I ended it

[MayP]

May--

 

The less I had contact, the better I felt. I waited several days after hearing from him to end it, and I felt so much better afterwards. It definitely is best to be the one who ends it. End it now, May. His positive outlook isn't making you happy, he's bringing you down.

 

I considered taking that power to end it first many times. Every time it feels like I am stepping off a cliff doing so. Fear. I have said it once, to end and he convinced me not to. And from then, I never wanted to say what I don't mean. Because I will regret saying and make a fool of myself. Fear again.

[Popsicle]

You need to go NC. It has not ended until you do this. Trust me on this. Trust everyone here on this.

 

I am not an advocate of telling your spouse or the W, but that's just me. Just stamp the whole affair out and focus on your husband and M.

[Pinklotus]

I'm going to need some support here, for sure. It's going to be hard, but not impossible. But harder than I thought as the night has worn on.

 

He emailed back tonight after I emailed him earlier today. A long email but the gist of it is that he said he understood and hopes that I work things out with my husband. Said he would send the reference. I'm realizing that this is goodbye and it's hard but I know in a few more days of nc it will be easier. I see my IC on Wednesday. I know I can do this. It's just sad...the whole stupid situation. I know I did the right thing.

 

For anyone jumping in, my post about ending it was number 74, I think. I basically said that I was working on my marriage and making healthy choices that are respectful of my husband, honest and consistent with honoring my vows.

 

Going to get some sleep now. Big day at work tomorrow. anyone in nc if love to hear from you.

[MuddyFootprints]

You can do this. The infidelity section can be tough, but consider doing some reading and reflecting there.

[Pinklotus]

You can do this. The infidelity section can be tough, but consider doing some reading and reflecting there.

 

Thank you, Muddy. I feel better this morning. Relieved. I don't want him in my life. I have visited the infidelity forum and yes, it's a reality check. Thank you.

 

Wish I had done this long ago....but happy it is over and that I took control of the situation.

[Cali408]

Here is the measuring stick of when you're healing. After about 7-8 days, you wake up and your AP is not the first thought in your head. You wake up, have coffee and then after 15 minutes you realize you haven't thought about them.

 

I'm not a big fan of having a pity party and embrace the grief. Don't allow your brain to engage in it. Don't negotiate with yourself. Hopeless situation, you can't/won't change it. If you both really wanted it, you'd throw everything away.

[Friskyone4u]

You are making excuse after excuse for not just blocking him from all you media and telling him you are done. And when your husband finds this out, and he will , it will devastate you marriage even further, especially since he is already suspicious. It will mean that you are lying to him on a daily basis.

 

Your therapist has told you to cut it off but you are not listening. You do not stay friends with affair partners . Period .

 

You don't want to hear that and you are going to ruin your marriage and break up your family if you don't get real

[A.Moscote]

Congratulation on choosing to end this affair yourself, it is a brave and respectful decision. Painful though it is, you did the right thing, for yourself at least, if not also for everything else you hold dear.

 

Contrary to Popsicle, I tend to advice on telling your husband. Surely there are disadvantages of doing so, but it could also pave the way to revive your relationship with your husband. It provides a chance for both of you to consciously reflect back on the marriage (the mistakes, weaknesses, strengths, potentials, etc). It also make it easier to incorporate the elements you crave or indulge from the affair right into your marriage. And there are tonnes of other benefits.

Of course you are the one wisest to your situation, it really is your decision, later when the timing is right. That's just my opinion, many people make it through either way anyway.

 

Right now however, it's all about detaching from your AP and safeguarding yourself from falling back into the affair. Control your emotions and feeling with your rational and conscience. It's going to be a challenging struggle, as you mentioned you are beginning to experience. Procrastinate whenever you have the urge to contact, and remind yourself of some of the pain and negatives of an affair.

 

Be especially careful and aware of some of the thoughts that always surface when in NC, we read about it here a lot. e.g. does he not think about you or miss you at all, was the relationship meant so little to him, is he meeting someone else or is now happy again with his wife. Those thoughts can really be troublesome and affect your conviction on getting better, and hence not getting better. Especially if you are struggling alone, beside an unaware husband, who could've instead be your real ally (yes, that is deliberate).

 

Be patient and optimist that you will get past this storm. Take a lot of time, at your own pace, and spend your thoughts and actions on the right direction. Don't beat yourself down or relent to something that you can't really control. Good luck on this journey Pinklotus, stick on it till the end.

[Pinklotus]

Here is the measuring stick of when you're healing. After about 7-8 days, you wake up and your AP is not the first thought in your head. You wake up, have coffee and then after 15 minutes you realize you haven't thought about them.

I'm not a big fan of having a pity party and embrace the grief. Don't allow your brain to engage in it. Don't negotiate with yourself. Hopeless situation, you can't/won't change it. If you both really wanted it, you'd throw everything away.

 

Hi, Cali, yes, I look forward to that. I noticed the time when we didn't speak for almost a week made a huge improvement in my mood. I feel good today. There are triggers at work, but they haven't derailed me. I know this is absolutely for the best. I had already made up my mind that I needed to work on my marriage and truly love my husband. I know that no could would have come of this in the end, even if I had left my marriage. I am thankful to have escaped. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

[Pinklotus]

Thank you, A. I am still considering disclosure but I'm not sure when. We are in MC and it is going really well right now. I would prefer to be honest.

 

I am not responding to his email from last night, and I will not ever respond to it. I am pretty sure he is going to leave things alone and just move on. There was nothing in the email to suggest otherwise. He said he understood and hoped things would work out for me and my husband. He was always the hot-cold one anyway and I think he'll move on without any trouble whatsoever.

 

Thank you for the kind words, advice, and encouragement. I know that sometimes out of the blue feelings can surface and surprise you, so I am on guard and continuing my individual counseling as well as the marriage counseling with my husband. I am telling myself daily, just as I did in my letter to MM, that I need to make healthy choices and focus on marriage and do everything possible to be a good spouse.

 

Thank you, thank you again.

 

 

Congratulation on choosing to end this affair yourself, it is a brave and respectful decision. Painful though it is, you did the right thing, for yourself at least, if not also for everything else you hold dear.

 

Contrary to Popsicle, I tend to advice on telling your husband. Surely there are disadvantages of doing so, but it could also pave the way to revive your relationship with your husband. It provides a chance for both of you to consciously reflect back on the marriage (the mistakes, weaknesses, strengths, potentials, etc). It also make it easier to incorporate the elements you crave or indulge from the affair right into your marriage. And there are tonnes of other benefits.

Of course you are the one wisest to your situation, it really is your decision, later when the timing is right. That's just my opinion, many people make it through either way anyway.

 

Right now however, it's all about detaching from your AP and safeguarding yourself from falling back into the affair. Control your emotions and feeling with your rational and conscience. It's going to be a challenging struggle, as you mentioned you are beginning to experience. Procrastinate whenever you have the urge to contact, and remind yourself of some of the pain and negatives of an affair.

 

Be especially careful and aware of some of the thoughts that always surface when in NC, we read about it here a lot. e.g. does he not think about you or miss you at all, was the relationship meant so little to him, is he meeting someone else or is now happy again with his wife. Those thoughts can really be troublesome and affect your conviction on getting better, and hence not getting better. Especially if you are struggling alone, beside an unaware husband, who could've instead be your real ally (yes, that is deliberate).

 

Be patient and optimist that you will get past this storm. Take a lot of time, at your own pace, and spend your thoughts and actions on the right direction. Don't beat yourself down or relent to something that you can't really control. Good luck on this journey Pinklotus, stick on it till the end.

[Bittersweetie]

anyone in nc if love to hear from you.

 

Take it one day at a time. Say, today I will not contact/google/obsess about him. When you feel the urge, do something else. You can be strong enough for one day!

[Pinklotus]

You are making excuse after excuse for not just blocking him from all you media and telling him you are done. And when your husband finds this out, and he will , it will devastate you marriage even further, especially since he is already suspicious. It will mean that you are lying to him on a daily basis.

 

Your therapist has told you to cut it off but you are not listening. You do not stay friends with affair partners . Period .

 

You don't want to hear that and you are going to ruin your marriage and break up your family if you don't get real

 

Hi Frisky,

 

Thank you for responding. I'm not sure if you read all of my posts. I am not going to be friends with the exMM. I have asked him to provide a letter of reference for me, as he used to be my boss, but left some time ago to work at another company. There will be no emailing, texting, calling, or any face to face contact whatsoever. I have not responded to the email he sent last night (even though he was very appropriate and accepted my decision) as I am sticking to my word. Any sort of ongoing discussion just keeps things going.

[Pinklotus]

Take it one day at a time. Say, today I will not contact/google/obsess about him. When you feel the urge, do something else. You can be strong enough for one day!

 

Thank you Bittersweetie! I feel good today. There is a sadness and ongoing sense of guilt and even failure on some level, but I am moving on. I waited almost a week to send him that email, and during that week I realized how much happier and calmer I felt. I realized I was ready to do this, had to do this, and wanted to do this. I realize there will be moments or days of difficulty and I will continue with my individual counseling. I remind myself of his history, despite all of his positive characteristics, he has real issues with serial cheating and dealing with his emotions. Bad news even if I were single and available. I love my husband and I want to make our marriage even better. The counseling has helped tremendously already. I feel that it will only get better as time goes on.

 

Thank you again for your kind words and advice.

[Pinklotus]

I am having a good day today but I am still thinking about xMM. I saw my counselor and she said give it time, the feelings will fade. I know that I don't even really want him. He's bad for me, the whole thing was bad, and I don't want to see him. I'm not even tempted to contact him.

 

I want my marriage to work, but I just wish I could stop thinking about him and the whole situation.

 

I love my husband and I hope that when I disclose (because I am moving in that direction) he will understand we can work it out.

 

Btw this was emotional only, no physical contact at all, no future talk and no I love yous. But I still feel the need to confess.

[FusionCutter]

I am having a good day today but I am still thinking about xMM. I saw my counselor and she said give it time, the feelings will fade. I know that I don't even really want him. He's bad for me, the whole thing was bad, and I don't want to see him. I'm not even tempted to contact him.

 

I want my marriage to work, but I just wish I could stop thinking about him and the whole situation.

 

I love my husband and I hope that when I disclose (because I am moving in that direction) he will understand we can work it out.

 

Btw this was emotional only, no physical contact at all, no future talk and no I love yous. But I still feel the need to confess.

 

Why don't you just consider yourself lucky. Look on the bright side of things.

[Pinklotus]

Why don't you just consider yourself lucky. Look on the bright side of things.

 

Well, yeah, but easier said than done. It's been five months of him. I'm trying to think with my brain and be rational like everybody says here. It's a battle sometimes.

[Poppy47]

I don't see how you can do MC and not be totally honest. How can that work? Not disclosing the A is still lying by omission.

 

I do wish you all the success in the world with NC. It will work eventually if you don't weaken. Avoiding everything that you ever shared with you AP is the only way to go.

It means you have to clean him out of your life, mind and heart COMPLETELY. If you do this wholeheartedly, without the pining and thinking "if only", then you will be the winner.

 

I have been NC now for 4 months. It took me 3 years to do it. Once I resolved to do it, it was much easier than I thought. The difference between this time and the times before? I REALLY REALLY wanted to get rid of him. He was wrecking me as a person and my life. It was a lot like quitting smoking really.

Warm wishes,

Poppy.

[A.Moscote]

Glad you have had a good day, seemed like another step forward for you, congrats. Surely you will have many more great days ahead, especially with that level of commitment and strength you have now.

 

Endure this bit that you still have to face, let it go slowly, don't force yourself. You shouldn't expect to just forget and let it all go in a flip, it's not nothing, it is something that has profoundly affect your life. So be patient, hold strictly on the NC, and remind yourself of your goals, you will make it through, like many here have. Just take your time and keep on learning and reflecting on your situation.

 

Be optimist and belief in your ability to move forward. You have all the time later, after you have recompose yourself, to work on your marriage, to make it much more satisfying and purposeful to your life than that affair. You are already on the right track anyway.

 

Peace be with you, good luck.

[Pinklotus]

I ended it, not him, but I almost feel like I need him to reject me. To tell me that he never really wanted me, there is no hope, or I'm not his type. Whatever. Just end this stupid infatuation or obsession or whatever it is. I think part of what kept me in the game was his endless ability to keep me hanging on without ever really rejecting me OR giving me enough hope. It was endless limbo.

 

I was doing so well, I felt I was ready for this. I did NC for almost a week before responding to him and ending it. And now I feel like I'm right back where I was when I started this thread.

 

AND...I was feeling the love, the "in love" not just the familiar old married love, for my husband again, up until today. And now I'm thinking of MM and feeling the same old conflict and guilt.

 

It will go away, right? If I was getting over it once, and feeling the love for my husband, it will happen again right? My therapist said not to expect a miracle recovery, that I need to grieve the lost relationship/fantasy that I was in.

 

I was not expecting this. I thought I was really ready to move on.

[FusionCutter]

I ended it, not him, but I almost feel like I need him to reject me. To tell me that he never really wanted me, there is no hope, or I'm not his type. Whatever. Just end this stupid infatuation or obsession or whatever it is. I think part of what kept me in the game was his endless ability to keep me hanging on without ever really rejecting me OR giving me enough hope. It was endless limbo.

 

I was doing so well, I felt I was ready for this. I did NC for almost a week before responding to him and ending it. And now I feel like I'm right back where I was when I started this thread.

 

AND...I was feeling the love, the "in love" not just the familiar old married love, for my husband again, up until today. And now I'm thinking of MM and feeling the same old conflict and guilt.

 

It will go away, right? If I was getting over it once, and feeling the love for my husband, it will happen again right? My therapist said not to expect a miracle recovery, that I need to grieve the lost relationship/fantasy that I was in.

 

I was not expecting this. I thought I was really ready to move on.

 

Pinklotus. Did this really need a new thread? I have a suggestion. Maybe take a break from Loveshack. I find it helps. Honestly being here puts you thinking about him. You closed the book on him when you called NC. Stick with it. Close this chapter of your life and move on. The more you wallow in it the worse it gets.

[herself]

Its okay, you are ready, its just scary because it feels so final and of course your going to greivevand yearn for his contact.

I know this aweful feeling you have like the back of my hand.

Its a roller coaster of ups and downs...but it does get easier.

The anticipating his letter of reference is also keeping you holding on.

Also Im sure a small part of you hoped he would ask you not to go?

Either way you looked strong and Im sure he respected you so much for making that move.

It would look weak and sad if you went back on it and you would hurt the most.

Bonding back with my hubby was slow but it really happened.

Its like we were dating again and I saw what putting all my heart and energy into him could accomplish.

Your heart and mind are trained to focus on him...gotta retrain them.

Your doing great...no turning back girl...chin up.

Plan a date this weekend with hubby!

You are fine. Be proud.

[Pinklotus]

Thank you so much, Herself. I really appreciate that. I feel like I wasn't honest with him in my nc letter and that bothers me. I tried to do the type of letter that my therapist recommended: to the point, with focus on marriage and husband, not focus on feelings for MM or admitting hurt or pain. So that is what I did.

 

You're right about everything. It's so true about focusing on him. I used to know everything about what he's doing, right down to what he had for lunch. He confided in me about very personal things and vice versa. As well as the inside jokes, shared observations about so many things, you know what I'm talking about. It's like I think he's "the one" or the right man of me and of course he isn't, because we are both married and he has frankly been hot cold and hard to read from the get go. And nice in his emails. I wish he'd be more of a jerk, then I could hate him.

 

Thanks again. Did you confess? I haven't yet and I don't know if I will, but I may have to in order to move forward.

 

 

 

 

Its okay, you are ready, its just scary because it feels so final and of course your going to greivevand yearn for his contact.

I know this aweful feeling you have like the back of my hand.

Its a roller coaster of ups and downs...but it does get easier.

The anticipating his letter of reference is also keeping you holding on.

Also Im sure a small part of you hoped he would ask you not to go?

Either way you looked strong and Im sure he respected you so much for making that move.

It would look weak and sad if you went back on it and you would hurt the most.

Bonding back with my hubby was slow but it really happened.

Its like we were dating again and I saw what putting all my heart and energy into him could accomplish.

Your heart and mind are trained to focus on him...gotta retrain them.

Your doing great...no turning back girl...chin up.

Plan a date this weekend with hubby!

You are fine. Be proud.

[Pinklotus]

Pinklotus. Did this really need a new thread? I have a suggestion. Maybe take a break from Loveshack. I find it helps. Honestly being here puts you thinking about him. You closed the book on him when you called NC. Stick with it. Close this chapter of your life and move on. The more you wallow in it the worse it gets.

 

You know, Fusion, I was nice to you when you were posting about your MW. If you're bored with my problems, don't read about them.

 

Yes, I thought it needed a new thread. Because I needed immediate feedback or I was really ready to contact him and spill my guts. Instead I did it here, so maybe now I will be able to get thru tonight.

 

Staying off LS may not be a bad idea, though.

[herself]

Thank you so much, Herself. I really appreciate that. I feel like I wasn't honest with him in my nc letter and that bothers me. I tried to do the type of letter that my therapist recommended: to the point, with focus on marriage and husband, not focus on feelings for MM or admitting hurt or pain. So that is what I did.

 

You're right about everything. It's so true about focusing on him. I used to know everything about what he's doing, right down to what he had for lunch. He confided in me about very personal things and vice versa. As well as the inside jokes, shared observations about so many things, you know what I'm talking about. It's like I think he's "the one" or the right man of me and of course he isn't, because we are both married and he has frankly been hot cold and hard to read from the get go. And nice in his emails. I wish he'd be more of a jerk, then I could hate him.

 

Thanks again. Did you confess? I haven't yet and I don't know if I will, but I may have to in order to move forward.

 

Yes we had an identical bond, very very close knowing eachothers secrets and feelings and big professions of "love" "best friend"

Im shocked how long I was swept away in it...a total cloud 9.

But alas I did not and will not ever confess.

You will hear lots of pushing to confess.

Its a personal choice its not right for everyone and I wont let anyone steer that choice for me.

Its my marriage.

Your doing good.

[MayP]

Pinklotus: You already stepped out (in a way). No need to put your foot back in. You want it to look like you ended it and you did. You are the stronger one, you are the one to make the cut, you made him feel small. Don't reveal.

 

Just a comment. I asked a friend what to say in a NC email to end it. I did carefully considered when you ask me about it. She said, there isn't a need to write even. Just fade away, go longer on replies, don't initiate emails. She knows me tooooooo well. Because if I am to write that email, I would expect a reply? Reply (1) Yes, let's end it. Reply (2) No, please don't go bla bla bla.

Either ways, it doesn't do me good. I could be simply seeking attention. I need to go the fade out method.