8 months and I want out (sticky situation)

[josephrm]

So here's my question. When is the last time you talked to your ex of 3 years ago? Certainly, you have some idea that she would take you back before you leave the current girlfriend?

 

Today. I know, so wrong of me. I get it. I will try my best too end this soon.

[Missy0724]

Me ex did this to me. It doesn't matter if there is a chance or not re: you reconciling with your ex.

 

The point is you made the choice to get involved with someone (more seriously than just casual dating) knowing someone else in your head!

 

That is so wrong! That's emotional cheating, IMO. Yes, we sometimes go into new relationships not completely over the previous one, or some lingering, residual pain, memories. But that's very different than being in love with someone else, thinking about and wanting to maybe get back with that other person. How can you give your current partner 100% of your emotional attention? So unfair and irresponsible.

 

Yes, let her go. She deserves better, if that's honestly how you feel. How would you feel if she still pining for her ex? Thinking of another, dreaming of someone else? Maybe thinking of another man when you are being intimate together? SO hurtful, yes.

 

Part of being a mature, responsible adult is making choices where it's not all about YOU and your selfish needs, wants. Don't get into an exclusive, intimate relationship when still emotionally wrapped up in another. People get hurt. And that's not a "mistake". People know and do it any way. That's HS, "boy", "girl" behavior. Yes, grow up! Treat others how you'd like to be treated! Put yourself in her shoes! Poor thing! Good luck to her!

[Zahara]

Today. I know, so wrong of me. I get it. I will try my best too end this soon.

 

I feel so sorry for this woman. You dragged her while you used the relationship to get over your ex. Now you're in contact with the ex and going behind her back.

 

Stop saying you're sorry and lamenting how wrong it all is and do something about it. Utterly selfish everything that you've done, even now while you wait to do it when it feels right for YOU.

[travelbug1996]

The level of selfishness these days that people display is absolutely deplorable. More than likely your selfishness (if not addressed) will continue to negatively impact other people you claim to care for. Especially the Ex you claim to be so in love with now. How do you know you love your X? Maybe its just your selfish pride and ego that wants her back.

 

Does you Ex know you're in a serious relationship with someone you're trying to break up with? hmmm

Edited August 12, 2014 by travelbug1996

[Zahara]

My previous relationships I did not step up as a man and do things the right way. This girl deserves what's right.

 

And you're not stepping up again. Enough talk. Just do.

 

Unbelievable.

[josephrm]

I don't understand why I'm being called selfish so much. I understand my mistake of getting into a relationship while still having feelings for the ex was a bad decision. Everything that happened in my current girlfriends relationship was sincere though. I did have feelings for her and I did love her and my ex was out of the picture completely. The problem is she always comes back to my mind and that's when things get bad. And I believe I'm doing the right thing. I came here for advice and im going to end the relationship because the advice everyone gave me was good. I feel terrible already, have you forgot why I'm here? Because this is tearing me apart. And before you call me selfish again, it's not killing me because I don't want to deal with this. Its killing me because I don't want to hurt someone who was such a great person. I realize I have already done this and that's why I'm hurting so much. People always feel sympathy for the person being broke up with because they have been there. Including myself. I know it hurts terribly. I hate hurting people. I am far from selfish. This is the last thing I wanted to ever happen. I really believed in my heart this girl will change how I felt about my ex because I loved this girl. Your all making it sound like I entered this relationship hoping to grow feelings that will overcome the feelings I have for my ex. Which isn't true. I'm sorry if anything I said made it seem that way. I got into my current relationship because I did feel something with her. I felt I can have a future with her. I felt that the pain of my ex will no longer even be existent because of this girl. But that proved not to be true.

[Zahara]

I tried multiple relationships including this one to get over my ex.

 

This is what you call selfish.

 

You don't get into relationships to get over someone. It's unfair to each person coming into your life that's emotionally available and honest with their intent.

 

Your statement indicates this is not the first time you've done it. You've used people/relationships to get over your ex. It's called being selfish.

 

So, now you're talking to the ex behind your gf's back. From Day 1, your actions have always been about you and what works for you.

 

Again, enough of talking. Let the woman go and for gods sake, if it doesn't work out with your ex, don't run back to this poor woman or start another relationship until you're completely over your ex. You don't get to use people or relationships to fill your voids or to test out the possibility of them helping you get over your ex.

 

I had a guy do this to me. No sympathy for you because you knew exactly what you were doing and you kept doing it.

Edited August 12, 2014 by Zahara

[josephrm]

I apologize for that quote, the "including this one" was not meant to be said. That was my guilty conscience putting the blame on myself. I don't blame others for my actions ever. I always take the blame. And to me at that time I believed maybe I was doing the same thing I did with my previous girlfriends. Yes I have done that multiple times but it wasn't with this relationship. After my last relationship I told myself that has to end and I tried to get over my ex before jumping into another relationship. Just like everyone else is telling me to do. In fact before I even got into my current relationship I told her that I'm not ready for a relationship and wouldn't allow anything to happen. I got drunk one night and the words I love you slipped out because as much as I told myself no to relationships I did have genuine feelings for this girl. At that point I already opened up a can of worms and she took it as anyone would. We fell into the bf gf lifestyle and it just stuck. I was happy, things were going good. I loved her and her son. I thought about the future and worked towards making it happen. I still care about her but not as much as I feel I should. I felt a greater love and that's why this needs to end. I do love her still she's a great person and a great girlfriend but it's not right to hide my true feelings. I hope this opens up the understanding of the story. I guess leaving out information doesn't exactly tell the whole story in which is needed to be given the appropriate advice. Hope this clears the story up a little.

[Zahara]

Regardless of the "full" story. Stop waiting for the right time. There is no right time. It will hurt her today, tomorrow, next week or next month. The fact that you're now talking to an ex that you're emotionally attached to and hoping to get back with is stepping on the borders of emotionally cheating. Let this woman go and don't do it after the event. You will cause her more confusion and turmoil. You want to be a man that does the right thing, then stop stalling and waiting for when it's right for you.

[josephrm]

Regardless of the "full" story. Stop waiting for the right time. There is no right time. It will hurt her today, tomorrow, next week or next month. The fact that you're now talking to an ex that you're emotionally attached to and hoping to get back with is stepping on the borders of emotionally cheating. Let this woman go and don't do it after the event. You will cause her more confusion and turmoil. You want to be a man that does the right thing, then stop stalling and waiting for when it's right for you.

 

The event is tomorrow. Doing it this soon just seems like a smack in the face. I don't know..

[Zahara]

The event is tomorrow. Doing it this soon just seems like a smack in the face. I don't know..

 

Cancel the event and tell her tomorrow. Enough of this facade. You've considered no one but yourself and the discomfort you feel. You have the audacity to talk to the ex behind gf's back while gf is blissfully ignorant but worry about telling her "so soon" being a smack in her face? Are you serious?

[SoThatHappened]

The event is tomorrow. Doing it this soon just seems like a smack in the face. I don't know..

 

Been on the other side of your situation.

 

Let her go. Be honest. Then leave her alone for good.

 

Karma may be a beeyotch and bite you right in the @$$.

 

Just so ya know.

[josephrm]

I will be waiting until after the event. That's the bottom line. I will let you guys know what happens. I'm not gonna go back and forth on this because I'm going to end up doing this anyway. Everything happened too suddenly and it's a lot for me to take in. I don't have it in me to end this relationship right now. I just can't do it. Call me weak, call me selfish. Idk what to tell you guys. This is too hard. I hate, absolutely hateeee hurting people.

[Zahara]

I will be waiting until after the event. That's the bottom line. I will let you guys know what happens. I'm not gonna go back and forth on this because I'm going to end up doing this anyway. Everything happened too suddenly and it's a lot for me to take in. I don't have it in me to end this relationship right now. I just can't do it. Call me weak, call me selfish. Idk what to tell you guys. This is too hard. I hate, absolutely hateeee hurting people.

 

You hate hurting people? How do you think she would feel if she knew you're communicating with an ex you love? You didn't stop yourself from doing that or even consider how she would feel. You did it anyway because it fulfilled YOUR needs.

 

Like I said, it's all about you. It's not about hurting people. It's about your guilt and your inability to face it.

 

I feel so sorry for this woman. I hope you do it soon and leave her alone. And stop getting into relationships until you've resolved your feelings for the ex.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

 

I'm sure you do feel bad, but man, I cannot imagine how I would feel if my ex, a man that I loved intensely and was seriously committed to, informed me that all along, he was using me to get over another woman that he was still in love with. That is just the ultimate slap in the face. Well, really, it's worse than that.

 

 

And then there are the ones who get mad because you ask them for more time so that the relationship can be good. One example: this girl who likes me. She wants a relationship but I see she got kinda mad because I asked for more time.

 

You know OP, it was a really low thing to do. If you sincerely like someone and not just feel lonely you could at least ask them to take things slow.

[BC1980]

I will be waiting until after the event. That's the bottom line. I will let you guys know what happens. I'm not gonna go back and forth on this because I'm going to end up doing this anyway. Everything happened too suddenly and it's a lot for me to take in. I don't have it in me to end this relationship right now. I just can't do it. Call me weak, call me selfish. Idk what to tell you guys. This is too hard. I hate, absolutely hateeee hurting people.

 

What do you mean by the bolded statement? Did you initiate contact with your ex, or did she? I'm just curious, but how long have you been talking to her?

[BC1980]

I apologize for that quote, the "including this one" was not meant to be said. That was my guilty conscience putting the blame on myself. I don't blame others for my actions ever. I always take the blame. And to me at that time I believed maybe I was doing the same thing I did with my previous girlfriends. Yes I have done that multiple times but it wasn't with this relationship. After my last relationship I told myself that has to end and I tried to get over my ex before jumping into another relationship. Just like everyone else is telling me to do. In fact before I even got into my current relationship I told her that I'm not ready for a relationship and wouldn't allow anything to happen. I got drunk one night and the words I love you slipped out because as much as I told myself no to relationships I did have genuine feelings for this girl. At that point I already opened up a can of worms and she took it as anyone would. We fell into the bf gf lifestyle and it just stuck. I was happy, things were going good. I loved her and her son. I thought about the future and worked towards making it happen. I still care about her but not as much as I feel I should. I felt a greater love and that's why this needs to end. I do love her still she's a great person and a great girlfriend but it's not right to hide my true feelings. I hope this opens up the understanding of the story. I guess leaving out information doesn't exactly tell the whole story in which is needed to be given the appropriate advice. Hope this clears the story up a little.

 

So you did know you weren't ready for a relationship, and you told her you loved her when you were drunk. So you didn't really love her when you told her that, but you allowed her to think it? Dang. At the very least, you are extremely naive about your own intentions, but I think you know better than to do what you did.

[CC12]

I will be waiting until after the event. That's the bottom line.

 

Can I ask what is so important about this event that it can't be missed?

 

Does she not have many friends who could go with her at the last minute? Could she just take her kid instead?

 

I don't see how she would benefit from you waiting until after the event. Only you would benefit from it, and I think that's why people are calling your behavior selfish. It would actually be to her detriment if you went to the event then broke up with her because she would feel foolish and betrayed. You're leaving her for someone else. That alone is going to make her feel humiliated. Don't make it worse.

 

Wouldn't it be a more dignified split-up if you said, "I'm sorry the timing of this is awkward, but the tickets are yours and I hope you can find someone to go with and still have a good time." And if she was the one who paid for the tickets, pay her back for both of them and wish her well.

[josephrm]

What do you mean by the bolded statement? Did you initiate contact with your ex, or did she? I'm just curious, but how long have you been talking to her?

 

No I did not initialize contact. I delete my ex's number every time we talk. She is usually in a relationship when I'm single and I think there's no chance and try to move on with my life. Then I get in a relationship then she's single and then she gets in contact with me. I never know who's calling or texting when I answer for the first time because I delete her number. Then I usually tell her I'm taken and she thinks there's no chance so she finds someone. Then it repeats. Its a vicious cycle for 3 years. So now I'm going to make it so I'm so single and see what happens because obviously this will not stop haunting me until I give this relationship a second chance. Sink or swim I'm happy because I realize now I will never be in a serious relationship unless I fulfill this what if fantasy.

[josephrm]

Can I ask what is so important about this event that it can't be missed?

 

Does she not have many friends who could go with her at the last minute? Could she just take her kid instead?

 

I don't see how she would benefit from you waiting until after the event. Only you would benefit from it, and I think that's why people are calling your behavior selfish. It would actually be to her detriment if you went to the event then broke up with her because she would feel foolish and betrayed. You're leaving her for someone else. That alone is going to make her feel humiliated. Don't make it worse.

 

Wouldn't it be a more dignified split-up if you said, "I'm sorry the timing of this is awkward, but the tickets are yours and I hope you can find someone to go with and still have a good time." And if she was the one who paid for the tickets, pay her back for both of them and wish her well.

 

No she doesn't have anyone else. She is a single mom and her kid is 2 years old and can't take him. Her one friend already said she can't. I tried to get out of going to the event by picking up hours at work but she threw a fit and started crying because she been looking forward to it for months. If I'm gonna leave her that's enough pain. I at least want to let her enjoy this show she's been waiting months to see. If I leave beforehand it will be cruel. She told me already that she won't go if I'm not going and I know how much she wanted to see this. So whether people think I'm the bad person for not leaving her before or not, I'm going to wait. Because I believe its for the better to go.

[CC12]

No she doesn't have anyone else. She is a single mom and her kid is 2 years old and can't take him. Her one friend already said she can't. I tried to get out of going to the event by picking up hours at work but she threw a fit and started crying because she been looking forward to it for months. If I'm gonna leave her that's enough pain. I at least want to let her enjoy this show she's been waiting months to see. If I leave beforehand it will be cruel. She told me already that she won't go if I'm not going and I know how much she wanted to see this. So whether people think I'm the bad person for not leaving her before or not, I'm going to wait. Because I believe its for the better to go.

 

Eh. Fair enough, I guess. Thanks for explaining your reasoning. I'm not sure I agree with your decision, but I understand a bit more now why you want to go to this thing.

 

Good luck.

[josephrm]

Eh. Fair enough, I guess. Thanks for explaining your reasoning. I'm not sure I agree with your decision, but I understand a bit more now why you want to go to this thing.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for understanding, I'll keep you updated.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Eh. Fair enough, I guess. Thanks for explaining your reasoning. I'm not sure I agree with your decision, but I understand a bit more now why you want to go to this thing.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Yeah, tbh I'm starting to now as well. I mean, she'll be gutted and humiliated the next day and likely feel even worse knowing that he only attended the show with her out of pity but at least she'll get her one last hurrah. And, oddly enough, as sarcastic as that sounded, I was actually being sincere.

 

Case in point: Arctic Monkeys were in town last weekend. I'd been dying to go. I guess if I had to choose between missing the show altogether because my BF broke up with me the day before or seeing the show andhaving my BF break up with me the day after....like as not, I'd choose after.

 

One thing I can say for certain is, there's not a single soul in this saga whose shoes I'd like to be in today, tomorrow or any day hereafter.

[TAV]

Today. I know, so wrong of me. I get it. I will try my best too end this soon.

 

You will try you best? Are you being controlled by some mysterious puppet master? You do like to put yourself in the victim role, don't you!

 

As far as the whole story about picking up the phone 'not knowing it is your ex' story. Does she change her number every 5 minutes? She is your ex. You know her number by heart. And if she has changed it since surely you recognize the digits by now when they show up on your screen. You really are good at lying to yourself huh? Must be hard to have all this 'happening' to you, you poor soul.

 

And you still have not managed to find that pair of balls, I read. I will not be surprised when you find another excuse not to break up with her just yet after the show.

 

And if you do manage to be a man (and not a mouse) you better not be back here in a few months saying that your ex played you all along and that you regret breaking up with the best woman you ever had.

 

Now that would make you really a fool, wouldn't it...

[josephrm]

You will try you best? Are you being controlled by some mysterious puppet master? You do like to put yourself in the victim role, don't you!

 

As far as the whole story about picking up the phone 'not knowing it is your ex' story. Does she change her number every 5 minutes? She is your ex. You know her number by heart. And if she has changed it since surely you recognize the digits by now when they show up on your screen. You really are good at lying to yourself huh? Must be hard to have all this 'happening' to you, you poor soul.

 

And you still have not managed to find that pair of balls, I read. I will not be surprised when you find another excuse not to break up with her just yet after the show.

 

And if you do manage to be a man (and not a mouse) you better not be back here in a few months saying that your ex played you all along and that you regret breaking up with the best woman you ever had.

 

Now that would make you really a fool, wouldn't it...

 

Actually yes she changed her phone number numerous times. She doesn't use a plan like I do. She uses the pre paid straight talk phones. If you read anything I said you would know that I don't mind if things work out between me and my ex. Whether she leaves, hurts me again, I lose feelings, or ends up actually working out I will be happy. This is what I need to finally move on. If it doesn't work out I will no longer want to give the relationship another chance. I can finally move forward. If it does work out then I made a good decision and I can be with the person I love. Then for my current girlfriend (soon to be ex), I'm not breaking up with her for my ex. I'm breaking up with her because I don't love her as much as I loved my ex. Knowing I can love somebody more tells me that this relationship was heading for a breakup. Better now as in this week opposed to months or years from now when my love for her completely vanishes.