Fell out of love with abusive husband

[beautysoul]

Just two days ago, I fell out of love with my husband. And I feel that it is a permanent thing, because I remember when it happened with my first husband. Yes, this is my second husband, but he didn't start out abusive. He and I lived a fairytale for two and a half years. The pressure of having two babies quickly, and him having to provide and be gone on the road all of the time has created lots of problems for our marriage. the thing is though, that I am always doing whatever it takes to communicate, be empathic to him, understand him, etc. It used to be that I would give my life for him. But he is unable to be empathic, he is unwilling to negotiate, show compassion, etc. He was abused for his entire childhood, but he made me believe when we first got together that he was stronger than that, and wouldn't let it run his life. but it is. He used to verbally and emotionally abuse me quite intermittently. Obviously, as time went on, it became more frequent, and my heart became more and more hardened. I remember telling him many times that if he kept talking to me that way,or emotionally abusing me, I would hate him eventually. But at the same time I always believed in him, and in his innate human "goodness', even after he got physical with me this Christmas. The breaking point for me was when he called my two year old a piece of **** to her face. He told her that that was all she was, all she'll ever be, second best, piece of white trash. I lost all respect for him. I told him that that was completely unacceptable and that he needed to acknowledge that. He admitted, "okay, maybe i went a bit overboard, but.............." Blah blah blah, i told him that no matter what, it's completely unacceptable. I told him that if he ever utters words like that to our kids again, my kids and i are gone. Same with the physical abuse to me. i wil lgo if he does that, but he still pushes me away emotionally. I am blamed for anything that goes wrong within our relationship, or pretty much anything that goes wrong. He comes up with **** out of nowhere to accuse me of, or criticize me for. And I used to try to argue withhim, defend myself, but I can't do that anymore. I have to be true to me, and I don't want to give up on a marriage, but I can't stay with him if i don't love him. And even when I give him affection, he pushes me away, or gives me a very superficial kind of attention. I can't stand being taken for granted. He doesn't even know me. But I believe that I have finally come to knw him for wh ohe truly is. And I could hate him.

 

Is it possible for him to change, and for me to love him again?

[d'Arthez]

Yes, it is possible for him to change, and for you to fall back in love with him again.

 

But I would have to strongly recommend therapy for him. For his childhood issues, and his abusive behavior. It might even be a case of a psychological personality disorder.

 

A large problem with abuse is that it most often starts out quite innocently. Namecalling, for example. But the abuse becomes more and more intense as time goes by, and as your husband has already overstepped the physical boundary, you can expect it to get a lot worse, if he is not going to work on his issues.

 

Another question: You lived somewhat a fairy-tale of 2.5 years. But is the daughter that has been called a piece of sh*t to her face his daughter or another man's daughter? If it is the first, the situation looks even less hopeful.

 

It's impossible for him to heal overnight. It will take a lot of time. And a good therapist. If he is not willing to deal with his issues, with the assistance of a professional, you have to leave him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Anyone can change with enough time, patience and the motivation to do so. But will that person be able to change in the context of the relationship? The question is: is he willing to change, and are you willing to put yourself and your kids at risk waiting around for that to happen?

 

If you want to see if he's capable of some real changes, file for a separation - get yourself and your kids away from him - kick him out under threat of legal repercussions if you have to, and let him go through the process of change if he is so inclined. Let him know in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you will not return to the relationship until he is actively enrolled and participating in, and showing REAL progress in some program to help him with his problems.

 

Otherwise, if you stick around and tolerate what he's doing then he'll never have any real motivation to change. I think some unbiased, uninterrupted, enforced separation from you and your kids will give him some time to think about what it is he has done to you, and whether or not he's willing to make the necessary changes to get you back into his life - MINUS the abuse.

 

There is no such thing as 'love overcoming all' in a case where a grown man looks into the eyes of a child and calls her a 'piece of ***'. It isn't about love at this point - its about protecting yourself and your children while he fixes whatever cracked sense of self he has in the context of this relationship. If the nature of the relationship is what brought you all to this point - then you'll have to make the tough decision of turning your back on it, and on him.

 

I think some time away will help you rethink your relationship. Sometimes positive changes for ourselves will result in negative changes for the partner. Change can sometimes negate what initially brought a person into the relationship and perpetuates it. I hope for your sake and your children's sake that you'll both be able to rethink what you have and make the decisions that will be best for you all.

[beautysoul]

Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful answers. In response to DArt, yes, both girls are his. He is killing the two yea4r old with kindness ever since he said that to her, and I believe he won't say anything like that to her again. But, I hear what you're saying. The kids are the most important, and it isn't about me anymore. But I already knowo that, that's why I know that I will leave if he does ever talk like that again to her. My problem now is that he is on his best behavior, and I feel that I need a "evidenced" reason to leave. Like I feel that something big has to happen again for me to go, and to tell him that he must get help in order for me to return. Otherwise, he will deny and minimize what;s going on, and BLAME ME./ I know that being blamed may not be the worst thing, but I'd rather leave with a clear conscience, and knowing that he knows that he does have issues that need to be dealt with.

[d'Arthez]

You don't need a well documented reason to leave him.

 

The sudden kindness to the 2 year old, should not be taken for what it seems. He is on his best behavior, because the threat you gave to him, not because he is naturally inclined to care for his daughter. You know that.

 

Like I feel that something big has to happen again for me to go, and to tell him that he must get help in order for me to return. Otherwise, he will deny and minimize what;s going on, and BLAME ME.

 

Given the extreme likelihood of a personality disorder, he will blame anything that happens to him, on anybody else. Even on your 2-year old daughter. You saw him screaming her in the face.

 

If you want to stay, get him into therapy for his issues. He has issues, and if you tell him, you make him aware of the importance that he is doing something about these issues. They won't magically disappear, like he wants you to believe.

 

Also consider the great suggestions LucreziaBorgia made.

 

Better leave with a clear conscience now, than after you or one of your children has been beaten up by him.

[beautysoul]

First off, just so you know, I'm not defending my husband's behavior at all........but I can tell you that he won't lay a hand on the kids. I know this because he has tried, and I stopped him (spanking), he tries hard to be a good father while he is home, which isn't often, as his job has him gone on the road all the time. But he IS very controlling,and we4 are constantly in conflict because I defend my girls all the time, no matter what. He got physical with me on Christmas, when we were both irresponsible and were drinking, I passed out upstairs, at the top of the stairs, and as a "mean prank" he says he pulled me down by my ankles. Well, I awoke in a deep sleep sort of state, and kicking and screaming, panicking.......he became very agiatated and screamed at me to GET UP, while he had his fist in the middle of my chest, (the bruise was over my heart), and then pulled me up and pushed me down.) My necklace broke off of my neck, and ripped off my mole on my neck. i only remember bits and pieces. He says he doesn't remember much, but that his sisters and bro-in law saw the whole thing and kicked him out of the house. He walked home and broke in our back door, gushing open his arm, (some glass from the door), When I got home the next day, I was clingy to him. Clearl;y, that was a perfect opportunity to leave, but I "loved him", and we were both drunk, so I took half of the blame. I told him that if he touched me again, I would be gone. But as he minimized the incident, and took no responsibility for it, I began to resent him. He says that he can't believe he wuold do that, and he'snot that type of man. I wish that I had gone then, because people had witnessed what occurred, and I would be completely justified in leaving, and for making him get help.

[beautysoul]

Also, yes, Lucrezia does have some excellent advice. I will do my best to be strong and follow it.

[moimeme]

and BLAME ME./ I know that being blamed may not be the worst thing, but I'd rather leave with a clear conscience, and knowing that he knows that he does have issues that need to be dealt with.

 

How will waiting for 'something more' to happen change that. Trust me on this, no matter what the reason for you leaving, he will still turn it around to blame you so you're never going to be able to dodge that. Understand that his thinking is not based on reasoned consideration and therefore don't expect him to acknowledge his part in your departure.

 

Unfortunately, people who have been abused often themselves become abusers. And what they do is they beat your love for them to death. You warned him it was happening and would happen and that wasn't enough to get him to change. This relationship will only spiral downward. Even if he's treated, you may not be able to regain your love or respect for him.

[d'Arthez]

Beautysoul,

 

the key to understanding abusive relationships, is that the abuser always makes excuses for his appaling behavior.

Given the likelihood that your husband suffers from a personality disorder / issues from his childhood are no valid excuses. "I was drunk", "I was irritated", "the dog tore up my newspaper", "daughter was shrieking with her voice a bit" are no valid reasons for abusive behavior.

 

But as he minimized the incident, and took no responsibility for it, I began to resent him. He says that he can't believe he wuold do that, and he'snot that type of man. I wish that I had gone then, because people had witnessed what occurred, and I would be completely justified in leaving, and for making him get help.

 

Minimization of HIS responsibility, claiming it was no big deal is standard abusive behavior. Your resentment of him and his behavior is natural. His excuses are natural to abusers. Of course he says he would not do that, but he did do just that. He is excusing his bad behavior morally, but engages in it practically.

 

The only perfect time to leave an abuser, is immediately. If you felt that strongly about it two months ago, it is still a valid reason now. People have witnessed what happened? That's good, because they will still remember what happened. When people are confronted with an abusive relationship, it takes time for people to realize they are being abused and that the abuser will not improve his or her ways.

 

Don't wait for a 'valid reason.' You already have valid reasons.

[beautysoul]

All of the responses are very helpful to me, thank you all for your consideration. D' Arthez, you bring up all completely valid points. Can I ask........How do you know so much about abuse? Have you done research, are you a counselor, or had personal experience? I am not in any way insinuating that you don't know what you are talking about, you clearly do...I am just curious. If you have had much experience with people in these relationships, have you ever seen anyone beat the "sickness", or get help from a narcissistic persoanlity disorder?

[beautysoul]

i guess i still have a little faith, but as lucrezia suggested, He may not change at all until he is out of the context of this particular relationship.... And it will be very difficult for me to "refind" the self that I have surrendered to him in order for him to feel in control. ---while I am here with him, I mean.

[beautysoul]

I mean, if I tell him the blunt reality today, that I feel as though I have lost feelings for him, and that we need to do something now in order to make our marriage last, maybe he will wake up.........on the other hand, maybe he will say, "Leave then". I don't know what I am afraid of, maybe the fact that he makes all the money, I have two months left until I graduate college, and I don't really have anyplace to go. I also do want to do whatever necessary to save this family unit. I have felt at times that God put us together in order for us to help one another, and grow together. I obviously got into this relationship with a low sense of self-worth. NOw, six years later, I realize how my behavior has contributed to the demise of our relationship, just as his has. He is only 24, he has a lot of life to live, and I know that he is a strong soul, and can conquer his warped sense of reality. I don't have the guts to tel lhim how I feel though.

[shamen]

Beautysoul, he's got to get himself into counseling. He HIT you. He called your child names. And you probably need to leave him until you're sure that he's been in counseling for what's he's done. He's been abused; the cycle of abuse often perpetuates itself until that person gets counseling and sticks with it.

 

I don't think that just having faith here is going to work... Please reread everyone's posts here.

[d'Arthez]

Beautysoul, this is in response to your first two posts

 

I don't give out personal details, on public forums, and as you are not allowed Private messages, as of yet, I will keep my response a bit general to your questions Beautysoul. Once you qualify, I am willing to give you a clearer picture of myself.

 

I have observed and studied relationship dynamics in various ways. People in relationships are fascinating. The influences of past on present behavior. The influence of past events on present perception of events. It's amazing to see how two people who are close together can miss obvious things, which can be easily spotted by an outsider. If I were only as able to spot these things in my own life ...

 

Quite a lot of women find out in their marriage they have married an abusive man. It's also the sad truth that the majority of these women try to hold on to the lovable qualities their husband projected on them in the courting stages of their relationship. His considerateness of you, his romantic gestures, the fact that he took a day off to be with you when you were sick.

 

It does not necessarily imply that he has tried to trap you in his marriage with a shrewd planning. But if problems only arose from conscious acts, life would be a lot simpler. He has troubles stemming from his past, which have probably developed in a personality disorder. Now you are in a situation, that the past is showing up in the present again with his abusive behavior.

 

I can understand that you want your second marriage to work. The odds aren't in your favor, and you need to get your husband to get his act together NOW. Pressurize him to change, with the method LucreziaBorgia suggested.

 

But also, and these considerations are much more important to me, think of the safety and the sanity of you and your two daughters. They just know when things are not right. And rather than pretending to be the happily married mother of two, you'd be better of as the happily divorced mother of two.

[RowanRavyn]

As you have already noted these things only escalate.

 

As someone else stated it starts off small. A snide remark, a disparaging comment. Sometimes an abuser can "behave appropriately" for several months, but you can bet that the next outburst will be worse than the one just before it.

 

Once it has escalated to violence it rarely calms down on its own.

 

I understand the need to have a clear concious as it were, but even this is part of his "re-training" of your and your thought process. You know that he is going to accuse you of being the wrong one, and you know that he is going to place blame, you have heard this often enough that some where in your mind, you believe that just maybe this is true. So you have convinced yourself that you have to see it just one more time.

 

You had a bruise over your heart. A blow hard enough in that area could kill you.

 

Your daughter is also learning that the cycle of abuse is normal. Daddy calls me names, Daddy is really nice to me, Daddy is grumpy....maybe if Daddy will just call me names he will start being really nice to me again. She is going to learn that provoking daddy will get him to nice daddy again. (thus confusing her as to how to behave for others) This will likely become the pattern she looks for in a relationship.

 

Do not fool yourself into thinking he is such a great father. If he has started the name calling with her it will escalate.

 

He absolutely needs help to work through his past.

 

He is obviously not home much either, so don't use that as an excuse not to get help for yourself and your children. Abusers do have personality disorders (often anyway). Sometimes the "working so hard" is their attempt to either make up for their abuse, or control their abuse. If they work their arses off then they must be good, they are providing for their family after all, and if they aren't there, they can't hurt anyone.

[beautysoul]

What if I can't find the courage or the means to leave RIGHT NOW?

[RowanRavyn]

Next time he goes on a road trip, go to a shelter. Get into counseling. You do not necessarily have to go INTO shelter, but knowing you are not alone is often a huge help. Also learning what is and what is not your responsibility.

[beautysoul]

Just to clarify..........I didn't receive a blow to the chest, but he did "rough me up", so to speak. He pulled me up by my shirt, with his fist clenched at my chest, then threw me back down. He currently, as we speak, thinks that we are both still living in fantasy land, and that I have gotten over it, and still love him. But, I really don't know what happened, I just lost it for him, like I said, a few days ago. I realize that my defense mechanisms have probably been at work for the duration of our relationship, and I guess that they simply couldn't hold back any longer. So, I feel that I need to make a plan, and implement it, but it is scary. My point is, though, that he wont even see it coming. Should I tell him how I feel?

[beautysoul]

In response to D'Art, the dynamics of our relationship have been quite interesting, and I assume that I have brought out the worst in him, as he has from me. That's why I really don't accept any sort of "victim" role here.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by beautysoul

I mean, if I tell him the blunt reality today, that I feel as though I have lost feelings for him, and that we need to do something now in order to make our marriage last, maybe he will wake up.........on the other hand, maybe he will say, "Leave then". I don't know what I am afraid of, maybe the fact that he makes all the money, I have two months left until I graduate college, and I don't really have anyplace to go. I also do want to do whatever necessary to save this family unit. I have felt at times that God put us together in order for us to help one another, and grow together. I obviously got into this relationship with a low sense of self-worth. NOw, six years later, I realize how my behavior has contributed to the demise of our relationship, just as his has. He is only 24, he has a lot of life to live, and I know that he is a strong soul, and can conquer his warped sense of reality. I don't have the guts to tel lhim how I feel though.

 

No, don't tell him how you feel right now.

 

Beautysoul, as miserable as it sounds, when you described the incident that happened a couple of months ago, you also wrote that a lot of people saw what happened. They saw it! That improves your situation dramatically. Not because it happened, but because people saw something happened. They know things are not right.

 

As hard as it may sound you must force your husband to do something about his wrong ways. He is excusing his bad behavior, minimizing his responsibility for his behavior. That is wrong, and he won't be suddenly cured.

 

Do you have any close friends with whom you have talked already a bit about your situation? A possible place to stay for these two months? You don't need perfect living conditions for these 2 months, as long as it are safe living conditions. Even a shelter would be so much more safer. RowanRavyn is right about your daughters.

 

You are the victim of the situation. Admit it! Most victims of abuse have a hard time admitting they are a victim of abuse. It does not imply that all victims of abuse are saints. But it is certainly not right to be abused emotionally and physically because you somehow triggered a bad side of him. Did your 2 year old daughter chose to be abused? No.

 

By moving out you will at first inspire him to change. Soon he will be asking you to return home, because he suddenly realizes it was 'wrong' what he did. That's at least what he is going to tell you. But in the majority of cases, he'll be the same abusive husband as before.

 

It's only two more months till you graduate college. Two more months until you can make a living on your own for yourself and your daughters. Maybe given your age, and the age of your children you can move back to be closer to your support network (family) again. I am absolutely not an expert on Illinois State Law, so I can't advice you on what is and what is not allowed by the law with regards to the children / separation and divorce.

[shamen]

Originally posted by RowanRavyn

Next time he goes on a road trip, go to a shelter. Get into counseling. You do not necessarily have to go INTO shelter, but knowing you are not alone is often a huge help. Also learning what is and what is not your responsibility.

 

I completely agree. Do a search online for shelters for abused women in your location. Look in your phone book for the same. The resources are right there for you to take advantage of. Do this before you take any other steps.

 

Regardless of the exact nature of the roughing up, the hitting, whatever. He physically touched you in a way that was not meant to be loving. That's enough. And he verbally abused your daughter. He may not physically abuse them right now, but now that he's physically abused you, you can never know that he won't do it to you again or that he will never hurt your children. You may think that you know that he won't, but you don't really. Please keep that in mind.

[beautysoul]

well, if i don't tell him right now, then what are you suggesting, D'Art? That I leave without him being aware?

[d'Arthez]

As long as you don't tell your husband he won't suspect you are unhappy with the situation. If he suspects something is up, he will be watching you and your behavior more closely.

 

As long as you are not on the run, you are still in a position you can get more information about your possibilities. Contact women's shelters in your area. They have more information and can deal with the particular details of your situation better than I can.

 

Eventually, when you have the information you need and made your preparations, you'd better leave him and take the your two daughters with you, when he is away, as other posters have suggested. That buys you some time, so that you are not easily tracable.

 

You can leave a letter for him, explaining why you have undertaken these measures. You don't have to put all the blame on him, but it would be beneficial for him, if you'd exactly point out what you would require of him, to have a reconcilliation.

 

From your posts and our responses three key ingredients are:

* go to therapy and stick to therapy, for his childhood issues and possible narcissistic personality disorder

* never be abusive to your children or you again

* that you won't tolerate it if he tracks you down.

* (possibly) restore the ties with family members.

 

It is important that you warn some of the authorities about your situation. You don't want to have a confrontation with him, if you have taken leave. Given the fact that are you still in college, that complicates the situation a fair bit.

[shamen]

I'm not d'Arthez, but I'm going to bet that he would say, yes, leave him without being aware. Sometimes people who abuse get super pissed when the victim (yes, that's you) tells the abuser that they are leaving.

 

Please please please look online for a woman's shelter in your area, or check out your phone book. They will have a ton of suggestions for you.

 

Here's the address of one site I found...

 

http://directory.google.com/Top/Society/People/Women/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Domestic_Violence/Shelters

[d'Arthez]

Excellent post Shamen, and excellent link.

 

I did state that she better leave him, without him being aware. If you read over it, I have not expressed myself clearly enough.

 

1. Don't tell him anything about your unhappiness now.

2. Make your preparations.

3. Leave.