Resuming a friendship with someone who just got out of rehab

[Standard-Fare]

I have a friend, "Sheila," who was forced into rehab by her family. She returned home three weeks ago after being gone for eight full weeks.

 

We're not longtime friends, but we'd become semi-close over the past two or three years. Admittedly we spent a lot of time drinking together, because that was Sheila's mode with almost everyone.

 

Shortly before her family's intervention, Sheila and I had a weird incident where I sort of "caught" her privately hoarding alcohol at a social event. I won't go into all the details. We didn't have a confrontation, but I was upset about it, and left the event early without saying goodbye to her. This screwed her over because I was the most natural candidate to drive her home (over 30 miles). Apparently she ended up stranded there for a while and was pissed off at me.

 

Well, we never talked about it, and she went into rehab shortly after. About midway through her stay I sent her a short note of encouragement. In the three weeks post-rehab, I've tried to contact her four times total – email, phone call, two texts – and have received no responses.

 

As a friend who wants to be supportive, I'm pretty discouraged by her total silence. I know she needs people around her right now, and I don't want to just drop off her planet. And if I just waited around for her to be the one to contact ME, I promise you I'd never hear from her. Not her style.

 

At the moment I have no choice but to back off and give her space, but I think I'll try again to reach out in 2-3 weeks. I'm wondering how the hell to handle this. At a certain point I will have to give up because she's making it too hard.

[preraph]

People in recovery are pretty much told they won't be able to resume some of their old friendships or it will trigger them again being in the same circumstances with people who use. You have offered your support. Once she's feeling strong, she may reappear. Until then you need to leave her alone.

[Standard-Fare]

People in recovery are pretty much told they won't be able to resume some of their old friendships or it will trigger them again being in the same circumstances with people who use. You have offered your support. Once she's feeling strong, she may reappear. Until then you need to leave her alone.

 

You're right, I will leave her alone.

 

But I wish there was a way to make it clear that I still want to be her friend and it doesn't matter to me at all that alcohol is now out of the equation.

 

I have plenty of friendships that don't involve drinking, including a couple friendships with former addicts now in AA. With Sheila, we always drank together because Sheila always drank with EVERYONE. If you were hanging out with her, that's what you were doing.

 

I want her to know that there's a whole other side of me ... I do hiking, biking, yoga, day trips, movies, etc etc, and I'd like to share those types of things with her and experience a new type of friendship.

[d0nnivain]

It might not matter to you, but if you were a part of her drinking life, when she sees you she will remember the parties & then she may crave that even more because she can't have it.

[Standard-Fare]

It might not matter to you, but if you were a part of her drinking life, when she sees you she will remember the parties & then she may crave that even more because she can't have it.

 

I certainly can understand that. But with her, that's going to be the case with every single one of her family members, friends, and acquaintances. That was just her lifestyle, there's no getting around that.

 

So she can choose either to sever all connections to her past and alienate herself completely, or to try to develop new types of relationships with the people who already love her. I want her to know I'm willing to do the latter with her.

 

But I agree with the general tone of the advice – to stay clear for a while. I do hope that she'll reach out at some point.

Edited August 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

You can always let her know you're willing to be alcohol-free and substance-free around her if she ever wants to get together in the future. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't expect a lot out of her right now. Recovery, you can be really confused and overwhelmed and depressed and she needs time.

[Standard-Fare]

You can always let her know you're willing to be alcohol-free and substance-free around her if she ever wants to get together in the future. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't expect a lot out of her right now. Recovery, you can be really confused and overwhelmed and depressed and she needs time.

 

Well, I'm definitely going to stay away for the next few weeks, but when/if I do reach out again, do you think I need to be explicit on that point?

 

Do I actually have to say something like: "Just so you know, I'll have no problem whatsoever hanging out with you without alcohol and drugs. I'm excited to do other things with you." It seems almost... crass? Maybe a little insulting? I just don't know how to address that elephant in the room.

 

And PS: in my email I did briefly address that "weird" incident we had in the past that pissed her off. I explained myself and apologized for my behavior. I didn't dwell on it and I assume she's over it/has bigger fish to fry. Hopefully that's playing no role in her current silence.

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't so much announce the lack of alcohol in your social engagement but I would suggest a meet up that clearly doesn't include booze -- maybe a movie; a restaurant that doesn't have a liquor license; or an activity / sport.

[preraph]

I think it's important to be up front about having a substance free friendship. I support a friend of mine. She can still be with me because I don't ever drink around her and try not to talk about it either. When we were first friends decades ago, we both drank a lot. Now she doesn't at all and I simply don't have leisure time to do it in or I might.

[Standard-Fare]

OK, so I made this situation worse...

 

I was about to go out of town for a while and decided I should reestablish SOME kind of connection with Sheila before that.

 

I texted her inviting to a local arts festival (where there's no drinking). Sent her a link about it two days before. No response. The night before, I got mutual friend of ours on board (who also wants to see/support Sheila). That friend texted Sheila – no response. Fine, well, me and the friend went to the festival ourselves.

 

But the very next day, on social media, Sheila posted a picture of herself at the same festival. Either she went the same day as us or a day later.

 

That riled me up and I felt it was high time for a talk. I called, and of course she didn't pick up but I left a message saying something like: "I think we should talk in person. I miss you and I want to make sure everything is cool. I was thinking of dropping by... let me know if that works." I waited around for a bit, but no response.

 

The situation is driving me nuts. I acknowledge I've been in her face too much, but I'm also upset that she can't take 30 seconds to give me some brief communication. She's obviously deliberately avoiding me and I don't know why. And I'm not sure I have to give her a free pass just because she just went through rehab.

 

I ended up deleting Sheila's number from my phone so I don't make the same mistake again. It feels like I'm dealing with an ex or something!

[d0nnivain]

Her recovery support team told her to cut ties with everybody from her old drinking life.

 

Just back off for now. Give her at least a year of sobriety.

 

Reach out next Labor Day or maybe even next Christmas 2015 but not before.

[Standard-Fare]

Her recovery support team told her to cut ties with everybody from her old drinking life.

 

Just back off for now. Give her at least a year of sobriety.

 

Reach out next Labor Day or maybe even next Christmas 2015 but not before.

 

Wow, OK, is it really that extreme?

 

As I mentioned before, with Sheila every single person from her past is part of "her old drinking life." She drank with everyone, all the time. I can't imagine she's going to cut ties with EVERYONE.

 

Also, is there really no consideration for not hurting/alienating others? Is it recommended to just drop off relationships cold turkey with no compassion or explanation?

[d0nnivain]

Of course there should be consideration for others but her world is so upside down right now that blinking & breathing are tough for her. Cut her a lot of slack.

 

And yes, she is going to cut ties with everyone. It's the only way for her to stay sober.

[2sunny]

It seems you are handing her a LOT of your power.

 

 

Send her positive thoughts and energy.

 

She wishes not to communicate with you right now - respect that!

 

By continuing to dwell on this you are disrespecting her and what's BEST for HER!

 

Leave her alone - she has a LOT of crap to sift through and she's obviously not ready yet to address anything with you. Don't take it personally, she's making effort to stay sober and to change who she is so she doesn't drink/use again. Her LIFE depends on it!

 

Do you still drink and use now?

[preraph]

Yes, it is true they are told to cut ties, so respect that. She's not wanting contact right now, so just leave her alone. Maybe someday she'll be strong enough to check in.

[SYLLPalmer]

OK, so I made this situation worse...

 

I was about to go out of town for a while and decided I should reestablish SOME kind of connection with Sheila before that.

 

I texted her inviting to a local arts festival (where there's no drinking). Sent her a link about it two days before. No response. The night before, I got mutual friend of ours on board (who also wants to see/support Sheila). That friend texted Sheila – no response. Fine, well, me and the friend went to the festival ourselves.

 

But the very next day, on social media, Sheila posted a picture of herself at the same festival. Either she went the same day as us or a day later.

 

That riled me up and I felt it was high time for a talk. I called, and of course she didn't pick up but I left a message saying something like: "I think we should talk in person. I miss you and I want to make sure everything is cool. I was thinking of dropping by... let me know if that works." I waited around for a bit, but no response.

 

The situation is driving me nuts. I acknowledge I've been in her face too much, but I'm also upset that she can't take 30 seconds to give me some brief communication. She's obviously deliberately avoiding me and I don't know why. And I'm not sure I have to give her a free pass just because she just went through rehab.

 

I ended up deleting Sheila's number from my phone so I don't make the same mistake again. It feels like I'm dealing with an ex or something!

 

I am in recovery. 12+ years. I still mourn the people I left behind. My social circle evolved into practically a dot. It's complicated. Not everyone fits in to AA. I choose this dot because it is the place that I fit now.

 

I had a lovely friend reach out and offer support around 90 days. I listened to his message with great joy and tears. I never returned his call. The reasons for this too are very complex.

 

For a very long time the life behind me was bittersweet. Reuniting with a person who knew, loved, enjoyed and cherished the mess that I was was uniquely seductive and poisonous. By the time I gained the strength to reconnect I then believed, for me, there was really nothing left to say. The idea of engaging in the exchange of superficial pleasantries seemed vacuous. Ultimately there was no comfortable and productive place for me to pick up with them from where I left off.

 

Today I see the value in everyday pleasantries. I look for my friends but I cannot find them. I always adored them and I hope not a one felt your betrayal and abandonment. I tell you this in hopes that you find peace in understanding. My choice was not a happy one. It allowed me to tolerate where I was and needed to stay.

[Standard-Fare]

OK, I guess I didn't realize that seeing a friend go to rehab essentially = losing that friend. That's tough for me to swallow.

 

Yeah, if she was a meth head and our friendship revolved around that drug, I'd get it.

 

But Sheila and I would have beers together. And the reason I'd do that routinely was to fit into her lifestyle – that's simply the way she socialized with everyone. I have other relationships that don't involve drinking at all and I am more than happy to take that route with Sheila.

 

And I don't know if I fully accept the logic that she can't be in touch at all. All it would take for me to feel better about this would be a simple text that says something like: "Hey, thanks for reaching out. I'm going through a lot of sh*t right now, but I hope we can be in touch at a later date."

 

Not providing that when I have made several heartfelt efforts to reach out seems just selfish and callous to me. But I have no choice but to let this drop.

[Standard-Fare]

And @SYLLPalmer, I just read your post and I appreciate your perspective.

 

Still, it's really sad to me if that has to be the solution. It seems like it would be so much healthier to work on developing new types of relationships with loved ones, rather than discarding them. (Assuming the relationship was not one that entirely centered around/triggered the addiction.)

 

There's a lot I don't know and don't understand about recovery, I guess. But right now I just feel really bummed out about this.

[2sunny]

The fact that you will not let this go is concerning for her.

 

You are trying to control it and are angry with her that she isn't responding to YOUR liking. That says it all = you don't have HER best interest in mind.

 

Since it's all about you and how you feel = you are not a good source if friendship right now.

 

Maybe in a year it few... But not now.

 

Move forward and make new friends.

 

HER program is about CHANGE... Which may never include you moving forward.

[Standard-Fare]

@2sunny, I respect what you're saying but take it a little easier on me. I'm not trying to be a selfish d*ck, I'm really just trying to understand.

 

I was happy to learn that Sheila was going into rehab. I knew the end result would be a happier, healthier person. And of course I knew the recovery period would extend long beyond rehab itself, and would be difficult.

 

I've reached out because I genuinely want to support her. I don't want her to feel like I'm "scared off" by this process of recovery and healing. I also don't want her to think our friendship isn't worth a damn if alcohol's not involved. I could be a good source of sober activities.

 

But if the best way to support her is withdrawing completely, I guess I'll have to accept that. But I don't think it's "wrong" for me to feel sad about losing a friend.

[d0nnivain]

You get to feel sad. That's OK. It's also better than you let out those self-centered feelings here. (Don't take that as a crack because it's not meant that way. Your feelings are invalid)

 

The point which I think you are starting to recognize is that she is weak & upside down right now. She doesn't have the ability to resume friendships or even offer social niceties.

 

I have posted on here before about a dear friend who desperately needs rehab. One of the things her brother said to me is that if she ever gets sober, our life long (40 year) friendship is going to suffer because I'm one of the people she associates with drinking. Her brother has been sober for 20 years. I asked him lots of Qs & said, like you think, I don't have to drink around her; I just want to continue to be her friend & to help. He explained that the memory will be there for her & I'll be a trigger so she will have to stay away from me until she gets stronger. I still want her to get sober but the idea that part of the costs will be our friendship saddens me. Nevertheless, I hope I will have the strength & compassion to do what's best for her, even if I get hurt in the process. [please remind me of those words, if her sobriety comes to fruition]

[2sunny]

@2sunny, I respect what you're saying but take it a little easier on me. I'm not trying to be a selfish d*ck, I'm really just trying to understand.

 

I was happy to learn that Sheila was going into rehab. I knew the end result would be a happier, healthier person. And of course I knew the recovery period would extend long beyond rehab itself, and would be difficult.

 

I've reached out because I genuinely want to support her. I don't want her to feel like I'm "scared off" by this process of recovery and healing. I also don't want her to think our friendship isn't worth a damn if alcohol's not involved. I could be a good source of sober activities.

 

But if the best way to support her is withdrawing completely, I guess I'll have to accept that. But I don't think it's "wrong" for me to feel sad about losing a friend.

 

Please understand that if she's doing things right you will never recognize "that old friend" anymore.

 

She's gone. Hopefully the new version of her "old self" is completely different.

 

Controlling people are one of my biggest triggers to drink - yes, I've been sober more than six years.

 

She will reach out when the time seems right for her.

 

Rushing it could be detrimental for her.

[SYLLPalmer]

And @SYLLPalmer, I just read your post and I appreciate your perspective.

 

Still, it's really sad to me if that has to be the solution. It seems like it would be so much healthier to work on developing new types of relationships with loved ones, rather than discarding them. (Assuming the relationship was not one that entirely centered around/triggered the addiction.)

 

There's a lot I don't know and don't understand about recovery, I guess. But right now I just feel really bummed out about this.

 

Alcoholism oozes. You are suffering the symptoms of her disease. You must really love her to spend all this time with us here. My best friend of 28 years spent many of those drinking with me. I never had to remove her from my life because she walked away until I hit bottom then swooped in, scooped me up and took me to rehab.

 

There are no absolutes just recommendations for individuals based on risk statistics determined from the entire cohort of abstinent alcoholics. You will encounter many opinions surrounding what is best for her but the truth is only she knows provided she remains honest with herself. I was predicted to be the most likely to relapse first by the group at the inpatient spin dry. I was told I had to give up my career lest I relapse. I was told if I ever stopped going to meetings I would drink. None of those predictions came to fruition for me but I have my whole life ahead of me.

 

My point is not to contradict what we have told you here. As I aforposted I have come to a point of isolation in my own recovery. I don't want that for anybody. Don't write her off. Give her space and do not pressure her. Remember she knows what is best for her.

 

Based on the statistics of the whole her chances of maintaining abstinence are slim. Her brain is hardwired to abuse alcohol. The fact that she is trying means she was pretty desperate. You may not know the depths of where her drinking brought her.

 

Lastly the singular reason for cutting people off thereby minimizing risk is this: we (abstinent alcoholics) have plenty of drunks left in us but likely no more recoveries.

[Standard-Fare]

I hear what all of you are saying and for the most part I respect it.

 

But I admit there's this other side of me that is just sick to death of the never-ending selfishness of addicts. Their problems, their chaos, their roads to recovery are just so much more dramatic and important than the struggles the rest of us go through, right?

 

So much so that they're allowed to just blatantly ignore/disregard people who love them and are trying to support them?

 

I can try my best to understand but I think part of me is always going to be like "F*ck this."

[SYLLPalmer]

I hear what all of you are saying and for the most part I respect it.

 

But I admit there's this other side of me that is just sick to death of the never-ending selfishness of addicts. Their problems, their chaos, their roads to recovery are just so much more dramatic and important than the struggles the rest of us go through, right?

 

So much so that they're allowed to just blatantly ignore/disregard people who love them and are trying to support them?

 

I can try my best to understand but I think part of me is always going to be like "F*ck this."

 

It is that the consequences of their problems that can be detrimental to society and self. They are more likely to inflict chaos on the world around them if they continue to drink.

 

You are pissed. Maybe you need her too much. We do have a saying in recovery that says when you are pointing at someone there are three fingers pointing back at you. What is your incentive to self reflect? I consider myself lucky that I was forced to work on correcting my maladies lest I drink again. I am happy for it and hence I need not drink. We all abuse things like security blankets. Alcoholism is just sloppy and outward. You maybe no more healthy than she.