He broke up with me and told me he doesn't love me then changed his mind

[Katymcc]

My partner and I have been in a 1 1/2 year relationship. Although it hasn't been easy. he is in the army and has been posted to the opposite side of the country so for 7 months we have been doing long distance. Anyways a couple weeks ago out of the blue we were talking on the phone and he told me his feelings have changed and he didn't love me the same anymore. He told me he doesn't see a future with me anymore. And doesn't want to marry me. As you could imagine, I was devastated. My whole world shattered. He told me he doesn't want to be with me but he still wanted me in his life and still talk to me. I told him we can never me friends after breaking up. He had the choice of being with me as my boyfriend or saying goodbye. We made arrangements to see eachother the following week because in my heart I just had this feeling he was going to say goodbye and I didn't want to end things over the phone after being together for so long. I told him my intentions and he got really upset and said he didn't want to say goodbye then changed his mind and told he does love me and it was just the distance that was making him think like that. He said when I told him I wanted to say goodbye he realised he did want to be with me. We got back together and things were perfect when we saw eachother. But I noticed when I saw him, it wasn't the same. It felt like there was something between us that I couldn't shake off. I'm not sure if it's because he broke my heart or whether it's because I know deep down he still doesn't see a future with me and is only with me because he will miss me when I go. We used to talk about moving in together when he got back and settle down, now he just avoids the topic. I need to know if anyone has ever experienced something similar and if he is only delaying the inevidable because he doesn't want to say goodbye...

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I experienced something similar years ago. Out of the blue, he told me (about 3 yrs into the relationship, 2 of them living together) that he didn't feel the same way anymore. I should say that although it felt out of the blue at the time, looking back there were signs it wasn't going as well as I told myself it was. I told him the same thing you told your boyfriend- if we split, we were done. No friendship as it would be too hard for me. We reconciled and stayed together, but I always had a doubt in the back of my head that he really wanted to be there.

 

4 years after that we broke up for good. I really thought we had moved past our near-split, but about a year before we ended the relationship I started seeing signs again that he wasn't invested anymore. I was right.

 

Ask yourself some hard questions: how had the relationship really been before he broke up with you? What prompted that? Why did he suddenly change his mind? If you don't know the answers, then it will be nearly impossible to work on. And if you can't work on it, it will happen again. It's not fair to you to sweep this under the rug and have your heart on a string like that. Something more is going on with him and you need to figure out what it is.

[Soxfaninfl]

If someone truly loves you then they would never say there feelings have changed for you and tell you again they love you. It doesn't work like that. Take it from me. I was married for 11 years and total of 13 years with my ex-wife. She told me that wasn't in love with me after 7 years together (married for 5). A year went by and I didn't hear an I love you. It was awful. I did again, but it was a lie. She lied for the next 5 years of my life telling me she loved me (She told me in counseling right before our divorce). She thought that if she said it she would eventually feel it again. My ex-wife wasn't and will never be capable of true love. This I've learned the hard way.

 

For the first time in my life I know what real loves is because I've met my fiancé. She was with her late husband for 11 years, and she truly loved him. She never felt the way your boyfriend feels or how my ex-wife felt. Someone who truly loves you will love you through thick and thin, and that's how I feel about my fiancé. I never felt my ex-wife ever felt that way about me.

 

To be honest, I wish my ex-wife would have left me when she felt out of love for the first time. I'm sad that I waisted five years with someone that truly didn't love me. Don't waist your time and life like I did with someone like that. Life is too short not to be with someone that truly loves you. That person is out there. It took me 4 years to find the love of my life, and I didn't give up. I knew she was out there. The previous poster speaks from experience also. Learn from our mistakes.

Edited August 9, 2014 by Soxfaninfl

[Poppygoodwill]

People get cold feet, it happens. Long distance is difficult and it can be easy to lose heart.

 

However I feel you should be cautious here becuase he's in the army, which means he is in for a long career of moving around and having long distance relationships. Even if you married, there would likely be periods he would be posted away for months at a time and he needs to be mature enough to manage that distance without going cold on you.

 

At a minimum, re-evaluate how you are managing the distance to see if there are ways to improve the contact and mke it more frequent. Be sure to talk not when you're both tired, but when you're happy and excited about things. Don't labour the calls with a lot of problems, but talk about stuff that you both enjoy. YOu've got to work harder at your friendship when you're at a distance. Maybe you both need to improve how you're going about it.

 

That aside, the worse case scenario is that he wasn't expecting to feel so bad when he hurt you and he's only reversed himself to avoid that pain - to himself and to you. If tha'ts the case, then it's only a matter of time. but he probalby won't do it head on this time, but just sort of fade back. I hope that's nto the case, but you must watch for signs and guard your heart as appropriate.

[HereNorThere]

Sudden, hard core shifts in feelings usually don't just come out of the blue. Until he can explain why he is treating you this way, I'd be suspect of anything he says. It sounds to me like he's feeling guilty for starting a new relationship.