Why hasn't he kissed me?

[sportsnut89]

Hello everyone,

 

I write to you today in hopes of maybe finding some clarity, or good old fashioned advice. Apparently, I have completely forgotten how to date, or date a gentleman, that is, HA!

 

On with the story...

 

I met a man last month, online, to both of our surprise, we enjoy each others company immensely. I am recently out of a relationship, and he, out of a long term relationship. Having done something together the last 3 weekends, we have plans this week, and have already scheduled plans for a week and a half from now. I have met his father, I have been to his parents' beautiful home, we have shared nothing but laughs, good conversation, and great times.

 

When together, we talk about any and everything, whatever pops up in our minds. We talked about the mundane details, or aggravating happenings at work(we both deal with similar issues, so we have a big understanding of one another's frustration at work). He is always suggesting we go and do something when he finds out I haven't done said thing before. Each time spent together ends with a hug I hope to lead to a kiss. He has complimented me on looking nice, will occasionally call me just to talk for a bit, opens the door for me, you name it, he does it.

 

This last time we went out, I remember feeling even more chemistry, and it heightened again when we hugged goodbye, had our eyes locked on one another after we hugged, said goodbye, wished each other a safe drive home and turned around to walk in opposite directions.

 

He is very kind to me, very respectful, always a pleasure to talk with and spend time with. He has been nothing but a gentleman, which is rather refreshing. Though, I can't quite put my finger on why he hasn't kissed me yet. I usually have no issue with the confidence in making the first move if I need to, but with him, well, it is different. I get crazy stomach butterflies, I am smiling ear to ear, but I just get beyond nervous around him, especially when we say goodbye, because I know I want to kiss him, I try to make the goodbye or hug linger in hopes he will kiss me, but it just hasn't happened!

 

We haven't really had a moment where we were alone at the end of the night, except one night, when he walked me to my door, but that was early on. All other times have been in public places. Is he nervous? Scared? Waiting for the right time? Simply not interested? We are both at a time in our life where we wanted to see what was out there(after our previous, long term/serious relationships had ended), and we stumbled across each other. I do remember him mentioning having talked with/spending time with his ex for a couple months before officially beginning to date. But I just can't wrap my head around this all. If you had to ask me, I would say there is definitely a connection there. We have both made it apparent that we have much in common, and really enjoy when we get together, and there is no sense in rushing into a relationship(since we both have had serious relationships end recently), I am enjoying our time as we are spending it, day by day. But....why no kiss???

 

So.....what's the deal?! Any takes, anyone?

 

Signed,

Stumped Sportsnut

Edited August 11, 2014 by sportsnut89

[Philosoraptor]

So um, why don't you lead the way? Pucker up and see what happens. At the very least you won't be stumped anymore.

 

He could be just as stumped as you.

[BluEyeL]

I don't have an answer for you, because I'm in the exact same situation, but I'm curious what others will say. In fact, the last 2 men I've dated for periods of time between 2 and 3 months were the same. They did not kiss me. Now I've been dating someone else for a little over a month, 6 dates and it didn't happen.

[Philosoraptor]

I don't have an answer for you, because I'm in the exact same situation, but I'm curious what others will say. In fact, the last 2 men I've dated for periods of time between 2 and 3 months were the same. They did not kiss me. Now I've been dating someone else for a little over a month, 6 dates and it didn't happen.

Why can't you kiss them? Do you enjoy the time wasted in not knowing if it's going to lead somewhere?

 

Waiting for someone else to determine your path, when you clearly have some control here as well, is nothing but wasting your time. If you want a kiss then go for it. Either way you get an answer. Things progress or you have what you need to let go and move on. No more wasted time waiting.

[sportsnut89]

As I stated in my original post, I have never had an issue with taking initiative before, but this time, I get beyond flustered. Sometimes it just happens, and the fear of rejection pops in your head and you back out. I have attempted to do so, to "go in for the kill," if you will. It isn't always so simple.

 

Hence my asking for a different approach..

[BluEyeL]

Why can't you kiss them? Do you enjoy the time wasted in not knowing if it's going to lead somewhere?

 

Waiting for someone else to determine your path, when you clearly have some control here as well, is nothing but wasting your time. If you want a kiss then go for it. Either way you get an answer. Things progress or you have what you need to let go and move on. No more wasted time waiting.

Don't want to hijack OP's thread. She seems to be OK with making the first step. I just never kissed a man first, the thought terrifies me. But very good point about the time wasted.

 

I think, OP, you should make the first step. Gather the courage and do it. Some men are just more shy and don't want to be perceived as interested just in one thing. Other men are just not sexual. Others are not interested in you that way. It's better that we find out which one it is.

 

The previous two ones who didn't kiss me, I talked to them about this. One said I intimidated the crap out of him. He kissed me at the last date, but I dumped him right after for unrelated reasons.

 

The next one said he held off physical contact on purpose because he thinks sex clouds judgement and he wants to make a choice based on true compatibility. He actually said that in his online profile, that he is removing the romantic aspect from his dating strategy. I also let him go because his way of doing things was really making me uncomfortable.

 

The current one, I didn't ask him about it, but he mentioned multiple times how nervous he is when driving to the dates with me. First date he looked like a deer in the headlights, and he even mentioned at the 6th date how nervous he was driving to me. I guess for some it's sort of performance anxiety. If it bothers you, and you are more brave than me, I think making the first move is the way to go.

 

I might just kiss mine next weekend, but I'll do the cheek first to signal that it's time.

[sportsnut89]

All great things, and that makes perfect sense. You are correct, I have never had an issue with taking the reigns in the past, but like I said, it is different with him. I clam up, get nervous, scared, I still remain calm and collected on the outside, but inside, I am screaming, "KISS ME, DAMMIT!" while metaphorically sweating, lol, if that makes any sense whatsoever!

 

I actually thought about giving him a very quick, short and sweet, kiss on the cheek last time we departed, but I didnt.

 

I can't stress enough that this is completely unlike me to get so flustered by someone, I have never had such a fear of inducing awkwardness, and/or rejection. I also don't want to rush something that could be going well as it is. I have rushed into things in the past, and they have never ended well, obviously. And with us both being fresh out of serious relationships, feel I need to be careful.

 

Am I making sense at all? I feel like I am all over the place....

Edited August 11, 2014 by sportsnut89

[Mrin]

This is a great post. I can only share my experiences as a dude who has been caught in this so hopefully this might help.

 

I normally don't go in for a kiss on a first OLD date. If it is a non-OLD date then it is no big deal and usually happens. But a first OLD date is the first time we've seen each other and unless sparks are totally flying, it seems ungentlemanly to go in for a kiss.

 

That being said, kisses are normally on the agenda for date 2. But, I can think of one lady I dated where it just didn't happen and I got completely caught up in this kiss limbo thingy. Seriously, I don't think I kissed her until like date 6 or 7. The limbo thing totally sucked. I'm pretty confident when it comes to dating so this normally isn't an issue. It wasn't that I didn't want to kiss her, I just didn't want to ruin the moment we kept finding ourselves in. Looking back, it was a combination of:

 

1. Always being in a public place. Movie theater, restaurant, museum, etc... It never seemed appropriate

2. Not being "kiss ready". Coffee breath, garlic breath...

3. I queue off of physical touch and I am also very cognizant not to make a lady feel uncomfortable. So I look for an arm touch from her or a brush of a calf... I wasn't picking that up from her

4. When I did finally kiss her we just laughed at how stupid we were. She was going to through exact same thing you are - "maybe he just wants to be friends", "maybe he doesn't find me attractive"...

 

So it is cyclical in nature. If I were you, I'd just break the cycle yourself. First, put yourself in a situation that is kiss conducive. Go to a park or have a picnic. Then tell him you want to see something and that he needs to close his eyes. Then go ahead and gently kiss him for a few seconds and when he has a surprised look on his face, say "yup, that's what I thought. I liked that!" Then be prepared to be kissed, a LOT.

 

But you gotta do it next date. Don't let this situation persist.

Edited August 11, 2014 by Mrin

[sportsnut89]

I highly appreciate the male perspective on this issue, and am very thankful you have been able to give firsthand advice!

 

It has just never been in me to steal a kiss, unless I am sure that I have a green light! The last two times we have been together, I have been trying to make physical contact with him(other than our hugs goodbye). The first time while telling him a story, and illustrating something that required me to touch his arm. The second being while we were out, he was smirking, telling me a story, and being a brat(in the playful manner), we were sitting side by side, so along with my response, I nudged my leg against him, very lightly shoving him, he laughed at my response.

 

Am I reading things incorrectly? I will do my best to initiate a kiss, though I am not sure I have it in me. Just the thought of attempting a kiss on the cheek makes me nervous! That, and, he is quite a bit taller than me, although he does lean down to hug.

[BluEyeL]

I think maybe you should just continue with the touching, maybe a kiss on the cheek. I am also worried about trying to rush things and not letting people come into their feelings in their own time, like you said.

[Mrin]

Ok I'm going to go a different direction here. I'm beginning to think that we humans (me included) are totally wrong on romance and love. Think about what we say when it comes to playing a sport - "give it your 110% and then some more", "leave everything you have out on the field". Or our professions, "take chances", "give it your all", "lean in, way way way in". But when it comes to love? We say the direct opposite. "Go slow", "protect your heart", "don't rush things".

 

But what's actually more important in life? Sports? Our jobs? Or love? I'll take love hands down any day. So why do we waffle so much on how to pursue it? Christ, we sound like a bunch of nervous nellies. With everything else in life that is important we advocate grabbing the bull by the horns and just going for it.

 

Perhaps it is as Neruda said, "loving is so short, forgetting is long". But that being said, that's not a sufficient reason in my opinion. Sure, rejection hurts. It stings. Failed relationships suck. No doubt. But what's worse - the quick sting of heartbreak or the long dull ache of absence of that love we are all looking for? I know for me I'll take a quick sting any day over a long dull ache.

 

So I say go out there and hold nothing back. Kiss him. If it results in rejection, gulp, breathe deeply and move on. At least you know.

[BluEyeL]

I just really don't think he'll reject her. It looks like he likes her. But if she's too nervous she's too nervous. I'd say you can kiss him if you have the balls to do so, but if not, just kiss him on the cheek and do a lot of touching before that. Maybe that will do it.

[slizl]

Go to a bar, have a couple of drinks, and everything will work itself out.

[sportsnut89]

slizl: He isn't much of a drinker, lol. So that is out of the question, sorry.

 

Yes, I do sound like a nervous nelly, I am 25 years old, with plenty of dating experience behind me, confident in my skin/appearance, job, school, etc. I'll be damned that this is the first time a man has me stumped.

[sportsnut89]

Go to a bar, have a couple of drinks, and everything will work itself out.

 

I just really don't think he'll reject her. It looks like he likes her. But if she's too nervous she's too nervous. I'd say you can kiss him if you have the balls to do so, but if not, just kiss him on the cheek and do a lot of touching before that. Maybe that will do it.

 

My girlfriend happens to think the same. In fact, she has met him, and witnessed how the two of us interact with one another. From an outsider's POV, she claims it is rather apparent there is a connection, and he may just be nervous after the last situation, and/or is an extreme gentleman....

 

Sidenote:

I'm even being careful how much I say on here, as the nerves have me thinking he might stumble across this lol

[preraph]

I hope he's not gay and you're now his cover to hide he's gay. You need to ask some about his relationships and find out if he's had relationships with women and how they went and was the breakup bad. Maybe he's being cautious because he doesn't want to move fast, but letting you meet the parents belies that, although you didn't say if they were home or not. But just going there is something. I think you better keep your lips to yourself right now, on one hand because I think, What if it's a test and he hates modern women or something. But then I think, Well, if he's like that and you're not, then you may as well show him who you are. I just think eventually, he'll declare whatever his intentions are since he's been pretty conventional and that's part of convention.

[sportsnut89]

I hope he's not gay and you're now his cover to hide he's gay. You need to ask some about his relationships and find out if he's had relationships with women and how they went and was the breakup bad. Maybe he's being cautious because he doesn't want to move fast, but letting you meet the parents belies that, although you didn't say if they were home or not. But just going there is something. I think you better keep your lips to yourself right now, on one hand because I think, What if it's a test and he hates modern women or something. But then I think, Well, if he's like that and you're not, then you may as well show him who you are. I just think eventually, he'll declare whatever his intentions are since he's been pretty conventional and that's part of convention.

 

I have met his father already. The time we stopped by his parent’s house, they were not home, which he was not expecting, bc he invited me in to meet his mother/dogs, along with seeing his dad again. His last relationship was 5 or so years, they were actually engaged(as was my last relationship, we were both engaged for 2-3 years), our partners both having left us, and now with other people. And yes, him with women.

[PerfectStorm]

You said you're both out of long term relationships and that "you" forgot how to date. I think maybe he has too and may feel a lot of the same anxiety you do since he is still pursuing you in dating fashion.

 

If I liked the guy I would take the reins & go in for the kiss myself before I put him completely in the friendzone.

[preraph]

Look, all I can tell you is a friend of mine married a guy she met online. She went to stay with him for a week in the other town. He never put the moves on her. So she put them on him. Well, years later, turns out he's a real effing mess sexually and every other way. OCD, social anxiety, and just a jerk a lot of the time who won't show her affection. So unless he does change and soon and becomes an ardent guy, don't think he'll get better after marriage or after sex.

[OwMyEyeball]

Go for it. It's a kiss, not a marriage proposal.

 

You have absolutely no way of knowing why he's reluctant, but here's a compilation of possible reasons:

 

1. He's gay

2. He's shy/nervous

3. He isn't over his past relationship / feels guilt

4. He's a gentleman (whatever that means)

5. He's not affectionate

6. He's very methodical and is waiting for precisely the end of the 6th date before moving in

7. He's getting mixed signals

8. He can't read signals

9. He's asexual

10. He's got a cold that he's been hiding and doesn't want to give it to you

11. He fears rejection

 

Ultimately, the why doesn't matter because there's no getting into his head.

 

You can either ask, go for it yourself or kick the signals up a notch. More touching, caressing and sustained eye contact.

[marigo]

Id say to just go for it. If you want something not as forward, try holding his hand first, maybe he just needs a signal from you to know that you are okay with him kissing you.

 

With the guy im dating now, we didnt even hold hands until our 7th date (a month into dating). I held his hand first and he didnt push it away (a little bit of encouragement came from the alcohol as we were drinking that night but i wasnt drunk). Finally as we were playing pool, we hugged and I leaned in for a kiss. And now, the kiss and hand holding just comes in naturally for us. We're dating for 3 months now.

 

So if I were you i think it's worth taking a risk. I really think he's just being very respectful and probably just like you "forgot" how to date since he's been in a long term relationship.

[sportsnut89]

Thank you for all of the input, everyone. I appreciate all angles that have been taken, here.

 

And quite honestly, it didn't even occur to me that when I said that I had forgotten how to date, that that may be the case for him as well. It is amazing how we fall into this pattern, “routine,” if you will, when we are with someone for an extended period of time. And when all is said and done, and over, and we put ourselves into the dating world again, how much we forget.

 

I hadn't even considered such. And like I said, when I mention interest in trying, doing or seeing something new, his response always, "Let's do it!" or, "We should do that!" So, interest is there, I'm sure. My good friend and her boyfriend could even notice a connection between us when we were out with them..

Edited August 12, 2014 by sportsnut89