Hit Like a Ton of Bricks -Wife Doesn't love me

[whichwayisup]

Keep it light, and I agree with JM, let her take the lead.

 

Maybe go through the paper today and see what new movies are playing...Discuss what you would like to see, then maybe a convo will flow into some good funny movies you've seen and some laughs can come out of it. I think right now if some humour is thrown in there, that will definately help alot.

 

One thing that she has mentioned and that I know has been a source of trouble for her is that she feels she's lost her identity since becoming a stay-at-home mom.

 

What are her main interests? Could she do some sort of freelance work afew days a week, or even volunteer somewhere while the kids are at school?

 

I hope tonight goes well for you both.

 

PS...tell her she looks beautiful.

[sysyphus]

Just kinda try to follow her lead.

 

You know, this brings up an interesting point. My wife mentioned recently that she had felt stifled in the marriage. She wasn't clear about exactly how (this will be attended to eventually), but maybe it's partly b/c I tend to take the lead in many things. Now it's not that I'm bossy, but that left to her own devices, she seems hesitant to start much of anything. She has never been much of the iniative taker, so when I see things stagnating (conversation, planing, whatever), I jump in with an idea and she would follow. I wonder how I can encourage her to take the initiative without leading her to it? These days, she's so glum and tired that I'm not certain that she's even in the mood to take the lead.

 

I'll give it a try and see what comes of it.

[sysyphus]

We went out last night and I have to say it was a lot of fun -nothing heavy and we just had a good time together. We sort of made an accidentally good choice of restaurants -a Japanese Teppan place so there was a high fun factor with an amusing teppan chef and a few other couples seated at the same table. We had some really delicious sashimi to start things off and had a small bottle of premium saki to keep us company. We laughed, talked about noting in particular and were just happy for a change of pace. We really enjoyed the place and each other's company (for my part anyway). Went over to Starbuck's for coffee and dessert after where we talked some more. Mostly about her job-search efforts and talked over how much her job had meant to her in the past. A good talk.

 

On the drive home she was talking about one of her EQ friends (who I have met in RL -a sweet lady) that she has come to rely on for support lately. She mentioned that she and her husband had been through some rough times, nearly divorcing but had made it work and that she found that comforting -not a big "Honey, I want to make this work" moment, but I 'm glad to see that she has an example that she sees as positive (as opposed to another friend of hers who met her 2nd husband on-line and now has a perfect marriage....). I hope this friend will give her some inspiration and strength and encouragement as we try to work things out. In general, she seems less depressed and tired lately. I'm not going to go paranoid on myself and assume she's been in touch with the OM and just assume instead that between time (it's been about 2 weeks since the NC was formalized) and maybe talking with her friend that she is beginning to feel a bit more normal.

 

I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I'm being overly optimistic and am not seeing the situation realistically. She hasn't come right out and said anything directly that she had turned any corners or changed her mind about anything, but as I 've said the attitude and the talk of the future etc., etc. has been encouraging. Once I feel that the NC is really working, maybe I'll try to broach the subject if she doesn'do it herself.

 

I'll be at home this entire week so so long as I don't make her crazy, maybe there is a good opportunity here to see her through the rest of the withdrawal and hopefully demonstrate that we can be good together. Wish me luck.

[whichwayisup]

Hey Sys, you don't need luck because you have a really positive attitude going right now. AND the fact lastnight went really well is just an added bonus. You have good reason to feel good...So does your wife. I think it is great that she seems less down and less tired.

 

With the nicer weather coming hopefully you both will be out and about alot more.

 

Have a great rest of your weekend!

[Owl]

Originally posted by sysyphus

 

On the drive home she was talking about one of her EQ friends (who I have met in RL -a sweet lady) that she has come to rely on for support lately. She mentioned that she and her husband had been through some rough times, nearly divorcing but had made it work and that she found that comforting -not a big "Honey, I want to make this work" moment, but I 'm glad to see that she has an example that she sees as positive (as opposed to another friend of hers who met her 2nd husband on-line and now has a perfect marriage....). I hope this friend will give her some inspiration and strength and encouragement as we try to work things out.

 

 

Sys-

 

I'll bet ya dollars to donuts what her friend's "problem" was in her marriage!!! Darn near EVERY gaming couple I know who have had "problems" in their marriage found themselves in the same boat you and I are in...

 

When/if things get to a point where you can ask her about that, do so. I'll bet she didn't bother to ask...because she knows it's the same thing. There is another couple my wife and I know online that are currently seperated due to the same thing...and my wife suspected at the time it could be something similar, because she'd seen the wife hanging out in game with an OM, and had seen some evidence that she was lying to her husband about that time...turned out to be the EXACT same thing my wife was doing at the exact same time!!!

 

This is WAY to common friend.

 

It sounds like you all are making some great positive steps...just remember it's still a rollercoaster...both of you are gonna be going up and down for a while. Hang in there!

[sysyphus]

...just remember it's still a rollercoaster...both of you are gonna be going up and down for a while.

 

Tell me about it. You know, I had a rough night last night out of the blue. With things seeming to go well as far as having some laughs, having a great night out, talking about the future, etc. I've come to find that I'm afraid to be happy. Right now I can't bear the thought of having everything fall out beneath my feet again. She isn't telling me anything as far as how she's feeling about the relationship and I'm not asking, so I have no right to assume that things are going as well as I'd like to believe they are. The last time I asked I got the whole "I don't love you, I love him, we're done...." thing and I really don't care to hear that again. I guess I'm waiting for some sign from her that there has been a change -it seems like there has been, but without her saying anything, I can't say for sure and the uncertainty kills me. So I can either ask her and risk devastation, or wait until she can tell me something under her own steam. She couldn't tell me when anything was wrong, so I'm not certain she knows how to tell me anything anymore. Besides that, I know for her part, she does not want to give me any false hope so I 'm sure she woulldn't say a word unless she was dead certain hwo she felt about things and that is simply going to take time.

 

Although I didn't exactly melt down on her last night, I was quite obviously upset. Rather than ignore it, she asked if I was OK, and I told that I was feeling down, coulnd't really explain it. On the positive side, she seemed genuinely concerned for my condition and empathized saying "we're both having good days and bad...." . There is still a tenderness between us ,particularly at the end of the day just as we head off to sleep, but then it's back to business as usual for most of the rest of the day and that is both confusing and frustrating for me.

 

I'm still telling myself it's early in the game and that I need to be more patient with her and myself. It's just that I really miss her if you know what I mean. I miss the woman who was so caring and sharing, so easy to love and so generous with that love. I hadn't noticed what had been missing and now I really miss it especially when I see her express affection towards others -even my own kids - I don't resent it, but I see what I'm missing and I am dying inside waiting for it to come back (if it ever does).

 

Blah

 

Thanks for the warning owl, thought things were on an upswing but I guess for every action....

[Owl]

Well, I didn't mean to provide a prophetic post. Just remember...it's a rollercoaster. So the one thing you can count on when your in a slump is that it WILL go uphill at some point! LOL

[jmargel]

Nope.. don't ask her any of those questions yet. What you can say is "Anytime you want to talk about anything I am here to listen", then leave it at that. At least she knows she can come to you. Right now her head is still screwed up. It'll take awhile for the clouds to lift and for her to see straight. Don't presume anything. Good or bad. Give her time to let her come to you.

[sysyphus]

We had our MC session last night. It went pretty well. I really like the MC if for no other reason than he's a real cheeerleader for our marriage. Me makes some very concrete, rational arguments for staying together and for makingthe effort to make things work. He's very encouraging in terms of saying that this is hard work but that it's worth it and that this marriage is salvageable. I always come away from a session feeling better when he gives us the encouragment talk. I think my wife respects his line of thinking as well -she's a realist and his down-to -earth logic appeals to her ASFACT.

 

He has encouraged us to start trying to talk to each other and communicate. We both told him that we are still walking on eggshells b/c of the past blow-ups but for my part, I told her I feel that if we are careful, I feel ready to broach most subjects when she is ready. She said that right now her main issue is sadness (over the OM situation) and that is something she can't come to me with. On the other hand she did say that having cut off contact, she feels that we can both focus n the problems in the marriage. It may sound small, but to me this is a pretty major breakthrough. I told her that my focus has more or less switched to fixing the marriage instead of fixating on the OM. She seemed glad to hear that, but although I told her I was anxious to really get to work on "us", she expressed that she still feels she has some issues to work out. I assume that she still nedds to really get over the OM more before I can expect her to be ready to really roll up her sleeves. She described us as essentially being neutral right now (which I suppose is better than in decline). For now I'll take neutral, but I'm still working the situation trying my best to support her and demonstrate that I am here for her and am patiently waiting.

 

We're heading out to see family for the weekend. My wife is worried b/c she says that any little stress seems to put her over the top emotinally so I hope we can avoid anything too major. No one knows what's been going on, so my plan is just act as normal as possible and I don't think there will be a problem. We've planned a few diversions while we're visiting so it's not like we're going to be stuck under a microscope or anything like that. Regardless,I made it clear to my wife that if things start getting hard for her that she can tell me and I will run whatever interfereance I can for her.

[Owl]

Sys-

 

It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can at the moment. You're still in the phase where she's dealing with the withdrawl from the OM (that takes weeks to get over the worst...sometimes longer), and she's probably feeling like anything she accepts from you is a betrayel of how she felt for him. That was my scenario for a while here at least.

 

Watch out for the "just friends" requests that I'm sure will be coming your way. If she's anything like a lot of the people I know who've gone through things like this, then that's going to be one of the next steps. She's going to be looking for ways to keep him in her life...and that is a common ploy. And here's the fun part...she's going to believe it herself. That they can and should keep in contact "just as friends". Of course, you already know better, and so does your counselor. If she sticks out the three months of NC, it's a good bet that you'll avoid this phase.

 

Your suggestions on how to deal with the family are pretty good too. It's what they would call part of "plan A" over on MB. It's a way of showing her that you love her still, and care for her emotional needs. Again, the problem that you're dealing with at the moment is that she doesn't feel like she CAN accept you meeting her needs...because she feels that if she does, it's a betrayal of the OM, and it also truly does show her that her affair was totally unjustified. Because you ARE capable of meeting her needs...you couldn't before because either you didn't know them, she didn't let you, or other outside things often prevented you from doing so. And now you've re-prioritized to make meeting her needs happen.

 

The bottom line is this...it sounds to me like you're doing great. Hang in there, keep up what you're doing, and my money says that you're going to make it through this. Take care friend.

[sysyphus]

Made it back from the weekend with the family. Have to say for the most part it went fine. My wife seemed to do great, no sign of overwhelming stress, but it would have been hard for her to tell me much under the circumstances. If anything, I was the one with the issues. In the presence of my family I was really sensitive to what I knew was missing, but that they certainly didn't notice. I also had a moment while we were out on a daytrip where I was suddenly gripped by the distance between us and got really bummed. Now that the OM paranoia has mostly subsided (at least in the sense of it being all consuming), I find myself fixating on the distance between us. It's a very intense, palpable feeling for me and it hurts like hell. I can only describe it as really noticing that she doesn't have that connection to me. It's a feeling I can only describe as unrequited love -but it's between two people that are married and that I only recently noticed. I think either I was really blissfully unaware in the past, or she did a magnificent job of hiding it, or it is really only now in evidence because of where we are at now with it all in the open. No matter -it sucks.

 

We still have the occasional close moment, but they are rare and far between. When they happen, I don't even dare call attention to them for fear of bursting the bubble. Sadly, they seem to occur more at moments of pity and concern than at moments of happiness.We do seem to be getting along very well, but I'm sure that until she's really past the OM thing, we're not going to have much chance of making any profound progress. So I sit and wait and take what I can.

 

she's probably feeling like anything she accepts from you is a betrayal of how she felt for him

Owl, that has got to be one of the hardest things to understand. I'm sure it could well be the case, but from where I'm standing seems really weird. I would have thought it worked the other way first. I need to remind myself of where I stand with her and where the OM stands (of hopefully stood). Giving it time.

[Owl]

Sys-

 

That feeling of distance was there for me for a good while. All I could do in my case was to do the best I could at the time to keep from making things worse with huge blowouts, and at the same time accept the love she WAS able to show.

 

In our case, we got involved in a major household project almost immediately after she didn't leave. We knew that if we were going to seperate, we'd have to sort through all of our stuff, to include the stuff we had in the basement storage area (quite a lot of junk, actually). So we spent three weeks or so rearranging the house so that we were seperated in house (combined the den and living room, moved me into what was the den, moved the kids all around so that the wife ended up with her own room as well), sorted through all of our accumulated junk of 17 years of marriage, and started helping her look for an apartment and job.

 

Looking back, those projects were a good thing. We had to work together, but it didn't force us to be in each other's face the whole time. And the in-house seperation really drove home to her what the eventual consequences of a seperatation/divorce decision would mean for her. I was darned unhappy most of that time, for most of the same reasons you're feeling that way now friend. But in the end, knowing that I WAS willing to do my part in things was a large part of what helped her see what she loved about me all along.

 

Perhaps you two should start working on something along these lines if you think it would help? Just a thought. You might think of something like this that you've both been putting off for a long time, like painting a room or something. Where you have to work together, but you don't have to be in each other's faces talking all the time.

 

As far as the "betraying the OM" thing...

 

It doesn't make sense, I'll grant you that. But remember, the whole affair thing really doesn't make any logical sense either. One of the things I really tried to do throughout the whole thing was to start seeing things from HER perspective. It was hard, because it didn't always paint me in a positive light, even when I'd done nothing wrong. But it DID help me to understand her viewpoint better, and it also helped me to come up with some logical arguments when we DID start working through things....she wasn't open to them at first, but after a while, once the withdrawl started to fade, and her brain started doing it's job instead of just letting her feelings run the show, it helped a lot.

 

Good job on dealing with the family thing, friend. Hang in there...I really do hope things get better for you both!

[sysyphus]

Perhaps you two should start working on something along these lines if you think it would help? Just a thought. You might think of something like this that you've both been putting off for a long time, like painting a room or something. Where you have to work together, but you don't have to be in each other's faces talking all the time.

 

Funny you should say that b/c we are doing a fair amount of that as well. We just painted our oldest daughter's bedroom (and plan to paint our bedroom as well -as Freudian as that can seem), we've been planning our spring gardening and we also do costuming (ren faire stuff) together and are gearing up for the season. So we have a real plateful of projects to do -then again we always have. I can't help but keep thinking that the whole OM thing started up to the best of my knowledge as I was getting really caught up with a project at work and as the winter approached meaning we were out of projects. No way do I think that that had anything to do with our problems, but maybe if we were a bit more engaged with each other in that time, things might have gone differently.

 

That brings me around to the real irony of the situation (which has more than it's fair share of irony to begin with) in that had the affair continued without my knowledge, we would never have gotten this chance to fix our broken marriage. So in so many ways, the affair forced us to get into counseling despite the fact that it also made things far worse than they would have been had one of us said something to the other. Knowing us, we needed something this big to force us into getting help. A hard lesson, and maybe a lesson learned too late , but one I'm glad to have learned anyway.

[Owl]

Yeah, that irony hit us too. We've decided that what happened as a 'big wake up call' for all of us, her included. It's kind of hard to accept that the affair was actually a catalyst for some really awesome changes in our marriage. The sad truth is, something was bound to happen with as bad as things had gotten in the last year or so. Looking back, it seems like a lot of things conspired against us to hit us all at one time, and this was just the icing on the cake, so to speak.

 

And something to think about...I think its cool that you're re-painting your bedroom. We have completely redone ours as well. It was a project we started on over the summer when we were really getting back together, and did a lot around our anniversary as well. It's a great 'fresh start' in that department.

 

I've got to chuckle at how much you and I seem to have in common, Sys. Ren fair? Need armour? LOL....one my personal odd hobbies is making chainmail armour and jewelry, and my whole family dresses out for our local fair as well. If you're interested in bartering for some armour, send me a PM!

[Tameson]

Sysyphus, I really feel for you. There is nothing worse for love to fade away. I have such a problem with my girlfriend whereby she doesn't respect my interests, and needless to say she is full of "white-lies" (lies meant not to hurt my feelings).

 

What if you go online and talk to your wife, but without her knowing it is you. Maybe your wife is the type that likes paper and words more than touch. Nowadays, many people think of fantasy worlds and thanks to MSN/ICQ... it is possible.

 

Your wife will without doubt, one day, feel shame for what she is doing. You have children together, your wife should spend time with them, not getting exited from electrons boucing up and down her computer screen.

 

My advice is to you to give all , if not most of your attention only to your children. Maybe your wife will see what she is missing out and come to her senses. If she doesn't, then at least you will be close to your children. Remember my friend, GOD trusted you to raise up your children, so don't let Him down and don't let your children down.

 

Your gift is to be a good father, don't destroy that. (From what I've read you seem to make a great father).

 

 

That other guy is a "loser", sorry to say. Your wife must have told him her situation about the family and kids. WHAT MAN WOULD GET IN THE WAY OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAMILY? Answer me that? Listen, it takes two to tango. If that man is playing around with your family, he isn't doing it alone. Your wife is the other element which makes it possible for him to destroy you, her and your children.

 

Think about your children. When they grow up, will they pull the same stunt their mother did on their spouse? With all due respect, Children GO FIRST and you must not let your children be raised up with such a bad example.

[Owl]

Tame-

 

Believe it or not, his wife already does know what she 'should do'. But the problem is, she felt like there was something so wrong in her life that she ignored that. She already does feel bad about what's happened...that's why they can't talk right now. She's got to get over her feelings for the OM, and at the same time she's processiing her own guilt for what she did.

 

No, Sys should NOT go online and pose as someone else to his wife. It was being dishonest, and behaving in an inappopriate manner that GOT them to this point. His doing that would only justify in her eyes what she did, and it would just add a ton of other issues to the already full plate of things to deal with.

 

As far as the OM...I agree, he's scum. But he's not the source of the problem...the issues in their marriage, and his wife's responses to them are the source of the problem. He's doing the right thing for not giving the OM further thought...there's no point to it.

 

And about 'raising your children with such a bad example'...I'm not sure what you mean here friend, but if you're trying to say his wife is an evil or bad person for what she's done, you're wrong. She made a mistake...a horrible, painful, terrible mistake. She did something knowingly wrong and hurtful, and she knows that. If she acted like it was something totally acceptable, and had absolutely planned on doing it again, then yes, he should leave. But at this point, it makes sense to work on their marriage. Yes, the children are a priority, and yes, they absolutely need to be taken care of in the course of this. BUT...she's not a monster, and there is no reason at this point why she shouldn't be allowed to be part of the children's lives.

 

Take a look at my thread when you get the chance, Tame. It might be an interesting read for you, and give some more insight into what both I went through, and what Sys is dealing with now.

[Tameson]

You're right. When somene looks at what they did and puts the effort to FIX it and refrain from it -then it makes them a wise person for they learn from their mistakes.

 

 

What I was trying to say is that if she fails to acknowledge truely and put a bar on the Online Affair, then she would be a monster.

 

I've been around so many people who refuse to think they are wrong that I think everyone is a monster now. I believe this is a problem since obvious not everyone is a monster.

 

Perhaops I should do what Jesus said. "Why do you critizise that twig in your friends eye when there is a tree in your eye?"

 

I think I'm the monster here.

[sysyphus]

WHAT MAN WOULD GET IN THE WAY OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S FAMILY? Answer me that?

 

I feel that way as well. Believe me, I have no respect for the OM. I can understand his being attracted to my wife -she's a wonderful, beautiful, loving, facinating, intriguing person, but a decent person doesn't get involved with a married person- especially when there are children involved. Period, dot, the end. In my bachelor days, I had several married or practically married women try to get something going with me and I simply refused. No matter how desirable or compatible I found them, I just refused to get involved with someone in a committed relationship. Maybe I have old fashioned ideas about honor and all that crap, but that's how I feel. Now I have to turn that same lens on my wife and find a way to forgive her -which I do. My grand rationalization is that this other guy took advantage (consciously or not) of a woman in distress and allowed something to happen that he had more capacity to stop than she. That's a whole other area that I will need to come to terms with eventually, but right now, I'm just trying to get us back together.

[Tameson]

I give you two tumbs up, and two toes up lol (ok that last part didn't make sense, but you get the idea ).

 

One way I look at it is that your situation is give you an excellent opportunity to become stronger inside, despite all the pain and distress this has caused you. But again, children go first so don't forget that please.

[Owl]

Sys-

 

I know how you feel man, and that is EXACTLY how I feel about the OM at this point. He knew she was unhappy and that there was something going on...HE had an obligation as my friend if nothing else to walk away and to tell me about it. He did neither. He did try to play devil's advocate with her about it just prior to my discovering what was going on, but I honestly think that he also did that to strengthen how she felt about him more than anything else. He was no dummy, and knew very well how to manipulate the whole situation to get what he wanted.

 

My wife does now accept responsibility for her part in things too. Looking back, she says she can't understand why she acted the way she did, that it makes not one bit of sense to her now. But she does acknowledge that it was HER choice to carry her part on in this too, and he choice to to deceive me about it. I know that she feels guilty as heck whenever the subject comes up, and she starts thinking about it.

 

At any rate, hang in there friend!

[sysyphus]

Tuesday again folks and we all know what that means -PARANOIA. I've got to learn to live with Tuesdays somehow. I get the weirdest vibes from every little thing my wife says and does. Somehow, regardless of how hard I try to fight it, I get this awful suspicion that she's in touch with the OM on Tuesdays (his day off). The rest of the week I'm good, but I just get nuts on Tuesdays. Last time , I simply asked her how the NC was doing and she told me it was all good. Guess I'll try the same tonight -it seems to help to clear the air. I hate sounding like an interrogator, but the way I look at it, I risk a lot more by not minding the store than I do in risking an upset. This time I think I'll share my Tuesday Paranoia issue with her just so she understands better. With luck she'll want to do more to help me with that -she seems to be pretty understanding of my issues lately.

 

Last night we had an a power outage so we sat alone in the dark for a while talking. Inevitably the conversation turned to how we were doing. Over all I think we did pretty well. There were certainly some tears, but nothing out of control. I'm not sure how to interpret her comment of "I'm trying to stay positive" just yet, but we'll see. I know that she still isn't ready to really get to work on us yet -think she needs more time for the OM issue to be resolved. She's still so sad over the OM thing and I can't do much than offer whatever support I can bring myself to and that she can accept. A hard thing. All I've been able to do is try to tell her that we won't be sad forever. We sat in silence for a while after that, not knowing where to go with it. She took my hand and it seemed something was about to be said and wham! On come the lights! The moment was lost I'm afraid....

 

 

Thanks for listening -helps me a lot just to dump this stuff here.

[whichwayisup]

She took my hand and it seemed something was about to be said and wham! On come the lights! The moment was lost I'm afraid....

 

But she reached for your hand Sys, that's a really good thing. Sorry 'bout the lights coming back on. Sucks with the timing...

[sysyphus]

So although I didn't exactly chicken out, I decided to let the paranoia issue slide last night. My wife was not in a great mood and I didn't want to push. Besides, in the past, had she been in contact with the OM, she would typically be bouncy and energetic -not the case last night. In a completely unprovoked way the issues that set me off came up and everything seemed on the up and up. I choose to chill out over it but will monitor the situation .

 

On another front (Owl you'll appreciate this), my wife saw her doctor today and got info on anti-depressants. I'm encouraging her to look into it and to go that route. She said she would read up on them and decide. I'll be going to see the doc in a few weeks and will do the same. I hope she decides to try them if only short term. She has said that she was depressed throughout her pregnancy with our youngest (20 mos.) and after her birth and I assume since then and certainly now so were talking about at least 2.5 years of this. The problem is, I think she has gotten used to a certain level of depression and sees it as somewhat normal. She has said that she felt she could ride this out without chemical intervention, but frankly, I think the best she could hope for is a return to some slightly less intense depression. I almost have to wonder too if she could be afraid of feeling "better", as though that might somehow invalidate her grief over the OM and her trouble with me. Don't know, just speculating.

[iwishiknewthen]

OMG i cant believe all the feelings your posts have unearthed me. i am new here but am going to think about starting a tread of my own, though i don't know what will help me. LOL. (really thats not funny, i cry inside a lot) i hope someone can relate to my situation on another thread. lord knows i could use the guidance. anyway....

 

sys. i just want to say, please dont stop doing what youre doing. your wife needs your friendship now and i think all men can learn from how you are trying to heal this relationship. i applaud you and commend your love and insight and efforts, and strength. i feel this is your best chance for getting the love you two could possibly rekindle and come out stronger and keep things on track. i feel very strongly you are doing your part. you have to know that too.

 

i am sad and somewhat ashamed to say i have been on both sides of the fence here. i am a female who used to have a betty crocker life and was proud of that. i came from a strict roman catholic up bringing and grew up in an old-fashioned Italian neighborhood and you just didn't have affairs or leave your husbands etc., etc. i was born long b4 the computer days of aol, msn. aim, eq, wow, and daoc. ha! i didnt even know how to work a computer. no one could have been more clueless.

 

after 12 years of marriage and always being happy to just bake a cake, keep my house clean, and make my husband happy (not that i was making him happy the way i now see i could have), i got sick. i developed an inner ear problem and had horrible vertigo attacks that made me feel completely out of control. i never felt more vulnerable in my whole life. long story short, before i was properly diagnosed and before the attacks got worse and presented themselves for what they were, i acted strange because i couldnt articulate what was happening to me. so for instance i would be in a car with my husband and i would practically hide under the dashboard because the motion was making me feel out of sorts. i did feel panicky but nothing out of the ordinary for this disorder (which i didn't know i had at the time). or, i would be in a supermarket and would get sensory overload and lose my balance and get confused. and i felt like i had to leave. i would walk down the street and feel like i was about to fall. i started to stay home more, and again long story short, one day my husband and i had a bad argument and unbeknowns to me he had been talking to a doctor, who thought i was paranoid (i never met this doctor). my husband just went and visited with this guy one day for advise on his own. and he told my husband he should call a crisis center. well after this fight we had, he did call a crisis center because he was mad and blamed everything on this problem i had or on pms..etc. (we had a normal husband and wife argument just to point out) i was feeling helpless and vulnerable tho in bed, when the center came into my home because i was no match for arguing with him and when i got upset my body fluids/blood pressure raised and my inner ear would go off. so i laid there helpless when they got there (also unbeknownst to me) . after he secretly called them, they called the doctor while they were in my livingroom and i was in the bedroom (the center and doctor) thought i should go in for evaluation i swear this happened to me. it was a nightmare. (i am just trying to give you a little background on me first so bare with this story here for a sec). i tried to say i am not crazy and what are you doing but my husband was so in need of a remedy because he was the one with anxiety that they took me in for an evaluation. i was so livid with the experience to leave in an ambulance in front of my neighbors etc...but my husband did all the talking and i was too debilitated to say more than i could, in my dizzy head. i was fatigued.the motion was getting to me and to commotion too. well since i didn't have the greatest attitude when i got to the foreign (no offense there just real bad communication problems to boot) doctor who saw me in the hospital, (another stranger) i just tried to tell them as best as i could, while being upset, whith what just happened, that i was sane but so mad now at my husband who just couldn't hold me and help me get to a doctor who knew what he was doing. i was tried to speed talk because the doctor i was talking to was so distracted. he then said i had pressured speech and again long story short admitted me into the hospital for further evaulation. sighs, not physical like i needed but mental. omg this made my inner ear skyrocket. was so dizzy and helpless and was in there hands. i had to remain calm and focus so hard and be strong for a week to get out of there. but deep down i feared being left in there for years. that happens to people. and i was terrified inside. they make you take pills that interfered with my dizziness and they made the dizziness so much worse. and no one was listening. i was so angry with my husband! OK .....i finally got out of there and was terrified of doctors and my husband. my only friend was my daughter and and my best friend because i basically ddint interact too much in my new neighborbood and was busy being a mom and good housewife most of the time. BTW he pulled all this stuff when she wasn't home and was in school, that day. he had always been a pretty decent man before this but he did have a dark side when he couldn't handle something. bad breaking points. my vestibular problem continued to go undiagnosed because i feared going to any doctors after that until a special neuroent really got a handle on what it was and documented it. i finally sort more physical help when i got stronger from the post traumatic stress they all put me through and i am proud to say did this all on my own. however..................

while i was bedridden with this vestibular disorder, (i had intermitent vertigo attacks, like seisures) my best friend (who also helped get me out of that hospital i was in for a week) came over and pushed my daughters PC over to me and asked have you heard l..online etc. i was clueless. then she showed me i could talk to people "live" over the internet. woot. i was amazed. and i wasnt afraid because they couldn't see me all laid up and judge me. i met one friend who led me to a support group in health and there was the beginning of a whole new life for me. i got to talk to lots of people who had the same disorder and some had the same horror story as me. well 2 did. i was shocked. other husbands/wives delved deeper and believed in and supported their wives through their sickness. he did too put boy oh boy to get him past that mental part was a nightmare and can still be sometimes.

 

then one day i went into a chatroom because i was feeling depressed after all this trauma i went thru and not having a soul i could trust including therapists since the other guy took my human rights away and shut me in for a week. and ps ..i made a female friend who introduced me to a male friend she had. we hit it off really good although now i look back and see he was the biggest blessing in my life and a curse in some ways too. blessing because the happiness he gave me in making me feel like a normal person, worthy of being thought of as normal, gave me energy to learn to live with and work thru my chronic disorder. i went from being bedridden most daily to going to a wheelchair (because my muscles atrophied so much from being too darn dizzy to walk half the time) to a walker to using nothing to navigate around. the happiness i had from the faith someone had in me gave me energy i needed for physical therapy to get further and further. i learned how to ambulate in a new way and without fears because i felt i had so much to look forward to. and maybe someone to even run to. he asked me to come to him / be with him etc. honestly he made me feel like a woman again. that was the blessing part and i was able to do things with my husband and daughter as well. everything felt better except that i knew i shouldn't have been talking to him with such desire and that didn't want him out of my life. the curse was, he knew i was vulnerable and wanted me to leave my marriage and go with him and was pretty pushy about. i really wasn't ready and i was just trying to adjust to being back in the world as an upright (a person standing straight up) person again. of course my husbands attitude had changed by then, he knew what disorder i had...but still had some question marks in his mind which completely irked me. and made me fearful of life repeating itself all over again. but he was thrilled with my progress, so he didn't care who i was talking to (AS A FRIEND) as long as i was "normal" again. could get around in my dizzy head.

 

the fear i had of ever having a fight again with my husband was so overwhelming to me, because in the back of my mind i felt he would try to put me away again. how could i trust him. i couldnt. now this was a part of my past too. i was so angry at him. and i never had a blemish and this was so humiliating to me and i felt tainted somehow. now even though this wasn't his real intention and things snowballed, i couldnt see why he didnt fight for me and allowed it to get that far. he wasnt speaking in my behalf like he knew the person i was all these years. he was just angry and wanted his betty crocker back. that one act however unitentional did something so grave to us. my senses. i was afraid of doctors and him is all i can say. honestly i still don't fully trust him in that aspect. but i do try now.

 

in the meantime, the OM pressured me to meet him in person and i didn't want to lose this friend of mine....my rock, my hope and even my safety net. i loved him but i wanst sure how...

but i knew i didnt love my husband like a woman should after that incident. and i thought, if my husband threw me away i could go to the OM. now maybe i didn't have to be so frightened of my husband. Ps i met the OM. and although he was not what i normally felt attracted to (not that there is a usual but he was so different from what i grew up with in the old italian neighborhood). he had blond hair, pony tail, and played everquest and didn't care if he had macaroni on sunday. but he made me feel he would accpet me under any terms. and made me believe he loved me. BTW i had no idea what eq was. he even hid that he played games at first, because where he came from they were thought of (gamers) as devil worshipers. anyway..... although it was extremely awkward, and i felt like the devil myself after meeting him for real, and icried for the lost of my innocence and newfounds sins, i was always monogamous even in my dating life prior to marriage. never ever cheated. i had this new hope however false or not . but wow as i write this, i have mixed emotions for him because he knew i was vulnerable and for some reason i felt sorry for him too. he cried to me how he had no g/f and the girls he met rejected him...etc. he tugged at my heart strings.

 

once i gave myself over to him ...although and i want you guys to please know this.......i already gave 80% or more over to him mentally/emotionally before meeting him, i felt stuck in the syndrome and now had to justify what i had done and make my husband more of the bad guy. although i still have to say he really can be. and i miss the OM today so badly. please know that although you say this is fantasy and it is... its developing a real connection. its just a new form of communicating and is limited. a friend of mine told me and i want to share this with you, people believe in God and don't see him and he is VERY real to them. and some will do more for their God then what they do see. now forgive me please lord above but i am NOT likening anyone we meet online to a God. NO WAY!! but the invisible attachment and how the spirit that we come to understand even with limitations can me VERYYYYY real to us. is real. so to say it is a fantasy is true but, its real too. please rememeber that. but honestly i think it is helpful to say its a fantasy too when your wives want to get over loving that OM because that makes it easier for them to do it in the long run. to think its all real makes the pain ever worse. so in a sense, you help them not by minimizing it, but by making it seem possible to get over (like it doesnt have to be so insurmountable) and stop suffering. it makes it at least possible to believe that. but let them know you klnow the pain is real. trust me it is nothing less. they are suffering. even if we bring on our own suffering. we suffer truly.

 

it turned out that i stayed with my husband (not by choice neccessarily) and never told him about this person being more than a friend, i was too afraid of all the ramifications in doing that. i tried to give this OM a shot. boy did i ever. every time he grew tired i tried harder. i planned my whole life around him and being with him and was going to get a divorce. but because it took so long for me to get up all the nerve to do that from my disadvantage point and because i needed to trust again and to get better with my disorder, he lost patient for waiting and eventually behind my back met a girl online and is now engaged. it broke my heart to the very core and this just happened and so i am trying to heal on my own once again. i am devastated. in some ways i am more of a mess now because i cant see the hope in front of me. hes gone. i mourn the loss of him alone. in secret. the pain is awful. the withdrawals phenomenal and i look to my husband everyday who i cant tell a thing to for refuge and pray i can piece my life back together. the irony of it all. afraid of therapist even tho i know there are good ones..still not chancing it. cant talk about infidelity, cant cry to the OM . he wont even be my friend now because he's engaged, and moving on with his happy life. he pulled the rug right out from underneath me. never looked away to work on the marriage. gave up and have little desire to do the work. am even more upset now that i lost him and think..wow i stayed here for my daughter and husband and didnt want to do the wrong thing by them God or me. but now everything is wrong because i am so sad. cant talk to my hubby about this, so i am here reading posts.

 

the days my husband sees me cry and i tell him i lost some great friends on aol, he has been trying to be comforting. and you have no clue how much i appreciate it. there are wails inside of me from the pain of losing the person i loved and still love for so long. i have mixed feelings though about how i was treated by being pushed into the relationship in the beginning and being pushed away in the end. just be your wife's best friend as much as humanly possible. she needs to give back too though. we never know what we had till we lose it. i am, still not completely sure about what i have, or what i can live with anymore. all i can say is sys. its good you guys found out now before you were any more knee deep with emotions. b4 they met.

be strong. pray a lot if you believe in a higher power. as doctor Phil says, don't beat yourselves up and see where you are contributing to a relationship and where you are contaminating it. personally i see you as the contributor now : ) good luck. God bless.

[sysyphus]

Thanks for the view from the other side. I can understand how this sort of thing can happen. I know my wife was unhappy with me and our marriage now and was without many friends. Doesn't make me feel a lot better, but I do need to see that it happened for reasons other than a deliberate attempt to be hurtful. I do see it as a dreadful mistake and the culmination of a lot of other mistakes we made in handling our marriage now. That helps a lot in dealing with this. The fact that my wife very early on expressed deep regret over ever letting this happen helped a lot too. Doesn't erase the trespass, nor does it negate the emotions and the tangled web of loyalties and attachments, but it means a lot to know that despite all the uncertainty I have about where things are going,that she isn't proud of what happened an that she isn't seeing the affair as a completely good thing.

 

As for you, I really think talking to a counsellor would do you a world of good in resolving all the issues you have. It seems like you are carrying an immense burden and I really feel for you. I hope you can get some help with this.

 

On other fronts, my wife decided to get on anti-depressants. This makes me really happy. She was looking at them as an uneccesary crutch until a friend told her "if your leg was broken you'd use a crutch!". As I looked over the literature her doctor gave her I came to the rather obvious conclusion that I need them too. It may well be that the root of so much of her unhappiness in the marriage is my own untreated depression. Several times over the last few years she has suggested that I seek help, but I was resistant. Had I known how much my problems were hurting her, I would have done something then, but I really thought it was just my problem and that I would handle it on my own. Stupid me! So I'll be seeking some help as well. Amazing how you can tell yourself that a problem is temporary or manageable and yet it goes on and on. I feel really stupid for not seeing it.

 

I really hope that if we can get the help we need to lift this cloud off of ourselves that we can really make some positive progress in the marriage as well. I'm praying that it's not too late and that all the hurt can be repaired and that we can find love with each other again. Oddly enough, as much of a pessimist as I tend to be, for some unreasonable reason, I have this intuitive sense that this is going to work out. I might be wrong, but I can't shake this feeling. I realize that there will be a lot of up and down and a lot of awfulness and obstacles to overcome , but in the end I have this odd sense that success lies at the end. Hope I'm right. Either way, it's that intuition that keeps me going. Now if only I can get my wife on that same track...