8 months and I want out (sticky situation)

[josephrm]

One thing I can say for certain is, there's not a single soul in this saga whose shoes I'd like to be in today, tomorrow or any day hereafter.

 

Tell me about it =/

[Omei]

OP you're extreamly selfish you know what my ex did to me? Visited me for a week we spent lovely times together meanwhile he planned to break up with me after the trip we took he spent lots of money he didn't care as long as he felt better meanwhile im left in shock thinking we had grown closer as a couple and he spent time with my child after being absent for months (it was a ldr two different country's) when she could of handled him being gone instead of the visit and having that refresher and assurance that he was apart of our lives when he didnt plan to be at all I still feel like a fool and betrayed.

 

Sorry but your a total dick you understand and realize you will be playing her for a fool but won't do the right thing because its too hard for •you• but you will still do it anyway so you can feel better knowing your money was well spent pr whatever the hell validations you need to tell yourself, you cant even break up with a girl that's treated you right, honestly you're too selfish to be within a relationship if you cant even end it without pulling blinds over her eyes and hopefully the ex won't return to you as well and that will save her some future heart ach from your selfishness.

 

Both the start and end of this relationship was selfish.

[josephrm]

For your information my ex will return. Also I'm sick of being called selfish so I'm done saying the same thing over and over again. I'll update when the breakup is done. I see her tomorrow. Going to try and end it then. Yes I said try. I don't care what you people calling me selfish think anymore. I should of never came here for advice because you guys aren't helping the situation. Your all about drama and want to stir things up. It's what I should've expected from a bunch of whiney girls who had there heart broken recently. Don't let out your anger on someone you don't even know. Your the ones that need the advice. Grow up and deal with your problems a different way. Your all bringing out a side of me that people rarely see. I'm not an angry person.

[Zahara]

"The monkey that won't let go of the branch until it has a hold of the next branch."

 

That's you.

 

I have a feeling you're going to drag this gf until you securely have your ex in your life. That's why you emphasize on the word "try".

 

No one is letting out their anger on you. You fail to step into the shoes of the other person because those that have had experience with this are telling you that it is selfish and cruel. We've been in her shoes. If that meant anything to you in a mature sense, you would be able to apply it to your situation with your ex and do the right thing for HER. You don't do the right thing for you, BUT FOR HER. You're entitled.

 

The only reason you lash and hit below the belt is because you hate hearing the truth about yourself.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Zahara

[me85]

You're not a home wrecker.

 

Just make sure you know what you want this time.

 

You're not a bad guy, you're just a bit of a coward for running away from the ex you've tried not to love anymore for the last 3 years.

 

You don't have to give your GF the nitty gritty. She doesn't need to know you're hung up on your ex but if you want to go big before you go home then I guess go for it. That would be very brave of you and I'd have much respect for ya. However, if you can't find the courage to be completely honest, just tell her she is wonderful in every possible way but that you're not in love with her. When she asks why tell her that you don't know. You love her but you know that she deserves better. It's going to break her heart, yes, but you have to be honest with her. Give her that much respect.

 

You've only been together 8 months...she will take it hard but she will get over it sooner than you think.

 

Don't let your guilt keep you from doing the right thing.

 

Now you know not to run off when you love someone. Your ex may not take you back but you can't be with anyone until you're completely over her. You should stay single not use other girls to fill a void.

Edited August 13, 2014 by me85

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Doth protest too much. No need to get so defensive, OP. You seem to be rooted firmly in your decision to "try" and break up with your gf (after the special event) so own it and stop getting so upset over other people's opinions.

 

My ex took me to a beautiful resort the week before he broke up with me. We had made love, exchanged I love yous. After the break up, I kept thinking, " why would he take me there if he didn't want to me with me anymore.." It honestly made me more confused.

 

In any case, you do seem to care about this girl but there is no "good time" to break up and you will not lessen her pain by waiting. The sooner the better is my best advice. You and your gf both deserve happiness. Be true to yourself but it is equally important to be true to the one you love as well. If you love her, let her go now.

 

Good luck.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Also I'm sick of being called selfish so I'm done saying the same thing over and over again. I'll update when the breakup is done. I see her tomorrow. Going to try and end it then. Yes I said try. I don't care what you people calling me selfish think anymore. I should of never came here for advice because you guys aren't helping the situation. Your all about drama and want to stir things up. It's what I should've expected from a bunch of whiney girls who had there heart broken recently. Don't let out your anger on someone you don't even know. Your the ones that need the advice. Grow up and deal with your problems a different way. Your all bringing out a side of me that people rarely see. I'm not an angry person.

 

 

Okay hold on a minute there, you came here for advice and that is EXACTLY what you got. You just didn't like it. This site isn't a hugbox or a circlejerk existing only to make you and others like you feel better. Helpful hint, no one gives a good goddamn what side of you we're 'bringing out' or whether you're typically not an angry person. Don't go anywhere asking for help if you don't really want it hon.

 

If a man goes to the hospital with a hole in his chest and the doctor tells him he's been shot, he should accept the assessment, not sit there arguing about how it isn't a bullet wound, it's a papercut.

 

You came here with symptoms and more experienced folks gave you a diagnosis. Take it or leave it kid. But bear in mind leaving it doesn't make the truth any less so. Everyone in this thread who has called you selfish or anything like it is only doing so because THAT is what your actions are telling them.

 

Obviously you only came here hoping random strangers would side with you. Sadly (for you) that didn't happen. Take it or leave it.

[TAV]

For your information my ex will return. Also I'm sick of being called selfish so I'm done saying the same thing over and over again. I'll update when the breakup is done. I see her tomorrow. Going to try and end it then. Yes I said try. I don't care what you people calling me selfish think anymore. I should of never came here for advice because you guys aren't helping the situation. Your all about drama and want to stir things up. It's what I should've expected from a bunch of whiney girls who had there heart broken recently. Don't let out your anger on someone you don't even know. Your the ones that need the advice. Grow up and deal with your problems a different way. Your all bringing out a side of me that people rarely see. I'm not an angry person.

 

That's rich coming from you; telling us to grow up.

 

And thanks for the classification but I passed the stage of being a girl a long time ago and I'm very happily in love, thank you very much. I would never treat my bf the way you are treating your gf because he simply deserves more from me.

 

I'm grown up to realise that sometimes in life you can't sugar coat bad news like this. There is no way you are going to come out of this smelling of roses.

 

We've had other posters on LS with a conscience was troubling them and they came to LS hoping to find people telling them 'big thumbs up' and then when other posters' moral compass tells them thumbs down instead they complain about the advice they are getting.

 

Maybe you real life friends & family can give you that pat on your back you are looking for. Or maybe you've tried that already?

 

I just really wish you would take a deep breath and tell the girl already instead of letting her and her young child get more attached to you. It shows a great lack of respect the way you are treating her, no matter how you want to paint it.

[Omei]

For your information my ex will return. Also I'm sick of being called selfish so I'm done saying the same thing over and over again. I'll update when the breakup is done. I see her tomorrow. Going to try and end it then. Yes I said try. I don't care what you people calling me selfish think anymore. I should of never came here for advice because you guys aren't helping the situation. Your all about drama and want to stir things up. It's what I should've expected from a bunch of whiney girls who had there heart broken recently. Don't let out your anger on someone you don't even know. Your the ones that need the advice. Grow up and deal with your problems a different way. Your all bringing out a side of me that people rarely see. I'm not an angry person.

Sorry you feel ganged on but truth hurts when its not what you want to hear.

 

People here are not speaking to you to try rile you up or purposly make you angry but giving you soild advice on how this women is going to feel after you play pretend.

 

And because you dont like whats being said because its not in your favor you're telling the majority that they need help because they are not siding with someone who's a coward to be honest to someone who deserves it, by how you speak of this entire situation and to the responces given telling you that your going to cause her more hurt in the end the main goal so far has been about how to make this easier on yourself, I stand by my comments.

 

Your ex may take you back now but exs are always exs for a reason and at some point that will resurface and be brought back into light again. (in most cases)

 

Tbh your main concern just seems to be with getting your moneys worth out of the tickets than the actual breakup.

 

As for the whiny broken hearted comment there is a fair majority of men giving you the very same perspective, if anything you're about to make another whiny broken hearted confused women because you cant just come forward with what you want instead your waiting for when its best for you with no thought as to when its best for her which is right now.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Omei

[Miss Match]

Ladies, It's pretty obvious that everything you are saying is falling on deaf ears.

Co dependant "boys" like the OP always think of themselves and their owns needs.

 

His main concern is that he "hates hurting people" which he ironically fails to see he is doing anyway by focusing on his own feelings.

 

Basically he is saying.... "Poor me, I'm going to hurt someone. Can't you all see how hard this is on me that I have to break someones heart to pursue my own dreams?"

 

I doubt this guy has ever spent any real time being single. Zahara is totally right that he will always have the next thing lined up before ending the previous. Never wanting to hurt people but never actually accepting that it's his co dependant disfunction that gets him into relationships he doesn't really want and inevitably hurting people. But people like this are never are single long enough to realise this. Always distracting themselves from their wake with the next relationship.

 

It's pathetic.

[letsplaygofish2]

I've been reading the comments and really have nothing to add to the negative remarks about selfishness.

 

However, here are some questions that I have for you:

• What is it that you had with your ex that made it so special? Are you being realistic about what it was or is it just a fantasy?

• And, do you think that your ex is a convenient excuse to get out of the relationship because you are not being fulfilled in certain areas of the relationship with your current gf?

 

My comments about breaking up are to please proceed gently. I was dumped very suddenly after an intense 8 month relationship (living together) and he moved out, lied about seeing someone else without giving me the courtesy of closure or respect. He stopped answering my calls when all I wanted was answers. Then suddenly he conveniently forgot who I was. Anyway, that's another story...

 

Your gf may beg, cry, moan, whine and do everything in her power to get you back, but please know that you are in a position that could devastate and shatter her foundation. Be there for her. Be a gentleman. Be kind to her. Know that grief and detachment is not an easy process. Do it for yourself and do it for her.

 

Good luck!

[josephrm]

Ladies, It's pretty obvious that everything you are saying is falling on deaf ears.

Co dependant "boys" like the OP always think of themselves and their owns needs.

 

His main concern is that he "hates hurting people" which he ironically fails to see he is doing anyway by focusing on his own feelings.

 

Basically he is saying.... "Poor me, I'm going to hurt someone. Can't you all see how hard this is on me that I have to break someones heart to pursue my own dreams?"

 

I doubt this guy has ever spent any real time being single. Zahara is totally right that he will always have the next thing lined up before ending the previous. Never wanting to hurt people but never actually accepting that it's his co dependant disfunction that gets him into relationships he doesn't really want and inevitably hurting people. But people like this are never are single long enough to realise this. Always distracting themselves from their wake with the next relationship.

 

It's pathetic.

 

Actually I lived on my own for quite awhile after my last relationship. I got myself a guy roommate, helped him pursue his dream of being a model because in was a manager for a model management company. I've had a lot of success on my own without a woman in my life. As for breaking up oh well. Its gonna be done and it will be done soon. I'm done talking about it. if I could delete this post I would. Call me cold hearted all you want. I don't care. I also don't need anymore advice since I've had enough already so continue to comment and reply all you want. I will respond but I can't promise you will hear what you want to hear.

[josephrm]

I've been reading the comments and really have nothing to add to the negative remarks about selfishness.

 

However, here are some questions that I have for you:

• What is it that you had with your ex that made it so special? Are you being realistic about what it was or is it just a fantasy?

• And, do you think that your ex is a convenient excuse to get out of the relationship because you are not being fulfilled in certain areas of the relationship with your current gf?

 

My comments about breaking up are to please proceed gently. I was dumped very suddenly after an intense 8 month relationship (living together) and he moved out, lied about seeing someone else without giving me the courtesy of closure or respect. He stopped answering my calls when all I wanted was answers. Then suddenly he conveniently forgot who I was. Anyway, that's another story...

 

Your gf may beg, cry, moan, whine and do everything in her power to get you back, but please know that you are in a position that could devastate and shatter her foundation. Be there for her. Be a gentleman. Be kind to her. Know that grief and detachment is not an easy process. Do it for yourself and do it for her.

 

Good luck!

 

What me and my ex have is very realistic. I wish I could explain but it's only something we know and is very exclusive. I couldn't explain even if I tried. Its not a fantasy. Its what everyone ever wishes to feel when with someone plus more. And my ex,isn't the reason I'm leaving my girlfriend. Like I said before I'm leaving my girlfriend because in know I'm not in love with her as much as I could be.

[Zahara]

What me and my ex have is very realistic. I wish I could explain but it's only something we know and is very exclusive. I couldn't explain even if I tried. Its not a fantasy. Its what everyone ever wishes to feel when with someone plus more. And my ex,isn't the reason I'm leaving my girlfriend. Like I said before I'm leaving my girlfriend because in know I'm not in love with her as much as I could be.

 

Things were so realistic that your ex cheated on you. Hardly exclusive -- rule rather than the exception. And I'd make a guess that it didn't work out with the other guy and she's now regretful over cheating on you.

 

Your current gf is blissfully ignorant in the middle of your ex's dysfunction and your co-dependency. Ex damaged you, you emotionally cheat women that cross your path because of the ex, now ex is back and you're probably going back to a risky and possibly damaging situation again. Toxic all around.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Zahara

[josephrm]

Things were so realistic that your ex cheated on you. Hardly exclusive -- rule rather than the exception. And I'd make a guess that it didn't work out with the other guy and she's now regretful over cheating on you.

 

Your current gf is blissfully ignorant in the middle of your ex's dysfunction and your co-dependency. Ex damaged you, you emotionally cheat women that cross your path because of the ex, now ex is back and you're probably going back to a risky and possibly damaging situation again. Toxic all around.

 

You don't understand. No offense. This isn't the typical situation. I'd rather not explain either. I can forgive what happened and move on. Its been 3 years and I'm very empathetic when it comes to Her. We have a connection that can't be explained. That's why I won't even try.

[josephrm]

Update: I made up my mind. I will not be breaking up in person like everyone is telling me to do. I will be breaking up through a handwritten letter. Not because I can't do it in person. Hopefully people understand where I'm coming from.

Reasons why I chose a letter:

1. I'm not good with speaking. It will come out sounding more like an a hole if I spoke in person.

2. I can pour out everything I'm feeling without the awkward moment in person when she starts crying in front of her child.

3. A letter can be just as personal or more personal then in person.

4. She won't have to see me walk away and have that terrible feeling that it's the last time she will see me.

5. I can comfort her with words instead of hugs goodbye.

6. She will be forced to accept this other then holding on to hope of changing my mind in person before I leave.

7. Its something she can look back on to understand why everything happened and not try to make sense of it and re think what was said in person.

8. Personally I would rather have a letter then a face to face break up if I was on the receiving end.

9. I can also talk about NC without sounding like a douchebag. Explaining to her how it is a good thing and not me just wanting to keep her out of my life.

10. Its more caring and personal then a text, email, or phone call.

[anika99]

OP not sure why you are getting such a beat down here. I for one don't think you are the devil incarnate.

 

 

Dating is for finding the right person to settle down with and make a commitment. You dated this person for almost a year (if I recall correctly) and have decided that your emotional investment isn't what it should be at this point and have decided to end the relationship. That's sounds right to me.

 

 

I get that some people here are mad that you started dating this girl while you still have feelings for someone else and yeah I agree that that's not usually the best idea but it doesn't make you an evil person. By reading the general relationship and dating boards it seems to me that it's rather common for people to date before being fully over and recovered from their last relationship. I myself once started a new relationship while on the rebound from my last relationship and as it turned out I fell madly and crazily in love with the new guy and we spent almost 10 years together so sometimes the rebound relationship really does have a happy ending.

 

 

It does make me uncomfortable that you got close to her son when your heart wasn't fully present in the relationship. That was wrong but that's not all on you either. His mother has a responsibility to protect her child and to not eagerly involve him in her new relationships and yes if you have been seeing her less then a year then this is still a new relationship.

 

 

I also understand why you want to take her to this event she has been looking forward to attending. I think that is the right thing to do also. I once had a guy take me to bed one more time before dumping me which totally wasn't the right thing to do. We had been seeing each other a year and he always told me he loved me and had told me that night as well. Then while I was basking in the after glow of lovemaking, sleepy and feeling in love with him he suddenly starts saying that our relationship has run it's course and we should move on. NOW that's a real prick!! He could have told me that when I arrived at his place a couple of hours earlier but no, he decided he may as well get one more romp in the hay for the road. Months later he changed his mind and wanted me back and I still hated him for what he did that last night we were together. He chased me for months and I remained disgusted and didnt' want anything to do with him. Now had he spent our last night together taking me out for a nice evening and honoring the commitment he had made to attend an event with me, I think I would have been a lot more forgiving.

 

 

So I don't think you are so horrible. You did use some poor judgement in getting so involved with someone while still in love with someone else and in getting involved with the child, but hopefully you have learned a lesson from it and won't be repeating that behaviour in the future. The gf will be hurt but considering how you feel, letting her go is the kindest thing you can do. She will likely cry and tug at your heartstrings but keep in mind that you are setting her free to find the man that will fall madly in love with her.

[CC12]

Update: I made up my mind. I will not be breaking up in person like everyone is telling me to do. I will be breaking up through a handwritten letter.

 

You really had me going there for a bit. You're a funny guy.

[josephrm]

OP not sure why you are getting such a beat down here. I for one don't think you are the devil incarnate.

 

 

Dating is for finding the right person to settle down with and make a commitment. You dated this person for almost a year (if I recall correctly) and have decided that your emotional investment isn't what it should be at this point and have decided to end the relationship. That's sounds right to me.

 

 

I get that some people here are mad that you started dating this girl while you still have feelings for someone else and yeah I agree that that's not usually the best idea but it doesn't make you an evil person. By reading the general relationship and dating boards it seems to me that it's rather common for people to date before being fully over and recovered from their last relationship. I myself once started a new relationship while on the rebound from my last relationship and as it turned out I fell madly and crazily in love with the new guy and we spent almost 10 years together so sometimes the rebound relationship really does have a happy ending.

 

 

It does make me uncomfortable that you got close to her son when your heart wasn't fully present in the relationship. That was wrong but that's not all on you either. His mother has a responsibility to protect her child and to not eagerly involve him in her new relationships and yes if you have been seeing her less then a year then this is still a new relationship.

 

 

I also understand why you want to take her to this event she has been looking forward to attending. I think that is the right thing to do also. I once had a guy take me to bed one more time before dumping me which totally wasn't the right thing to do. We had been seeing each other a year and he always told me he loved me and had told me that night as well. Then while I was basking in the after glow of lovemaking, sleepy and feeling in love with him he suddenly starts saying that our relationship has run it's course and we should move on. NOW that's a real prick!! He could have told me that when I arrived at his place a couple of hours earlier but no, he decided he may as well get one more romp in the hay for the road. Months later he changed his mind and wanted me back and I still hated him for what he did that last night we were together. He chased me for months and I remained disgusted and didnt' want anything to do with him. Now had he spent our last night together taking me out for a nice evening and honoring the commitment he had made to attend an event with me, I think I would have been a lot more forgiving.

 

 

So I don't think you are so horrible. You did use some poor judgement in getting so involved with someone while still in love with someone else and in getting involved with the child, but hopefully you have learned a lesson from it and won't be repeating that behaviour in the future. The gf will be hurt but considering how you feel, letting her go is the kindest thing you can do. She will likely cry and tug at your heartstrings but keep in mind that you are setting her free to find the man that will fall madly in love with her.

 

Thank you so much this made me feel a lot better. I understand what I have done was wrong and it hurts me. Everyone being hard on me is just telling me what I already know and it hurts me more. I been having heart palpitations it's been bothering me so much. I thank you for, lightening up the situation to not make me out as such a terrible person. I am aware I did wrong but not intentionally and I'm paying the price trust me.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Update: I made up my mind. I will not be breaking up in person like everyone is telling me to do. I will be breaking up through a handwritten letter.

 

Oh my god, Robert Ford was less of a coward! I feel bad for your girlfriend, I really do. When your ex cheats or leaves you again please just know that it will be no less than exactly what you deserve.

[josephrm]

Oh my god, Robert Ford was less of a coward! I feel bad for your girlfriend, I really do. When your ex cheats or leaves you again please just know that it will be no less than exactly what you deserve.

 

I'm not a coward I gave valid reasoning to why I chose to do it that way. At this point your just being inconsiderate and annoying.

[anika99]

I'm glad that you feel better but I just read your post saying that you are going to break up with her in a letter and I must say that doing it that way is in very poor taste. And it is cowardly.

You want to dump her without having to face her or deal with her pain. I suppose you are hoping that once she reads the part about no contact she wii just disappear and never trouble you or cause you any emotional discomfort at all. You have been dating for almost a year and you told her that you love her. She deserves the respect of a face to face breakup up. She deserves the chance to cry and to show her pain to you if she chooses.

A true man does not hand a woman a break up letter, he faces her and looks her in the eye. Dumping her by letter is worse than the guy who dumped me 5 minutes after having sex with me because at least he did it in person. Be a man and face her.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'm not a coward I gave valid reasoning to why I chose to do it that way. At this point your just being inconsiderate and annoying.

 

 

Cowards always have 'valid reasoning' for their cowardice. Doesn't mean their bellies aren't still as yellow as the sun.

 

To be called inconsiderate by someone who doesn't even have the cojones to break up with a woman in person or even in a timely fashion is as laughable as it is ironic. And sorry, being called 'annoying' hasn't fazed me since middle school kiddo.

 

Don't lash out because the truth of your startling lack of character is finally coming to light.

[Polak]

This thread has overall been pretty ridiculous. Deciding to write a letter made me lose all respect for the OP. That's just not how you break up, and as much as I tend to stay neutral in situations like this, I will have to agree that it is indeed very cowardly to do so.

 

And just to add, the reasonings for the letter are pretty flawed. Two examples come to mind:

#2, you're trying to avoid an awkward situation. How the hell do you avoid awkwardness in this situation? Will it not be awkward giving her a letter and disappearing?

#5, you think words will comfort her? Sorry, but there will be absolutely no comfort, just pure distress, regardless of how you present your final words.

 

That's all I have to say. I hope things go well in your future.

[aussietigerwolf]

wow... so you're going to take her to this show, act all boyfriendish and then give her a letter and never see or talk to her again?

 

don't you live with this woman? or have I confused you with someone else?

 

I had an ex dump me via a letter he got his mum to write for him... we lived together and actually had sex the night before. so he gives me the letter and then kicks me out of the house with no where to go, told me he didn't care where I went. a few months later he comes crawling back via facebook, I blocked him.