How Can I Trust Again?

[strawberryacid]

Hello There,

 

im a 27 year old engaged to be married in March next year. I must say the relationship started so fast as we started dating in January and got engaged by March and moved in together in May.

 

Since we moved in together he has started to be distant towards me. We hardly have sex anymore because he has zero desire, we figured it could be low testosterone and have been to several doctors and found out it is a psychological issue as it has happened to him with many of his past relationships. So now we have weekly sessions with a therapist to see if this is something we can fix and to see if we will go ahead with the wedding as everything is booked. The lady was quick to say that he has commitment issues and at the start his relationships are great, sex is great etc and as soon as it starts to get serious he backs away psychically and sometimes emotionally.

 

During the last couple of months it has been hell because he was so confused as to why he feels sexual attraction to no one anymore and questioned his sexuality. I looked at his mobile one morning to find him messaging a friend that hes known for years and shes married and they were flirty nature with him saying "oh that image makes me hard" and "i have found an app on my phone to hide messages" and "i think ive decided im going to leave" implying me. I got up and confronted him and he told me the reason he did this was to see if he had sexual attraction to any other female apart from me then he would know its our relationship and he said he was trying to make himself hard by her and he felt nothing and started tearing up thinking he could be gay which the therapist quickly sorted out that he wasnt.

 

The other trust issue was i went to sleep and then he stayed up on his laptop one night, i looked through his history about 3 weeks later and found out he had goggled "discreet relationships" and even joined marriedaffairs.com! Yes he searched and was only on it a space of 3 mins and didnt hit anyone up but the fact is why would you do that in the first place. I asked him and he said he honestly could not remember why he would because as he keeps stressing to me if we were not together he would rather be alone than get into another relationship.

 

I have had a history of being lied to and cheated on by some guys and thats why im probably like i am by snooping however i sometimes find things like this, i feel like if he goes out which he never really does as he doesnt want me worried that he may do something behind my back. I feel like now if hes away from me he is messaging that woman again and i just feel like i cant trust. I cant carry on planning a wedding with him if its going to be like this because im going to drive myself insane. Im trying to trust him again as i do love him but its hard when all i can think about is him doing these things and quickly deleting the evidence.

 

Feel like so many things have to be fixed with us like the trust isses and the sex issues. The only time we have sex is when he gives in and does it just to make me happy but hes just not into it like he used too. I know it could have alot to do with his commitment issues which he is trying to get help with but cuddling and kissing for me wont be enough long term.

 

Has anyone been in the same situation of shed an light? Would be greatly appreciated.

[thekid36]

Hello There,

 

im a 27 year old engaged to be married in March next year. I must say the relationship started so fast as we started dating in January and got engaged by March and moved in together in May.

 

Since we moved in together he has started to be distant towards me. We hardly have sex anymore because he has zero desire, we figured it could be low testosterone and have been to several doctors and found out it is a psychological issue as it has happened to him with many of his past relationships. So now we have weekly sessions with a therapist to see if this is something we can fix and to see if we will go ahead with the wedding as everything is booked. The lady was quick to say that he has commitment issues and at the start his relationships are great, sex is great etc and as soon as it starts to get serious he backs away psychically and sometimes emotionally.

 

During the last couple of months it has been hell because he was so confused as to why he feels sexual attraction to no one anymore and questioned his sexuality. I looked at his mobile one morning to find him messaging a friend that hes known for years and shes married and they were flirty nature with him saying "oh that image makes me hard" and "i have found an app on my phone to hide messages" and "i think ive decided im going to leave" implying me. I got up and confronted him and he told me the reason he did this was to see if he had sexual attraction to any other female apart from me then he would know its our relationship and he said he was trying to make himself hard by her and he felt nothing and started tearing up thinking he could be gay which the therapist quickly sorted out that he wasnt.

 

The other trust issue was i went to sleep and then he stayed up on his laptop one night, i looked through his history about 3 weeks later and found out he had goggled "discreet relationships" and even joined marriedaffairs.com! Yes he searched and was only on it a space of 3 mins and didnt hit anyone up but the fact is why would you do that in the first place. I asked him and he said he honestly could not remember why he would because as he keeps stressing to me if we were not together he would rather be alone than get into another relationship.

 

I have had a history of being lied to and cheated on by some guys and thats why im probably like i am by snooping however i sometimes find things like this, i feel like if he goes out which he never really does as he doesnt want me worried that he may do something behind my back. I feel like now if hes away from me he is messaging that woman again and i just feel like i cant trust. I cant carry on planning a wedding with him if its going to be like this because im going to drive myself insane. Im trying to trust him again as i do love him but its hard when all i can think about is him doing these things and quickly deleting the evidence.

 

Feel like so many things have to be fixed with us like the trust isses and the sex issues. The only time we have sex is when he gives in and does it just to make me happy but hes just not into it like he used too. I know it could have alot to do with his commitment issues which he is trying to get help with but cuddling and kissing for me wont be enough long term.

 

Has anyone been in the same situation of shed an light? Would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Hi! I hope that everyone is kind to you on here. It is admirable that you are trying to be patient in relation to his past experiences. Despite of his definite commitment issues as well. I have to say that what concerns me the most is that he was texting and talking to another woman behind your back. Not really sure if his explanation holds water. Why would he not try to contact a man if there was any thought of being gay? This suggests to me that he may not have been honest with you when directly confronted.

 

 

The other concern is that he was looking at a site for discreet relationships. Why would he do that if some kind of thought was not there? Sounds like there is more going on here than he is leading you to believe. His explanation sounds so much like an excuse once again.

 

 

I am worried that some may tend to come on here and call you out as being controlling and manipulative. Based on the fact that you were looking at his computer history. So as to make him out to be the actual victim. This will not be fair at all. He should not be texting other women nor joining relationship sites. You have a right to be sort of skeptical based on your own past and his specific actions.

 

 

One of the most important aspects of any relationship needs to be trust. It sounds as if you have some legitimate concerns. Relating to not trusting him. So, there need to be some changes should you choose to proceed. You need to decide if the relationship is worth trying to salvage at this point. If you are willing to be patient in relation to all which is going on. Only you can answer this in the end.

[cerridwen]

Has anyone been in the same situation of shed an light? Would be greatly appreciated.

 

I haven't been in your position before but I do have an opinion.

 

This situation is all kinds of wrong.

 

IMO, the question shouldn't be "How Can I Trust Again?"

The question should be "How Long Does It Take To Pack Up Half of a One-Bedroom Apartment?"

 

Your perceived lack of trust is not the problem, Strawberry.

Think about it.

He's road testing his ability to get an erection using another woman.

He's JOINED an infidelity forum.

Before he's even married!

He's questioning whether he's attracted to you--and his sexuality as a whole.

Of course you feel wobbly!

Of course you're wanting to fix things.

But does that sound like the problems are coming from you?

Despite whatever wool he's trying to pull up over your eyes, your not trusting him is NOT the issue.

 

Please don't take on the responsibility and guilt for what's going amiss.

 

My suggestion is this:

Put all the wedding stuff on hold.

Please don't succumb to the pressure of feeling like you must carry it through.

Just contact your vendors about their refund/delay policies.

Don't cancel anything yet, just don't feel pressure to HAVE to go through with things.

When you say, "I do" you'll want to feel sure about it, yeah?

And not have a gnawing, anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach?

I want that for you too, and that's why I'm encouraging you to wait.

 

If you want to give therapy more time, please do so.

But really, Strawberry, you're feeling crap for a reason a very good reason.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not into you. Sorry, OP. That's the bottom line. And he's a liar and cheater. Knowing this, you'd be a dang fool to stay and actually marry this clown.

[GemmaUK]

I would be running for the hills.

 

Mind you I would not already be living with someone who I only met in January, let alone thinking of marrying him. That is all WAAAY too much too soon!

[jacg89]

Put the wedding on hold.

He won't be offended because he is having his own issues he has to sort out. he will be relieved!

see if things change once the wedding is put on hold.

 

 

You guys are still in a new relationship. You don't even fully know each other yet. He needs to figure himself out.

Are you really happy with this guy??

If you are, wait for him. If you are not, remain friends. Who knows what your future holds together. You guys got into too much too soon, imo.

[pink_sugar]

Red flags all over. You haven't even been together a year and already having all these problems. I would put the wedding on hold right away. If it were me, I probably would have already left this guy. This is too much.