Relationship where the girl loves but does not respect the guy.

[Eivuwan]

Aiya, from your last 3 posts, I am even more sure that love has not developed in this relationship. It sounds like some sort of matchmaking success from the mouths of two Asian families. "My daughter, she got married to a doctor. He's smart, has money and a house! blah blah." When you have really experienced love, I doubt you will describe her as an asset. Anyway, I do not understand what not being firm in decision making means? If you guys are going out to eat and spend a long time deciding where because you're flipping back and forth, then that could be pretty annoying. But if it's just you taking a longer time to make important life decisions, then that's another story.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's not going to work man, it's going to be a powerful struggle and balance all the way through and in the end she isn't going to be completely happy with you.

 

Once she said she doesn't really respect you that should have meant the exit sign for you, in fact for you not walking away when she told you that, she lost a little more respect for you after, maybe even more than just a little...the kind of guy she's looking for wouldn't tolerate that.

 

I know these kind of women, I've dated them and had them as friends...they really just pick and choose between guys like you, they've already outsmarted you and have you wrapped around their finger, it's really just up to them what to do with you. These kind of women will test you and push you to see what kind of man you are, because ultimately they want someone stronger than them and more in control...otherwise they just feel too much in control and it's a turn-off for them, they know you're at their mercy and that's not all that exciting romantically...they want to be fussy and for you to set them straight in a way, you basically have to assert your dominance in the relationship, they need that in order to feel safe and to be able to look up at you as the man, especially if she's used to a father or a family dynamic where the man is old school manly, otherwise they will look down at you in disappointment, they won't be completely happy or feel at home with you, they won't look up to you with that starry look in their eyes...instead they'll be telling themselves they should be happy for having a "great guy" like you, trying to convince themselves you're the right choice because they do "love" you after all...I see this all the time with women, stuck with guys they don't really respect or admire in any way, but hey...better than being alone and single right?

 

Some people like very stable and calm relationships, the tranquility of the steady waters is something that is appealing to them. That dynamic doesn't work for everyone, at least not in the way you perceive what that is. I think most people want a challenge they can bear, it keeps them interested and engaged, makes them feel passionate about you because they see a greater potential...and you don't really challenge this woman enough on a romantic and relationship level, all I see you mainly referencing is career related crap which doesn't influence the emotions...but overall in this relationship there isn't a level of excitement just predictability for her, or even a level of anticipation. If you're just sitting there doing whatever you can like you are now, trying to figure it all out, and overly concerned about her feelings and needs...you've already lost because you're not even pissed off or demanding anything for yourself, so she can manipulate you and even feel pity for you for you letting her, which of course would make her feel bad about herself for doing so, but she just wishes you were more clever.

 

The funny thing is, more often than not these women do settle for guys like you because they're trying to just settle in somewhere, and you have to ask yourself if you want to be that kind of guy. But they're not ever going to be themselves like they would with a different kind of a man, you'll get the watered down version, and eventually she'll become irritated and discontent because she'll never be truly satisfied with the kind of guy you are emotionally, whether they realize it or not they need someone who pushes back a little or takes control of the situation, that she has the respect for in order to feel like a woman...what you're essentially asking for is that you be the woman and she is the man, a lot of women aren't going to like that.

 

You need a different kind of woman, she'll be happier and so will you, this woman has expectations sky high and you're not meeting them, she's not going to be an overachiever in the other aspects of her life and be satisfied with second best, you're just "almost perfect" but you might as well be completely incompatible, in fact that would have just made things all the easier.

[RedRobin]

I’ve found that many men who are focused on succeeding in the outside world describe themselves as “laid-back” “go with the flow” “easy going” in their relationships but they’re really just snoozing at an emotional and interpersonal level.

 

Some just don’t care one way or another about primary relationships because their passion and energy is directed toward their personal goals. Some lack the skills for interpersonal relationship because they’ve been raised to assess their worth by these external measures and never even valued or considered relationship skills.

 

 

Yep. There is nothing so worthy of disrespect or boredom, as a guy who seemingly manages his external affairs quite well, but can't seem to manage splitting the 'effort' of executing a nice romance. *sigh*

[BlueIris]

 

....... I don't need her. If this girl walks out of my life tomorrow, I'm sure I'll go through at most three weeks of sorrow before I'm back on my feet blazing through life. Now, the answer.

 

Being brutally honest and phrasing my answer in lingo which adds to its texture, I see her as a component that fits well with my collection of assets. I know for sure that my life isn't entirely about her. My life is about this goal, this accomplishment, this project and this girl. It as though she fits perfectly to my jig saw, the completion of which provides me with a very nice life.

 

Ok. Well, then I think that she probably wants more in the relationship folder of her portfolio.

 

Let's face it- she can take care of herself and so she isn't going to place a great deal of value on that part of you that provides money and is driven in the business world. She has that covered. She likely wants a different dynamic and emotional landscape in her personal life, not quite so mechanical and mathematical.

 

I can only guess, but I am guessing from my own experience and history. I've been with two men with resumes and outlooks similar to yours, though I think we all have two to three decades on you. The only egalitarian two-career balanced-ambition couples I know who made it had things that seem to be lacking in yours- (1) throw down and (2) a very sweet, heartfelt appreciation of the essence of their partners, going both ways.

 

I do not think it is control and cruelty she's seeking! It could very well be that she is seeking only the investment in her and in the relationship that you make in other parts of your life. JMO.

 

So if you don't care much anyway, don't let it upset you and just move on.

[Eivuwan]

Ok. Well, then I think that she probably wants more in the relationship folder of her portfolio.

 

Let's face it- she can take care of herself and so she isn't going to place a great deal of value on that part of you that provides money and is driven in the business world. She has that covered. She likely wants a different dynamic and emotional landscape in her personal life, not quite so mechanical and mathematical.

 

I can only guess, but I am guessing from my own experience and history. I've been with two men with resumes and outlooks similar to yours, though I think we all have two to three decades on you. The only egalitarian two-career balanced-ambition couples I know who made it had things that seem to be lacking in yours- (1) throw down and (2) a very sweet, heartfelt appreciation of the essence of their partners, going both ways.

 

I do not think it is control and cruelty she's seeking! It could very well be that she is seeking only the investment in her and in the relationship that you make in other parts of your life. JMO.

 

So if you don't care much anyway, don't let it upset you and just move on.

 

It's more likely that it's a mixture of issues on both sides. He doesn't know what it's like to really love a woman. She has a strange need for a father figure.

[preraph]

Well said! And I think quite true too. As to how I measure up.

 

Btw, I would like to ask you. As a girl, how long do you give a capable guy for him to learn such things? Is there some sort of 6 months or out mentality?

 

Well, when I was a girl I didn't realize how important it was to vocalize what you want to a man. I expected them to be psychic, like me.

 

So she really loved it when you did the planning, so she does want someone she can entrust some of her daily crapola to. So impress her with planning dates, trips, whatever you guys have on your agenda. Don't just do it all without consulting her, but say, Hey, I'm thinking about planning a drive up to___. Does that sounds good to you?

 

You don't have to actually know what attorneys know, but when you know she's had a hard week and she says, "My effing tires are wearing out too soon but they aren't acting like they're going to help out under the warranty," or any day to day aggravation like that, dry cleaners, internet bill higher than was negotiated, whatever, tell her you'll go down there or make a call and try to help her get that off her plate. I remember when I was at the peak of my career, I was so busy and all those small things just aggravated me no end. And I know things have changed some, but it's still true that sometimes service people and retail people will blow off women and not take care of them like they will a man. Tell her you'll drive her to the car repair place and back when she has car trouble -- or take care of it yourself if you're able.

 

You know your strong points. Just be a helpful man to her and see it it helps any. Take care of her in ways that count.

[willylilly]

Thanks everyone. The last few replies have been great! I understand better this relationship. I'm thinking of the next course of action. I'll come back here in a few hours with it and help me decide which of a number of options you think I should do.

 

Also, BlueIris, what does it mean "thrown down"? Thanks!

 

I know who made it had things that seem to be lacking in yours- (1) throw down and (2) a very sweet, heartfelt appreciation of the essence of their partners, going both ways.

[willylilly]

It does really seem that we are the success of a dating service rather than us loving each other. That we are almost perfect, and we rather settle for almost perfect than perfect.

 

Now, part of me still wants us to work out. Let's just say I'm relationship insensitive so I rather have this than not to have this. I rather be happier than happy. So the courses of actions I've thought out follows the theme of adding fire to forge something good, of taking a step back to take two steps forward, of doing whatever to ensure her and my happiness, not necessarily now but in the future.

 

Option 1, 2 and 3.

 

1. Recognize we are fundamentally different people and walk out the door. No questions asked.

 

2. Continue with this relationship and incognito, using what I've learnt in this forum, attempt actions that would gain her respect for me - not always "yes dear", be more in control, do this my way whether she likes it or not.

 

3. Now, my preferred bespoke solution. I need to make her understand that there's a risk to her not respecting me. Thus, I introduce a two week break period to make her realize the consequence of her words and her actions. Personally, I know I can handle the emotional detachment better than her.

 

As to why I like this? I feel that doing it already exerts my control in the relationship. Also, it'll make it clear to her whether I'm the guy for her. It's at it's most practically sense a seed which hopefully brews to something valuable - she can't f*** with me as there's a risk now. Moreover, this solution is actually me because the time in the two week break can go to other things in my portfolio.

 

I don't want to come across as posing an emotional threat. Rather, I'm setting the hopeful stones that would lead to a successful relationship - she ends up respecting me.

 

How does 3 sound? Girls, does it make sense? Does it sound stupid? I hope that its phrasing is a partner with reason and not with impulse. If we're good for option 3, I'm executing it tonight.

Edited August 12, 2014 by willylilly

[OwMyEyeball]

So in order to gain her respect you plan on instilling fear through emotional manipulation.

[willylilly]

So in order to gain her respect you plan on instilling fear through emotional manipulation.

 

So 3. is emotional manipulation? Argh, I'm so bad at this. I was looking it through the lens of making her know that there's a risk in her words / actions. Its more me this way.

 

Ideally, I could go through a few days of schooling in being the man the girl respects. But as this thread has shown, that is less me. It'll come across as fake.

 

I'm simply too nice and to become that in control / respectful guy she needs would require change in my part. We don't want to go that route do we?

[iiiii]

Perhaps I am misinterpreting, but from what you say, you don't seem to really love this girl. You have just said that you would get over her 3 weeks after breaking up with her, and are mostly with her because she's a good fit for your lifestyle.

 

Most girls would be quite upset if they found out that their boyfriends felt that way about them. It doesn't exactly sound like you love her for her own unique qualities.

 

This girl might be sensing the fact that you really are not that invested in this relationship, and be responding to that, when she demands that you change.

[Woggle]

I would call it a day. Relationships like this are usually a constant power struggle and I know how utterly exhausting that is for men. We tend to want relationships to be a soft place to land after taking on the world and this will be just another fight.

[willylilly]

Most girls would be quite upset if they found out that their boyfriends felt that way about them. It doesn't exactly sound like you love her for her own unique qualities.

 

This girl might be sensing the fact that you really are not that invested in this relationship, and be responding to that, when she demands that you change.

 

Hmmm, iiiii. This is a part where she yet again confuses me. She made mentioned once that she'll truly know I'm confident to have her when she knows that she'll be just a part of my life and my life can equally take off without her. According to her, which after some thinking makes sense, the guy is showing he has the power to live with or without her. And it is this power that she admires.

 

Yes, I know I could be confusing it even further because truth be told, I myself was confused. Where the heck is the overlap where the guy has power to live without her, and the guy loves her and can't do without her.

 

I would call it a day. Relationships like this are usually a constant power struggle and I know how utterly exhausting that is for men. We tend to want relationships to be a soft place to land after taking on the world and this will be just another fight.

 

Haha, Woggle. What you said is ideally what I'm looking for. After a long day analyzing which market to invest in, I don't need the challenge of being or not being a match for her.

 

I can't bring myself to call it quits yet. But guys and girls, I'm really looking for what is the best resolution for this situation given that I still want a stake in it.

[OwMyEyeball]

You'll never get beyond superficial relationships until you begin to tap into your emotional side. The sense of self that exists behind the intellect. The non-thinking you.

 

Intellect cannot compete in that realm. It's entirely outclassed. It can only manage pale mimicry. But it's in our emotional side where authenticity is realized. It's where you understand who you are from a fundamental level.

[iiiii]

Yes, I know I could be confusing it even further because truth be told, I myself was confused. Where the heck is the overlap where the guy has power to live without her, and the guy loves her and can't do without her.

 

I see your confusion. Possibly she just means that she wants someone mature and independent and confident - but who also adores her? Those things are not incompatible. Most women want both. They want to be loved, and they want a guy who can look after himself.

 

Having said that, if you don't love her, I wouldn't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be the right guy for her. Let her go. Find someone you love, and who loves you the way you are.

[willylilly]

It's not going to work man, it's going to be a powerful struggle and balance all the way through and in the end she isn't going to be completely happy with you.

 

... they won't be completely happy or feel at home with you, they won't look up to you with that starry look in their eyes...instead they'll be telling themselves they should be happy for having a "great guy" like you ...

 

... and you don't really challenge this woman enough on a romantic and relationship level,

 

The funny thing is, more often than not these women do settle for guys like you because they're trying to just settle in somewhere, and you have to ask yourself if you want to be that kind of guy. ...

 

The more I read this, the more I think it makes sense. Argh, I might just pull the plug.

 

Just a quick clarification. I guess then it's of no use that the girl looks up to me in my academic achievements given that she doesn't look up to me for that emotional / romantic challenge. Because that's the case here.

 

It seems to me that what initially drawn her to me was my profile. I know before hand that I wasn't the alpha, in control guy I thought she wanted. And I thought my profile was enough to carry this relationship / marriage through. Wishful thinking.

 

Though, if I do initiate a break up, it may be from the angle of her happiness and what I feel is good for her.

[Eivuwan]

It does really seem that we are the success of a dating service rather than us loving each other. That we are almost perfect, and we rather settle for almost perfect than perfect.

 

Now, part of me still wants us to work out. Let's just say I'm relationship insensitive so I rather have this than not to have this. I rather be happier than happy. So the courses of actions I've thought out follows the theme of adding fire to forge something good, of taking a step back to take two steps forward, of doing whatever to ensure her and my happiness, not necessarily now but in the future.

 

Option 1, 2 and 3.

 

1. Recognize we are fundamentally different people and walk out the door. No questions asked.

 

Unless there's a misunderstanding, this will likely be your solution.

 

2. Continue with this relationship and incognito, using what I've learnt in this forum, attempt actions that would gain her respect for me - not always "yes dear", be more in control, do this my way whether she likes it or not.

 

Then you won't be yourself.

 

3. Now, my preferred bespoke solution. I need to make her understand that there's a risk to her not respecting me. Thus, I introduce a two week break period to make her realize the consequence of her words and her actions. Personally, I know I can handle the emotional detachment better than her.

 

This is called playing games and being passive aggressive. It's almost never a good idea. Good relationships require direct and honest communication. It's better to just say how you feel and think and leave it at that. The consequence of her not respecting you would not be a two week break, but would be the end of the relationship.

 

As to why I like this? I feel that doing it already exerts my control in the relationship. Also, it'll make it clear to her whether I'm the guy for her. It's at it's most practically sense a seed which hopefully brews to something valuable - she can't f*** with me as there's a risk now. Moreover, this solution is actually me because the time in the two week break can go to other things in my portfolio.

 

I don't want to come across as posing an emotional threat. Rather, I'm setting the hopeful stones that would lead to a successful relationship - she ends up respecting me.

 

How does 3 sound? Girls, does it make sense? Does it sound stupid? I hope that its phrasing is a partner with reason and not with impulse. If we're good for option 3, I'm executing it tonight.

 

Responses in bold. Also OP, you keep trying to use logical to solve everything. Relationships are more about emotions and intuition. I mean, there must be a softer side to you right? Like another poster said, until you learn to tap into your feelings, you will have trouble obtaining a deep and meaningful relationship. Stop talking about relationships using economic terms. It makes me want to facepalm.

[Eivuwan]

Also you are confusing being confident and self-fulfilled with emotional detachment from your gf. People can be happy by themselves, but also be vulnerable and attached to a significant other.

[c57dood]

Keep this chick on the side, but start looking for other ones. Once you find another girl you carry on with better, you'll notice that she starts seeing you as "alpha" because you really don't give a rats ass anymore about what she thinks or what she wants.

 

Your problem is that you care about her. It's always the same story: women want what they can't have. If she "has" you, she doesn't want you anymore. Have fun with her, see how differently she treats you when you make it obvious you couldn't care less about her.

[willylilly]

Keep this chick on the side, but start looking for other ones. Once you find another girl you carry on with better, you'll notice that she starts seeing you as "alpha" because you really don't give a rats ass anymore about what she thinks or what she wants.

 

Your problem is that you care about her. It's always the same story: women want what they can't have. If she "has" you, she doesn't want you anymore. Have fun with her, see how differently she treats you when you make it obvious you couldn't care less about her.

 

Comes across as very player to me. And as what said above, very passive aggressive.

 

I could revisit the clubs once in a while, I'll admit I'm damn good there, but my movements will be limited.

[Woggle]

Keep this chick on the side, but start looking for other ones. Once you find another girl you carry on with better, you'll notice that she starts seeing you as "alpha" because you really don't give a rats ass anymore about what she thinks or what she wants.

 

Your problem is that you care about her. It's always the same story: women want what they can't have. If she "has" you, she doesn't want you anymore. Have fun with her, see how differently she treats you when you make it obvious you couldn't care less about her.

 

This is dumb advice. Why not just dump her and find a woman that doesn't run when you actually care.

[BlueIris]

Actually, your question isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Before I answer, I want to add a preface which I'm sure about - I don't need her. If this girl walks out of my life tomorrow, I'm sure I'll go through at most three weeks of sorrow before I'm back on my feet blazing through life. Now, the answer.

 

Being brutally honest and phrasing my answer in lingo which adds to its texture, I see her as a component that fits well with my collection of assets.

 

I don't see or hear love here at all, or even tenderness or caring for her as a person. She is appropriate and you describe her elsewhere by giving her resume. Also, you say that you would like a soft place to come home to after a day at work. Everyone would. I think that that is what the woman you're seeing would like as well. So, break up, go get that and let her get that. There are many women who would be thrilled with your professional ambition and financial success, and would provide the emotionally supportive home without wanting you to do that for them.

 

Throw down, at least to me, is when two people want to be together and resonate at a raw physical, emotional and maybe even spiritual level- crudely, that you just want to throw each other down on the bed out of sheer desire and connection. I'm not seeing that in the way you view her or approach the relationship. So why continue? Let her go. You don't love and cherish her.

 

Also, I don't see an alpha type of issue here. It's irrelevant to the dynamic between you two, in my opinion.

Edited August 12, 2014 by BlueIris

[giblesp]

Hello LoveShack,

 

I've got a question. Need quick advice. Context - very sweet girlfriend. We are very compatible, same industry, same life outlook, same goals in life. We both look good together. Known her for about half a year. We agree this is serious and we want to spend rest of our lives together.

 

The problem is that she admitted it and I agreed that I'm the guy she loves but does not respect. Given the nature of her job and character, she needs strong alpha guy to lead the household. She works in a male dominated environment with all these alpha guys walking around and consciencely or sub-consciencely, she seeks such a guy to commit her life to.

 

In her words, she wants someone steady who she knows will make the right decisions. Someone who, in a way, she fears and won't dare question his actions.

 

For me, I'm more of the smooth, laid back BUT driven and ambitious guy. I am NOT insecure, dejected and unsuccessful. Just so you get an accurate picture - Ivy league grad, hedge fund investor, stroll into into a party with my BMW but slide unnoticed into the club and sip Martini at the bar. What I'm saying is that I can love, cherish and care for a girl very well. But I'm not the alpha person to scold her, take control, and dominate the decision making process.

 

And the latest update is that she loves me a lot and she is willing to change.

 

Is this relationship sustainable? I really want this to work and how I see it unfold is that we both compromise in this. I try to become more alpha by forcing myself to make decisions. she tries to lessen her need for that alpha guy to look up to.

 

If not, what can I do to make this relationship work?

 

Thanks,

Will (fake name)

 

Love and respect are part of the same parcel. This girl doesn't know what love is. Why are you still talking to someone who says to your face they don't respect you?

 

A BMW wont mean s*it to a real woman. She'll look right inside of YOU, not your car. Sounds like your hiding behind an image. Internal strength is what matters, if you're looking for love.

[veggirl]

I got the creeps reading this thread. Doesn't seem like either of you know what love is or are IN love. You both just want the tick off things on a checklist. That's not how love works. You sound very clinical about it all.

[willylilly]

I got the creeps reading this thread. Doesn't seem like either of you know what love is or are IN love. You both just want the tick off things on a checklist. That's not how love works. You sound very clinical about it all.

 

You actually sound quite right about this. Perhaps we are just in love and not know what truly means to love someone.

 

Okay everyone. I really don't want to drag this. I just met her for dinner. While eating, I very casually brought up queries on the compatibility of us two and whether there's sustenance in our relationship. As I didn't want to lay down the iron fist tonight, I just skirted the issue hoping to inject new conditions on where we stand. Quickly, I'll summarize my comments and her responses.

 

Remember, the tone is gentle and casual.

 

1. I said - Dear, while we have a lot in common (the achievements bla bla), I know I'll always lack that something which I feel deep down you desire. That man whom you can't step over. Because of this, I know we are about there but not there.

 

She said - No. I like you for who you are. You will get there. (I'm guessing here it's that alpha guy she's projecting) I know it.

 

2. I said - Dear, you and me and quite different. You're the sharply chiseled diamond and I'm the pearl with rough edges. We're almost perfect but I know you want things perfect. For me, I can settle for almost perfect.

 

She said - No. I'm okay with almost perfect because I know no one is perfect.

 

3. (She planned to meet me twice near my birthday) I said - Between the two days near my birthday, let's only celebrate one of them. Dear, I usually keep my birthday days small. So I'll probably chill on my birthday itself.

 

She said she still wants to be with me on both days. Can I still not conclude she loves me?

 

If you were expecting some fight in her. There wasn't. Really, today seemed to be all about her just complying with my comments, which honestly, was quite peaceful and submissive. Now, I want to attribute this to her thinking long and her about compromising in this relationship rather than her just going along with my prompts only to erupt when s*** comes.

 

Though I must say, she was putting her mind in tonight's conversation and not straying away which would be a sign of her disinterest in making us work.