8 months and I want out (sticky situation)

[josephrm]

I'm gonna keep this very short and simple, even though it's not a simple situation. My current girlfriend is deeply, I mean deeply in love with me. She is the best a girl has ever treated me in a relationship and she did absolutely nothing wrong. She treats me like a king. I honestly have nothing bad to say about her. Here comes the twist though. I love my ex, I fought off the feeling of loving my ex for 3 years and I can't do it anymore. I tried multiple relationships including this one to get over my ex. I know it wasn't smart. But I'm over running away. I'm ready to fix the relationship that I miss everyday for the past 3 years. I feel like a terrible person. There is no hints to my current girlfriend that I feel any sort of way. It is going to break her when I break up with her. I need help/advice/anything.. She doesn't deserve this. She also has a kid that looks up to me like a father. I'm such a home wrecker...

[Elias33]

What would hurt her more? That is what you should ask yourself. Because she is going to be hurt anyways. You may as well choose for the truth. You don't have to say you have feelings for someone else, but letting go is sometimes, also an act of love. To lie or to love. Your choice.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm gonna keep this very short and simple, even though it's not a simple situation. My current girlfriend is deeply, I mean deeply in love with me. She is the best a girl has ever treated me in a relationship and she did absolutely nothing wrong. She treats me like a king. I honestly have nothing bad to say about her. Here comes the twist though. I love my ex, I fought off the feeling of loving my ex for 3 years and I can't do it anymore. I tried multiple relationships including this one to get over my ex. I know it wasn't smart. But I'm over running away. I'm ready to fix the relationship that I miss everyday for the past 3 years. I feel like a terrible person. There is no hints to my current girlfriend that I feel any sort of way. It is going to break her when I break up with her. I need help/advice/anything.. She doesn't deserve this. She also has a kid that looks up to me like a father. I'm such a home wrecker...

 

Yes you are a home wrecker and you are a jerk.

 

Why did you invest in a relationship with your current girlfriend and LIE to her while still loving your ex?

 

You ruined her and you ruined her child. Next time think about someone other than YOURSELF. Leave your current girlfriend because she deserves way better than you, and never contact her again.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I know it must be real tough for you and I understand why things may be difficult. First of all, you can only take responsibility for yourself. I know it seems like a selfish thing to say, but if you aren't happy with how you're living, then it's going to cause different problems down the road. There's a possibility that keeping things the way they are are going to lead to worse consequences because you've got a lot of things built up inside of you. With that in mind, in the long run, it's less devastating to get it over with (provided you've made your decision and plan to commit to it 100%) rather than wait it out for some kind of miracle. Having a girlfriend is only going to mask your issues rather than actually deal with them. I thought that getting a girlfriend would make things better and, in a way, they did. However, I didn't love her. I couldn't give her my heart. I wasn't being the best boyfriend and if you say that she's a great woman, you know that she deserves a man who feels the same way about her. You're in love with your ex...and even though you may love her, to a certain degree, your love for her is limited. When you express something, you want to be authentic, but if you stay in a relationship putting on a face for the sake of someone else's happiness, you're going to be miserable. You have to consider the possibility that if she did know what you feel, she probably wouldn't waste her time with you either. If I was a woman with a child, I'd want to make sure that any man that gets close to my child, is someone who is going to stay there forever. If the role were switched and YOU were the one with the child, she'd ultimately say that's unfortunate the situation came to where it came to, but she can't commit to a relationship that she's really not willing to be in.

 

In the end, people have to make their own choices regardless. Divorces, separations, breakups, etc happen all the time; it's not right. No one should go through any of those things because heartbreak is a terrible thing to feel. But you know what? When you've made your decision, you have to do it. The sooner you take care what you need to take care of, the sooner you get better; more importantly, the sooner they get better. The question, at this point, isn't whether it's going to happen, but when. There is no right way to do it because with breakups, or whatever the case may be, are never right unless there's physical abuse and sh*t like that. Sometimes we have to do what is necessary, and I promise you that sticking with her just because you don't want to break her heart is indirectly breaking her heart. When my ex broke up with me, I wasn't upset about the fact that she broke up with me; I was upset about the fact that she waited a year to tell me that she fell out of love with me. Any kind of manipulation in relationships is far worse than the truth. The truth may hurt, but you know what? Some of our greatest fears are things we can't physically see. The truth is going to hurt, but when she sees it, she's going to be able to deal with it accordingly; and she will. She's got a kid. I can barely even take care of a dog. In the end, she'll find another man down the road, but in order for that to happen...you have to openly express yourself, be true with yourself, and give them a chance to deal with recovery.

 

You're gonna break her heart, you know that, but you've gotta say what you gotta say with every ounce of love that you feel for her. Give her that closure. Tell her the reasons why you should stay with her, but tell her why you can't. She's been through heartbreak before, so I can imagine that she'll understand even if she's upset about it. However, do NOT...and I mean...do NOT make a decision you aren't sure you can follow through with. If you're in love with someone you can't get back, or whatever the case may be, it's not wise to get into a relationship when you know it's going to lead to the same thing. In my opinion, I don't think you should get involved with women at all. Because if you drop the relationship and find someone else, you're going to indirectly punch her in the heart because she's going to assume that you don't a relationship because you can't handle a relationship with anyone else. Don't f*ck around, my man. In the end, tell her why you're breaking up, why she's a great woman who deserves a great man, tell her what you're going to be doing to deal with what you gotta deal with, tell her there's no chance of getting back together, and tell her that "I'm sorry, and I hope that one day you will forgive me for all the damage I have caused." That's it. After that point, it's not in your hands anymore. How her kid takes it isn't your concern because you've got your life to live and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. That kid deserves a man who is always going to be there; even if you stick with her, doesn't mean you will.

[josephrm]

To my defense, in my mind I was done with my ex and tried to move on forever. You can't blame me. I didn't get into this relationship intentionally knowing I will break up with her. She made me happy and I thought I needed a girl like her to get me over my ex and to fall into love with someone new. I didn't know it wouldn't work. I tried and I feel terrible. Please don't make me feel worse then I already do. I'm a good guy. With poor decisions. =(

[josephrm]

Theycallmeox I haven't got to read your response yet, the gf just showed up as I'm typing this, it looks like great advice and can't wait to get your point of view. I'll read and respond after she leaves Later tonight

[aussietigerwolf]

you got into a relationship to get over your ex and had been doing so for the past 3 years and all with the same result. Do this poor woman a favour and leave so she can find someone worthy and do the rest of the female population a favour and stop dating until you get over your ex.

[Purepony]

Is your ex gf willing to take you back?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Is your ex gf willing to take you back?

 

Million dollar freaking question right here. OP, I really hope you've broken it off with your current girlfriend. Since your decision is already made, why drag this out?

[josephrm]

Theycallmeox thank you for the advice, I was right when I said it looked good. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Purepony yes me and my ex always wanted to be together but I detached myself for certain reasons I would rather not discuss. Being that it's been 3 years I'm willing to take the chance and see if there was any change with my ex. I see it this way. I can't get over her and if she breaks my heart again that's what I probably need to get over her. At the same time if didn't give her another chance I will live the rest of my life thinking what if? Therefore future relationships would be ruined like the one I'm in now. Aussie I'm going to end the relationship I just have to figure out when, I can't do it in front of her son, and I heard somewhere public would be easier for both of us. Finding time to go out in public without the kid is actually really hard to do. She doesn't have someone to watch the kid most of the time. That answers your question as well lernaean, I haven't yet for that reason.

Edited August 11, 2014 by josephrm

[CC12]

Aussie I'm going to end the relationship I just have to figure out when, I can't do it in front of her son, and I heard somewhere public would be easier for both of us. Finding time to go out in public without the kid is actually really hard to do.

 

I think the whole "break up with someone in a public place" thing is for when you think the person is going to fly off the handle and possibly become violent. If that's the case here, then by all means, do it somewhere public. But otherwise, you've already made your decision to end it, so don't put if off any longer. Ask if you can come over when the kid is asleep because you have something important to talk to her about.

[Baudelaire]

To my defense, in my mind I was done with my ex and tried to move on forever. You can't blame me. I didn't get into this relationship intentionally knowing I will break up with her. She made me happy and I thought I needed a girl like her to get me over my ex and to fall into love with someone new. I didn't know it wouldn't work. I tried and I feel terrible. Please don't make me feel worse then I already do. I'm a good guy. With poor decisions. =(

 

No one is trying to be malicious or trying make you feel bad. You asked for "help/advice/anything" and you're being given exactly that. If you want to become a better person and have successful relationships in the future, I think it is very important for you to hear advice, guidance, etc that may make you feel crappy. You said that you got into multiple relationships, including your current one, to get over your ex-girlfriend. Then you were told how hurtful and terrible that is, and now you're trying to absolve yourself of blame and act as if you didn't know what you were doing. You specifically stated what your motives were when you got into those multiple relationships, so you absolutely are to blame and you need to take responsibility for selfishly destroying the heart of that poor woman and her child.

 

I'm sure you do feel bad, but man, I cannot imagine how I would feel if my ex, a man that I loved intensely and was seriously committed to, informed me that all along, he was using me to get over another woman that he was still in love with. That is just the ultimate slap in the face. Well, really, it's worse than that.

 

Please do not ever do this to another woman. Your current girlfriend and her child didn't deserve to be used and toyed with. If you are still not over your ex and you are still experiencing pain from the breakup, do not bring an innocent bystander into the mix, drag them down with you, and break their heart. That is selfish and unfair. Heal yourself completely before becoming involved with another person.

[sm2281]

Please just break up now.

[josephrm]

Thanks for the advice guys. After today I made up my mind. Hopefully it will be ended no longer then a week from now. I will keep you guys updated. We had something planned for a couple months now in a few days. After that, I will end it. I don't wanna put anyone's money to waste since it was already paid for.

[CC12]

Thanks for the advice guys. After today I made up my mind. Hopefully it will be ended no longer then a week from now. I will keep you guys updated. We had something planned for a couple months now in a few days. After that, I will end it. I don't wanna put anyone's money to waste since it was already paid for.

 

You're procrastinating and you're making up reasons to put it off. "Hopefully it will be ended no longer then a week from now." Don't do that. You know you want to break it off with her. Do it tomorrow.

 

That thing you have planned will have to be canceled. Stop putting it off.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Thanks for the advice guys. After today I made up my mind. Hopefully it will be ended no longer then a week from now. I will keep you guys updated. We had something planned for a couple months now in a few days. After that, I will end it. I don't wanna put anyone's money to waste since it was already paid for.

 

 

 

So, you're going to have some fun, romantic getaway/event thing and THEN end it with her!? Oh my god...I don't even know what to say. You are really dragging your feet on this one to all new and even more disgusting degrees. I don't mean to jump down your throat but you have a startling lack of awareness or consideration for other people's feelings.

 

Do you have any idea how much more painful this will be for her once you drop this bomb on her so soon after whatever "thing" it is you have planned? She's going to be so hurt and confused, wondering what she could have possibly done to make your feelings toward her change so swiftly.

 

You've made like, at least three excuses as to why you just have to wait days or even weeks, all of them lame and irrational. You don't want to be with her anymore. She deserves at least some semblence of the dignity and respect she's shown you all this time.

 

You say she's a great girl and has treated you well yet this is how you repay her? By dragging this out and taking your time in setting her free?

 

[TAV]

Yes, this is just what your gf and her son need; for you to play the perfect bf/stepdad during your 'thing' and then just run out on them. For whose benefit is that, OP? Yours, isn't it? It makes you feel better to show them a good time, spend some money on them probably, it eases you conscience. You sure as hell aren't doing it for them.

 

Do you like the fact that you have this power of her? Is that what is lacking in your relationship with your ex? Is your ex the one who has all the power over you?

 

I believed you were a 'good guy' the first few posts in this thread but you have turned into a real .... now postponing this only to make yourself feel better about breaking up with her. Grow some balls, will you.

[SycamoreCircle]

Why are you asking for more advice for the same problem? You want someone to tell you 100% to dump her?

 

You're not looking for advice. You're looking for someone to give you what you want.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, for Pete's sake, OP...just break up with her already. Do not wait until after this thing you have planned. That is again putting your selfish interest ahead of her feelings. Do not do this in a public place. "Hopefully" it will be ended in a week? Put on your big-boy pants and take control of the situation. She is going to be better off without a guy who leads her on. Sorry, but I think you're approaching this in a cowardly way. Time to grow up.

[josephrm]

You're procrastinating and you're making up reasons to put it off. "Hopefully it will be ended no longer then a week from now." Don't do that. You know you want to break it off with her. Do it tomorrow.

 

That thing you have planned will have to be canceled. Stop putting it off.

 

I do not mean to procrastinate. I understand it's best to do it right now. Obviously, I'm hearing it from everyone. But I'm sure you been in a break up situation and it's not exactly the easiest thing to do. I don't see what's the difference if I did it 3 days from today opposed to today. 3 days is a very slight difference especially when I thinks it's what's best. It would be selfish of me to blow off our plans and leave her with tickets that were paid for and can't use. If I was smart I would've done it a week ago so she had time to find a support to go with her instead. But that's not an option right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

I do not mean to procrastinate. I understand it's best to do it right now. Obviously, I'm hearing it from everyone. But I'm sure you been in a break up situation and it's not exactly the easiest thing to do. I don't see what's the difference if I did it 3 days from today opposed to today. 3 days is a very slight difference especially when I thinks it's what's best. It would be selfish of me to blow off our plans and leave her with tickets that were paid for and can't use. If I was smart I would've done it a week ago so she had time to find a support to go with her instead. But that's not an option right now.

 

You're trying to make yourself feel better about dumping her. Imagine it from her perspective for a moment: "I had a great time on this planned event/excursion with boyfriend - so romantic! Then got dumped immediately after. He knew the whole time he was going to end it and led me to believe everything was dandy -how could he play me for such a fool?"

 

Sound considerate to you? I feel sorry for this poor woman. She has no idea what's coming.

[SoThatHappened]

Thanks for the advice guys. After today I made up my mind. Hopefully it will be ended no longer then a week from now. I will keep you guys updated. We had something planned for a couple months now in a few days. After that, I will end it. I don't wanna put anyone's money to waste since it was already paid for.

My ex did this to me. We had tickets to a comedy show that she bought for Valentine's Day. The comedy show wasn't until the end of May.

 

Two weeks before the comedy show, I felt the switch thrown. I knew something was up. Turns out, she was messing around with a co-worker.

 

Those 2 weeks while I was still in the dark sucked. I knew something was going on.

 

She waited until after the show to drop the bomb on me. I wish she would have just told me the second it happened. Instead, she strung me along.

 

Don't do that to people.

[josephrm]

And it's not a romantic getaway or anything spectacular. Its just expensive tickets to a show. I genuinely care about her well being and maybe I am looking at this the wrong way. In that case I feel even more sorry. If I wanted to do this my way I wouldn't of came on this site for advice. I can tell you right now. You guys did help me a lot in my decision. So don't think the advice your giving isn't actually helping because it is. My previous relationships I did not step up as a man and do things the right way. This girl deserves what's right and that's why I'm here. So please don't look at me as a jerk. I'm trying my best. This is very hard.

[Zahara]

It's going to cause her even more confusion if you do it after the show. You see it on here all the time. Dumpees confused and extremely hurt because after having a great time together, they're confronted with an ending.

 

This is all about you. What's comfortable for you, not what's right for her. You've dragged her long enough with a semi investment on your part. Stop dragging it on.

 

And yes, you got into this relationship not anticipating an ending but you were using it to help get over and move on from your ex. This is why time and time again, it is advised to completely heal and move on, taking care of unresolved feelings before you drag someone, who's coming to the table with an open heart and mind, hoping to invest in a full relationship.

 

You want to do the right thing. Then tell her and let her move on. She's not going to worry about the price of tickets at this point.

[BC1980]

So here's my question. When is the last time you talked to your ex of 3 years ago? Certainly, you have some idea that she would take you back before you leave the current girlfriend?