Being Kicked Out of the Family

[Bidelia]

Well, this seems to be a really uncommon problem. But I figured I'd try posting here to see whatresponses I get.

 

 

Back in 2007, my dad announced he had this plan to kick me and my sister out of the family in 2018 (which happens to be the year he retires). He pointed out how desperately he wanted us to just get out of his life. I wasn't sure what to think about that. He often has a habit of being very passive, indecisive and never follows through on things. Naturally, I thought he would change his mind. Probably it was just a joke. The truth is, he hasn't abandoned the idea.

 

 

To make a long story short, Dad is sick of living with us. He's mentioned for the past few years that he has absolutely no interest in kids. He's extremely tired of having us around. This stress has driven him to the point of near-suicidal status. I can't tell anybody how often he informs us not to have any more kids. My mom suffers several severe mental disorders. Needless to say, he basically got married and produced two kids on a whim. Dad has always been the black sheep in his own fam. Actually, everyone else still talks to and sees their parents, even after moving out and marrying.

 

 

I talked to some people I know IRL about it. They are probably the worst pick to ask, since their parents desperately pressured them to get married and have kids of their own. Plus they have a better relationship with their families then I do. Generally the response seemed something like: "Wow, sorry but that's not good. I'm not surprised you don't want to have kids of your own." Most parents do keep their kids around so they can see them and/or their grandkids. But I have other reasons for staying CF. I've thought of them even before Dad announced such an odd idea.

 

 

Also, I think I remember reading about one lady whose parents did the same thing to her on another forum. She still got married, moved to a smaller town and produced two kids. Unfortunately, her kids are curious as to why they don’t have grandparents. Posters just told her that there’s always gonna be substitutes like neighbors. I went to a salon where the lady working there just shrugged off the remarks and reactions. She pointed out, “No, a lot of people say that. I’m sure you’ll be just fine. And yeah, that’s kind of why. But you’ll always have other people around you. What if the kids find out the truth?” That’s not really what I’m worried about. He’s basically hurting my chances of getting married. It seems everybody else still wants kids.

 

 

My ex even cried about it when I told him saying that's not how families are. He wasn't the only one. They've never been normal and if this offers my dad some peace then so be it. And like I mentioned before, this is problematic since he and his sibs want kids. But we can’t really get married since I’m not interested in popping out any. My family isn't the type to pressure us.

 

 

He has mentioned he regrets having us but knows he can't do anything at this point. I did meet two people in college whose parents also told them the same thing. Except even they still speak with and see their parents.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what other people would think of this? Has anyone experienced or known anyone who experienced something similar?

Edited August 12, 2014 by Bidelia

[bathtub-row]

I think your father should be strapped to a tree and beaten.

 

But that's just me.

 

I'm sorry but I'm really having a lot of trouble making sense of your story. It's kind of all over the place. I'm trying to figure out your age. Also, it seems that you're married but, if you are, I can't figure out why you're living with your parents. What country do you live in? Is it normal where you live for young married couples to live with their parents? Can you give us a little background on these things?

[2sunny]

How old are you?

 

I'm assuming older if Dad is retiring...

[Bidelia]

I think your father should be strapped to a tree and beaten.

 

But that's just me.

 

I'm sorry but I'm really having a lot of trouble making sense of your story. It's kind of all over the place. I'm trying to figure out your age. Also, it seems that you're married but, if you are, I can't figure out why you're living with your parents. What country do you live in? Is it normal where you live for young married couples to live with their parents? Can you give us a little background on these things?

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm actually sort of sick, and I've been told I speak extremely fast. Is there anything specifically that concerns you?

 

 

I'm not sure why my age matters so much, but our fam is a bit odd. They allow us to keep living at home even after the expected ages of 18 or 20, or whatever. I even had cousins who didn't move out until they married. That was well into their thirties, so there you go.

 

 

Currently, I am in my early twenties. I happen to be the youngest child in my family (though I have several second cousins). I figured that was quite obvious since I mentioned college in my OP. I live in the US, in California. It's pretty normal for people we know. The cost of living is very steep in LA and NYC. I met some other kids at school who moved out, but they're not as common as they are elsewhere.

[Bidelia]

How old are you?

 

I'm assuming older if Dad is retiring...

 

 

See my previous post to the other user. Dad was already 37 when I was born. Though my mother is four years younger.

 

 

Our parents are from Asia, and grew up in a rather conservative family. This is very common over there, most kids live with their parents 'til marriage. (Though the woman at the salon is also from Asia, if it helps any. She moved out in high school, though. Really depends on the fam.) I still live with mine because I recently finished college. I'm trying to leave the nest ATM. With financial issues, has not happened yet. Same with the other kid in the fam. It took us longer than expected to find work.

Edited August 12, 2014 by Bidelia

[Zeurich]

I wish I cold say something but honestly I don't understand your question. you are originally from Asia and lives in California LA. And you in the college at the moment or not?

In western world it is not that unusual kids start live alone since they are 18 so why you don't go to the government doll or something and start live alone.?

[Bidelia]

I wish I cold say something but honestly I don't understand your question. you are originally from Asia and lives in California LA. And you in the college at the moment or not?

In western world it is not that unusual kids start live alone since they are 18 so why you don't go to the government doll or something and start live alone.?

 

I'm not from Asia. I was born and raised in California. Like I said before, I recently graduated college.

 

 

I know that much. Do you have any specific programs in mind? I did try to ask my counselor in college about such assistance. It seems I don't qualify since I've never worked, and I don't have any kids. Keep in mind that the amount they issue usually takes a very long time to process with the high number of applicants. Even then, it's not significant enough to live on.

[Blade96]

I and our parents basically got kicked out of my brother's life and family. And it's for stupid reasons like I wasnt a baby person (still not) and they said my mom was too cuddly with their baby daughter and too smothering. Oh. well. Not gonna bother to waste my energy dwelling on them. They'll have to deal with it when Marie starts asking why she has no aunt or grandparents.

[Bidelia]

I and our parents basically got kicked out of my brother's life and family. And it's for stupid reasons like I wasnt a baby person (still not) and they said my mom was too cuddly with their baby daughter and too smothering. Oh. well. Not gonna bother to waste my energy dwelling on them. They'll have to deal with it when Marie starts asking why she has no aunt or grandparents.

 

Glad to hear someone else had this problem. I saw it as a red flag, honestly. Very complicated, but what am I supposed to do in the future? Just not have kids? And even then people will ask about my family. I'm not sure how my parents will handle funeral arrangements. but it is what it is.

[CC12]

It seems as though your father has given you plenty of warning that he expects you to be out of his house in 2018 when he retires. If he wants you completely out of his life at that time, that's a bit unusual, but it's not at all unusual for a parent to want their adult child out of their house at a certain point.

 

You now have four years to get your life in a place where you can live on your own and support yourself. You're fortunate that your parents supported you through college. With that accomplishment, you should be able to get a job in your chosen field. Is there any reason you can't support yourself?

 

I figured that was quite obvious since I mentioned college in my OP.

 

Would you mind not doing this? People were asking for clarification in order to give you better advice for your specific situation. There's no need to cop an attitude with them. For the record, your OP was very confusing and left its readers with some questions. For example, I'm wondering how your father's decision is hurting your chances of getting married and what any of this has to do with your decision to remain childfree.

[Bidelia]

It seems as though your father has given you plenty of warning that he expects you to be out of his house in 2018 when he retires. If he wants you completely out of his life at that time, that's a bit unusual, but it's not at all unusual for a parent to want their adult child out of their house at a certain point.

 

You now have four years to get your life in a place where you can live on your own and support yourself. You're fortunate that your parents supported you through college. With that accomplishment, you should be able to get a job in your chosen field. Is there any reason you can't support yourself?

 

Would you mind not doing this? People were asking for clarification in order to give you better advice for your specific situation. There's no need to cop an attitude with them. For the record, your OP was very confusing and left its readers with some questions. For example, I'm wondering how your father's decision is hurting your chances of getting married and what any of this has to do with your decision to remain childfree.

 

I do not think I would have trouble supporting myself. I am grateful for the degree.

 

You seem to be missing the point. It certainly is not unusual to have moved out at our ages or even earlier. It is unusual for him to kick us out of the house, our own family and definitely he and Ma's lives. That was the point of my post. This is clearly stated in the subject line, and I emphasized that in future paragraphs. As I said, most people do want to have kids. He warned us not to because of his terrible experiences. One thing leads to another. A lot of men won't marry me unless I have kids. My ex was one.

[Blade96]

Glad to hear someone else had this problem. I saw it as a red flag, honestly. Very complicated, but what am I supposed to do in the future? Just not have kids? And even then people will ask about my family. I'm not sure how my parents will handle funeral arrangements. but it is what it is.

 

No you don't just "not have kids" because someone else in the family is a jerk. You are YOU, not them. Your kids will be their own people, neither you nor them. And genes do not define you. You define you. I'm a childfree, but that has nothing to do with Brother. I knew from a very young age I didn't like babies and toddlers and just didn't want them.

 

Same thing happened with my dad - his family disowned him. I did ask why we never saw dad's side of them family. When I got old enough - he told me the whole story. And - I was fine with it. Especially because he was right and they were wrong - because they supported theirsociopath sibling who tried to destroy his own mother, my grandmother. Dad fought the sociopath, and won, but all his family disowned him. Sociopaths are VERY good at that. getting people on their side. I call him Uncle Scar, after the evil uncle in the Lion King, lol. well, he's my evil uncle.

 

But I didn't turn out like him. And dad told me the whole story, and I understood and supported him. And I bet your kids will support you too when they are old enough to hear your sad story.

[Bidelia]

The very responses I am getting indicate that people also don't fully understand the situation because they haven't experienced one like it. That's how the woman at the salon was too, she kept saying that there are many advantages to having kids. My dad has nothing to do with it. But I've never actually received a bunch of vague, disguised "questions" like I have here. Happens in every thread I've ever come across. Not just me. BTW you coming in to my posts just to say goodbye? Reported.

 

 

This site isn't made up of professionals or anything, just opinions. So yeah... I did speak to a psychologist and she didn't react the way I thought at all. Unlike everyone else, she just muttered: "No, I think it's a good idea. He's telling us that he's simply had ENOUGH. Set goals and get out of there, you already know how it works."

 

No you don't just "not have kids" because someone else in the family is a jerk. You are YOU, not them. Your kids will be their own people, neither you nor them. And genes do not define you. You define you. I'm a childfree, but that has nothing to do with Brother. I knew from a very young age I didn't like babies and toddlers and just didn't want them.

 

Same thing happened with my dad - his family disowned him. I did ask why we never saw dad's side of them family. When I got old enough - he told me the whole story. And - I was fine with it. Especially because he was right and they were wrong - because they supported their sociopath sibling who tried to destroy his own mother, my grandmother. Dad fought the sociopath, and won, but all his family disowned him. Sociopaths are VERY good at that. getting people on their side. I call him Uncle Scar, after the evil uncle in the Lion King, lol. well, he's my evil uncle.

 

But I didn't turn out like him. And dad told me the whole story, and I understood and supported him. And I bet your kids will support you too when they are old enough to hear your sad story.

 

 

It seems like you're the only one who gets it. I met people whose parents were that way as well. They are missing one side of the family because their parents threw them out. And yet their kids still got married and had a kid or two.

 

Then what happened to your Brother? Did your brother get married and have kids of his own?

Edited August 12, 2014 by Bidelia

[Blade96]

The very responses I am getting indicate that people also don't fully understand the situation because they haven't experienced one like it. That's how the woman at the salon was too, she kept saying that there are many advantages to having kids. My dad has nothing to do with it. But I've never actually received a bunch of vague, disguised "questions" like I have here. Happens in every thread I've ever come across. Not just me. BTW you coming in to my posts just to say goodbye? Reported.

 

 

This site isn't made up of professionals or anything, just opinions. So yeah... I did speak to a psychologist and she didn't react the way I thought at all. Unlike everyone else, she just muttered: "No, I think it's a good idea. He's telling us that he's simply had ENOUGH. Set goals and get out of there, you already know how it works."

 

 

 

 

It seems like you're the only one who gets it. I met people whose parents were that way as well. They are missing one side of the family because their parents threw them out. And yet their kids still got married and had a kid or two.

 

Then what happened to your Brother? Did your brother get married and have kids of his own?

 

He has one daughter (she's 5). Lives with her and his gf (her mother) He disowned us me andhis parents when she was 11 months. Simply because I moved away from the baby (never was comfortable around them) and my mom was deemed too cuddly and suffocating with her.

 

I just don't worry about them. He's the one who will have to deal with it when my niece starts asking questions about why she only sees her mom's side of the family.

 

listen, with my dad's uncle doing it, then my uncle, now my brother, I know I didn't make a very good case that genes don't define you here but again. I did not become like them. I did not become them. My parents know I have more empathy and understanding in one little finger than they do in their entire bodies. And you know you are not your father, right?

 

I say leaving your house would be good for you actually, you can make a new life, away from these toxic relatives. I'm away from my brother and making my own life. And if you do decide to have kids, you can tell them the whole story when they're old enough to understand. I asked questions, but I was not damaged because I only had mom's side of the family. That was all I ever knew, and that was normal to me. And when dad told me the whole story, I was fine with it. He was right to not stay in contact and to not have me in contact, and I still support him on this.

[pink_sugar]

Your dad sounds like a douche, but you're plenty old enough to be able to move out on your own at least with roommates, especially by 2018. I think it's a more than reasonable time frame. Do you really want to be living with someone like that long term anyways?

[bathtub-row]

A few thoughts here. First of all, your dad's opinion about having kids is just an opinion. Is it really that important to you what he thinks about that? He has a really crappy attitude. It doesn't mean you have to agree with him about it, or let it affect your life in any way.

 

If this were me and my dad acted like he didn't want me in his home then I'd do what you're doing and try to get out as soon as possible. I personally think it's ridiculous for a child to be living at home once they reach adulthood and are out of college. I get why you're currently there but I don't understand someone being with their parents into their 30's. This may be where your dad's stress level is coming from. I don't think it's about disowning you, he just wants his space.

 

You probably won't agree with me on this one but my thoughts about living in California is that it's not a great place to live unless you're rich. It is crazy expensive to live there. If I were you, I'd find a more cost friendly place to live and start a new life there. Then your dad won't have anything to complain about.

[TXGuy]

I do not think that your dad is being unreasonable for expecting his adult children to leave the house and strike out on their own. It sounds like you and some older siblings are still living with your parents and expect to remain there indefinitely, despite your fathers encouragement to leave. He gave you over a decade of notice (2007 to 2018) to get your life on track. You still have four more years, yet you think he is being unreasonable?

 

I think you and your siblings would have a much better relationship with your family if you got a job and moved out on your own.

 

I don't think your dad is being unreasonable. If anything, he has been too permissive by letting you be dependent on him after you reached adulthood.

 

I'm sure that after his kids leave the house, he will be happy (or willing) to visit any future grandchildren. But, he understandably does not want to increase the stress in the household.

[2sunny]

See my previous post to the other user. Dad was already 37 when I was born. Though my mother is four years younger.

 

 

Our parents are from Asia, and grew up in a rather conservative family. This is very common over there, most kids live with their parents 'til marriage. (Though the woman at the salon is also from Asia, if it helps any. She moved out in high school, though. Really depends on the fam.) I still live with mine because I recently finished college. I'm trying to leave the nest ATM. With financial issues, has not happened yet. Same with the other kid in the fam. It took us longer than expected to find work.

 

See - a simple question and you don't answer.

 

A REAL answer gives the NUMBER that represents how old you are.

 

What you did was create more confusion with all your other info. Then you became snippy with folks pointing out you have an entitled attitude.

 

 

 

Let's try it again - how old are you?

 

Maybe your Dad wants the attitude out of his home...?