Author justmebev1 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 Every road, every convenience store, stores, rooms in the house, things he did around my house....it feels like a woodpecker pecking at my head (peck, peck, peck). I do have lots of stuff that I am putting away a lil at a time. I am still wearing his ring not ready for that step yet it will come. I just found today in a box a bandanna he doused with his cologne (early in the relationship) and put in a baggy for me to smell to remember his scent. I thought I would die today when I smelled it. Do you have to become a member to be able to chat live? Thanks for all your help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 And let the record show...it was ME who brought out of him how UNHAPPY he really was. I should send him the bill 3 years of therapy I gave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Well I spoke to my ex-MM I owe him some money I have to give him which will be money gramed. He said he's happy with his wife, it was hard juggling two families they are working on what went wrong in their marriage and the trust issue which he believes will subside. He said he truly loved me and did not make up anything he told me it was all true another place another time maybe....I can accept everything he said many people have told me prior to D Day that if he really wanted to be with me the kids, house etc would not be an issue. I see this happening in the line of work I do every day, there are many people together with her children, his children, divorced female separated male, etc. etc. the problem for me is my question, "Why Me." Y can't this every happen for me. That is something I know God grants or does not grant and I have to accept it. Just very hard when I have to think of myself is it has to be me what else can it be. I've been saying y me for 36 years, im tired! Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 so now here's your chance to say "Why not me"? ... and why not now? Why not everything I always wanted to do, there's nothing holding me back!! Why not create a life, starting today. Why not? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Well I spoke to my ex-MM I owe him some money I have to give him which will be money gramed. He said he's happy with his wife, it was hard juggling two families they are working on what went wrong in their marriage and the trust issue which he believes will subside. He said he truly loved me and did not make up anything he told me it was all true another place another time maybe....I can accept everything he said many people have told me prior to D Day that if he really wanted to be with me the kids, house etc would not be an issue. I see this happening in the line of work I do every day, there are many people together with her children, his children, divorced female separated male, etc. etc. the problem for me is my question, "Why Me." Y can't this every happen for me. That is something I know God grants or does not grant and I have to accept it. Just very hard when I have to think of myself is it has to be me what else can it be. I've been saying y me for 36 years, im tired! Stop saying why me and do something different, like dating single guys. Just saying 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 (edited) Your correct! Thank you for understanding. It don't appear as I will be able to win him back. I was a little surprised that he wanted to talk, it's been a month, he says he's happy and glad its over so I guess that says it all. Our phone that we always used to communicate will be active for another month so after that he said just let it shut off (its a pre paid). I told him I was keeping it on in case he needed to get in touch with me for some reason and he said he knows my number and will get in touch with me if need be. I have to let it be, he knows how I feel. I'm glad the phone call didn't send me into a complete tailspin. It's outta my hands and I have to move on. Not happy about it, it's not the way I wanted it to turn out to be. We even discussed how he always said and thought that if she ever found out it would be an instant divorce he said he was surprised as well that she didn't and he's happy she didn't. Me asking, "why me" is horrible since I see it all around me and always have the feeling of why these things never happen for me like I said im 50 yrs old and I've been saying it for 36 years. Funny, today is my 25th wedding anniversary with my separated spouse maybe in time we can get things back together and pick up the pieces. Time will tell my friend. Thank you all for writing back so quickly, this site has been my God send!!!! Edited August 20, 2014 by justmebev1 add something Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 This sounds really hard for you. But honestly' date=' it takes two to tango. It sounds like he wanted to be with you and suddenly, he's whipped back into his old life by his wife. I don't even understand why she would want to be with him after he basically tried to leave her for you. Is there no way you think you can get him back on your side?[/quote'] Its always hard when a relationship end, no matter what kind, feelings are the same if they are married single or whatever. Bev needs to move forward with her head held high and stop looking back. Who did what doesn't matter at this point, its over. Bev stop punishing yourself by trying to figure out his motives and why he did what he did. Your choice now is pick up the pieces and move forward, or stay stuck in this drama that is burning days of your life and taking away the chances for the great guy around the corner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Your question about why would she want him after a 3 year affair. I'm guessing he said they spoke and she was aware of all her downfalls to where he would turn to someone else and he really sees a difference in her behavior which I guess is what he wanted from the start. I say the same as you...i have been on both sides of the fence and when my husband cheated i forgave but never forgot, never could get the full trust back, it was always on the back of my mind and our relationship was never the same. He cheated at least 3x since our 22 yr marriage I had always remained faithful minus the last 3 years. MM keeps saying everything is fine, good days bad days, she asks questions everyday I don't know how it will work out for him, but I know my marriage was over the day he was unfaithful, I never felt the same towards him. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Bev, cheating is cheating it all hurts if you cheated first or cheated second. I think the ship has sailed on your marriage. Your husband, I guessing always choose you, you choose the OM and actually left him for a married man. To the members here my comment here may seem odd since I divorced my wife and we are now back together after five years apart. The difference is no matter what I was always her first choice. Besides you don't seem to respect your husband, how can you build a relationship on that. Don't be scared to be alone, fix yourself, heal. When the time is right it will happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yes, and I am doing that I'm not rushing into anything. Day at a time. Yup me and my ex had and have a lot of problems. He is very upset that I choose him second it would need a lot of repair on both parts. I am taking this time to find myself. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Bev1: just want to drop in to show your some love and support. Reading your story- the ending- sucks. HUGS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Ohhhhh that's so nice of you xoxoxo Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Ohhhhh that's so nice of you xoxoxo Good days bad days. Time will wash things out. We carry on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 This sounds really hard for you. But honestly' date=' it takes two to tango. It sounds like he wanted to be with you and suddenly, he's whipped back into his old life by his wife.[b'] I don't even understand why she would want to be with him after he basically tried to leave her for you.[/b] Is there no way you think you can get him back on your side? There is no need to understand. The OP has some things she truly does need to understand about herself. His actions should be of little concern at this point. He made a choice whether it is the one OP wanted him to make or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
idkwsstf Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 This reminds me of a saying, "The only thing worse than losing love, is losing yourself." The worst part is in time to realize you lost yourself for someone who was never worth it in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MayP Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 (edited) Bev1: just a personal question. at which point did you think antidepressants might help? my self esteem is kind of totally smashed to pieces. feel like he has let me go. poof* know it is for the better. I just have to get around it. Edited August 21, 2014 by MayP Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 Hi!!!! I could never get though this without meds. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety. I did before the relationship I have been though a few traumatic events but I slowed down with the meds during the relationship because I was "happy" now that it is over I have increased the dosage. It does help alot. It doesn't make it go away it just makes it a little more tolerable and not as urgent. Hope this helps! I'm all for meds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 How do two people MM & OW talk every second of every day for 3 years and then BS finds out and MM stops talking? I know the N/C deal but how do you go from being so in love with someone (on both parts) to nada? And why would you want to? If both are struggling from not talking to one another isn't that where meant to be comes in? I mean i know the blah blah blah about the kids, house, finances etc. I just never totally stopped talking to anyone. Very hard for me to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 I've never been able to understand that, either. I guess I could if the feelings weren't real to begin with, but otherwise I truly have no idea. I'm not sure MM and I will ever be able to be completely NC, even if we end up not together. Right now it feels like our bond is too close to ever be completely out of each other's lives again, although I have told him that I do not think I can remain friends with him if we're no longer together. (Not that he's suggesting that at all, but right after d-day I did have lots of fears of that happening.) Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Read up on the affair fog. I know for my husband , facing what he did snapped him right in to reality. He hated himself and what he become. Anything and anyone associated with the affair became unimportant as he wanted to become a better person, a person he could be proud of being. He still deals with the self loathing. During reconciliation, the former AP becomes more of a situation than a person. Sorry if that's painful, but you asked. I have watched my husband puke and cry at therapy as he faces down his demons. He doesn't even say her name, he refers to her as " that person". Facing up to be in an affair when you are truly remorseful is tough stuff. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 How do two people MM & OW talk every second of every day for 3 years and then BS finds out and MM stops talking? I know the N/C deal but how do you go from being so in love with someone (on both parts) to nada? And why would you want to? If both are struggling from not talking to one another isn't that where meant to be comes in? I mean i know the blah blah blah about the kids, house, finances etc. I just never totally stopped talking to anyone. Very hard for me to swallow. Everything about this dude is a lie. From the way he hooked you on the internet with that happily married not looking to cheat bull, to cheating on his wife. Your simply too far in to see it. Its like that saying "you'll never see a bulls horns if your head is shoved up his a$$" How does he cut you off? Think about it. You don't love or respect your husband all that much and you haven't been able to cut him totally off have you? What does that say? Maybe he cares about you, but he feels his marriage and way of life is for more important then your feelings. This is a theme that has seemed to repeat thoughtout this affair as you've told it here. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Yes, it's like a light switch. On/off??? I don't get it. To the MM it HAS to be this way to hold onto his marriage. I guess if that is more important then maybe it's not hard to do. Guess it's different for me the OW since the shoe is on the other foot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justmebev1 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Yes, your correct. I said it was hard to swallow. My daughter and I spent some time today with my husband we are taking it slow he has many hurdles to jump he's trying to refrain from drinking alcohol (been 3 mos.) he's on probation, can't drive (got a DWI) so I think he should have this cleared up by Spring and we will see what that brings. My husband and I in the 25 years we were married really only had 6 years alone, then my daughter came, my mother was ill we took care of her for 13 years, then my older brother (64 yrs. old) lost a job after 30 years we took him in. Maybe come Spring once the dust settles and my head is out of the bulls ass and hubby is sober we might be able to get it back together. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Yes, your correct. I said it was hard to swallow. My daughter and I spent some time today with my husband we are taking it slow he has many hurdles to jump he's trying to refrain from drinking alcohol (been 3 mos.) he's on probation, can't drive (got a DWI) so I think he should have this cleared up by Spring and we will see what that brings. My husband and I in the 25 years we were married really only had 6 years alone, then my daughter came, my mother was ill we took care of her for 13 years, then my older brother (64 yrs. old) lost a job after 30 years we took him in. Maybe come Spring once the dust settles and my head is out of the bulls ass and hubby is sober we might be able to get it back together. You won't get anywhere with your husband if you think its "HIS" fight or "HIS" cross to carry. 50% of that crappy marriage is on you and 100% of your affair. Own your sh it. My ex and I also have about 25 years vested but we started as teenagers. One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with is I was a horrible husband. I thought I was awesome, how dire her cheat on me I'm almost perfect. Ssssh, I sucked. Owning my sh it made it possible for us to come together. Do your part, start with mourning the lose of your MM. If your serious about maybe trying with your husband try not to let him see your in pain over MM. Stop giving this guy so much mind space. Stop trying to figure out his motives, just stop with him period its only as hard as you make it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 reality sets in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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