Relationship where the girl loves but does not respect the guy.

[willylilly]

Hello LoveShack,

 

I've got a question. Need quick advice. Context - very sweet girlfriend. We are very compatible, same industry, same life outlook, same goals in life. We both look good together. Known her for about half a year. We agree this is serious and we want to spend rest of our lives together.

 

The problem is that she admitted it and I agreed that I'm the guy she loves but does not respect. Given the nature of her job and character, she needs strong alpha guy to lead the household. She works in a male dominated environment with all these alpha guys walking around and consciencely or sub-consciencely, she seeks such a guy to commit her life to.

 

In her words, she wants someone steady who she knows will make the right decisions. Someone who, in a way, she fears and won't dare question his actions.

 

For me, I'm more of the smooth, laid back BUT driven and ambitious guy. I am NOT insecure, dejected and unsuccessful. Just so you get an accurate picture - Ivy league grad, hedge fund investor, stroll into into a party with my BMW but slide unnoticed into the club and sip Martini at the bar. What I'm saying is that I can love, cherish and care for a girl very well. But I'm not the alpha person to scold her, take control, and dominate the decision making process.

 

And the latest update is that she loves me a lot and she is willing to change.

 

Is this relationship sustainable? I really want this to work and how I see it unfold is that we both compromise in this. I try to become more alpha by forcing myself to make decisions. she tries to lessen her need for that alpha guy to look up to.

 

If not, what can I do to make this relationship work?

 

Thanks,

Will (fake name)

[Assasda]

Hahahaha, I like the "About me" dating profile section in your post.

 

 

Anyway. To be alpha, is not to Scold, its not to control, and its not to dominate the decision making process.

You are mistaking Alpha for Macho.

 

Think of an Alpha male archetype like James Bond. Do you think James Bond would ever Scold or try to control a woman. Absolutely not.

Especially if she doesn't deserve it.

(There are scenarios where everyone may deserve scolding)

 

I recomend reading "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine" by Robert Moore

-Work on it

[Astrolink]

Folks usually are who they are. They can adapt a little at times, but major change probably doesn't happen often. I would say the 2 of you are incompatible.

[smackie9]

I think she needs to understand that if you both are in this for the long haul, decisions should be made jointly. Especially with marriage, it's a partnership. You both can try your little experiment, compromise is a great option. But if it falls flat and you truly want this to work, I would suggest couples counseling to help you both work out the details of both your expectations.

 

I would be leery about you pulling your weight around because she may criticize your final decisions you know what I mean? You may find her correcting you anyways. If that's the case, you stop this whole thing and discuss a better alternative. Women flip flop in these situations, dont do this, no do that, oh you are doing it wrong, I want you to to be more..........uh! good luck with that.

[SensitiveTJ]

I would hit the eject button on this one. If she can't respect you unless you are a domineering, controlling bully, who wants to be a part of that? I dated a girl like this years ago. It won't change.

[EngnimaticResponse]

Hello LoveShack,

 

I've got a question. Need quick advice. Context - very sweet girlfriend. We are very compatible, same industry, same life outlook, same goals in life. We both look good together. Known her for about half a year. We agree this is serious and we want to spend rest of our lives together.

 

The problem is that she admitted it and I agreed that I'm the guy she loves but does not respect. Given the nature of her job and character, she needs strong alpha guy to lead the household. She works in a male dominated environment with all these alpha guys walking around and consciencely or sub-consciencely, she seeks such a guy to commit her life to.

 

In her words, she wants someone steady who she knows will make the right decisions. Someone who, in a way, she fears and won't dare question his actions.

 

For me, I'm more of the smooth, laid back BUT driven and ambitious guy. I am NOT insecure, dejected and unsuccessful. Just so you get an accurate picture - Ivy league grad, hedge fund investor, stroll into into a party with my BMW but slide unnoticed into the club and sip Martini at the bar. What I'm saying is that I can love, cherish and care for a girl very well. But I'm not the alpha person to scold her, take control, and dominate the decision making process.

 

And the latest update is that she loves me a lot and she is willing to change.

 

Is this relationship sustainable? I really want this to work and how I see it unfold is that we both compromise in this. I try to become more alpha by forcing myself to make decisions. she tries to lessen her need for that alpha guy to look up to.

 

If not, what can I do to make this relationship work?

 

Thanks,

Will (fake name)

 

WHY doesn't she respect you? And given that she is around it all day, I would think she would would like coming home to a guy who is Less overbearing and treats her more as an equal. Just don't be a "yes dear."

[Salvatore85]

Yeah, this is doomed. If she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you either.

[iiiii]

There's a big difference between her feeling respect for you, and needing to be bullied and dominated by you.

 

If she doesn't respect you, then I'd say that's a problem - most women (likely most men too) do not want to be with someone they can't respect. You will need to find out why she doesn't respect you, and perhaps you can remedy that. She could have unreasonable expectations, but perhaps it's something you do need to change.

 

On the other hand, if it's just that she wants to feel bossed around and thinks you act too laid back or too weak, then perhaps your personalities are fundamentally incompatible with each other, and you could find another woman who is a better fit.

[willylilly]

Thanks everyone for your advice. It has led to productive discussion. Seems to be 40% stay 60% split. Argh.

 

smackie9 and SensitiveTJ - yup, I certainly get the flip flop illustration. In fact, what you say can't be further from the truth. She has been questioning about 80% of my decisions and when I try to be firm, as how she wants me to be, she still questions them. And delegating them to her doesn't help either as then I won't be seen as taking control. I hope to put a positive spin to this by saying that most women are like that and so dealing with this is a hygiene of the relationship.

 

Assasda - thanks so much for bringing up the James Bond inspiration as that's the mould I'm striving for. This has happened. Just like Bond (maybe), I have actionable life-achieving plans, listen when the girl speaks, respond with love in matters that aren't pressing. Her responses are along the lines of "you never scold me", "I want to see you angry", "you are too nice to me."

 

I agree that I have not mastered the fine line between alpha and macho. Heck, I even admit that I'm not alpha. (which I don't see the need for because I'm happy and I know how to make money through intellectual means). The question is whether this alpha, this Bondness, can be nurtured for the survivability of this relationship.

 

EngnimaticResponse - "WHY doesn't she respect you?". Simply put, I'm just too nice and it's my nature to not be mean. Yes, the ideal guy is nice and firm. You can say that I am nice but follow the crowd. If people met me, I'll do favors for them because I just want others to be happy. Yes, this can be seen as a weakness of a man. I admit that. That's why I'm learning to not be a "Yes dear" all the time. (Unfortunately, the last time this happened, it caused quite a stir between me and her).

 

Revotes?

[willylilly]

Yeah, this is doomed. If she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you either.

 

This is what I'm finding extremely hard to graspe. In the interest of being succint, Let me itemize why.

 

Why I think she loves me.

1. She texts me "I love you" about twice a day. I know she means it.

2. I know I am by far the best guy she has had. And respect aside, I have the financial, lifestyle and physical (Hehe!) means to support her for life.

3. (Key) I know it's not a matter of her using me because she has bought gifts that cost as much as my gifts for her. She wanted to shell out $2k for my Zegna sportcoat.

4. I can tell that our wanting for each other is not forced. I like to go to her home and read Financial Times. She likes me next to her when I do that.

 

Why I think she doesn't respect me.

1. She openly says it. She can't depend on me to make decisions. Clarify: everyday decision and NOT life decisions ie what house to buy.

2. She likes to take the floor when we meet friends. (Which I'm actually okay as I hope to attribute this to women just wanting attention.)

3. (Key) Hmmm ... how should I put this. She doesn't seem to have interest in what I'm passionate for but she's not. Ie, when my start up got funding, she doesn't respect me enough to recognize and understand why that means a lot to me. Am I overthinking?

 

Could it be that she is too emotionally jeopardized for her to think clearly that she loves the emotions I give her but she doesn't love me as a person. If so, would it be wise for me, being the more rationale one here, to bring clarity to her true feelings for me?

Edited August 11, 2014 by willylilly

[Assasda]

WillyLilly - If youre really worried about this, I strongly suggest you pick up the book I mentioned.

 

If she is absolutely rude to you, you definately shouldnt take that either.

Never be a doormat, for anyone, for that matter

[Eivuwan]

Respect over love. Listen, this has nothing to do with you. There is NOTHING wrong with the way you are. We don't all have to be macho or alpha just because that's a cultural value. Don't you want someone who respects you and loves you for the way you are? Is it really worth it to have to change your core personality for someone? Also, what the hell is wrong with a woman who dates a man she cannot respect. She has issues for dating you and then expecting you to change to suit her and you have issues with just taking it. Have some self-respect man. I swear, if my partner said that he doesn't respect me because I'm not dominant enough, I'll tell him to get the hell out.

[willylilly]

WillyLilly - If youre really worried about this, I strongly suggest you pick up the book I mentioned.

 

If she is absolutely rude to you, you definately shouldnt take that either.

Never be a doormat, for anyone, for that matter

 

I saw reviews on the book. Seems good! I'll probably read it. Can I say this:

 

Either ...

 

I walk out and find a more submissive girl who would have her own mind but would naturally yield to me to almost all I say. Such girls exist.

 

or ...

 

Put some effort on my part to read the book and recognize the man I need to become for this relationship to work. I just hope this doesn't change the core of me as we both agreed that its ideal that we be our natural selves.

 

I confidently know that there is a girl out there who would respond an "okay" when I suggest to eat Japanese and not "why don't we go to xxx" for about 4/5 the time.

[Eivuwan]

I saw reviews on the book. Seems good! I'll probably read it. Can I say this:

 

Either ...

 

I walk out and find a more submissive girl who would have her own mind but would naturally yield to me to almost all I say. Such girls exist.

 

or ...

 

Put some effort on my part to read the book and recognize the man I need to become for this relationship to work. I just hope this doesn't change the core of me as we both agreed that its ideal that we be our natural selves.

 

I confidently know that there is a girl out there who would respond an "okay" when I suggest to eat Japanese and not "why don't we go to xxx" for about 4/5 the time.

 

Or you can have a mutually respective relationship in which no partner dominates another partner. Aren't those the best types of relationships?!

[willylilly]

Also, what the hell is wrong with a woman who dates a man she cannot respect. She has issues for dating you and then expecting you to change to suit her and you have issues with just taking it.

 

Thanks for your input. I'm relatively new to this relationship stuff. That's why I'm here writing this.

 

Basically, I have been taking it. Because me as a person, I see my worth measured more by my accomplishments than by the level of respect my girlfriend gives me. I guess that's explain why I don't see the need of being strict with her as I know my boss is very happy with my investment decisions. And I'm saying this to again give a better explain that I'm not the insecure guy because I actually have stuff going on in my life.

 

I value your point. I should not take it. And there will be a girl out there who will love and respect the person I already am. It's a question or how much I need to force myself, if ever, to be the better guy.

[willylilly]

Or you can have a mutually respective relationship in which no partner dominates another partner. Aren't those the best types of relationships?!

 

I'll suggest that to her tonight. Thanks!

[Eivuwan]

Thanks for your input. I'm relatively new to this relationship stuff. That's why I'm here writing this.

 

Basically, I have been taking it. Because me as a person, I see my worth measured more by my accomplishments than by the level of respect my girlfriend gives me. I guess that's explain why I don't see the need of being strict with her as I know my boss is very happy with my investment decisions. And I'm saying this to again give a better explain that I'm not the insecure guy because I actually have stuff going on in my life.

 

I value your point. I should not take it. And there will be a girl out there who will love and respect the person I already am. It's a question or how much I need to force myself, if ever, to be the better guy.

 

Well, I'm glad you are not insecure, but I don't get how the low level of respect your gf shows you don't bother you. I think I would be pretty irritated if someone is dismissing 80% of my decisions and treating me like I'm a kid. Respect is not about being strict or not strict with someone. Does your gf want a daddy or a bf? I just want you to know OP that her expectations are bizarre and that there is nothing wrong with you. You will not be a better man for changing to her weird ideas of respect and masculinity.

[Eivuwan]

Ironically, if you change yourself for her, you will still be submissive. The non-submissive thing to do would be to tell her to accept you as who you are.

[willylilly]

You will not be a better man for changing to her weird ideas of respect and masculinity.

 

How then should the phrasing go when I speak to her tonight?

 

"Dear. If you can't find something about me to forge that respect for me you think is missing, then I feel for the happiness of us both, we should part. I can only do so much to be more firm with you. But if you still can't trust what I do or say, I feel I'm not the person for you."

 

It is bizarre. She herself said she respects me for my intelligence and accomplishments but she can't respect me to make the right decision. Which I guess makes sense if I'm seen as the quiet kid who is successful but doesn't boss people around.

[todreaminblue]

you dont need at all to be controlling to be an alpha male just dependable enough for your partner to know you step up when you need to...any good relationship is give and take equality, not domination leave that stuff for bed time.........

 

your relationship has definitely a chance of working if you both are honest with each other and work from there..love is always a good start...deb

[Eivuwan]

How then should the phrasing go when I speak to her tonight?

 

"Dear. If you can't find something about me to forge that respect for me you think is missing, then I feel for the happiness of us both, we should part. I can only do so much to be more firm with you. But if you still can't trust what I do or say, I feel I'm not the person for you."

 

It is bizarre. She herself said she respects me for my intelligence and accomplishments but she can't respect me to make the right decision. Which I guess makes sense if I'm see as the quiet kid who is successful but doesn't boss people around.

 

I feel that that's too sudden. I feel a bit jarred because you went from talking about changing for her to suddenly mentioning breaking up. I think I would go with something like this: "Dear, all the things that you cannot respect is who I am as a person. I see nothing wrong with who I am and I am happy with myself. Do you understand that and can you respect me the way I am?"

 

Then see what her response is. If she's like blah blah I want a bully alpha male, then you can say what you just wrote.

[sm2281]

Love=respect

She does not live you if she cannot respect you.

[SycamoreCircle]

I won't even bother reading what other people have written.

 

This is not the woman for you. A woman who loves her man would not say this to him. It sounds like a test and the more you try to comply, the weaker you will look.

 

Imagine if a guy said to his girl, "I need you to have bigger tits." How abusive does that sound?! Well, this is no different. A person who loves you accepts you for who you are.

 

My advice: let it drop. Be yourself. If it comes up again, say "look, lady---there's the door. You have a problem with how I run my business, feel free to show yourself out."

 

That is ALPHA as all ***K. Watch her get her butt in gear.

[willylilly]

If you look for a quick fix... work on yourself, i don't think changing other person is a good option... you got to create a new habit, you have to be your 2.0 version. it takes 90 days for you to do it but i tell you the hard part of that is only first 10 days... after that you just repeat what you learned.

 

If this is a sale, good try but I won't bite. . But since we're on this topic, I'll say I had my share of moments understanding the alpha vs beta paradigm. I'm way past it and have already recognized that it's not me to be the alpha, even if it takes 90 days or 10.

 

As for the interest - yup, got tons of them. Please don't associate me with the guy trapped in his room fantasizing his luck with girls by only doing things FOR girls.

 

I got a start-up inching to a million valuation. I enjoy reading finance research to keep my fund in the top 10 performers locally. I shoulder and bench press. And I do open jam sessions once in a while. I don't think I need a new habit.

 

I just let others decide where to eat and what to do. I just chill.

[anna121]

I saw reviews on the book. Seems good! I'll probably read it. Can I say this:

 

Either ...

 

I walk out and find a more submissive girl who would have her own mind but would naturally yield to me to almost all I say. Such girls exist.

 

 

Nothing you've said indicates that you really want this, though. It sounds like you want someone decent, successful, and a bit more laid-back. Frankly, someone like that sounds like a keeper to me.

 

The alternative to your current GF is not a submissive.