Really confused after my wife left me for the second time!!!!

[Dtmotoman]

Male / Married...or separated? / 2 kids / now living alone.

 

My wife and I had been going through a really bad patch the last few years and really hadn't done anythingabout it. She told me on our family holiday in January that she wasn't happy with me and our relationship anymore. She wasn't happy with the way our relationship was going and after I listened to her I kept asking what was wrong as I was confused. After a few weeks of her being down and distant, I started to feel like there was nothing I could do and asked her to go to work and when got home, to make a decision on what she wanted to do(wasnt open to couple counselling). When she got home she had decided that she wanted to seperate. Initially she just wanted space, so I moved into the spare room. After a couple of weeks I got onto doing my own personal counselling and when I'd get home I'd attempt to talk to her about how we could fix things. Unfortunately she didn't want to listen and it was all over according to her. I repeatedly tried to talk but just kept getting the cold shoulder. One day I simply had enough, and in an attempt to make her see since I packed the car with all our photos and some of her things and asked her to leave. After a week or so I begged her to come back so we could work things out, but to no avail. After about a month I found out that she was moved in with her friend(female) and renting a room each for her and the kids. All along and right up until June I had been actively trying to get her to talk and work things out but there was no sign of it.

 

In June she called out to the house and asked me could we give it another go? I said yes and we remained in separate houses until we could sort things out. After about a week of things being great together I just knew something just wasn't right. So I checked her phone and messages and found out that she had tried to get into a relationship with another man and had slept with him once. I lost it!! I tried to get over it but I kept bringing it up and snooping for more info. We finally after a couple of weeks started to settle down, and even toyed with moving back in and started couple counselling. We went to the zoo with the kids one of the days and had a great time, and when leaving each other that day kissed and said that things were going to work out. The next day I sent a loving text and got no reply....confused! I asked what was wrong and she said we'd discuss it later at CC. I pushed the issue and it turns out that it was something that I said to the kids about mammy coming back home to live together and the fact that I looked at her phone it broke her trust. From this point on she has just decided that it's all off again and there is no going back....its over! She's happy on her own now, more time to herself,no arguments with me etc but I want to make it work and she doesn't....what do I do? 1 month apart and counting!

 

It's been going on for 7 months now and I don't want to give up on our family and any possibility of having a future together, but after all this time I've just about given up hope. We've been attending couple counselling together, but unfortunately all that we are getting out of it is talking about her affair / relationship. What pisses me off most is her excuse that it happened while we were apart and it was nothing to do with me......"none of my business" is she right. I didn't and still don't see us as separated, just going through a really bad patch. How can some women just give up on their family....especially after 10 years in a relationship and not talking things out with their partner?

 

Should I walk away knowing I fought the good fight with my head held high or should I fight on for what I know is right for our relationship and family?

Edited August 10, 2014 by Dtmotoman
Spelling errors

[bubbaganoosh]

Yeah. Walk away. She's already blaming you and will continue to do so.

 

She went ahead and had an affair and slept with another man and she's telling you that she said you broke the trust. Really? If anything she broke the trust and will not take the blame for it.

 

If it's me, the next thing I do is find a lawyer and hit her with divorce papers. The only communication you have with her should be about the kids. Nothing more. Maybe then she'll see that she doesn't walk on water and she'll wake up and realize her mistake.

 

You wont lose your kids. They know who their dad is and just be the best dad you can and stop worrying about that.

 

If I were you, I would also separate your finances and start your own checking/savings account and get the credit cards cancelled and reopened in your name. Carry a VAR with you in case she wants to play dirty and at least you'll have the truth.

[Dtmotoman]

Is it right for her to assume that us being separated gave her the right to sleep around? We had clear boundaries I thought? I told her if she did it not to come back....and she told me that after throwing her out of the house, whatever she did was none of my business! When I found out by checking her phone messages she seemed genuinely upset and regretted it....but was she only regretting being caught?

 

I do kinda blame myself for not giving her the attention she so obviously needed over the years, and also wonder what drove her to look elsewhere? She is not a very sexual woman so I would definitely not have expected this from her. I also felt from conversations with her friends that she was obviously not very committed to fixing things from the get go.

[jakrbbt]

You two are not very nice to each other and your situation sounds incredibly painful. You both keep doing things to say "I'll show HER" or "I'll show HIM!" That is not a trusting situation. That would not feel like family. Your home is where you can be yourself, can confide in people and can have a sense of both privacy and trust. If I were either one of you, I would not feel those things. I do not see how one builds those things after they are broken, but I'm not a marriage counselor. Maybe you can do it. Decide soon-- don't live in this stupid fight for much longer.

 

I am not saying this is your "fault." It would be very fair to say that your wife is the "most worst-est" by having an affair. But where does that get you? The sooner you can get over this whole painful situation, the better. Right now it sounds like you're concerned about holding your head "high" and making sure YOU did the right thing and fought the "good fight." In other words: Keeping you pride, verifying she is in the wrong, and avoiding regret.

 

All perfectly reasonable needs. Fine and natural to feel those things, I am sure. Nothing wrong with that. You need to keep your pride and avoid regret right now. You need to verify how wrong she is so that you can separate from her emotionally.

 

But keep your eye on the ball. Pride and winning are not the end goal. They are just things you maybe need right now. Living with peace, being able to have trust and real intimacy in your home, and having a healthy situation for yourself and your kids-- those are your best end goals. It sounds to me like a divorce is the way to get there, but like I said, I am no marriage counselor. If you chase your pride and indignation towards her, it's possible that that will keep you in the stupid fight and you could have this bitterness for a lot longer than you need to. It may even keep you together longer, with both of you wanting to teach the other that they were wrong.

 

Get yourself and your kids out of this bad situation--either by truly fixing it, or by truly moving on. I don't suggest that will be easy, and it will take a big person. Good luck. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

[Zeurich]

She is a woman with attitude " my life has nothing to do with any one else" I had a friend who I thought she was a good woman but later on I got realized she also one of your wife kind. If you feel you gave a good try to carry on but if she push you away walk away, I went the same with my ex husband. But most important part not to have regrets. Honestly I am sorry for what you going through. My ex went in and out just what your wife do. It is not working just wasting time.

[Dtmotoman]

Do people out there honestly think a relationship like this can be saved? How hard is it to get over infidelity? In my opinion she is running scared at the moment and doesn't want to admit what she did was wrong or while she was married. As far as I'm concerned we were still married and it was her who decided for both of us that we were separated. We've been a month apart now with regular contact due to the children, but there has been no mention of divorce or shows no sign of wanting to make thinks official. I'm afraid that if I make the move on it, that this will just push her further away.

[PegNosePete]

Do people out there honestly think a relationship like this can be saved? How hard is it to get over infidelity? In my opinion she is running scared at the moment and doesn't want to admit what she did was wrong or while she was married.

I do think a marriage can overcome infidelity but not when the WS doesn't admit responsibility, take ownership of their actions and be 100% committed to fixing the marriage. And your wife clearly does not fit any of that.

 

It seems very likely that if you do get back together, she would once again change her mind and be off with someone else, as soon as the wind changes. What consequences has she seen for her actions? None. She knows you will take her back again and again so she has no reason not to give it a go with another man, and if it doesn't work out you'll be sitting there waiting for her call. You've become a doormat for her.

 

Filing for divorce may give her the reality check that she needs. Show her that you are a real man who will not be pushed around. You can always cancel it you get back together. But she currently has an attitude of "he will accept whatever I decide" which is not good. So yeah I would file.

[jakrbbt]

I don't advise filing for divorce as another "I'll show HER" move. You need out of this power struggle, not on top of it.

 

If you file for divorce, do it because you want a divorce and you are ready for a divorce and you are ready to start moving on.

 

And I disagree that filing for divorce because you want to wake her up, would make you look like a "real man." To me, it would come across as desperate and whiny. You offer her the chance to work on the marriage. If she declines, that is your answer. Trying to control her answer through fear is not what a real man would do. Confusingly filing for divorce when and because you want her to work on the marriage is not what a real man would do. You gotta be prepared to walk away from this person if she is not trustworthy or committed. Ask, and don't be afraid to take no for an answer--- EVEN IF the correct answer should be "yes, I'm sorry I cheated and I want to stay together." Trying to control her answer will look the same as begging for a yes.

 

However, you will probably want to tell her that you are at a crossroads, either divorce or marriage counseling. She probably knows that already anyway.

 

If you want to try to save the marriage, which I agree has happened in situations with infidelity, then find a good marriage counselor. That is step one.

 

My advice with a counselor is, get one who is willing to meet with each of you individually FIRST, and then you all do the counseling sessions together. Your wife might be more willing to do it that way, and imo, that's the most effective. My other piece of advice with a MC is that you all plan to check in with the process after 8 or 10 sessions, to see whether any progress is being made. You may or may not have one of those relationships that can stick together after infidelity.

 

Infidelity creates its own mess of problems. Before there was infidelity, there were likely other problems as well. And the two of you definitely sound like you have more than the infidelity to deal with. That is why even if she writes you ten apology letters and publicly broadcasts how wrong she was, you will still have other problems.

 

If you don't feel like you can stay with her after she cheated, I don't blame you. But you will want to figure that out right away. I think that the fact that she did this during a separation (rather than throughout the marriage) is significant. It's no less wrong, but it might signal that you could predict it happening. That she was not cheating just to cheat. (Some people just

sleep around no matter how great their relationship is otherwise.) On the other hand, you may be too angry to get over it. I think most of us would be.

 

And you astutely point out that she, the cheater, might have a problem getting over her cheating too. Guilt and pride and all of that.

 

I wish I could answer your question whether you two can get past this. It is possible for some couples, for sure. I couldn't do it, it would be a deal-breaker for me. I just wouldn't feel like I was in a real relationship if the other person had cheated.