Who Else Has Over - generous Parents?

[Leigh 87]

What do adult children say to overly generous parents?

 

And what sort of work ethic has their over generosity resulted in?

 

I really appreciate being able to live rent free whilst I am due to study next year - it is absolute thrill to know the stress I will avoid in trying to juggle 30 hours waiting tables with full time study. I am going to start a very demanding degree too.

 

However, now it is getting ridiculous. Mum got a bonus so she is trying to INSUST that she takes me to Sydney for the day, to spend 500 dollars on me. She is also wanting to push me to go to the bank so she can open a savings account for me; she wants to give me 100 a week set aside for my first mortgage deposit. OH, and I already GET 150 a week just for cleaning the house hard core (toilets, bathrooms, showers, voc a mop all floors, dust, sort things).

 

Frankly, I would rather my mother just keep the money for when I need it, as I am very happy just to know I have security; I do not need a million things. How can I politely tell her that I only want to accept some anti aging eye cream and skin care, and that is my limit? She INSISTS that buying me things is the highlight of her life, but it makes me uncomfortable because she is only earning 120 K a year as an English teacher. And she supports my ill father. I only get government help for my means of food/transport money and not much extra, bar occasional events work.

 

I am also an only child so will inherit a lot of money one day. However, I am still extremely driven to study a demanding degree in the medical sciences because I yearn for my own professional career. And as I said, whilst free living during college is wonderful, I intend to work one day a week in aged care during Uni, with once a month event work in the city. I want to 100% focus on study, but even just one day a week of work amounts to 10,000 in savings a year.

 

I will be saving thousands per year working one day a week and with occasional event work (serving drinks at sporting events and concerts). Why do I also need a trust fund? I mean..... I am going to point blank refuse and insist that mum only gets my good skincare, and will continue to accept the 150 a week for keeping the house extremely clean considering my parents are not physically able to do intensive cleaning work at age 60.

 

 

 

Am I greedy for accepting 150 a week for cleaning their flat, when I live rent free as it is? When I DO work one day a week, I am going to INSIST on paying for my share of the utilities.

 

And is it that bad that mum takes such pleasure in buying me expensive skincare because we have good skin in our family and she insists I take advantage of it?

 

 

 

 

What are your experiences with too generous parents? And no, I never intend to go at it on my own and insist on working 30 hours a week whilst completing a demanding degree. No thanks.

[gaius]

I don't know if you're greedy, I'm sure it feels very loving to have your parents dote on you like that. That's really as far as I can help you though. If there's ever anything tucked inside the birthday card from my mom it's more likely to be a bill.

[anna121]

I'll bite.

 

My parents did not spoil me growing up (they were too busy saving and investing) but have been over generous since. They funded me to get a grad degree in my mid-30s that allowed me to quit a soul-destroying situation and pursue my dream job (luckily it worked out). They gave me a car as a wedding present. And lots of cash gifts here and there.

 

So, yeah, I'm spoiled and I can admit it. But I don't depend on them for day to day stuff. I have my own financial means. In part due to them, I am highly educated and my current job is pretty much for life. Plus, I am very close to them.

[Philosoraptor]

I worked two jobs while taking 6 classes almost the entirety of my college career. I graduated at 21.

 

My parents allowed me to live at home as long as I was going to college.

[anne1707]

To be honest, I see living rent free as the reward for cleaning the house (that you are getting dirty to start with). Getting $150 on top of that is way over the top.

 

 

My parents ensured I was financially responsible and I did not assume that I could totally depend on them for support including when I was at college. Part of growing up is learning to be independent.

[Leigh 87]

I worked two jobs while taking 6 classes almost the entirety of my college career. I graduated at 21.

 

My parents allowed me to live at home as long as I was going to college.

 

 

 

I am not very pro students working full time whilst studying full time.

 

Did your parents make you work full time? My parents encourage me to work one day a week during college IF I want, they say it would be great for me to save, but they by no means care if I work or not.

 

I have turned out to be very generous and kind so I don't think their generosity had a negative impact.

 

I just don't think it is a good thing at all (working full time in conjunction with FULL TIME study). Some people can handle it and that is fantastic, but I assure you that he majority of people enjoy life more if they don't have to work full time and juggle it with full time study.

[Leigh 87]

To be honest, I see living rent free as the reward for cleaning the house (that you are getting dirty to start with). Getting $150 on top of that is way over the top.

 

 

My parents ensured I was financially responsible and I did not assume that I could totally depend on them for support including when I was at college. Part of growing up is learning to be independent.

 

 

 

It is what our values dictate.

 

My parents don't think children should HAVE to work whilst they are studying full time. Sadly, most students HAVE to work.

 

Personally, I will definitely choose to work during college so I can get great references and because employers favour students who work during college. I will be working once a month in event work with the same company for 4 years by the time I graduate, plus once a week aged care work for years, plus I am doing 4 hours a fortnight of phone crisis counselling for a suicide hotline atm....volunteering.

 

So my college aim is: 1 day per week aged care, 4 hours a fortnight of phone crisis counselling and once per month event work.

 

I am doing the bare minimum work to make employers see that I have held a long term job during college, volunteered and have a few fantastic references.

 

I am aiming for a distinction average and intensive studying so I can get the best marks that are needed if you ever want a career change later in life; my university keeps your marks valid, if I want a career change I could use a great GPA to get into ANY masters degree of my choosing.

 

Good marks open a world of opportunity up so I am very anti working more than 20 hours a week during Uni unless you HAVE to, and unless you are doing a NON demanding degree.....

 

I do not see many students in say, engineering, working 20 or more hours a week and getting distinctions.....

[ASG]

My mom has spoiled me somewhat.

 

I was never allowed to work while I was in school. Once I graduated and started working, she insisted I get a degree. I budged. She wanted me to stop working full time while getting my degree, which I refused.

 

She paid for it, and I lived at home. For this reason, I have NO student loans, no debt at all.

 

When I moved out, she would make me food for the week and buy me groceries (I never asked).

When I moved to London, she gave me a monthly allowance, paid for my course and helps me with the rent whenever I need it.

 

Whenever I go visit, she will take me shopping and buy me clothes/shoes/whatever!

 

I love it. And I make sure she knows I appreciate it.

[todreaminblue]

i will have an inheritance when my mum passes on.......i would prefer she lived longer than me...i dotn care if i live and die without an inheritance......my mum has helped me out and for that reason i now help her out if i am able to financially, to me helping family isnt generosity that is for charity ...helping family out is par for the course...part of life....in saying that, my kids pay rent....when i stayed with my mum ....i paid my way and i helped clean....and i studied.......i expect my kids to do the same....

 

 

 

i have never received a free ride and i have been offered a free ride ..from a few guys who have said or offered me free accommodation if i ever needed it....its a no...something is always expected normally sex......so i decline...........if i have homeless people stay for more than two weeks they give me minimal money or buy some food and ill cook it, its a barter system...they help me clean and i try and get them somewhere permanent.....i think and feel its always better to contribute financially and pyhsically when you move in on someone.....even family..... some how some way ...cleaning however is what should be done regardless...it shouldnt be a part of rent just part of a clean harmonious home..........deb

[mammasita]

I think it's all about your attitude towards their generosity. If you sit around like a self entitled spoiled child without helping yourself and having a backup plan, then yes I think it's a problem.....a HUGE problem.

 

IMO, you should just let your mom do for you what she wants while she has the means to. You never know when the well will dry up. Not only that, the impression I get about you is that you're working to better yourself so you have a stable future - regardless of your parents help.

[Philosoraptor]

I was not very pro massive debt at the end of my college career. I had no issues with my work load and had no issues getting all A's and B's through college. A strong work ethic is gained by being able to manage your priorities while still remaining productive. Employers saw my work ethic and I had no issues obtaining a full time job in my career field a year before I graduated.

 

On top of that I had no issues maintaining relationships or spending time doing the things I enjoyed. Life is only as hard as you make it.

[Els]

How can I politely tell her that I only want to accept some anti aging eye cream and skin care, and that is my limit?

 

"Mum, I appreciate you letting me live at home rent free while I pursue my degree, but I think I need to learn how to be independent and manage my own finances now, so please don't buy me anything else."

[Leigh 87]

I was not very pro massive debt at the end of my college career. I had no issues with my work load and had no issues getting all A's and B's through college. A strong work ethic is gained by being able to manage your priorities while still remaining productive. Employers saw my work ethic and I had no issues obtaining a full time job in my career field a year before I graduated.

 

On top of that I had no issues maintaining relationships or spending time doing the things I enjoyed. Life is only as hard as you make it.

 

 

 

But not many students CAN maintain high grades and work full time.

 

I have to work hard for high grades. I would only get passes if I were in your predicament.

 

It is not grounded in reality. At all. Most people of average intelligence cannot do a demanding degree, get high D's or even credits, and work full time whilst also maintaining a social life.

[Leigh 87]

"Mum, I appreciate you letting me live at home rent free while I pursue my degree, but I think I need to learn how to be independent and manage my own finances now, so please don't buy me anything else."

 

 

 

I am going to tell her just that.

 

Followed by " you already give me the 150 a week for cleaning when frankly, I should and would do it for free in exchange for rent. There is really no need to give me MORE when I already have it way easier than most other college students"

 

I will get back to you tomorrow on how it went.

 

Although I will let her buy me the anti aging eye cream and skin care but that is all I ever want to let her spend on me.

[Leigh 87]

I think it's all about your attitude towards their generosity. If you sit around like a self entitled spoiled child without helping yourself and having a backup plan, then yes I think it's a problem.....a HUGE problem.

 

IMO, you should just let your mom do for you what she wants while she has the means to. You never know when the well will dry up. Not only that, the impression I get about you is that you're working to better yourself so you have a stable future - regardless of your parents help.

 

 

Well my friend in the US' had a guy she was seeing who lived at home and just attended flight school and farted around for fun in his late 20's while his parents funded his living lol. With no intend of actually getting employed.

 

My parents would have a serious intervention if I didn't get a degree or proper job. Out of their love for me of course.

[Leigh 87]

My younger cousin works in finance at one of the top firms in Sydney and makes over 70K a year, and yet his mum doesn't charge him any rent either.

 

I will get 50 or more K as a new grad in an allied health field and will most certainly be paying for all the utilities. Not rent, but I would pay for the electricity and gas for them to help them out.

[Philosoraptor]

But not many students CAN maintain high grades and work full time.

 

I have to work hard for high grades. I would only get passes if I were in your predicament.

 

It is not grounded in reality. At all. Most people of average intelligence cannot do a demanding degree, get high D's or even credits, and work full time whilst also maintaining a social life.

I disagree totally. It's not about how much time you have to study, it's how you prioritize your time. Almost everyone I went to college with worked at least one job while taking a full course load.

 

It certainly wasn't a predicament, was pretty smooth for the most part. Every once in awhile I had a late night, but those times I put my school work at the top of my list and didn't go out with friends.

[Leigh 87]

I disagree totally. It's not about how much time you have to study, it's how you prioritize your time. Almost everyone I went to college with worked at least one job while taking a full course load.

 

It certainly wasn't a predicament, was pretty smooth for the most part. Every once in awhile I had a late night, but those times I put my school work at the top of my list and didn't go out with friends.

 

 

 

So you basically advocate FULL TIME work as well as FULL TIME study. And you actually think it is optimal?

 

Right.

 

I agree that all students needs to work OR volunteer PART TIME. For sure. NO one will hire you if you do not have either work or volunteer experience with references - preferably in an industry related to your degree, in paid or unpaid internship.

 

But I have never met Anyone who actually thought that both full time work and study are ideal. Not once.

[clia]

"I appreciate your generosity, but I don't need this or that. It makes me uncomfortable that you are buying so much for me at my age." Just say no. End of story. If she wants to buy you a birthday gift or Christmas gift, fine. Other than that, you just have to put your foot down. She can't force you to accept money. I have doubts that you want this to stop, though. I think you are just trying to justify your situation.

 

Personally, I think it's kind of ridiculous that you are getting an allowance at age 27. I did chores around the house in exchange for money when I was 12. I also think it's pretty funny that you are at an age where you want anti aging creams...but you need your mom to buy them for you.

 

She is also wanting to push me to go to the bank so she can open a savings account for me; she wants to give me 100 a week set aside for my first mortgage deposit.

 

You should have a savings account of your own by now. She shouldn't have to push you to open one or open one for you. Why don't you go open one on your own?

[Philosoraptor]

I disgreed that not many students can maintain high grades and work full time at the same time. It's all about how you prioritize their lives.

 

I graduated at 21 because I had no issue putting my focus where it needed to be. For example I wasn't playing around on forums in my free time. My goals were to graduate without being buried in debt. I made a plan and ended college with little debt.

 

I have no issue with your path, just disagree that it is in any way the ideal path. Sure, it would be nice to have a free ride, but not everyone gets that privilege. Work ethic and life experience is gained through building and achieving goals through adversity.

 

Maybe working a full time and a part time job is a lot, but there is no one who can't manage a 40 hour work week along with a full course load. It just speaks of a poor work ethic and life direction. Hence why my cousin, the same age as me (27), was the valedictorian in high school and has no life direction. She's been to college over and over for multiple things, put her parents in massive debt, and still has no career to show for it. Lack of work ethic and life direction is going to leave her in her 30's without a real job still having her parents take care of her.

[Leigh 87]

Speak for yourself philisoraptor. I can personally say that working full time would not be ideal for me during my imminent full time studies.

 

Can you please explain why part time work of 20 hours per week PLUS 40 hours worth of study, is LESS IDEAL than 40 plus hours work PLUS 40 hours of study?

 

Virtually no one thinks a 40 - 50 hour working week WITH additional 40 hours of study, is IDEAL. And I have met a diverse range of professionals from all walks of life.

 

You would be very hard pressed to find many employers that LOOK for students that worked full time; part time yes that is essential, but full time? Come on now. They likely wouldn't urge their OWN children to do "50 hours of work per week whilst they fit in a demanding engineering degree".

 

I believe volunteering and working minimally throughout your degree is enough to get good references and earn a few thousand in savings each year.

 

It is Ludacris to think that it is IDEAL for ALL students to have to work FULL TIME just to pay the bills, with no savings, whilst studying full time.

 

 

 

I would simply opt to study PART TIME if I was FORCED to work full time during my studies.

[Haydn]

My parents had no real money to support me but our house was always spotless!

[Leigh 87]

 

Maybe working a full time and a part time job is a lot, but there is no one who can't manage a 40 hour work week along with a full course load. It just speaks of a poor work ethic and life direction. Hence why my cousin, the same age as me (27), .

 

 

 

LOL.

 

You are honestly calling everyone who doesn't work FULL TIME during their studies lazy and lacking a solid work ethic???????/??

 

Do you talk to many people who all say " yeah, I totally want to work full time during college because it will improve my employment prospects because, you know, HEAPS of companies hire students who, worked full time over students who worked part time"

 

Can you not see how NONSEICLE that is? I have never met an employer who has a huge preference for students who worked full time versus part time. EVERYONE knows that great marks PLUS volunteering/unpaid internships or part time work= best shot at a job. Full time study and good grades + full time work would not make much of a difference to the part time worker who got the same grades.

 

The difference would be minimal - plenty of extremely hard workers only worked part time through Uni!

 

My mum didn't work FULL TIME whilst she studied and she works her ass off to support my ill father.

 

My mum is JUST AS HARD WORKING AS YOU ARE in EVERY SENSE of the word. She gets up at 4am EVERY MORNING to travel to her job.

 

How dare you say that people who do not work full time are lazy and lack good work ethic.

 

 

You have pretty much insulted a lot of my friends and family who are VERY HARD WORKING and yet didn't opt to work full time during their full course loads!

[Philosoraptor]

You keep throwing the word ideal around but nowhere did I say that anything was ideal. I said that anyone who takes the time to prioritize their life should have no issue working full time and taking a full course load.

 

I graduated with a Network Security/Engineering degree at 21, bought my first house at 22. My goal was to get out of college with little debt so I could move on with my life faster.

 

You set your own goals though. You need to understand that not everyone has a golden ticket where they can play around for years on their parents dime. You don't work part time and have a few thousand a year in savings.

 

You are getting way too emotional. No where did I say anyone who makes the choice to not work full time is lazy, it's a choice. And many times above I've stated there was nothing wrong with your choice. What I said was that anyone who can't manage that situation lacks the work ethic and life direction to deal with adult situations. At 18 you're an adult, and you need the life skills to take care of yourself and put your life in the direction you want it to go. If you have the means to take a different path, then good for you. But no adult should be unable to prioritize their lives. If the only way to get to your goal is to do both full time, you need to be able to manage that.

[Leigh 87]

"I appreciate your generosity, but I don't need this or that. It makes me uncomfortable that you are buying so much for me at my age." Just say no. End of story. If she wants to buy you a birthday gift or Christmas gift, fine. Other than that, you just have to put your foot down. She can't force you to accept money. I have doubts that you want this to stop, though. I think you are just trying to justify your situation.

 

I think I am a lovely, kind and generous woman. I don't need to justify anything sorry. I am not doing anything that I am ashamed of. People who are ass holes, who are not generous and who don't like to help others are the people who need to justify themselves in my eyes.

 

I don't have a problem accepting great skin care. I will have better skin than my friends who cannot afford such things. I have lived a little and I am friends with professionals AND students alike who cannot afford such nice things, so I am very aware of how the real world works for most people. I am not ignorant to how fortunate I am.

 

Funnily enough, I still study harder than all my friends when I am at college, I am the one who always started course readings immediately, started assignments on THE DAY they were issued, and never missed a beat. My mates were always dumbfounded by my drive and worth ethic last year when I studied lol. S

 

So yeah, I don't think accepting nice things has any direct correlation to my work ethic or character. I am more kind and generous than most too and don't lie or cheat.

 

Personally, I think it's kind of ridiculous that you are getting an allowance at age 27. I did chores around the house in exchange for money when I was 12. I also think it's pretty funny that you are at an age where you want anti aging creams...but you need your mom to buy them for you.

 

You should have a savings account of your own by now. She shouldn't have to push you to open one or open one for you. Why don't you go open one on your own?

 

Yes it would be lovely but sadly, some young adults suffer from severe and very debilitating mental illness.

 

My mum is simply giving her only daughter a leg up to make up for the huge set back I had. She saw my childhood friends who I was much more academically inclined than, graduate and lead normal lives while I was stuck in hospital with no friends or boyfriends or any semblance of a normal life.

 

Is it that wrong of my mother to want to give me a leg up after years of set backs? It is not like I am not on the right path - I intend to study hard and get a decent job whilst I still work/volunteer albeit nowhere near full time..

 

Really, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to help your only daughter out.

 

I just don't want to accept too much - the 150 a week is my savings account, and I clean for it.

 

Anything else bar the odd gift is too much I believe and I wont be accepting it anymore.