My parents feel that I am behind in maturity for my age (16).

[R3d]

And it may skew their decisions for me on certain things.

 

It's just that I have been rebelling against them due to different beliefs and opinions (I am Americanized, but my parents are from a different culture and while they don't cling to that culture too much...still) and said that I want to be independent once I start college. Like for example, they made a fit about me watching movies without telling them and me watching R rated movies because they think I am still 12 maturity-wise. I have been watching porn for quite a few months now and consuming erotic material for over a year. They gave up on the issue the next day. This is an example, because in their culture, I think it's frowned upon for people my age to be watching R rated movies. The other day they got pissed when they noticed that my bedroom door was locked (because they were gone before, so I decided to explore my sexuality using Milovana and such and try out some stuff, and this isn't the first time I have done this) and then they said later that I shouldn't be hiding things from them and that they should know "everything".

 

Basically, my rebellions and hiding things from them is the reason they think I am the equivalent of a 12-year-old in maturity. Also, because I spent a lot of time last year playing League of Legends and that "I have no control over myself with how much time I spend playing". That's why they think I am immature. Then they said that the way I am behaving thinking that I know everything about the world that there is to know is how 12 or 13-year-olds act.

 

I think their second to last point is correct, but next year I actually have other plans (like getting a job, joining clubs, developing a social life, going on dates if any girls say "yes") besides playing LoL and I told them this (except the dating part). I am not really even hiding anything. But it's not like I am going to let them walk in on me doing my thing or tell them about my sexual exploration; I mean what do they expect? And I am not actually rebelling to do any "bad" things. Mainly, I just want to be able to freely date (haven't discussed this yet with them because I can't actually get a date so far...I really don't like talking to my parents about my dating life so I am putting this off until I can actually get a date), have my privacy, and just have normal freedoms. I am actually planning on working part-time next year to earn some money so I can pay for some of my things and work towards my independence (if I want a girlfriend so bad, I should also earn some money for outings and gifts and such). You know, save up whatever I don't use for college or a car. They are also against me working too, but they will let me try and see if I can handle it with school. They threw a fit the other day and said that if I buy a car (with my own money even - if I actually earn it that is) at 18 for college, that they won't support me for college. "If you want to live the way you want to live, then I am not giving you a single dollar for college." And I told them that they aren't obligated to support me and I can support myself (it's not all about the car though (that's not that big of a deal) - in general, I do want to live the way I want to live and not need my parents' approval for anything). Then they said that they just said that in anger and that the reason they are so uptight about the car issue is because like I said, they think I am behind in maturity for reasons explained above so they feel that I won't be mature enough to have a car at 18. Plus they also feel that I won't really need it. I mainly want a car in college so I can take girls out because it might not look that pathetic if I have to get driven by my parents now, but in college I anticipate that most girls will expect you to be driving on your own and have general mobility. But really, if I can't afford it due to other expenses (like insurance and such) then I am willing to let the car wait a bit too.

 

And as for the last point about me thinking that I know everything. Yeah, I think they may be right about that to an extent, but I don't know how that translates to me being the equivalent of a 12 or 13-year-old. I heard and thought that was pretty normal for someone my age.

[bathtub-row]

While I agree that you have a right to your privacy, I think what's going on with your parents is that they're feeling a huge disconnect with you. Your actions are secretive and you're doing things against the rules of their house. They are rightfully upset about your blatant disrespect toward them.

 

While I think it's unreasonable for them to concern themselves with your personal sexual experience in the context as you describe it (although I have absolutely no idea what the one thing was that you described, and therefore can't comment on it), you should not be watching R rated movies if those are their rules. Also, I'll tell you quite honestly that porn is not something a young person should be watching at all because it has nothing to do with real life. It objectifies women and gives you a very false compass about the world of a healthy sexual relationship. Whether you agree or not, porn is shaping your mind in the wrong direction.

 

I personally don't understand why your parents don't want you to work. You should be doing that already. Work teaches you to be responsible and gives you a sense of pride.

 

Look, you're still young and you still live under your parents' roof and are dependent on them at this point in time. Because most parents are the most sincere about wanting their kids to do well in life and feel a huge responsibility to guide you in the right direction, it would go a long way if you would keep that in mind and at least let them know that you still value them and their opinions. They actually are smarter than you, and wiser but you do have a right to want to be independent and self-sufficient. That's not the trait of someone who's immature. In some ways, I can see how they're frustrating you but I'd suggest handling the conflict in a more mature way. Like sit down and talk or them about what you would like, etc. maybe there's a way to compromise.

 

As far as college is concerned, you will absolutely have the right by then to completely shake yourself of your parent's control. It's a risky move and understand that it's not always easy to get loans or grants if your parents have the funds to help you out. That has been my experience, anyway. Regardless, you can find a way to do it on your own if you want but I would give that a lot of thought. It honestly makes me cringe to hear parents hanging financial help over their children's heads over something like a car. But, here's the deal, as long as you're in the position to depend on them, you'll have to endure that kind of thing. That part of it will be your call. I wouldn't blame you for cutting yourself loose but I guess what I'm saying is don't be rash about it.

Edited August 11, 2014 by bathtub-row

[R3d]

Watching R rated movies isn't actually against their rules per se. They were just upset when I wouldn't tell them what I was watching but they let it go the next day. I was trying to watch the movie Sex Drive and I just don't feel comfortable talking about or mentioning anything that pertains to sex and dating like I said in front of my parents and who knows how they would react if they knew that I was literally watching a movie called Sex Drive. But the next day they let it go. It's just one of those quirks. That's why I am holding off on talking to them about dating until it's absolutely necessary (like I get a date). The way I was playing the movies was that I was taking the iPad downstairs and connecting it to the projector downstairs. So it's not like I had actual disks. That's why they couldn't tell what I was watching (and luckily they didn't come downstairs when I was watching it).

 

Yeah man, I think you're right. I think it's the way I am rebelling and blatantly disrespecting my parents that might be the reason they think I am immature for my age.

 

I think they are also upset because like I said, I am going against their culture. Like at first my dad was expecting me to live at home until I get married, and now we're talking about moving out for college at 18 and then staying out (aside from maybe coming back home right after college temporarily while I look for a real job) with no financial support. And then most Indian parents don't buy their children cars until the age of 21. Also, I remember my dad saying one day it's not in our culture to be watching any movie with our children between the ages of 16-18 like they do here in America. Really, I wouldn't even be allowed to date (they'll let me date for sure in college, and I am not sure about high school but I'll try my best to convince them if I can actually get a date) or even have my choice of partner, but at least I have this. Actually, as far as Indian parents go, my parents are probably the most lenient, but they still have that Indian cultural beliefs in their hearts. And me being Americanized in my opinions and beliefs, I am kind of going against all these norms in their culture.

 

I do realize that financial support from my parents is a gift and that I am not entitled to it and that's why I am trying to plan out and make it so I can survive without it if they so choose to withdraw it.

 

As for porn, of course they don't know that I watch it, but it's how I get off man. I thought it was normal to watch porn and that most people did it. It also has aided in my sexual exploration along with other sites like Milovana.

 

EDIT: This is kind of stupid but it's just that finding out how my parents think I am like a 12-year-old is kind of making me feel self-conscious and insecure now...especially when my height and baby face make me look like I am one physically...and frankly a bit worried because like I said, it may skew some of their decisions. For example, the car issue and more importantly, not allow me to date in while I am in high school. Imagine how frustrating that will be. I already can't get a date, let's say I finally do, and then my parents are like, "Nope, you aren't allowed to until college," in part because of their belief that I am still 12 maturity-wise. That will actually kind of be dysfunctional and nonsensical on their part considering how prom is coming up in less than a year so...

Edited August 11, 2014 by R3d

[bathtub-row]

You know, Leonardo Decaprio has a baby face and that never stopped the girls from pining over him. I can tell you a secret about girls and what impresses them. Most of them aren't as hung up on looks as men are. Girls are interested in your self-confidence. That's what they're attracted to. Yeah, you need to dress decent and all that but, really, just be yourself, be happy and comfortable with yourself, and girls will be interested in you.

 

I can understand where you're coming from as far as your parents. I have a son whose in his early 20's and even though I didn't let him date when he was very young, when he started driving his car at 16, I didn't have any rules about dating. Your parents are being far too strict to think they have a right to tell you if you can or cannot date when you get into college. Still, you cannot be disrespectful to them over this or any other issue. If they're going to hold you hostage over the money thing, then if I were you, I'd find a way to extract myself from their hold. Another option is to make sure the college you go to isn't anywhere near your parents.

 

It would be nice to see them get you a car now but I suppose that isn't going to happen. I'm not sure what the reasoning is on that. If they're accusing you of acting like a 12-yr old, well they're compounding that problem by not letting you grow up. You're a young man who, rightfully, deserves to exert your independence in some ways. I'm not sure what they're thinking you're going to do -- go to a college next door to them, learn to drive overnight? Well I don't understand but I want to stress to you that you must at all times be respectful of your parents. They're not of our culture and have a different way of thinking. They have also sacrificed the past 16 yrs for you and that counts for a lot. I'm sure you know that, I just want you to know that even though I don't agree with their methods, they still deserve your respect.

 

As far as porn is concerned, I'm not saying that doing what you enjoy is wrong. What I'm saying is that there's a lot of hard core stuff out there that can really warp your mind. If nothing else, please do not ever forget that you should not treat women with disrespect or treat them as though they're sex toys. They are real human beings with real feelings.

 

There is something that I think you should say to your parents that may or may not change things. Let them know that, for whatever reason they decided to come to the States, you're very thankful that they did. Let them know that you believe it was the right decision and it has made you happy. You might also add that while being raised as an American has caused the three of you to have your differences, by making the decision that they did, they changed their family tree. For better or worse - hopefully better - it changed all of you, even them. And maybe apologize to them that you don't always follow their line of thinking and religious beliefs but that you'll never forget your roots. Those words should mean a lot to them.

 

Just to give you a frame of reference, my son is a wonderful young man. He has worked since he was about 12 or so. I gave him a car when he was almost 16. He was on the swim team at school for 4 yrs and he's now at college getting a degree in industrial engineering. We have had our ups and downs but they were very few. I make sure that I respect my son, and that he respect me too. He has kind of screwed around in college and is taking longer to get his degree than he should have but he'll get it and, in the great scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal. He's now paying his own way and handling his own life. He had a gf for about 4 yrs and now he's with someone else. He has been with her for about a year. He's a stable guy overall and I'm very proud of him. The reason I tell you these things is because I don't want you to think I have no idea what I'm talking about or that I raised a brat or derelict. I wish your parents could understand that they are raising an American child, whether they like that idea or not. Still, I don't want to stir up trouble, I just want you to know that you're not completely off-base about the things you think about.

 

I think you know in your heart that you don't act like a 12-yr old. Little by little, day by day, you can show your parents that you really are a blossoming young man that they can be proud of. Some of their reticence may come from not wanting you to grow up and not wanting to lose you. Try to reassure them that you'll always be there for them and that you're proud of them. And please never forget that no matter what people think of you, if you know you're doing the right things, don't let anyone decide for you about who you are. If you start seeing yourself as a 16-yr old, everyone else will, too.

[R3d]

Well my dad will let me learn how to drive next summer (summer before senior year). But getting a car now? There's no chance in hell that's happening. They hate the idea of me buying a car at 18 and a half too (when I start college)! As of now, they don't want me buying one until 21.

 

I am not too worried about high school dating because in another thread we talked about whether having to be driven by my parents would be a deal-breaker, and they said that if it's a nice girl who isn't materialistic and all, she shouldn't mind. I could just ask her to meet me at x place and then just get there first and then be gentleman-like and also be the last one to leave. It shouldn't be that much of an impediment in high school dating.

 

For now, I am worried about the whole dating thing in high school as far as my parents. I just don't know how they're going to react or what they'll say. I know I said that I will hold off on this discussion until I actually get a date, but I am thinking about cutting to the chase and just talking to them about it in the next few days or so. The problem is I think they don't think that high schoolers actually go on formal dates, when in reality there was a study done to show that ~96.2% of high school students go on at least one date by graduation (http://web.calstatela.edu/faculty/pregan/PDF%20files/Regan%20et%20al.%20(2004)%20-%20First%20Sexual%20and%20Romantic%20Experiences.pdf - page 670). My first date idea would be to take her out for a "hike" on this nature trail near my house (so I wouldn't even need transportation for that - I could just tell her to meet me on the street next to the trail) and then she could maybe hang out at my house and I could give her something to eat or drink until it's time for her to go. I am interested in formal one-on-one dating and I know most people in high school do take part in that, but I am not sure what my parents' stance will be on this. This is because they feel that I am gullible, easily manipulated, and not very "smart" in that sense (and I'll concede and say that this is one of my weaknesses, but not to extent that they think it is), so they might cause them in being protective to not let me date. I suspect that they also think that I am not very knowledgeable when it comes to dating, though I have been surfing the internet quite a bit for the last 3.5 years, and a substantial part of that time has been spent reading, watching (YouTube videos), and asking about love, sex, relationships, dating, and courtship. Actually, they are the ones that probably don't really understand how dating works here because they came from a different culture. Now what I lack pretty much completely is actual experience, but I worry that my parents won't let me start getting that experience that I crave. And as you know, Indian parents and dating...don't go well together. But my parents are actually very lenient if you compare them to other Indian parents, so I may actually have a chance.

 

Should I just cut to the chase and talk to them even though I haven't got a date so I can relax a little and be void of any speculation and suspicion and see what they really think? It's just that I have a feeling it may actually be a bad idea to hold off until I actually get a date because then they might not let me go or there might be other complications, etc, and I am kind of getting frustrated holding this in for the last over 6 months. If so, any ideas on how I should approach this discussion?

Edited August 12, 2014 by R3d

[bathtub-row]

Yes, I would talk to them about dating. As you say, it's not wise to broach that subject once you have date planned.

[R3d]

I first sent her an email outlining how I want a girlfriend and why (I also mentioned my feelings of neediness and desperation and what I plan to do to treat that), plans for next year and what I am doing to maximize my dating potential, what I have been going through for the past few months (struggling talking to girls and insecurities), somewhat discussed the logistics of dating and what romantic relationships mean in high school, and explained how it would be unreasonable to for them to make me wait until college to date and get a girlfriend citing statistics and what I personally see with my friends and in American literature and movies. I also explained to them that while they did do a lot for me in raising me up, that shouldn't mean I get held back in growing up and experiencing life and said a few things about the car issue. I personally wonder if I maybe got carried away and told her too much.

 

She read it and the next day on the phone her response was neutral. Turns out, she didn't seem that opposed to me dating in the first place. It was and still kind of is my dad that I am worried about since he seems more conservative. That's why I only shared this with my mom first.

 

Then I talked to her face-to-face. She says that she will let me date and we also just talked about other stuff in general. But she's hesitant about letting me invite a girl over my house (if it gets to that point) and as of now doesn't want to allow it. Her reasons are actually quite understandable in my opinion. Basically:

 

1. I have a sister and she said that she wants to give me TOO much leeway because they want to match the amount of freedom I get to how much she wants to give me sister. What I am trying to say is that I am not the "limiting reagent" here; it's my sister. It's not me they are worried about - it's my sister and they don't want to give me so much freedom that my sister starts expecting that much leeway as well, if that makes any sense.

 

2. We live in a very conservative neighborhood and houses are very close together so they [the neighbors] might judge my parents for "letting their kids do whatever they want" if they see a girl coming over like that. Like I don't think most of the families in my neighborhood would even let their kids date at ALL at this age. And my parents are friends with them.

 

But as of now, she's fine with letting me go out to places with girls as formal dates and such for a couple hours or so. It's just the inviting over she's hesitant about. But maybe she'll ease up on this once she actually she's me in a relationship with a girl. I told her about how you're supposed to "meet the parents" here so maybe she'll let me on that basis, or at least let me go over her (whoever she may or may not be) house. This is very far down the line for now and even she pointed this out (I have a tendency to get carried away and start forecasting things way in the future). About the car, she told me to at least first see what college I am going to and see if most people there actually have cars. I think if it's a college in an urban area, a car might not be necessary anyway. And she did mention some precautions I should take (like making sure I don't sacrifice academic success for this and to be careful about who I associate myself with). She also briefly talked about my insecurities (the main one being my height) and luckily did not respond negatively when forced to admit my insecurity over my race and how I generally don't find girls of my own race attractive (she was the one who asked and I shyly confessed). Her reaction was neutral.

 

Overall, not bad...I am appeased now that she is allowing me to date out side of school (even though, in a somewhat limited fashion - keep in mind that in addition to just going out formally one-on-one, there are also school events and activities that you can attend to enjoy time with your SO and keep in touch through technology and school in general) and did not respond negatively to some of the stuff I admitted and somewhat eased up on the car issue. Also, the discussion wasn't as awkward as I expected it to be. I have been holding off on this discussion for maybe years now and it's because I hate talking about love, sex (we didn't really touch on this subject), relationships, dating, and courtship with my parents. As you know, it is an awkward subject to talk about with them. I also have a difficult time communicating face-to-face with them about this stuff because we speak a different language at home and don't feel comfortable speaking in English in front of them. That's why I sent an email at first. I also think the exclusion of my dad from this discussion for now helped to reduce the awkwardness because I am considerably shyer in front of him than my mom about these things. That, and while my family is generally conservative about these kind of things, my dad is more so than my mom, so I may have not received as much freedom with this that I convinced my mom to let me have had my dad also been a part of the discussion.

 

She said that she still wants to talk to my dad and let him know about all this (talk to him and show him the email). I am not too worried now that I do have her permission to let me date. And I don't really have to explain myself to him. If I can convince one parent to let me do something, usually that's all it takes.

 

I laugh back at the day when I was 10 or so and I told my parents that there's no point in getting a girlfriend and that I don't want one (I became capable of romantic and sexual attraction to members of the opposite sex when I was almost 13 - that's when I had my first crush, so a little late). And now here I am, desperate for one.

Edited August 16, 2014 by R3d

[R3d]

Actually, if anything, I am more than satisfied and feel like I lucked out, considering that mothers are usually the ones that are overprotective of their sons (like fathers are of their daughters). But she actually seems quite reasonable about this, especially because in addition to this natural feeling of overprotection mothers have of their sons, I have Indian parents (still is significant even though they're quite lenient compared to the average Indian parents).

[CarrieT]

I seriously think that exploring Milovana at the age of 16 is way too young...

 

There is stuff there that you won't need to know - or should know about - for years...

[R3d]

I seriously think that exploring Milovana at the age of 16 is way too young...

 

And exactly how is doing this at this "way too young" age detrimental?

[CarrieT]

And exactly how is doing this at this "way too young" age detrimental?

 

Sexual curiosity is a normal feature of childhood and therefore needs to provide young people with the tools that will enable you to deal with sexual content safely and successfully.

 

The world is saturated by more images today than at any other time in our modern history. Behind each of these images lies a message about expectations, values and ideals. Women are revered – and rewarded – for their physical attributes and both girls and boys are under pressure to emulate polarized gender stereotypes from a younger and younger age. The evidence collected suggests these developments are having a profound impact.

 

Healthy sexuality is an important component of both physical and mental health. When based on mutual respect between consenting partners, sex fosters intimacy, bonding and shared pleasure. What is being viewed on Milovana is unrealistic images and expectations of performance and intimacy.

 

Core cognitive learning and developmental theories demonstrate that children learn vicariously from what they see, and that exposure to themes which a child is not developmentally ready to cope with can have a detrimental effect.

 

Children and young people today are not only exposed to increasing amounts of hyper-sexualised images, you are also sold the idea that they have to look ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’. As such, you are facing pressures that kids in the past simply did not have to face. As you grow older, exposure to this imagery leads to body surveillance, or the constant monitoring of personal appearance. This monitoring can result in body dissatisfaction, a recognised risk factor for poor self-esteem, depression and eating disorders. Indeed, there is a significant amount of evidence that attests to the negative effects of sexualisation on young people in terms of mental and physical health, attitudes and beliefs.

 

In short, you are trying to grow up too fast for your own good. But, being the age that you are, you will undoubtedly disagree with me...

[littleplanet]

Sexual curiosity is a normal feature of childhood and therefore needs to provide young people with the tools that will enable you to deal with sexual content safely and successfully.

 

The world is saturated by more images today than at any other time in our modern history. Behind each of these images lies a message about expectations, values and ideals. Women are revered – and rewarded – for their physical attributes and both girls and boys are under pressure to emulate polarized gender stereotypes from a younger and younger age. The evidence collected suggests these developments are having a profound impact.

 

Healthy sexuality is an important component of both physical and mental health. When based on mutual respect between consenting partners, sex fosters intimacy, bonding and shared pleasure. What is being viewed on Milovana is unrealistic images and expectations of performance and intimacy.

 

Core cognitive learning and developmental theories demonstrate that children learn vicariously from what they see, and that exposure to themes which a child is not developmentally ready to cope with can have a detrimental effect.

 

Children and young people today are not only exposed to increasing amounts of hyper-sexualised images, you are also sold the idea that they have to look ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’. As such, you are facing pressures that kids in the past simply did not have to face. As you grow older, exposure to this imagery leads to body surveillance, or the constant monitoring of personal appearance. This monitoring can result in body dissatisfaction, a recognised risk factor for poor self-esteem, depression and eating disorders. Indeed, there is a significant amount of evidence that attests to the negative effects of sexualisation on young people in terms of mental and physical health, attitudes and beliefs.

 

In short, you are trying to grow up too fast for your own good. But, being the age that you are, you will undoubtedly disagree with me...

 

I agree with most of this.

Once upon a time society itself didn't do a half-bad job of ensuring that most kids grew up without being bombarded by age-inappropriate things. They just weren't that easy to access.

When I was 11-15, I used to haunt the local Odeon's Sunday afternoon matinees. While all my friends were at church and other activities, I'd take in 'art' movies. What was considered 'riske' back then was completely tame, by today's standards.

But they were good movies, most of them.

Maybe they let me into that theatre because I wasn't with a group of fool-headed giggly boys, I don't know.

 

There's just way too much stuff that kids can access now, and no control over it. The kids aren't responsible for it being there - society is.

Whatever parades as art or free expression - a stroll around a typical campus more than illustrates the contrast between now and back then.

And it all travels ever further down the age ladder.

When I was a kid, I liked hanging around people older than me who were sharp, and had a sense of the difference between quality and trash. Between a heathy attitude and coarse, raw, mean and cruel dark visions....the kind that chewed kids up and spit them out. The kind that hardly let a kid grow up at his own natural pace.

 

There are too many unhealthy extremes - between overprotectiveness, and getting thrown to the wolves - a real pendulum swing.

[ja123]

Sexual curiosity is a normal feature of childhood and therefore needs to provide young people with the tools that will enable you to deal with sexual content safely and successfully.

 

The world is saturated by more images today than at any other time in our modern history. Behind each of these images lies a message about expectations, values and ideals. Women are revered – and rewarded – for their physical attributes and both girls and boys are under pressure to emulate polarized gender stereotypes from a younger and younger age. The evidence collected suggests these developments are having a profound impact.

 

Healthy sexuality is an important component of both physical and mental health. When based on mutual respect between consenting partners, sex fosters intimacy, bonding and shared pleasure. What is being viewed on Milovana is unrealistic images and expectations of performance and intimacy.

 

Core cognitive learning and developmental theories demonstrate that children learn vicariously from what they see, and that exposure to themes which a child is not developmentally ready to cope with can have a detrimental effect.

 

Children and young people today are not only exposed to increasing amounts of hyper-sexualised images, you are also sold the idea that they have to look ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’. As such, you are facing pressures that kids in the past simply did not have to face. As you grow older, exposure to this imagery leads to body surveillance, or the constant monitoring of personal appearance. This monitoring can result in body dissatisfaction, a recognised risk factor for poor self-esteem, depression and eating disorders. Indeed, there is a significant amount of evidence that attests to the negative effects of sexualisation on young people in terms of mental and physical health, attitudes and beliefs.

 

In short, you are trying to grow up too fast for your own good. But, being the age that you are, you will undoubtedly disagree with me...

 

 

 

This is so well written. It could be an article.

 

 

OP, take heed.