A little Advice needed on Reconciliation, Please

[Tracey123]

Hi All

My b/f and I split up on January 15th........we had a big blow-up and he lost his temper, said some pretty harsh things and we didn't talk for about 2 weeks. Then, on the same day, we leave messages for eachother saying that we missed eachother and talked that night. It was a good conversation but nothing about the break-up or anything and I was ok with that even though I missed him like crazy. (we had been together for just over 2 years).

The night after the conversation, my house got broken into....major deal over that and I called him and left him a message to call me when he got in, the house got broken into. He calls as soon as he gets in, comes over, hugs me, and we stay up until 3 am or so and he stays over. We have sex. The next night, he comes over with all this wood and makes sure all the doors and windows are secure and stays over again.....it was like we were back together.....he calls me every day and we get together on the Saturday night and it feels like we're back together but we haven't talked about why we split up or what the heck we're doing now. SO, last week-end, he assumes he's coming over on Saturday night anad I tell him I've got other plans and I can tell he's a bit shocked and he says he'll call me on SUnday....he doesn't call. He calls Monday night but doesn't leave a message. He calls on Wednesday to "see how I'm doing" and we chat. He asks what I'm doing this week-end and I say I'm at a conference and he says he's working. SO, the night day, I call and ask him for dinner on the Saturday or Sunday and he returns the call. I can hear almost like a sort of relief and he says that SUnday would be better because he doesn't know what time he is working until on Saturday and it's left like that but I can tell he's relieved.

I don't want to go back to the 'same old' relationship.. We split up for a reason and nothing has been addressed. I love him still but I really want to move in together and I know that is one of the reasons we split........he's a Committment Phobe.......never been married although he lived witha woman years ago. We are both middle aged and both have a history or unsuccessful relationships and have know eachother forever. (Like, 20 years?)

So, this is my plan and I would really like some feed-back from you guys, if you don't mind. I plan on saying that I have missed him but I'm not so sure I trust him at this point and I don't think we should jump into the sack until we decide what we're going to do with 'us". He would normally stay over but I don't think it's a good idea. He isn't a great talker either but I wnat some change here, not what we've been doing for 2 years. We are seen as a 'couple' by everyone and his parents call me their daughter in law and that is all fine, but I want 'more of a relationship'. I'm not even sure if he wants to get bakc together but it feels like it.

Any ideas on what else to say to him or how to handle this?

Thanks

[strange love]

well

 

heres my thoughts.

It seems like he isnt going anywhere.

If you want him to move in I think you will need to approach it from a different angle

 

Like oh Id feel safer if you were here more. Or it would safe us both money. or...

 

See heres my deal my last ex which im trying to get back with.. why I dont know anymore..

 

Well when I lived with her I wanted to do anything she was all over me. I just wanted to watch a bit of cable u know. OR ITS 5 AM and shes getting ready for work and all the lights are on, music is playing and theres clothes piled on top of me.. from that I started sleeping on the couch at the shop.

 

Heres a though dont always think about WHAT YOU WANT.. maybe you should ask him how he feels about that idea and if he doesnt like it or what would make him ok with it.

 

Theres also various books you could try reading...

and dont play the im going to withhold sex game till I get what I want thats not very nice at all.. and games will get you games

 

thats it for now im starved im gonna get me something at Ghalis, if any of you are ever in toronto check this place out he makes a tasty pizza.

 

S. L.

[Tracey123]

Thanks for the male point of view.........asking him is something I never thought of.......duh???? Geez......it sounds simple! I will fill you in after Sunday night and I'm heading into Toronto tonight......have to check out that place you mentioned....thanks!

[jasondotcom]

If he's a commitment phobe be very careful. His renewed attention could well be temporary and he may well pull back again when things start to feel like they're headed towards commitment again. That's the pattern, they feel suffocated, run, miss you once they have their space, come back and then the cycle starts over. Easy for me to say, but I am struggling with the same issues and it's not easy, I know. I've got a thread going on it in the break up forum.

 

There are some good books around - "Men Who Can't Love" and "Towards Commitment" both by Steven Carter and available on Amazon (I've ordered them both :-)). There's also a good e-book available which approaches it from your (our) point of view. It's called Dream Chasers and is about commitmentphobe addiction. I'm reading it now and it's amazingly enlightening. Makes you realise that your ongoing desire/need to win back the commitmentphobe is a form of addiction and when they run you suffer withdrawal just as you would if it were a drug or gambling etc.

 

Discouragingly almost all the advice I've come across says you can't do anything to change the commitmentphobe and are best off just admitting and working to overcome your addiction. But I think the "Towards Commitment" book tries to offer a way forward, I'm hoping so!

[Tracey123]

So, to update on "the situation", we have been talking almost every day.........not about getting back together but about what we've been doing. He'll call and ask if I can take care of a work call, (he never has before), and will preface it with, "the reason I'm calling is..........." . Or he'll call and ask me how to cook something or make a hot toddy (he's had a cold) etc.......It seems like feeble excuses...don't really know what's up with that....I haven't made any attempt to talk about anything although he told me last week that "I accuse him of sending mixed signals and now he thinks that I am the one sending mixed signals." I said I can't alk about anything right now and I'll call you later and then when I do call, he doesn't say anything about the mixed signals...?????? I don't know.

I'm holding tough and being nice but somewhat aloof. I want him to be the one to initiate 'the talk' if that's what he's building up to.....any male advice??