Relationship where the girl loves but does not respect the guy.

[Mrs Carter]

I won't even bother reading what other people have written.

 

This is not the woman for you. A woman who loves her man would not say this to him. It sounds like a test and the more you try to comply, the weaker you will look.

 

Imagine if a guy said to his girl, "I need you to have bigger tits." How abusive does that sound?! Well, this is no different. A person who loves you accepts you for who you are.

 

My advice: let it drop. Be yourself. If it comes up again, say "look, lady---there's the door. You have a problem with how I run my business, feel free to show yourself out."

 

That is ALPHA as all ***K. Watch her get her butt in gear.

Fully agree.

 

personally to me if my SO said he didn't respect me it would be as if he had spat in my face. One of the most basic desires is to be respected by those we love and respect ourselves. Even if you have power games, it has to come back to mutual respect at the end. Without there is no love. What she feels is lust (after 6 months?) not love.

[willylilly]

What she feels is lust (after 6 months?) not love.

 

Mrs Carter, a lot of themes in there. I'm relatively new to this but I hope to gain clarity in my situation.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to conclude that my gf lusts for me and does not love me. From my understanding, at its core, lust is feeding your own emotions whereas love is doing / being for the other person.

 

While I definitely know that she feels good and special when I'm with her, there are moments where she was selflessly there for me. Correct me if the following aren't instances where she loves me - 1. she organized a fairly well thought out birthday party for me, 2. she multiple times gave me surprises and drop by my office with food and 3. she has been reading articles of how to be the best gf to me.

 

Now, what I'm getting is that she loves me but does not respect me. I know the consensus here is that they are equivalent. But for example, I can love and care for a person even if I think he is of no value to me.

 

That certainly isn't the case here. I hope to think I at least make her feel wanted and good. I see it as a matter of making everyday decisions. She doesn't respect me enough to let me helm our daily routines as, maybe, deep inside her she knows she'll be the better one at it.

 

If you really want to get down to it - she knows where has better / cheaper food, she knows how to maximize time in a day, she knows what to say to get people to side her.

 

Frankly, I can let her make such decisions. But in doing so, I am more and more relegating myself to that person who isn't active, who she can't look up to. (Yes, she admits she looks up to my intelligence but how often do you need to explain economic theory?!)

 

I hope I'm making this more understandable.

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, if I may interject, you are definitely NOT making things more understandable. You are making excuses for someone who is disrespecting you.

 

She may have made some very loving gestures towards you in the past. But you are on here because she said something that caused your instincts to prick up---and rightly so!

 

Now, I'm telling you---you either deal with this in an ALPHA way or expect a downward spiral in your relationship.

 

Intellectualize it all you want. Women don't give a fig! When she leaves you for another guy, then you'll really have time to tumble its logical fallacy over in your head.

[Versacehottie]

First of all, when there is not mutual respect at some point the relationship is going to implode. Respect is the cornerstone of a decent or better relationship.

 

Secondly, she sounds like she is so alpha herself that she is not able to accept her guy truly being strong OR laid back. She inherently may be permanently unhappy with whatever type of guy she gets. Have seen this type of thing before. If she doesn't respect you now when things are fresh and new, imagine how she will treat you as you have much more time into it.

 

She annoys me already. Acting like a brat who is trying to tell you "how to be" so she can be happy. She should have the courage to pull the plug herself if you are not what she wants. She sounds uber-controlling. I don't usually tell people to break up, but if someone didn't respect me, I absolutely would break up.

[Keenly]

From the way you described what she wants in a boyfriend, it really sounds like she wants a father more than a partner. Some one who will make all of her decisions for her leaving her without any form of responsibility or accountability whatsoever.

[willylilly]

Secondly, she sounds like she is so alpha herself that she is not able to accept her guy truly being strong OR laid back. She inherently may be permanently unhappy with whatever type of guy she gets.

 

Thanks Versacehottie. Yup, you've hit it. Numerous times her phrasing was "You need to xxx", "A boyfriend would have xxx" and "You should have reacted this way.".

 

The part where you said that her guy truly being strong OR laid back resonated with me because ultimately I don't want to trump or override her. I am perfectly fine her being the stronger person. I just need to know whether she IS okay with that and more importantly, she won't run to another person because something in our relationship seems lacking, ie this fictitious guy she needs to look up to everyday.

 

But I'm trying to find a solution to this problem because I love her and she loves me. And I'm saying this more in a rationale way and how we want to make this work and not in a love-is-blind way.

 

Relationship is a learning process and I hope to learn to slot myself into that guy who can keep her in balance.

Edited August 11, 2014 by willylilly

[SycamoreCircle]

Thanks Versacehottie. Yup, you've hit it. Numerous times her phrasing was "You need to xxx", "A boyfriend would have xxx" and "You should have reacted this way.".

 

No way. This is outrageous talk. How could you tolerate this sort of stuff?

 

But I'm trying to find a solution to this problem because I love her and she loves me. And I'm saying this more in a rationale way and how we want to make this work and not in a love-is-blind way.

 

We? Where is "we"? Is she on here trying to sort this out? There's you and her bad behavior.

 

Why are you so afraid of stepping up and saying "no"? Your diplomacy is part of the problem.

[Eivuwan]

I don't believe that people truly love each other in just six months. This is the honeymoon stage.

[Zahara]

Relationship is a learning process and I hope to learn to slot myself into that guy who can keep her in balance.

 

I'm not sure why you're twisting into a pretzel to make yourself marketable and adaptable for her.

 

Where does she slot herself into being the woman that allows you to be who you are in a relationship?

[Keenly]

I see this on a lot of dating profiles. Something to the effect of "I can be really difficult at times so I need a man who handle me"

 

 

And I read that and I think.... Orrrrrr you could just not be difficult?

[willylilly]

Okay guys. Lots have been shared here. I sincerely thank you for your input. I just saw her, we had a brief chat. I let it sink in. Here is the resolution.

 

A dispute between me and her occurred over the weekend. It spurred me to start this thread, the contents of which are the problems that fueled the dispute. I'll be lying if I said the dispute wasn't bad.

 

In our chat, two main points were covered.

 

1. She said that she wasn't herself during the dispute. And therefore, we should dismissed the outcome as something that won't happen again in the future. She reassured me it won't, again, earlier in the morning.

 

2. In brief, we both agreed that neither of us should change ourselves for the other. It was peculiar that after all I've discussed her, all she needed me to be was firm in my decision making. Not taking the lead, not dictating her. But just being firm. And she'll be okay with that.

 

Now personally, I feel deep down that unless there is a slight change in my alpha-ness, a similar issue would again rise by year end. She HAS been taking measures to improve our relationship as I did mentioned earlier she has been reading those "how to be a better gf" articles. I believe there are processes, undertaken by me and her separately, which will help our relationship.

 

And I don't want to dismiss all the good about us which I've not mentioned - we are both financially well to do, we have the same faith (let's not go there though), we have a common lingo, and we like to do things together.

 

And as weird as this may sound, she does respect our relationship, independent on whether she respects me or not. Ie, I love it very much that she's very exclusive with me. (Again, you can never truly know. But as of now, I see from the little things she to do keep this relationship only between us two. She wouldn't even share a flight seat with her male colleague).

 

Timeline, I told her a few times, we evaluate by 2014 end.

Edited August 11, 2014 by willylilly

[Sunfire73]

Well she wants an alpha, because she's an alpha. 2 Alpha's never work. Someone has to give. Doesn't matter who. In her attempt to make you an alpha, she's doing it wrong by stumping your decision. If she wants you to be an alpha, she should let you decide and stick with it. Coz the more she steps on your decisions, the more she steps on your confidence, or what you said, she doesn't respect your decision. To make a relationship work, she doesn't always need to be right. She has to accept whatever your decision is, it may not always be the right decision. She can always give her opinion, but it should be you making the final one. Relationships doesn't require you to change your core personality, but should allow you to adjust it to where you can reach your goals.

[preraph]

She just wants someone as strong as she is. She isn't looking to be treated like a child or bossed around, but for someone who is as good or better than her at taking on responsibility and making decisions and who doesn't leave it all to her. You probably are not a match, but then I have been in her shoes, and I never did find anyone who could outmatch me in those ways that wasn't already taken. She wants someone who can be her advocate, her attorney for everyday scuffles, her handyman when the door jams, her travel agent, and who has solid employment and could take care of her if the worst happened.

[Mrs Carter]

Timeline, I told her a few times, we evaluate by 2014 end.

Really? She is immature and has no respect for you. Yet you stick around? She must be hot.

[Mrs Carter]

Mrs Carter, a lot of themes in there. I'm relatively new to this but I hope to gain clarity in my situation.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to conclude that my gf lusts for me and does not love me. From my understanding, at its core, lust is feeding your own emotions whereas love is doing / being for the other person.

You don't really love someone after 6 months.

While I definitely know that she feels good and special when I'm with her, there are moments where she was selflessly there for me. Correct me if the following aren't instances where she loves me - 1. she organized a fairly well thought out birthday party for me, 2. she multiple times gave me surprises and drop by my office with food and 3. she has been reading articles of how to be the best gf to me.

4. She doesn't respect you. How does that compare to 1. 2. and 3.?

Now, what I'm getting is that she loves me but does not respect me. I know the consensus here is that they are equivalent. But for example, I can love and care for a person even if I think he is of no value to me.

You can respect someone even if you think they are of no value to you because you recognise that they are of value to someone else. That they are their own person. Besides, we are talking about romantic love, spending years, maybe your life together. It's respect that keeps it together. Without it there is resentment and fighting and alienation.

That certainly isn't the case here. I hope to think I at least make her feel wanted and good. I see it as a matter of making everyday decisions. She doesn't respect me enough to let me helm our daily routines as, maybe, deep inside her she knows she'll be the better one at it.

 

If you really want to get down to it - she knows where has better / cheaper food, she knows how to maximize time in a day, she knows what to say to get people to side her.

 

Frankly, I can let her make such decisions. But in doing so, I am more and more relegating myself to that person who isn't active, who she can't look up to. (Yes, she admits she looks up to my intelligence but how often do you need to explain economic theory?!)

 

I hope I'm making this more understandable.

Not really, you aren't making a very clear argument and I don't understand why your intelligence wouldn't matter? It's something that I use every single day in my decision making not just in high concept. Or are you mixing up intelligence with academic achievement?

[willylilly]

She wants someone who can be her advocate, her attorney for everyday scuffles, her handyman when the door jams, her travel agent, and who has solid employment and could take care of her if the worst happened.

 

Well said! And I think quite true too. As to how I measure up.

 

She wants someone who can be her advocate - Hmmm ... I lack the experience in a corporate organization to spur her forward in that area of her life. I did mention to let my accolades, though mostly in academics, inspire her if its inspiration she's looking for.

 

her attorney for everyday scuffles - I admit that I'm not well read. In everyday common affairs, I don't fare that well.

 

her handyman when the door jams - If its a logistic need, I'm there. For example, making her day easier with a lift to her home when she's sick is very natural to me.

 

her travel agent - If you mean this literally, I am the planner. She commented on my flawless planning for one group trip I organized.

 

and who has solid employment - Done. I got the mortgage to my house approved. Now just waiting for the right buy.

 

and could take care of her if the worst happened - I'm not the best at making decisions. But I hope that my love for her will be the fuel for my care.

 

Btw, I would like to ask you. As a girl, how long do you give a capable guy for him to learn such things? Is there some sort of 6 months or out mentality?

Edited August 11, 2014 by willylilly

[willylilly]

She wants someone who can be her advocate, her attorney for everyday scuffles, her handyman when the door jams, her travel agent, and who has solid employment and could take care of her if the worst happened.

 

Argh ... okay, now reading it again, it seems to me that I'm really not such a person. Due to your good phrasing, its painting a picture of a guy who is very compatible with her.

 

I don't seem to be that guy.

 

And if Mrs Carter is right about not knowing whether you love someone in six months, then I think the train is bound to derail. .

[Eivuwan]

I don't understand what this not being firm in your decision making means.

[SycamoreCircle]

I bet there's more to this---probably one of these alpha males at work flirted with her. That's sufficient to send a woman's mind turning and her behavior out of sorts. When women are into you, they are obedient and feminine. You need to cut all this "let's work together" racket and step up to the plate. Don't let her emasculate you or second guess your decisions. A woman will follow a man who makes bad decisions as long as he is acting like a man.

[BlueIris]

I bet there's more to this---probably one of these alpha males at work flirted with her. That's sufficient to send a woman's mind turning and her behavior out of sorts. When women are into you, they are obedient and feminine. You need to cut all this "let's work together" racket and step up to the plate. Don't let her emasculate you or second guess your decisions. A woman will follow a man who makes bad decisions as long as he is acting like a man.

 

I don't agree that someone else flirted with her necessarily, but I agree with the rest. I think he's saying he doesn't lead and that he's kicking back and coasting.

 

This is what I suspect, OP- you’re successful outside the relationship and that is the focus of your life- your hedge fund, your income, your car, buying a house, your Ivy degree. All external. You’re engaged in the outside world and your self-worth is based upon competing or succeeding outside the relationship.

 

But I interpreted your description of how you act in the relationship as not caring much, not making effort, riding shotgun. I’ve found that many men who are focused on succeeding in the outside world describe themselves as “laid-back” “go with the flow” “easy going” in their relationships but they’re really just snoozing at an emotional and interpersonal level.

 

Some just don’t care one way or another about primary relationships because their passion and energy is directed toward their personal goals. Some lack the skills for interpersonal relationship because they’ve been raised to assess their worth by these external measures and never even valued or considered relationship skills. Some are frustrated by how unclear the scale is for success in interpersonal relationships, especially in comparison to how clear the scale is in academic and financial success- the reward can't be quantified and compared. I’m sure there are other reasons too.

 

So my question is, if you love her, why? What do you love about her? Is it that she takes care of you?

[willylilly]

Some are frustrated by how unclear the scale is for success in interpersonal relationships, especially in comparison to how clear the scale is in academic and financial success- the reward can't be quantified and compared. I’m sure there are other reasons too.

 

So my question is, if you love her, why? What do you love about her? Is it that she takes care of you?

 

Thank you BlueIris for stirring this discussion to new, and hopefully insightful, grounds. Your reply is accurate, thought provoking and well timed.

 

Actually, your question isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Before I answer, I want to add a preface which I'm sure about - I don't need her. If this girl walks out of my life tomorrow, I'm sure I'll go through at most three weeks of sorrow before I'm back on my feet blazing through life. Now, the answer.

 

Being brutally honest and phrasing my answer in lingo which adds to its texture, I see her as a component that fits well with my collection of assets. I know for sure that my life isn't entirely about her. My life is about this goal, this accomplishment, this project and this girl. It as though she fits perfectly to my jig saw, the completion of which provides me with a very nice life.

 

Sounds pragmatic but actually true. I don't love her because I know I'm the only guy in the region who is the best fit of her. (I believe we agree on that). I don't love her because she has a need I can fulfill. (She herself is succeeding in life).

 

That said, I'm open to the new angle of whether can this relationship work given how I see my love for her.

[willylilly]

And just to quickly add.

 

She as a person is also quite close to where I am in the outside world. Graduate top of her class, though in a lower ranked school, progressed well in a top tier bank, placed the mortgage on her own house, very well liked in the office.

 

Simply put, both of us are striding well in different areas of the finance field. Her style more fast, directed and decisive. My style more about being smart, calculative and sporadic.

 

Perhaps the similarities of our profiles brought us together. And perhaps neither of us have any bearing of this interpersonal relationship success as you mentioned.

 

Quite insightful indeed.

[willylilly]

I bet there's more to this---probably one of these alpha males at work flirted with her. That's sufficient to send a woman's mind turning and her behavior out of sorts.

 

SycamoreCircle, I'm not too sure whether my response to such a situation falls in line with how you would respond. I, of course, considered such a possibility and I'm set on my reaction to the matter.

 

I will not attempt to out-alpha the alpha males in her office. One, that's definitely not me. Two, I just don't see the need to participate in that game, if I can call it a game.

 

Without going too much into detail, I have accepted the theory that the majority of the female species are naturally wired to go to the alpha guy. Call me crazy but I've entertained the possible sequence of events - this girl is in this 70% alpha-seeking portion, 3 years into our relationship she meets a more alpha guy than me (bound to happen), she cheats on me, I unequivocally walk out, I drive home to my condo, never want a relationship EVER again using her as a microcosm of the female population.

 

Essentially, I already acknowledged that I can't win in this alpha game. AND I AM ABSOLUTELY OKAY WITH IT. I'll take a chance with ONE girl, and this is the girl. I'm quite sure my life can be happy with or without her.

Edited August 11, 2014 by willylilly

[Ruby Slippers]

In her words, she wants someone steady who she knows will make the right decisions. Someone who, in a way, she fears and won't dare question his actions.

 

But I'm not the alpha person to scold her, take control, and dominate the decision making process.

It sounds like your girlfriend needs someone like my ex - an alpha guy with positive qualities - but also controlling and dominating, at times scolding and mean. Sometimes he behaved like an angry, overprotective father. Our relationship was an ongoing exercise in him trying to groom me to be more submissive and yielding, and me trying to groom him to be more considerate and caring. I tried to tolerate his dark edge because of the many positive qualities of our relationship, and because I loved him even with his flaws, but I'm sensitive and it hurt too much to sign on for a lifetime of it.

 

I don't think you can change into the cruel, dominating type. You can play a role of being more harsh and controlling, but it won't be genuine, so it won't last.

 

Love and life aren't about playing a role and pretending to be someone you're not.

[mammasita]

Love and respect go hand in hand. Simply because she texts you twice a day that she loves you doesn't mean she truly loves you. I can walk down the street and tell the guy/gal bagging my groceries that I love them. BIG WHOOP.

 

Point is, OP, you and this woman do not work together. Why should either of you have to change who you inherently are to be together. That's ridiculous.

 

My ex needed a woman who controlled him, that wasn't me. At first when he dumped me, I thought to myself "if only I was more controlling". I mean seriously.....it's laughable, I'm way too easy going..... I am who I am.

 

Be you.