and then think it through.

 

After the initial argument, I left for my mother's and I stayed there until this morning, when my fiance came to the door and asked to talk. So we went home and had a very long talk (seriously, it was like... 5 hours long) and he told me that it was worse than I thought. That just about every time he has a few minutes of free time, he thinks about it. Which led me to taking a view of an addiction rather than a choice.

 

I've grown up around addictions all my life. My dad's an alcoholic, my mom is a cocaine addict, and most of my family members fall in there somewhere. I know how bad addictions can be and I understood. He claimed that it was a compulsion and that he was really sorry about hurting me. We talked about why it hurt me and it was because in my eyes, it does seem like cheating. He is achieving sexual pleasure through someone else, with his own hand or not. To me, it falls close behind actually having sex with someone else and going to a strip club. I get that it isn't and to a lot of people, my views on the subject may be grossly skewed, but that's alright. Because I can't change yours either, nor do I want to. I just wanted to know if I was crazy to be mad at him. Which even he said, I had every right to be angry.

 

Again, that might have been him trying to pacify me, but during our talk, he sincerely seemed ashamed of hurting me and betraying my trust. As our talk continued, he finally admitted that he thinks he is addicted to it (maybe not to the extent of some people, but yeah...) He told me that he thinks about it, even right after sex and he said that it hurt that he only had two options: either stop completely or lose me. I disagreed with him and said that we need to take it a day at a time, because I know that's how most addictions work, and that I would be beside him, even if he slips up.

 

I know that a lot of people here think that we should just separate and leave each other but for me, I feel that "where there is a will, there is a way". I told him that I know he will slip up every now and then, and that I completely understand that. But I asked him to be honest with me when he did slip up with it. He agreed. I have yet to really see where this goes (obviously), but I am hopeful of the outcome.

 

I understand that some people think we aren't compatible, but he told me that he didn't think I would be so hurt about it. I told him that of course I was hurt that he jerked of five times a day to it when I am sitting here waiting for him to come onto me so that we can go a round or two and I was a bit unsatisfied because of it and I didn't even know why our rounds went from twice a day gradually down to once or twice a week. (Honestly, I really did just chalk it up to his sex drive dwindling or us getting pass the 'honeymoon period' and I really did convince myself of it because of my wholehearted trust that he would keep a promise to me.) I asked him how I couldn't be upset that he'd go into the bathroom as a "number 2" and actually masturbated instead or that whenever I was out making dinner for us, he was in our room doing it and things like that and that he hid it from me and lied to me about it.

 

I put t back on him, asking him if I did something that made him uncomfortable, like going to a bar on my own or going out with my guy friends, and then lied to him if he'd be alright with that? And, of course, he said no. Even got upset at the thought of it. So we agreed that he would be honest and I would be there to pick him back up when he stumbled, because to me, that's what partners do.

 

I look at relationships as a business agreement. You are honest with your business partner and you don't lie because it leads to the end of the company. I think that working toward the 'end goal' beneficial to both parties and that even if one person does something wrong, you don't give up on them. I believe that I may be a bit old school with not getting rid of something just because it's flawed, but trying to fix the flaw, little by little. I believe that being with someone who you love, someone you would die for, is the best kind of relationship.

 

I know that some people think we are incompatible, but for me, I think we fit together just fine. He embraces me and most of my flaws, asks me to change the ones that really bother him, OCDish or not, and I embrace him and most of his flaws, and I ask him to change the ones that really bother me. I get that some of you may say the whole "die for someone" thing is a bit controlling too, but I think that if you can find someone that you are really willing to give up your life for, then you are very blessed, whether that person be a child, a parent, a best friend or a spouse.

 

I do apologize that for some people porn is such a BIG DEAL in their lives and that they NEED to masturbate, but personally, I don't. I give all my sexual attention to my partner. I used to masturbate like crazy back when I was single or when we didn't live together, but since we moved in together, I don't. It's because I respect him and his 'manhood' (because he gets a little butt hurt when he can't keep up with my sex drive) not to. So I keep it pent up and then when we meet, I feel that it is the best thing since sliced bread and I am in utter bliss. I just feel that I deserve that same respect that I give him and he agreed to this too.

 

This post is getting kind of long, but I just want everyone to know where I am right now and I am content with our agreement, even though my trust is really shaken. I have made it clear to him that if he goes back to how it was and if he lies to me about it, that it's over and I wont be coming back. But realistically, I will more than likely leave for a week and come back again because I don't give up until there is nothing left to salvage. And so long as the smiles outweigh the fights, I'm invested in this relationship.

 

Thank you again everyone, for your support or your brutal honesty that you think I am being controlling by asking something like this of him. I agree that I shouldn't have made him promise it, especially when I knew that it was unrealistic of me to ask him to promise that he would NEVER look at it again, but he didn't really see how I saw porn before and now that I explained it to him as it would be like if I were constantly talking to my ex, he understood how I felt about it. I especially thank thekid16 for your insight and I do agree with you. People look at porn and masturbation as something necessary, but so many people live without it and if my fiance can't, then I can't stay in this relationship. I thank LuckyLady13 as well for your support as well and for being at least nice about telling me things. And I thank BetrayedH as well for giving me the look from his view point, but again, to me, I view it as one of the worst things that can be done in a relationship because to me, it's portraying your desires onto someone else. I get that you all have your views, and I respect that and everything, but I disagree with most of them. People can do without masturbating or watching porn.

 

Anyway, I am going to wrap this up and will reply back every now and again, probably check this once a day to see that people still believe that he should leave the relationship because they wouldn't give up porn and masturbation for their partner, but we've come to an agreement and we'll see how this ship floats with some patches in it's hull and a new sail on it's mast. Thank you again everyone and I do apologize for my outburst. I suppose it wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, you're right because I was hurt and was looking for a bit of support rather than another attack, and I didn't get it, so I felt I lashed out a bit in self defense and just tried to get away from the situation.

 

Crossing my fingers and hoping this works.

Saphy.

[Mr. Lucky]

Agree 100% that you have the right to be in the type of relationship that serves your needs and meets your values.

 

People can do without masturbating.

 

On the other hand, I think your chances are 1 in 100 in meeting this standard with him (especially!) or the vast majority of other men.

 

Regardless, best of luck to you and your relationship ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Saphy]

Alright then. Hypothetical.

 

"Hi, my name is Saphy and my fiance has been gambling behind my back and lying about it to me."

 

"Well, Saphy, it's within his right to gamble on his own. He's his own man."

 

"I get that, but it's ruining our relationship and it's taking most of his interest and I've found out that he spends $500 on gambling every day."

 

"Well, Saphy, it sounds like your fiance has a gambling addiction and he needs help."

 

"Alright. Thank you very much for your help."

 

So... How is this any different? Other than the obvious fact that it's money and not orgasms? Gambling and not porn?

 

How is it that you seem to think that people can get over other addictions/compulsions, but not porn or masturbating? Hypocritical? I think a few people are.

Just curious on where you stand with other addictions but this one seems to be a joke to you guys and think that his woman is being controlling when women have asked in the past for men to give up their addictions/compulsions and not thought that they were controlling...

[Mr. Lucky]

 

So... How is this any different? Other than the obvious fact that it's money and not orgasms? Gambling and not porn?.

To stick with your analogy, would you address his gambling addiction by completely controlling his access to money? Tell him he can never, for the rest of his life, have even a dollar in his pocket?

 

Anything taken to excess is damaging to a relationship, porn included. But I think your mistake is looking at this as a sexual issue rather than one of addiction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

You can't compare human sexuality with gambling. Apples and Oranges at the very least.

 

The difference? Sexuality is a basic, primal drive like water, air and food.You need these things, but I don't think they fit the medical criteria for addiction. If you notice, there really is no accepted medical diagnosis for sexual addiction. The DSM-V does not recognize as it as legitimate medical condition. The most you might get a legit therapist to say is "hypersexual" or "lacks impulse control". You have to find a Dr. Drew/Phil/Oprah quack to even mention it really.

 

In fact, human sexuality is the only reason you are here and nearly EVERYTHING you do in life revolves around it. As a biological organism, you eat, drink and sleep to covert fuel into energy so that you can reproduce, stay alive long enough to rear your offspring and die.

 

So whether or not you like porn, sexuality and everything that goes with it is a far greater force than nearly ANYTHING you compare it to.

 

Listening to gangsta rap doesn't make me a thug, mafia movies don't turn you into an organized criminal, you didn't turn into a murderer watching a horror movie and you won't turn into a sexual deviant philanderer watching strangers have sex. Read these forums. There are people in here who have amazingly brutal, mean, vengeful, cheating spouses.... And you're pissed that your guy watches porn. Unless you go for some self-hating Christian next time around, your chances of find a guy who doesn't watch some every now and the are pretty much zero.

Edited August 14, 2014 by HereNorThere

[Saphy]

Well, then I guess in your eyes that I am doomed to fail, but your opinion on it means little to me because people can change their sexual view and they do it all the time.

 

And I guess that I will keep this view on things until I either die or get in a relationship with a guy that actually understands how much it hurts me and is willing to give up something for me that I would be willing to give up for him.

 

Anyway, I am just being a hopeful youth with visions of the future like any good 21 year old would do and I am going to give my fiance the benefit of the doubt. Delusions or not. I suppose when you look at it that way, it can only end one of three ways. Either he does what he says he will or we'll end up splitting up or we can negotiate it further if it's not working out for him. It's not like he's going to have side effects from not doing it.

 

But I can't win with most of you, so you know what? F*ck it. Let me be young and stupid, but don't put me down for it. Everyone is young and stupid at one point. I may have my own view on this subject, that I do view it as close to cheating. I know people have it worse than I do. Trust me, I know they do. And I'm not saying that my issue is worse than theirs or even close. All I was saying is that I have an issue and was looking for a bit of advice about it. Instead, I got people like you guys that say it's my issue when it's not. It's an 'us' issue because it involves both of us. It's not a 'me' issue because it is all my fault.

 

Eh. I'm kind of done talking about the whole situation and getting flack for being a woman who knows what hurts her and sticks up for trying to stop being hurt. I suppose, lucky for me, I have a guy that knows that if I did something that hurt him or made him feel threatened, I'd stop and that it only makes sense to him that he should be willing to do the same. Especially if he wants this relationship to continue.

 

Anyway, have a good night.

-Young and hopeful.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Saphy

[giblesp]

Saphy, I'll start by saying that if anyone needs to look at porn to get in the mood, when they have a real live woman in front of them, then either they are not in healthy condition or there is something missing in the relationship.

 

I'm not implying there is anything wring with you, so no need to think that. But sometimes there is alot we don't know about our partner. It could be a case of he's just got so used to porn that its part of his sex life, and he's wired in a way that only porn can get him off completely.

If thats the case, then he must decide for himself that he's not in a healthy state and make his own conclusion about getting better.

 

Maybe check in with him about your relationship, ask him and yourself, are there any areas outside of this problem you've mentioned that need addressing. If he's using porn as a crutch for depression, then that's not too good.

 

Part of the problem is that porn was acceptable for both of you at the start of the relationship. If he wanted to continue when you wanted to stop, he should have been honest and said. Also, I respectfully suggest that if he decides to continue to do something that you were ok about, you give him some space with that.

 

Let him know why you think its best for him, yourself and your relationship why he should also stop porn, but don't come down on him for not stopping. But tell him he must be honest about it.

Edited August 14, 2014 by giblesp

[Els]

If this has turned into such a long-standing and unresolvable issue, chances are the two of you are just not compatible. There are men who don't care for porn, and there are women who don't care if their man watches porn.

 

If you two aren't able to work out a compromise in this small issue then how will you deal with the really big stuff that comes with being a long-term couple or married? The prognosis does not look good.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You can't compare human sexuality with gambling. Apples and Oranges at the very least.

 

The difference? Sexuality is a basic, primal drive like water, air and food.

 

Also, gambling addiction has real life consequences like massive debt and the loss of property and even freedom. The consequence to watching porn occasionally is what...hurt feelings?

 

There's nothing that can be said to change OPs mind nor anyone else who sides with her. She's already said she views porn as being very close behind actual cheating. Spoken like a woman who has never been cheated on. I think if you ask any BS whether if given they choice would they rather their cheating partner have slept with another woman or got off to clips of Tera Patrick from time to time they'd almost always choose the latter. But that's another topic.

 

I do feel sorry for the fiance in this scenario because he is being initiated very early into giving into a woman's every whim. It's a slippery slope from here on out that rarely ends well. Hopefully he'll learn to put his foot down on more important matters in the future or his balls will be in her purse forever.

 

I'm young and hopeful too but certainly not delusional. Thank god!

[Scarlet2]

The thing is, he did compromise in a way. He could have ended the relationship if he was no longer allowed to watch porn alone. He chose to stay and compromised by hiding it.

 

And even if he didn't lie and did only watch it with you, eventually you would end up telling him you don't want to watch it right now, especially if he likes to watch it a lot like you're saying, so then he'd have to go hide it anyway. Needs aren't being met.

 

The gambling analogy is inaccurate because it's missing the "you can only gamble if I'm with you"

[Lernaean_Hydra]

The thing is, he did compromise in a way. He could have ended the relationship if he was no longer allowed to watch porn alone. He chose to stay and compromised by hiding it.

 

Brilliant!

 

And even if he didn't lie and did only watch it with you, eventually you would end up telling him you don't want to watch it right now, especially if he likes to watch it a lot like you're saying, so then he'd have to go hide it anyway. Needs aren't being met.

 

I think we all know that is exactly what was going to happen. Then arguments would ensue because she'd still be upset that he wanted to watch it "so much".

 

The gambling analogy is inaccurate because it's missing the "you can only gamble if I'm with you"

[dichotomy]

OP,

 

Is it okay to you if he masturbates alone? (assuming he is not watching porn?)

[Els]

The thing is, he did compromise in a way. He could have ended the relationship if he was no longer allowed to watch porn alone. He chose to stay and compromised by hiding it.

 

For the record, I don't agree with the OP's stance on porn at all... but this is pretty ridiculous. Going by this logic, anyone could 'compromise' on anything, right? By saying they will/won't do something and doing the exact opposite behind their SO's back. That's not a compromise, that's worse than doing it with honesty.

[Keenly]

You don't " give something up " for another person. That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. You give something up for yourself.

 

 

Giving anything up.because another person demands you do is going to breed resentment.

 

 

Still can't see how controlling that is , can you? Well... I think you do, and you just don't care, because you genuinely feel that what you want is more important than what he wants.

Yo have no respect for what he wants because its all about you you you.

 

 

In fact, its so about you, that your own insecurity couldn't possibly be your own problem? But instead you put it in him.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP,

 

Is it okay to you if he masturbates alone? (assuming he is not watching porn?)

 

Based on what she said, the answer would be "no":

 

People can do without masturbating or watching porn.

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

Based on what she said, the answer would be "no":

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Then this is a lost cause and she should let him go - or she should seek counseling for her issues.

[Els]

You don't " give something up " for another person. That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. You give something up for yourself.

 

 

Giving anything up.because another person demands you do is going to breed resentment.

 

I do agree with this. If it's important to the OP that her man not watch porn, she should seek someone who doesn't, not try to change someone who does.

[thekid36]

Hello again everyone.

 

I do apologize for my outburst. I have been an emotional wreck lately because of this issue and I thank everyone for your responses, whether I agree with them or not is irreverent. I thank you for different points of view and trying to fill me in from his points of view. So first thing first, I suppose.

 

If he asked me to give up something I enjoyed doing, say Facebook because of all my guy friends on there and it made him a little insecure, I would. Because I feel that his feelings are more important than my need to be on Facebook. But that is just me. I look at the big picture which is why I came on here to begin with. To see if I was insane because of my emotional state of it or if I just needed time to chill the hell out and then think it through.

 

After the initial argument, I left for my mother's and I stayed there until this morning, when my fiance came to the door and asked to talk. So we went home and had a very long talk (seriously, it was like... 5 hours long) and he told me that it was worse than I thought. That just about every time he has a few minutes of free time, he thinks about it. Which led me to taking a view of an addiction rather than a choice.

 

I've grown up around addictions all my life. My dad's an alcoholic, my mom is a cocaine addict, and most of my family members fall in there somewhere. I know how bad addictions can be and I understood. He claimed that it was a compulsion and that he was really sorry about hurting me. We talked about why it hurt me and it was because in my eyes, it does seem like cheating. He is achieving sexual pleasure through someone else, with his own hand or not. To me, it falls close behind actually having sex with someone else and going to a strip club. I get that it isn't and to a lot of people, my views on the subject may be grossly skewed, but that's alright. Because I can't change yours either, nor do I want to. I just wanted to know if I was crazy to be mad at him. Which even he said, I had every right to be angry.

 

Again, that might have been him trying to pacify me, but during our talk, he sincerely seemed ashamed of hurting me and betraying my trust. As our talk continued, he finally admitted that he thinks he is addicted to it (maybe not to the extent of some people, but yeah...) He told me that he thinks about it, even right after sex and he said that it hurt that he only had two options: either stop completely or lose me. I disagreed with him and said that we need to take it a day at a time, because I know that's how most addictions work, and that I would be beside him, even if he slips up.

 

I know that a lot of people here think that we should just separate and leave each other but for me, I feel that "where there is a will, there is a way". I told him that I know he will slip up every now and then, and that I completely understand that. But I asked him to be honest with me when he did slip up with it. He agreed. I have yet to really see where this goes (obviously), but I am hopeful of the outcome.

 

I understand that some people think we aren't compatible, but he told me that he didn't think I would be so hurt about it. I told him that of course I was hurt that he jerked of five times a day to it when I am sitting here waiting for him to come onto me so that we can go a round or two and I was a bit unsatisfied because of it and I didn't even know why our rounds went from twice a day gradually down to once or twice a week. (Honestly, I really did just chalk it up to his sex drive dwindling or us getting pass the 'honeymoon period' and I really did convince myself of it because of my wholehearted trust that he would keep a promise to me.) I asked him how I couldn't be upset that he'd go into the bathroom as a "number 2" and actually masturbated instead or that whenever I was out making dinner for us, he was in our room doing it and things like that and that he hid it from me and lied to me about it.

 

I put t back on him, asking him if I did something that made him uncomfortable, like going to a bar on my own or going out with my guy friends, and then lied to him if he'd be alright with that? And, of course, he said no. Even got upset at the thought of it. So we agreed that he would be honest and I would be there to pick him back up when he stumbled, because to me, that's what partners do.

 

I look at relationships as a business agreement. You are honest with your business partner and you don't lie because it leads to the end of the company. I think that working toward the 'end goal' beneficial to both parties and that even if one person does something wrong, you don't give up on them. I believe that I may be a bit old school with not getting rid of something just because it's flawed, but trying to fix the flaw, little by little. I believe that being with someone who you love, someone you would die for, is the best kind of relationship.

 

I know that some people think we are incompatible, but for me, I think we fit together just fine. He embraces me and most of my flaws, asks me to change the ones that really bother him, OCDish or not, and I embrace him and most of his flaws, and I ask him to change the ones that really bother me. I get that some of you may say the whole "die for someone" thing is a bit controlling too, but I think that if you can find someone that you are really willing to give up your life for, then you are very blessed, whether that person be a child, a parent, a best friend or a spouse.

 

I do apologize that for some people porn is such a BIG DEAL in their lives and that they NEED to masturbate, but personally, I don't. I give all my sexual attention to my partner. I used to masturbate like crazy back when I was single or when we didn't live together, but since we moved in together, I don't. It's because I respect him and his 'manhood' (because he gets a little butt hurt when he can't keep up with my sex drive) not to. So I keep it pent up and then when we meet, I feel that it is the best thing since sliced bread and I am in utter bliss. I just feel that I deserve that same respect that I give him and he agreed to this too.

 

This post is getting kind of long, but I just want everyone to know where I am right now and I am content with our agreement, even though my trust is really shaken. I have made it clear to him that if he goes back to how it was and if he lies to me about it, that it's over and I wont be coming back. But realistically, I will more than likely leave for a week and come back again because I don't give up until there is nothing left to salvage. And so long as the smiles outweigh the fights, I'm invested in this relationship.

 

Thank you again everyone, for your support or your brutal honesty that you think I am being controlling by asking something like this of him. I agree that I shouldn't have made him promise it, especially when I knew that it was unrealistic of me to ask him to promise that he would NEVER look at it again, but he didn't really see how I saw porn before and now that I explained it to him as it would be like if I were constantly talking to my ex, he understood how I felt about it. I especially thank thekid16 for your insight and I do agree with you. People look at porn and masturbation as something necessary, but so many people live without it and if my fiance can't, then I can't stay in this relationship. I thank LuckyLady13 as well for your support as well and for being at least nice about telling me things. And I thank BetrayedH as well for giving me the look from his view point, but again, to me, I view it as one of the worst things that can be done in a relationship because to me, it's portraying your desires onto someone else. I get that you all have your views, and I respect that and everything, but I disagree with most of them. People can do without masturbating or watching porn.

 

Anyway, I am going to wrap this up and will reply back every now and again, probably check this once a day to see that people still believe that he should leave the relationship because they wouldn't give up porn and masturbation for their partner, but we've come to an agreement and we'll see how this ship floats with some patches in it's hull and a new sail on it's mast. Thank you again everyone and I do apologize for my outburst. I suppose it wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, you're right because I was hurt and was looking for a bit of support rather than another attack, and I didn't get it, so I felt I lashed out a bit in self defense and just tried to get away from the situation.

 

Crossing my fingers and hoping this works.

Saphy.

 

You do not need to apologize for a single thing. Do not ever let someone make you feel guilty for your emotions and feelings. It is not a shock that you have been unable to find much emotional balance lately. Especially with all of the diverse responses you have revolving around within your head.

 

 

Your want of him to stop watching porn is legitimate. Based solely on how you look at a relationship. Some may argue with what you value in relation to it. Yet, they cannot tell you how you have to look at it. Makes total sense that you would value his opinion if he wanted you to stop talkng to male friends so much on Facebook for example. It basically has to do with your own basic priorities. Some choose to then place a high value on relationships. Doing all that is possible to make them work out in a positive way. Others choose to place a higher value on keeping who he/she is as a person no matter what. On all that they thus happen to value. Even if it is something which may seem small or silly. Truly just a total difference of opinion. You are obviously the first kind of one. Does not make you wrong in any form at all.

 

 

You have every right and then some to view his watching porn as cheating. Some of this no doubt based on what has happened in your past and all of the addictions you have had to deal with. It almost would create some sense of insecurity. Many would tend to agree with you on this topic of cheating. Whether they are actually on this site or not. Just because there is a large group on here who tend to feel one way or the other does not mean that everyone off of here would necessarily agree. What is important is holding on to your own convictions. He has every right to have his too. Yours are also no less important. Everyone has a different view on what constitutes cheating. Do not ever compromise something so important just because others are trying to make you feel badly.

 

 

It is great that he recognized his addiction. This is no doubt a first step. It is beyond awesome that you are willing to give him time to work this through! Not something one could necessarily stop in a day. The whole key is that he's showing effort to make you a priority based on his recent response. He cares enough to at least try. You in turn care enough to be there. There may indeed be slip up's down the road. It is important that he recognize that he was decietful and disrecpectful because of the lies and secrecy. What I was personally worried about revolves around his initial refusal to recognize your thoughts. That was what made me wonder if the relationship is worth trying to save.

 

 

It is great that you hold honesty and trust so highly! I still am sort of stumped that so many have been solely focusing on the porn side of it as opposed to all the rest. The porn is an important issue to you. Just about anything can be substituted in it's place. The key is that you have the right to want a partner you can trust. All of the things that so many have been trying to point out really do not excuse these lies. Shame, frustration, and guilt are all included in that. As is an addiction. Being addicted to something does not give one a free pass from what is right and wrong. Enjoying one's sexuality on your own to the extreme does not mean that you have the right to treat a partner with total disrespect.

 

 

The way that you look at relationships is one which is based on mutual happiness and total respect. I admire that you are willing to try working this all out. Even despite all of your recent experiences. It may not make sense to others. That does not matter at all. Yours is a way which can work. If this relationship cannot be salvaged because of trust issues on either side then you may need to move on after all. All you can do at this point is hope.