would like to hear from women how you explicitly define value of emotional connection

[mohhoss213]

One of main concerns is my difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings, especially if it is associated with love or any other emotive connotations. I always draw a blank when trying to think about the deeper meaning of love or just connecting my emotions to my thoughts. Consequently, I may not understand the emotional expectations of a woman in the context of a relationship. I guess my thing is I try to think too intellectually about this subject, but that's just the way my mind works. I have mild Asperger's, so it's a lifetime progress and effort to deal with the mental block to be emotionally aware, emotionally process and understand not only my feelings but also the feelings from my partner. I'm sure I will eventually gain better emotional understanding, but I feel that natural inclination will always be there. I've noted a lot of women equate intimacy with love and intimacy for them is achieved through the value of an emotional connection. What type of value are we exactly talking about? I appreciate all your perspectives, hope to engage in feedback and learn to gain some new insight on this subject.

[todreaminblue]

if you cant connect on an emotional level how can it be love?

[mohhoss213]

if you cant connect on an emotional level how can it be love?

 

I concur with that sentiment. I never said that I felt it was impossible. It's that just because I can't always clearly express my feelings or always understand/relate to the level of my partner's emotional needs doesn't mean I don't care. It's just my unique mental works and I'll have some good days and bad days throughout my life while trying to overcomr that block to gain emotional intelligence. Hence, why I'm just posting this question to gauge the feedback and see if I can take away anything from what people say.

[Miss Match]

I'm slightly confused by the question also.

[mohhoss213]

Can you possibly expand on this question? Are you asking us to quantify value?

 

Yes I apologize that it was a little unclear. I meant quantify it into words.

[Miss Match]

So... are you asking us to put into words the feelings of emotional connection?

[mohhoss213]

So... are you asking us to put into words the feelings of emotional connection?

 

Yes basically just put it into words thrle feelings an emotional connection evokes to you and also, in your mind what kind of value does an emotional connection provide?

[Miss Match]

Yes basically just put it into words thrle feelings an emotional connection evokes to you and also, in your mind what kind of value does an emotional connection provide?

 

The emotional connection I have with my partner makes me feel safe and understood. It makes me feel valued, important and that I make a big difference to someones happiness. I feel treasured and content.

 

The value is huge. Without the above feelings happening everyday, I would eventually start to question what intrinsic value I personally bought to the relationship that any other woman couldn't provide. Why being with ME is important.

[todreaminblue]

I concur with that sentiment. I never said that I felt it was impossible. It's that just because I can't always clearly express my feelings or always understand/relate to the level of my partner's emotional needs doesn't mean I don't care. It's just my unique mental works and I'll have some good days and bad days throughout my life while trying to overcomr that block to gain emotional intelligence. Hence, why I'm just posting this question to gauge the feedback and see if I can take away anything from what people say.

 

 

emotive responses cant be valued or really quantified..or deemed right or wrong or lacking or over abundant.depends on the person the situation history or none of the above.....if you feel emotionally inept the best way to gauge emotional response is to put yourself in an emotional situation......or to see emotion......you need to be in it to feel it.......i am struggling with your question it is ambiguous, is it even a question?..or more a statement of you.......deb

[mohhoss213]

The emotional connection I have with my partner makes me feel safe and understood. It makes me feel valued, important and that I make a big difference to someones happiness. I feel treasured and content.

 

The value is huge. Without the above feelings happening everyday, I would eventually start to question what intrinsic value I personally bought to the relationship that any other woman couldn't provide. Why being with ME is important.

 

That's a different kind of safety from financial security? I guess when a lot guys like me can't easily equate emotional connection with safety, they look to the role as a provider to provide safety. For a long time, I used to think that way because my brain mostly operates in pragmatic manner and this logically made sense to me. But, it sounds like you're saying that woman's relationship with others are more connected to her emotions, more so than men? Also, by nature a woman's emotions holds more weight with her thoughts. So, by association that support from her relationships plays a bigger role in her thoughts about herself and others. Also, you're saying that connection makes a woman feel important because it allows her to become part of a bigger journey than herself? If she has that assurance of feeling understood, it allows her to open up completely and experience the growing opportunities and pains life has to offer with that backdrop of support? I, for the most part, am instinctively different in that regard because I like to keep to myself and experience growth through internally dealing with stuff in my mind. I guess if everyone just handled their problems themselves, it would be stressful and emotionally taxing. So, you're entailing that there is more reward involved in an emotional connection? Also, I believe in a healthy relationship, both parties come in feeling complete about their worth and intrinsic value. But, I guess when you're emotionally invested in someone, it's natural to think how their actions reflect on you. If that connection isn't there, do you feel less valued as a person and feel more like you're just there to perform or fulfill some function or duties? I hope if I explain my deficiencies in emotional awareness and perception, a woman would be more willing to explain her reasoning explicitly like you did. Hopefully, she'll have the patience to explain it often because something like this is just a learned behavior that is a lifetime of work and progress for me. I guess I have to do my part to and keep the honesty and communication open so she at least feels my behavior is not due to neglect or insensitivity.

[mohhoss213]

It's impossible for me to describe being in love and feeling loved. It's warmth, home, desire, passion, bonding, affection, and on. He looks, smells and feels great. He's my heart.

 

I guess for me I can't really feel like I can relate to someone unless I gauge in an in-depth analysis of their motivations behind their feelings and desires. How else are you supposed to have your needs understood? I mean guys and girls have differing abilities to relate their emotions to their thoughts.

[mohhoss213]

emotive responses cant be valued or really quantified..or deemed right or wrong or lacking or over abundant.depends on the person the situation history or none of the above.....if you feel emotionally inept the best way to gauge emotional response is to put yourself in an emotional situation......or to see emotion......you need to be in it to feel it.......i am struggling with your question it is ambiguous, is it even a question?..or more a statement of you.......deb

 

Well I gave some statements about me as background information, but this is essentially the essence of my question: just put it into words the feelings an emotional connection evokes to you and also, in your mind what kind of value does an emotional connection provide? I agree that part of it is just personally putting myself in situations like that. It's not like I haven't, but like I said my mental block to overcome is probably a lot more than most people. It'll be a lifetime worth of progress and work in regards to emotional management and perception.

[Miss Match]

That's a different kind of safety from financial security?

 

Yes, much different.

 

If that connection isn't there, do you feel less valued as a person and feel more like you're just there to perform or fulfill some function or duties?

 

Perhaps, yes. I haven't really stayed in a relationship for very long with someone i didn't have an "emotional connection" with, as you put it.

 

I hope if I explain my deficiencies in emotional awareness and perception, a woman would be more willing to explain her reasoning explicitly like you did. Hopefully, she'll have the patience to explain it often because something like this is just a learned behavior that is a lifetime of work and progress for me. I guess I have to do my part to and keep the honesty and communication open so she at least feels my behavior is not due to neglect or insensitivity.

 

This is pretty much it. It's about communication. Being vulnerable. Supporting and helping each other be the best you can be.

 

What are the specific issues you are facing with your partner with this? I think if you talked more about the things you are facing rather than trying to gain insight from looking at things theoretically, it might be easier for us posters to help you.

 

Could you also please press enter/return and make separate paragraphs when you type. Your block writing is hard to read.

thx.

[MissBee]

I concur with that sentiment. I never said that I felt it was impossible. It's that just because I can't always clearly express my feelings or always understand/relate to the level of my partner's emotional needs doesn't mean I don't care. It's just my unique mental works and I'll have some good days and bad days throughout my life while trying to overcomr that block to gain emotional intelligence. Hence, why I'm just posting this question to gauge the feedback and see if I can take away anything from what people say.

 

The way I see it is that, like everyone else, you have to date women who understand you and who are compatible with you and can work with you.

 

Different women require different levels of emotional intimacy. It's not a one size fits all. So with your particular style and limitations, all you can do is be honest with women about it and hopefully you will find a woman who understands it or doesn't require a level of emotional connection that would be particularly difficult for you.

 

Me for example: dating an emotionally intelligent man is important to me and I would be extremely frustrated and would probably end up feeling dissatisfied and unloved if the man I'm with couldn't express his emotions and feelings or get mine. I am a very emotionally transparent person and while most men I've dated aren't nearly as transparent, the closer they are to being that way the better I bond with them. That's me though. Not every woman is that way.

 

So it all comes down to being honest about where you are, how you think and feel and what you're working on and I'm sure there are women out there for whom it wouldn't be a problem.

[spiderowl]

A woman will want you to try to understand her feelings and to listen to her. If she is unhappy, be kind and warm, but listen. Let her talk about her problems without you offering solutions.

 

You will need to listen to what she says. If she says she thinks you are being unkind or do not understand, then perhaps there is a hint that you are viewing something rationally and not taking in the emotional dimension.

 

For example:

 

Suppose you have been waiting to pick your partner up from somewhere but they are very late. They have not warned you and you are feeling annoyed about it. When they arrive, they get in the car and do not apologise for being so late. How do you feel? You might feel annoyed, upset that they did not apologise and also irked that they did not appear to understand they were late.

 

So, your partner has to deal with several issues. She/he has to deal with the rational side of things: they were late, it's a fact. They need to acknowledge that fact. The polite way to behave in society is to apologise for being late, so they need to do that. OK so far, if they do this.

 

But, there is another dimension, the emotional aspect. You are annoyed, that is an emotional reaction. How is your partner going to deal with that? Acknowledging what they've done might make you feel less annoyed. Apologising might also reduce that tense irritation. Being kind and sweet to you might make you feel more positive towards them too. If they then offer to help you with something to make up for being late or say something amusing that makes you laugh, that would further diffuse the annoyed feeling.

 

By doing these things, the partner is dealing with the emotional aspects as well as the rational ones.

 

Basically, you need to listen to your partner and realise that there is always two dimensions to every interaction, rational and emotional. Perhaps practising picking out the two and handling them in mutually satisfactory ways would help.

 

I have a friend whose partner had Asperger's. She often felt cold in their home. He (rationally) wanted to keep the heating bills down and told her that's why the heating was low. She tried many ways to get across to him that she was unhappy and suffering from cold, but keeping the heating bills down was the rational approach to him. He was ignoring the emotional (and physical comfort) side of the issue for his partner. They are now divorced! If he'd have considered both aspects important and listened to her, things might have gone much better. People need to feel cared for on rational, emotional and physical levels.

[todreaminblue]

A woman will want you to try to understand her feelings and to listen to her. If she is unhappy, be kind and warm, but listen. Let her talk about her problems without you offering solutions.

 

You will need to listen to what she says. If she says she thinks you are being unkind or do not understand, then perhaps there is a hint that you are viewing something rationally and not taking in the emotional dimension.

 

For example:

 

Suppose you have been waiting to pick your partner up from somewhere but they are very late. They have not warned you and you are feeling annoyed about it. When they arrive, they get in the car and do not apologise for being so late. How do you feel? You might feel annoyed, upset that they did not apologise and also irked that they did not appear to understand they were late.

 

So, your partner has to deal with several issues. She/he has to deal with the rational side of things: they were late, it's a fact. They need to acknowledge that fact. The polite way to behave in society is to apologise for being late, so they need to do that. OK so far, if they do this.

 

But, there is another dimension, the emotional aspect. You are annoyed, that is an emotional reaction. How is your partner going to deal with that? Acknowledging what they've done might make you feel less annoyed. Apologising might also reduce that tense irritation. Being kind and sweet to you might make you feel more positive towards them too. If they then offer to help you with something to make up for being late or say something amusing that makes you laugh, that would further diffuse the annoyed feeling.

 

By doing these things, the partner is dealing with the emotional aspects as well as the rational ones.

 

Basically, you need to listen to your partner and realise that there is always two dimensions to every interaction, rational and emotional. Perhaps practising picking out the two and handling them in mutually satisfactory ways would help.

 

I have a friend whose partner had Asperger's. She often felt cold in their home. He (rationally) wanted to keep the heating bills down and told her that's why the heating was low. She tried many ways to get across to him that she was unhappy and suffering from cold, but keeping the heating bills down was the rational approach to him. He was ignoring the emotional (and physical comfort) side of the issue for his partner. They are now divorced! If he'd have considered both aspects important and listened to her, things might have gone much better. People need to feel cared for on rational, emotional and physical levels.

 

i think divorce was severe for heating being the opening contention.........she could have worn a snuggly a blanket and seven jumpers a beanie and bed socks.....in saying that it would hamper making love in the bedroom.....i think he would have been more open to a heater if he faced every night sleeping next to a wooly mammoth .....pro active visuals for him to see.....deb

[quankanne]

Yes basically just put it into words thrle feelings an emotional connection evokes to you and also, in your mind what kind of value does an emotional connection provide?

 

it's not the best analogy, but the one that comes to mind readily: Think of the pleasure you get out of eating your favorite meal or food. While it physically satisfies your needs, there's a strong emotional/psychological enjoyment from eating it too – so much that it becomes your favorite, right?

 

an emotional connection is a lot like that ... what is routine becomes ramped up because there is more depth to it. It enhances a relationship because there *is* a spark, a connection. Everything becomes more meaningful, from casual conversation (you enjoy hearing the sound of their voice because it's pleasing to you) to how they look (ever notice how when someone falls in love, their beloved becomes the most beautiful person ever, to them?) to what you feel. The depth that connection brings is incredible, and makes the mundane something very unique.

[travelbug1996]

An emothional connection is built with my man when he seeks to empathize with me whether he understands my feelings or not. He cares about what I want, need and desire when I'm "in" my feelings. He doesn't try to solve my issues but seeks to understand. A really important question he asks is "is there anything you need from me"?. Most times its usually a hug, his company or his ear.

 

I build a connection with my man when he shares his experiences, vulnerabilities and concerns or fears about life, love, family, God etc.

 

IMO the connection is built through compassion and care. Just nice to have a man that cares about my feelings.

 

The last one would withdraw and shutdown if I emoted in any way that made him uncomfortable. I had to hurry up and leave that relationship. He was not in touch with his own feelings and I realized that there was no way he could handle mine.

 

I used to be so shutdown emotionally but one day my heart softened and I started to feel everything. All the good and bad alike. Its nice:)

[todreaminblue]

Well I gave some statements about me as background information, but this is essentially the essence of my question: just put it into words the feelings an emotional connection evokes to you and also, in your mind what kind of value does an emotional connection provide? I agree that part of it is just personally putting myself in situations like that. It's not like I haven't, but like I said my mental block to overcome is probably a lot more than most people. It'll be a lifetime worth of progress and work in regards to emotional management and perception.

 

 

as a woman who suffers displacement for any guy to emotionally connect with me is quite hard.....a guy would have to understand my heart is guarded...and why it is guarded ..that is why i seek out compassionate guys.....a guy who i can and would trust with my heart......who would give me the time i need to relax into him.....and his ways before i show him mine...to do this i need to be a guys friend first.....work out his communication style and understand how he reacts to certain situations, how he would treat me or eb there for me and then i can slowly come out of my shell.....and feel safe......and yeah it has a history of getting broken pretty quickly.....

 

 

to be emotionally connected to a guy he has to be able to handle my heart.....to see through walls....pretty rare for a guy to be able to do that...so i havent really emotionally connected to a guy successfully for either they break my heart or they ridicule it........we go back to friendship.....and they stay there.....to be emotionally connected the guy has to be compassionate and understanding for me..........and if i can show my spiritual heart well theres an eternity to be had of knowing me....poor guy.,........not really realistic ..the stuff of dreams soppy ones lol......i live in hope......i dont think i am easy to know.....and theres reasons.....so i am not surprised emotionally connecting is elusive for me...shhh dont tell my heart she savors the dream....so poetry is the answer.....the dream in a silent hearts words....becomes more black and white ...more penguin like ..with an emotive pebble....i have a collection of pebbled poetry........deb

[spiderowl]

i think divorce was severe for heating being the opening contention.........she could have worn a snuggly a blanket and seven jumpers a beanie and bed socks.....in saying that it would hamper making love in the bedroom.....i think he would have been more open to a heater if he faced every night sleeping next to a wooly mammoth .....pro active visuals for him to see.....deb

 

It wasn't the only issue but not listening to her feelings and taking them seriously when they differed from his logical view of things was.

[spiderowl]

Don't be so quick to lump all women into this barrel. Some of us aren't like this, preferring the give and take of solutions.

 

Frankly, this would drive me nuts if someone tried to manipulate my emotions, especially when I'm annoyed. It makes me want to cut them.

 

The most simple solution would have been to put on a sweater and if that's not enough, put on some socks and ankle booties.

 

No, I'm not an aspie but I am very practical and solutions oriented. I do understand what you're attempting to communicate where the emotional climate matters but bear in mind that not all women are a bundle of emotions.

 

I agree that not all women are a bundle of emotions and wasn't trying to sound patronising. I do take your point. I was talking to a guy in this instance and trying to illustrate that there is more than one dimension to any issue. An Aspie would not necessarily spot them all. I know because I have two in my family. I speak from experience! Even Aspies do get annoyed and are not always purely rational.

[spiderowl]

"The most simple solution would have been to put on a sweater and if that's not enough, put on some socks and ankle booties."

 

Actually, she had done all that and was still suffering. The point was he ignored her suffering no matter what. This happened over many issues not just one, hence the divorce. You cannot ignore someone's unhappiness with impunity. Some people feel the cold more than others. Ultimately, that person is going to leave rather than put up with it. Is that a desired outcome in a marriage?

[spiderowl]

as a woman who suffers displacement for any guy to emotionally connect with me is quite hard.....a guy would have to understand my heart is guarded...and why it is guarded ..that is why i seek out compassionate guys.....a guy who i can and would trust with my heart......who would give me the time i need to relax into him.....and his ways before i show him mine...to do this i need to be a guys friend first.....work out his communication style and understand how he reacts to certain situations, how he would treat me or eb there for me and then i can slowly come out of my shell.....and feel safe......and yeah it has a history of getting broken pretty quickly.....

 

 

to be emotionally connected to a guy he has to be able to handle my heart.....to see through walls....pretty rare for a guy to be able to do that...so i havent really emotionally connected to a guy successfully for either they break my heart or they ridicule it........we go back to friendship.....and they stay there.....to be emotionally connected the guy has to be compassionate and understanding for me..........and if i can show my spiritual heart well theres an eternity to be had of knowing me....poor guy.,........not really realistic ..the stuff of dreams soppy ones lol......i live in hope......i dont think i am easy to know.....and theres reasons.....so i am not surprised emotionally connecting is elusive for me...shhh dont tell my heart she savors the dream....so poetry is the answer.....the dream in a silent hearts words....becomes more black and white ...more penguin like ..with an emotive pebble....i have a collection of pebbled poetry........deb

 

I hate to say this, because you have tried to explain so well what an emotional connection means, but the Aspies I know would not understand this at all, especially the bits about 'seeing through walls' and 'the dream in silent words'. I'm sure Aspies are not all alike, but I can assure you that the ones I know would be lost there or would find it unnecessarily poetic. They think very much like Mr Spock or the character Data from sci-fi progs. Can you imagine what either of those characters would make of the above? They would need an extra 'plug-in' to process it. It's a shame, I know, but a poet would be able to pick up on your meaning much more easily.

Edited August 18, 2014 by spiderowl