In the mind of a dumper - finally got some closure

[Gatema]

Oh crap, please look the other way for my mistakes found in my most recent post. I wasn't allowed to edit it. Hence, the act of reading through the cryptic content.

[SoThatHappened]

Oh crap, please look the other way for my mistakes found in my most recent post. I wasn't allowed to edit it. Hence, the act of reading through the cryptic content.

No sweat. Still a good post!

[Gatema]

Gatema... paragraphs!!!

 

I know, I know, sorry. I didn't obey the rule for posting, editing, then posting again. I timed out, forfeited my rights for making any further corrections, but I did learn a very important lesson along the way. Does that count? Eventually, I'll get the timing rule down, then hopefully, I'll be able to post my comments with paragraphs included and the grammatical errors corrected. Wishful thinking, I totally get it.

[Gatema]

Gatema - I have to say, YOU ROCK. Your posts and advice are some of the best I've heard.

 

Thank you for contributing that! I need to hear these "tough love" words as well, as I'm recovering from a break up as well. This person wanted to stay "friends" after 10 months of an amazing romantic relationship. At first I thought I could do it, but realized it was codependent and not healthy at all. And sorry, I have enough friends. I wanted a boyfriend. Which by breaking up with me, he made the decision that I was no longer wanted in that role. So why go where you are not wanted anymore? It ran it's course... Relationships run their courses. It is very rare these days for a relationship to go long term, or into old age, sitting on the porch at age 90 together. That is just not reality in today's society. People give up too soon, get bored, want that next "fix" or "high", are never satisfied. There is always something or someone "better" out there. And god forbid, we deal with our issues. Nope, just walk away... So let them. Walk away. Find

 

someone who wants you! Their loss.

 

Love yourself, your true friends, your hobbies, your exercise, your job, passions, pets, etc. LIVE. Date multiple people at once. Get out there and live LIFE. Without this damn person who made it very clear they do NOT WANT YOU IN THEIR LIFE anymore.

 

Thank them for setting you free, vs setting you up for more time, months of questioning, unhappiness, more pain.

 

Be free! Exhale and tell yourself it's actually a blessing. Because when the time is right, that person who DOES want you and accepts ALL of you, and wants, sees a future with you...will stick around.

 

If you are younger, in your 20's, even 30's - enjoy this alone time, being single! Because once you settle down, get married... Then there will be a whole bunch of other issues.

 

Think about it - how many truly happily married couples do you know? Do any of us know? Sure, they may act like they are happy. But once you hit 15 years with same person... aaahhh, the trouble begins. A whole new set of problems.

 

So enjoy being single. Do all the things you want to do. Travel, learn a new skill. Do whatever YOU want, before you have this other person, and then kids! too, which will tie you down, and sure, it's awesome in some ways, but you lose yourself in many ways as well, your independence.

 

So enjoy it now!!!

 

My, my, my, you took the thoughts right out of my head. Great job on sharing the truth in this matter. Really, the last thing this planet needs are more people, with more excuses for their egregious, immature, and bad behaviors like the ones that have been posted here, in record numbers, I might add.

 

It's like the relationship's failure factor is actively circling the drain, waiting for the opportunity to wash away any chances for survival in about 80% of the relationships. Walking away, dismissing ownership for any personal accountability doesn't seem to stop at relationship etiquette 101. It now bleeds over to most civic and individual responsibilities, for the past, the present and any future obligations. This has become an accepted attitude to champion, it rules many of our decisions, it crosses the lines on so many levels, and it clearly sends the wrong message to our children. The reality is, acting this way has become the new norm, and it's glorious results are proven throughout this forum, daily.

[Davidlarsson]

So again she wrote to me repeating the last question. Last nights before going to sleep i've been so mad, it took me like a month but now every night I just feel like I wanna write to her and tell her to **** off.

 

I am not going to reply, but I would like to writing something like "Don't write to me anymore. Please try to save the last respect I have left of you."

 

I think it's because I have started to look back on the past month before our relationship ended. How she excluded me from social events, lied to me, even when I confronted her asking if everything really was alright, and if not I really wanted her to tell me because it tore down my self-esteem, she said no, there's nothing wrong. Only to dump me the coming night while drunk. If you can lie about that, what more lies are there? And I think now I would not even take her back, just because I could never trust her.

 

Anyways, I've looked into the whole "5 stages of blabla" and mine are so different from the linear stages they write them in. I am so back and forth, but to feel this anger is acctualy a good feeling. It's kinda weird.

[Davidlarsson]

Also she keeps like:ing my friends post on facebook, like all of them, even wrote to my sister two months after she got a baby replying with the exact same "All luck to you and love to you" that I did the last message I sent her.

[BC1980]

The 5 stages are not linear by any means. You will go back and forth quite frequently.

 

I know the feeling of wanting to tell the other person to F off, but they don't get it. She stays in touch because she feels badly and wants to keep tabs on you. It makes her feel better if she thinks you are doing okay. I would completely block her from everything. Don't give her any more energy.

[Gatema]

Davidlarson:

You have every right in the world to write to your ex girlfriend with a list of her self-serving and manipulative actions since the break up. You can expand your disdain for her even further, by telling her that you don't appreciate some of the things that she has done lately. And in your opinion, the way that she has been acting since the break up borders between embarrassingly immature, and clearly classless.

 

 

That is, of course, if you are not opposed to starting your goal for moving on at ground zero, maybe, -zero, all over again. Which will happen the second that she gets back to you defending what she's done, and why.

 

 

Rule #1:How to create major setbacks for yourself while trying to moving on.

Sending a letter or a text to your ex to make them feel bad.

This will do the opposite of what you want to happen.

 

 

Giving her the opportunity to open the lines of communication between each other will do two things:

 

It is a confirmation to her, that you are still grasping at straws to be in contact with her, meaning, you haven't accepted the break up yet, nor have you moved on.

Plus 1 for ex.

 

And

 

 

You get to experience the feelings for getting your heart broken all over again; round two, if you will. In addition to getting your heart blown to smithereens, it will also erase any progress that you've worked really hard to achieve. And without a question, it's going to leave you confused, even more than before, from all her psycho babble that she dumps on you while she's trying to explain herself.

Minus 1 for the other ex.

 

 

No day at the beach, in my humble opinion. However, here might be another alternative to try instead; it even may generate some positive vibes for you for having a great evening.

 

Write your email/text, save it, don't send it.

 

Then go outside, sit in the sun, listen to some music, plan your weekend activities, and think to yourself concering your ex..........good riddance........it was an unbelievable ride..........but I'm choosing to get off here.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Gatema

[Davidlarsson]

First of all, thank you for all the replies. And most to you Gatema, It feels like you've taken me under you wings. I really appreciate all you'r answers. Now I am a bit drunk, but suddenly my ex changed all her last everything on facebook public since we broke up meaning I can see what she updated just an hour ago. I am sure I am reading way to much into this, but it's now been soon two weeks since i initiated NC and it feels like I way of grabbing my attention. Perhaps it's just some random conicident, but the same day as she writes and the same day as I ignore she does this. Anyways, just felt like writing some......

[BC1980]

First of all, thank you for all the replies. And most to you Gatema, It feels like you've taken me under you wings. I really appreciate all you'r answers. Now I am a bit drunk, but suddenly my ex changed all her last everything on facebook public since we broke up meaning I can see what she updated just an hour ago. I am sure I am reading way to much into this, but it's now been soon two weeks since i initiated NC and it feels like I way of grabbing my attention. Perhaps it's just some random conicident, but the same day as she writes and the same day as I ignore she does this. Anyways, just felt like writing some......

 

NC means blocking your ex on all social media or, at the very least defriending her. You are absolutely digging yourself a bigger hole by having access to her FB account.

[Davidlarsson]

So I need som advice. I have been living with my brother since I came back but am going to move in with my friend in the middle of this month. Since me and my ex have alot of old furniture and stuff in our old apartment cellar, we need to decide who gets what.

 

I have blocked her on facebook, because I could not keep myself from going in checking up on her, who she had been adding as friends, what events she's going to.. But now I need to talk to her about this matters.

 

I really have no other option (besides maybe asking someone in my family to talk to her about this, but I feel that it would be so immature) then to contact her myself through e-mail.

 

How should I adress her in the e-mail do you guys and girls think?

[BC1980]

So I need som advice. I have been living with my brother since I came back but am going to move in with my friend in the middle of this month. Since me and my ex have alot of old furniture and stuff in our old apartment cellar, we need to decide who gets what.

 

I have blocked her on facebook, because I could not keep myself from going in checking up on her, who she had been adding as friends, what events she's going to.. But now I need to talk to her about this matters.

 

I really have no other option (besides maybe asking someone in my family to talk to her about this, but I feel that it would be so immature) then to contact her myself through e-mail.

 

How should I adress her in the e-mail do you guys and girls think?

 

Do it matter of fact and business like. No emotion and to the point. Do it ASAP.

[Gatema]

Hey, you sound as though you are making some very good decisions for getting your life to find its way back to a healthy reality. Taking some of the steps that you have mentioned, while they are never easy, will be the most beneficial in the long run.

 

Thanks for thanking me about my posts. I was a little concerned that I may come across as too harsh or finger wagging about what my thoughts are for the next steps, and the next. And, that would be affirmative.

I'm brutally honest if someone has asked a question about a break up and then ask for some advise on what to do. I get it for some sad reason.

 

I'm here to to read the stories from those sitting on the fence with how to respond to an ex, getting over an ex, moving on, why an ex does this, etc.

 

This is what I've learned, the hard way.

People have specific behaviors in a crisis, all behaviors have patterns,

patterns predict outcomes, outcomes make or break the next path in a person's life. So getting it right the first few go arounds would be an ideal prognosis.

 

I try to plant a few seeds for an action plan, and particularly, when someone is serious about breaking away from an ex that has essentially walked out of their life, leaving the other one with a hot mess of unfinished business.

 

Oh yah, I've been there, done it all, made the same pathetic mistakes, and in the end, just prolonged the last goodbye.

[Gatema]

P.S.

 

Text/letter.......short, just the facts, give a deadline, no excuses.

Done.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I'm so jealous.

 

So many of us pathetic bastards want something like that. I'm crying because I'm fantasizing about her writing something like that to me.

 

I'd give anything for it, even though it's been 20 years. (long story short: I repressed it all... never cried or dealt or grieved that loss until recently... it's been under the surface this whole time and it still feels fresh)

 

My ex and I never spoke again after the break-up. We were both on separate vacations to our hometowns and when I returned, I learned that she didn't. That whole trip all I could think about was her and hoping I would get to marry her and love her forever.

 

I called her and I made her promise to come back to me but.... we never spoke again.

 

I don't care what she would say, just a single conversation or message or anything would do.

 

Anything to not feel so abandoned.

[BC1980]

I'm so jealous.

 

So many of us pathetic bastards want something like that. I'm crying because I'm fantasizing about her writing something like that to me.

 

I'd give anything for it, even though it's been 20 years. (long story short: I repressed it all... never cried or dealt or grieved that loss until recently... it's been under the surface this whole time and it still feels fresh)

 

My ex and I never spoke again after the break-up. We were both on separate vacations to our hometowns and when I returned, I learned that she didn't. That whole trip all I could think about was her and hoping I would get to marry her and love her forever.

 

I called her and I made her promise to come back to me but.... we never spoke again.

 

I don't care what she would say, just a single conversation or message or anything would do.

 

Anything to not feel so abandoned.

 

If you read the thread, you will realize that the letter gave him no closure, and he is still angry and confused. Trust me, you really don't want a letter like that.

[Davidlarsson]

So I sent the e-mail and got a answer. I'm acctualy thinking im starting to not care as much. I have no problem sleeping, no bad thoughts, the first thing in the morning is not her anymore. I don't have the same thought pattern revolving around what she is doing, if she's been with anyone, etcetera, im acctualy healing pretty well. Sure there are us and downs, especially with the little things where you wanna share an idea, or something positive or negative that's happend, but that's pretty much it. 6 weeks and I see a bright future. Some nights I even smile the last thing I do before falling asleep feeling how great it feels being "free" and single.

[BC1980]

So I sent the e-mail and got a answer. I'm acctualy thinking im starting to not care as much. I have no problem sleeping, no bad thoughts, the first thing in the morning is not her anymore. I don't have the same thought pattern revolving around what she is doing, if she's been with anyone, etcetera, im acctualy healing pretty well. Sure there are us and downs, especially with the little things where you wanna share an idea, or something positive or negative that's happend, but that's pretty much it. 6 weeks and I see a bright future. Some nights I even smile the last thing I do before falling asleep feeling how great it feels being "free" and single.

 

Has she replied to the email?

[Davidlarsson]

Has she replied to the email?

 

I gave her a week to reply with her suggestions about who takes what, and she simply said she'd get back to me.

[Davidlarsson]

just gotta vent abit cuz so mad. as i might have written we lived together in another country when we broke up so i moved hom. now i habe a another friend living there who have a friend visiting.. that person is going back tomorrow and were suppose to bring with a bag of clothes i could not tale with due to bagage weight.

 

so my friend and ex decided to meet today but then shr bailed and "could not make it" so now i had to initiate contact with her asking wtf her problem eas, she gave me a mad respons saying she have bern so stressed and didnt find the time. i told her u have had 2 months to leave the bag to my friend and she just snapped back giving me all kinda **** like she had to take care of out old appartment when i left..

 

its so annoyinh cuz it feels lile she is stringint me alpng and i even told het dont u get that i just want it back so we can end yhis formal coomunication, but she didnt get or didnt eant to understanf how this effected me emotionally..

 

do now i dont know how to do with this and am forced to hace contact with her again in the future

[BC1980]

How important is the stuff? Can you live without it?

[Davidlarsson]

well yea, but its a full bag of clothes as well as a xbox 360 so its things i really want back..

[BC1980]

well yea, but its a full bag of clothes as well as a xbox 360 so its things i really want back..

 

It sucks because you can't force someone to do something. My ex was actually supposed to pay my grandfather back for the wedding band he had bought as our wedding gift. I was a very nice 14 carat gold band, and my grandfather works at the jewelry store. So he had bought it as a surprise wedding gift. The band was worth nearly 400.00, but my ex never gave the money back or even tried to sell the ring back as far as I know. It's sh@tty. We talked several times about him giving the money back to my grandfather, but he never came through with the money.

 

I thought for months about contacting the ex again for the money, but it's not worth it anymore. It's wrong, but I can't make him do something. Sometimes, you have to take the loss and move on for your own sanity.

[Davidlarsson]

It sucks because you can't force someone to do something. My ex was actually supposed to pay my grandfather back for the wedding band he had bought as our wedding gift. I was a very nice 14 carat gold band, and my grandfather works at the jewelry store. So he had bought it as a surprise wedding gift. The band was worth nearly 400.00, but my ex never gave the money back or even tried to sell the ring back as far as I know. It's sh@tty. We talked several times about him giving the money back to my grandfather, but he never came through with the money.

 

I thought for months about contacting the ex again for the money, but it's not worth it anymore. It's wrong, but I can't make him do something. Sometimes, you have to take the loss and move on for your own sanity.

 

 

I know and its such a lack of respect. I am sorry for your loss. Worst thing was she ended it now saying its no problem because she is going back hole soon and we could meet up then and she would give it to me. I know all about this overanalyze, but its like shes postponing it for her to have a reason to meet me in a few weeks...

[BC1980]

I know and its such a lack of respect. I am sorry for your loss. Worst thing was she ended it now saying its no problem because she is going back hole soon and we could meet up then and she would give it to me. I know all about this overanalyze, but its like shes postponing it for her to have a reason to meet me in a few weeks...

 

No, she's postponing it because it's easier for her, and she isn't as affected by it. It's hard to understand, but she's not as emotional as you about it. She has no idea that it affects you the way it does. Sucks.