why do i pull away from him and others in my past? long

[skitzed]

well i am not sure how to start this but here goes anyways. i am in my early fourties and i have had several failed relationships. i have been with my current for over four years now and i have noticed some changes in my feelings towards him that are worrying me and frustrating me as well. these are some of things that i have noticed and if anyone can give me advise i would be thank ful.

 

when he kisses me: i feel kind of like he is in my face and it bothers me and i want to turn my head or push him away. when i am busy and he tries to kiss me, i want to shove him away from me. today he was kissing me and i am very tired and out of it feeling from taking some meds for insomnia last night that have left me very groggy this a.m., so when he was kissing me, and started kissing my neck, i wanted to smack him so hard in the face, but instead i turned away and sort of moved back out of his reach. i do this with grace mind you, i do not think he notices it because he never says anything, then i laugh and or smile to show him i am not pushing him away, but inside i am either seething or really just distracted.

 

when he wants to hold me: when he wants to hold me, i want to be as far on the other side of the room as possible. how ever he sits next to me on the couch and i cuddle next to him on the outside while on the inside i want my own space on the couch and i want him to go back to his own chair that he so much loves. at night same thing. he normally stays up way later then me and now i have gotten use to sleeping alone basically because i just go to bed around eleven an he around twelve or so. at times he does come to bed with me, i want to lay away from him and have my own room, he wants to spoon. so i spoon with him and i lay there staring at the wall wanting my own space and wishing he had not come to bed with me, but later in the night i wake up and he has his back to me and i hold him and spoon him and i fall asleep again.

 

in the morning: he comes to me to kiss me g'morning and i feel that i want to be left alone. he comes to me and tries to kiss me romantically but i feel irritated with him and his advances. even if he is only kidding around and i know he is not serious with the advances, it is still quite annoying.

 

music: i love country music and when i have on country videos he always says the same old stupid things. cowboys are suppose to have long hair are they? cowboys dont drive cadillacs do they? etc....he goes on and on with the same dumb lines and again tihs morning he says when i was watching them, that how did i get to love country music being from a big city and all. he thinks this is always funny when it is so old and today i said to him that that is getting so old.

 

okay, i've gone on long enough and i think ya all get the idea. funny thing is that i still feel i love him in my heart but these things are so annoying to me. another thing is that i work part time and when i am off work i am to "be productive". he asked me today what i am going to do and i said "NOTHING"! i did not care if he liked it or not because i am so groggy feeling from the sleeping pill that i do not care if i do not do anything. he thinks that sitting here on the computer is wasting time, or watching t.v. all day is wasting time, so i always try to be doing something but today i just dont care and i do not care if he cares either, if he does not like then too bad.

 

you know i honestly do not remember if i have felt this way with others in the past or not. that scares me because i have tried so hard to remember if i ever did and i just cant remember if i did or not. i am sure that i did because i just cant believe that he is the only guy that i've ever felt this way with, so irritated about things but maybe it is not him maybe it is something going on in me but i do not know what it is.

i am just really at a loss about my feelings towards him and i know in my heart i love him very much! that is what confuses me about my feelngs. at times i j ust wnat to shove him so far away from me, then other times i do pull him close and want to love him. what is wrong with this picture? can you help me?

[Pocky]

Have you spoken with a therapist? If you have mild depression you could be using your boyfriend as an outlet and it's not really him you're bothered by, but he closest person to you that you can use as the focal point. You're not sleeping. You seem almost lethargic in your writing - the way you describe how you want to be left alone.

[skitzed]

you know now that you mention it i DO feel kind of depressed and i think i have been feeling this way for a while now. it could be situational depression since there is a lot going on in my life right now, so yeah it could be that and i see my docotor on March8th so i will talk to her about this. thank you

[clynn]

Maybe some of us are just better living alone.

 

And only dating.