KarlaB Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 How do you all handle the silence? My husband is out of town this weekend and i suspect another woman but he won't respond to my text messages. While u know the marriage is over the not talking to him kills me. I know soon enough this will be an everyday reality. How do I deal?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Wish my ex-wife would have done me the same favor! The silence would have been a nice change from some of the gaslighting, blame shifting and BS. Unless you're trying to communicate with him regarding an urgent matter involving kids, house, etc., let it go. Take something from AA (maybe we need DA?) - don't think about the rest of your life, work on getting through today. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 Thanks Lucky I am such a F'ing hot mess tonight with the not knowing what is going one. Maybe that is the control person in me. My mind goes to all over the place and I just lose it in front of my son who is wondering WTF is going on. UGH.. great example I am being. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) Are the two of you separated? If not, him not answering your calls or texts is completely inexcusable. If the two of you are still together as a couple and there's been no talk of ending the marriage, then I'd spend the weekend unceremoniously packing all his things in plastic garbage bags and putting them out on the front lawn. That should get his attention loud and clear. Edited August 10, 2014 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 Well we are divorcing but still in the same house but separate rooms. The marriage is over and I know it shouldn't matter anymore what he is doing but yet it does. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) I have to say that if he were living under the same roof as me, he would not be going off for a weekend and doing as he pleases. If he can't be more respectful of the situation, he needs to move out. You both also need to come up with a plan as to who has responsibity for your son on weekends. Your husband is acting like you're his hired nanny and that idea needs to be burned to the ground immediately. And you have GOT to stop calling him. That is quite simply the most ineffective way in the world to deal with a man. Just remind yourself that every time you do that, you're diminishing yourself. It's time to dig deep within yourself and put aside your sadness and pain and find your self respect. It should be pissing you off royally right now that someone is treating you in such a way. Forget all that crap about how you never intended for your marriage to come to this, how is it going to affect your son, all that. It's a pointless exercise that you simply cannot afford right now. Also, please stop getting emotional in your son's presence. You are the parent and it's up to you to be strong for him. You simply cannot let yourself fall apart. Your little boy needs you more than ever now. He needs for you to be the adult. Another word of advice. Don't do anything at all that even resembles you abandoning your son, or you could lose custody of him. If you move out and go to your mom's (for instance), your son goes, too. It's always best, though, if you stay in the home you're in with your son and get your husband to move out. The divorce courts don't give a fig about the parents. All they're concerned about is the stability in the child's life, and who his main caregiver is. They often see leaving the home with the child as a senseless disruption to the child. All I'm really trying to say is to not give your husband or the courts any ammunition to use against you. Anyway, I'll get off the soapbox. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Edited August 10, 2014 by bathtub-row 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Btw, if I were you, I'd make it a point not to be home when your husband gets back from his vacation weekend. If you have a friend or relative you can spend time with, I'd do that. The last thing I'd be doing is sitting at home waiting for him like a hurt puppy. That's what he's expecting you to do. Throw him a curveball and give him a taste of his own medicine. Make him wonder where you are and if he calls or texts you, don't answer him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 Thanks for the advice. If I wasn't here when he came home I don't think it would phase him a bit. He is done caring about me. But your right, I am waiting around like a hurt puppy dog. He would be thrilled to move out just not sure we can financially afford that but even if he did I can see me sitting around and wonder what he is doing. UGH.. Thanks again for the advice. I do need to find my self respect as I think it's been lost for quite some time. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Thanks for the advice. If I wasn't here when he came home I don't think it would phase him a bit. He is done caring about me. But your right, I am waiting around like a hurt puppy dog. He would be thrilled to move out just not sure we can financially afford that but even if he did I can see me sitting around and wonder what he is doing. UGH.. Thanks again for the advice. I do need to find my self respect as I think it's been lost for quite some time. Ok, my point is that if he can't afford to move out, then he needs to either be respectful of the situation and treat it as the marriage it currently is, or go find a buddy to live with, or a bridge to live under. He should not be seeing or dating anyone while the two of you are still under the same roof. Period. I'd get that straight with him right away. If he refuses, throw him out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Well I have asked him to move out. All the texting and going out to make phone calls only adds to the fact he has someone else he is seeing when he goes out of town and I can't handle it all be so in my face. Since our house is up for sale he can't really take a whole lot, shows better with stuff but we do have a place that rents by the month and is furnished. Asked him to call and check it out and we will discuss how to afford it. All this makes me want to puke. What he doesnt realize is I can get nasty about all of this and get more than what we agreed upon for child support and then get spousal support if I want it so he best not piss me off more. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Ok, my point is that if he can't afford to move out, then he needs to either be respectful of the situation and treat it as the marriage it currently is, or go find a buddy to live with, or a bridge to live under. He should not be seeing or dating anyone while the two of you are still under the same roof. Period. I'd get that straight with him right away. If he refuses, throw him out. He does not "need" to do any of those things. He can do as he pleases. You can't simply throw someone out of their home. He has as much legal right to live in the property as the OP does. She can't throw him out and he does not need to do anything she says. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, unless he is violent or otherwise presents a danger to you or any children present. Progress the divorce, get a financial resolution and formalize how the proceeds of the house will be split, and then you will have a course of action. But at the moment... sure you can ask him to move out, but there's not a lot you can do if he simply says "no". Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Peg he will go because that is what he wants. We have had discussions about it so I think it will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Yeah I remember from the other thread Just correcting the poster above, that you can't actually kick someone out of the marital home. If he changes his mind and decides to stay then there's not a lot you can do about it. Hopefully he will go though, because it will make your life a lot better! Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Ugh, calming your mind in the Black Hole of silence is the WORST!!!!! But it is not a real problem. Therefore you only need superficial solutions. Short-term band-aids. What you are going through is a form of anxiety. Your own anxiety is the problem, and THAT, you have control over. From the outside, you have no real problem. Divorce in progress, broken relationship ending, husband will move out when he can, future waiting. Your only problem is your own mind reeling because (of all things) the other guy in the broken relationship is not responding to your texts. It's a control thing and a grieving thing-- he's really gone?? No reply to your texts, as if you are a stranger? How WEIRD is that? Very eerie. Loss is very eerie. That's all it is, loss. But in this case, loss is good. It's better than not losing him. This way, you have a future. But you know all that. So how do you deal with the black hole of silence? You need to take care of yourself. What did you used to do before you were with him? I recommend something physically overwhelming every couple days, that you schedule. Hot yoga was my thing (not for everyone). Swimming can be excellent too. Get a massage. Exercise can be tough because it takes effort and you probably don't wanna do anything except sit and wait for him to text. Take a walk every single day that you can. I cannot tell you how much walks help me. Again, you won't want to. You won't want to do anything second-best to having him call you. Do it anyway. Take it from me, I am the crowned queen of anxiety and stubbornly sitting in a chair until my impossible problem is solved. I don't want to do any stupid weak band-aid, I want the problem solved NOW! I have been through eternities of silence from a guy who doles out the old silent treatment. Take walks. Do you have an audiobook account? I download audiobooks on my phone and put in headphones and push the toddler in his stroller. Take baby steps. Paint a painting. But the baby-step version would be to go buy a canvas and then be happy with yourself that you "started" your painting. Get the paints and brushes the next day. I don't care how ugly your painting is. If it's ugly, paint over it. Then paint over the whole thing with three different whites. Next time you are in public and there is a jerk, snub them. Enjoy your inner ice queen for a few moments. Remember that you, too, can sometimes choose not to engage with people you don't want to engage with. Every time you do one of these things, you reinforce that the whole point is you getting yourself out of the black hole of silence. Not him. If he does it, you're just right back in the black hole of his relationship. You have the power to solve your one remaining problem: Your own mind giving you pain from the loss. You need to know that this WILL END. The pain will end, it just will. Think about it: In five years, when you have not talked to him for a day, will you really care? No! In two years? One? Two months? It will end. You're just not in your own future yet, is your problem. Keep posting. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 jkrbbt can I just say OMG you hit the nail on the head. I don't even want to go to the store! I haven't been to the store in weeks. I know I have to find me again and your right, I need to do some sort of baby step. Audiobooks are a good idea. I also need to exercise and lose weight which is another reason my self esteem is in the ****ter. I want to say thank you so much for that pep talk it's exactly what I needed and I have a feeling I will be reading it many times over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 I have a feeling I will be reading it many times over. It's great advice but don't read it, do it! What one small thing will you do tomorrow to start (and yes, we will be checking up on you ) ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 Thanks Lucky I am gonna hold you to that! For the first night in a long time I am not feeling too much anxiety tonight. I was gone for a bit of it, looking for a townhouse to buy when this one sells, and then has some good friendly conversation with stbx now he is in bed and maybe I will get some sleep for the first night in a long time.. probably not but I feel okay tonight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 He does not "need" to do any of those things. He can do as he pleases. You can't simply throw someone out of their home. He has as much legal right to live in the property as the OP does. She can't throw him out and he does not need to do anything she says. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, unless he is violent or otherwise presents a danger to you or any children present. Progress the divorce, get a financial resolution and formalize how the proceeds of the house will be split, and then you will have a course of action. But at the moment... sure you can ask him to move out, but there's not a lot you can do if he simply says "no". Ok, to clarify, she can either insist that he stop dating and being obvious about being with other women, or he can move out. If he doesn't want to move out, then she and her son can move out. She doesn't need to stand around in torture watching her husband behave in such an obvious way. And she isn't is his paid nanny. So, if he isn't decent enough to either stop his nonsense in her presence or move out, then, yeah, she should move out. Either way, she doesn't have to be around this pathetic, heartless ass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Ok, to clarify, she can either insist that he stop dating and being obvious about being with other women, or he can move out. If he doesn't want to move out, then she and her son can move out. She doesn't need to stand around in torture watching her husband behave in such an obvious way. And she isn't is his paid nanny. So, if he isn't decent enough to either stop his nonsense in her presence or move out, then, yeah, she should move out. Either way, she doesn't have to be around this pathetic, heartless ass. The above is the reason I moved out so fast. DDay was 8/17/12, I was in my own place by 9/1/12 for the same reason of what the OP is dealing with. My XW wanted to date, carry on, and get drunk w/ her effed up friends and she has the nerve to tell me NOT to move out and stay there as long as I need to...yeah right! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Moving out of the marital home without a financial resolution in the context of a divorce, can have serious consequences on how the assets of the marriage are split. I would not advise anyone to move out without talking to a lawyer about the consequences, unless the situation is totally unbearable, or there is a danger of violence etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Moving out of the marital home without a financial resolution in the context of a divorce, can have serious consequences on how the assets of the marriage are split. I would not advise anyone to move out without talking to a lawyer about the consequences, unless the situation is totally unbearable, or there is a danger of violence etc. Agreed Pete! DDay was on 8/17/12, I had a custody and property agreement in place when I filed on 8/27/12. If you can tough it out until there's an agreement great, but if it's too much to deal with no amount of money would have made me stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Take baby steps. Thanks Lucky I am gonna hold you to that! Consider this your daily check in . What small thing will you do today to move forward? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 I've got my eye on you too KarlaB! I hope you do something for your happiness today even if it takes only three seconds and doesn't seem to work. And if you don't do it, don't feel like it's a chore-- forgive yourself and try the next day. Me, I prepared an upstairs room for painting last night by putting tape around the edges. I listened to the radio and my kid played on the floor. I tell you this because at the time it didn't seem blissful or anything, but now looking back, it is a very happy little memory. I wanted to paint that room and now I'm doing it-- every step is like a happy memory. Every time your ex talks to you and is nice, you will feel on top of the world and all will seem fine. And I'm not knocking it-- you should have those breaks from misery! But the problem remains: When he retreats, you will freak out. But I have figured out a little trick: Even when all is well, sneak in a little thing that you do by yourself, for yourself. It took me a long time to figure that one out. Once you do enough of those in between the bad times, the silent treatments will lose a lot of their power over you. I think you need to move on, mourn at the funeral but don't go and dig the corpse out of the grave. Your pain is a part of moving on, it's a good sign. My little "pain killers" are not strictly necessary-- but they are better than clinging to your ex. You have three choices that I can see: Feel the pain, take the pain killers, or cling to the corpse and pretend there isn't any loss. Me, I'd pick the pain killers. But the pain is a fine option too. I just don't want to see you becoming the corpse bride for another couple years. The reason it is nice to check up on you, is you appear to be in a very promising place right now, though you don't seem to know it yet. Good luck, keep coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KarlaB Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 (edited) Jakrbbt you seem to know what to say. Yes while last night was all nicey nicey my anxiety today is building. He is out today looking at apartments. I even helped which seems really weird but I am hoping if he is in a temp place I might be able to move on a little. Again we are being civil and friendly and maybe the break is what we both need to move on but I am very anxious over it all and being alone, which I am sure is typical. I keep telling myself over and over "I will be just fine" Edited August 12, 2014 by KarlaB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 I am hoping if he is in a temp place I might be able to move on a little. You WILL be able to move on a LOT. No matter what he does. It is good that you notice your anxiety building. What does the anxiety feel like? Is it solid, like an appendage? Does it have a temperature? Your anxiety is the real puppet master here. Not your ex. Take the beast by the horns and then you will be in control. Don't want to be in control? Want someone like ex to do it for you? Afraid you'll mess up? Nah. You are sure as hell a better boss of your situation, than your ex is. You're a better boss than your anxiety. Take control and make your mistakes, and I bet they won't be as bad as your ex's mistakes or the beast Anxiety. I am willing to bet that you are a little bit smarter than your ex, a bit nicer, and maybe you even took care of him a bit. Lucky you, you are "stuck" with the dependable one-- YOU. Tonight I think you should take that long walk of you can. If not, get yourself a huge bouquet of flowers and stick it somewhere you love looking at it. Or else, for something that is virtually free, wash a sheet and iron it. Get into bed with an ironed sheet, it feels awesome. You are going to be just fine. Keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
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