Wondering what is going through her mind

[Miketastic]

Hi guys, I'm sorry for my bad English but I hope it's readable

 

My ex broke up with me in march and we've talked most of the time untill 8-9 days ago. She broke up with me because she felt like we were more like brother and sister then lovers, I was shocked and devastated. I've begged and pleaded in the beginning, I showed her my weakness by engaging contact most of the time and by breaking NC. I felt like I had a pretty good chance at getting back together with her when we broke up in March because she still told me how she loved me and how she "knew for sure" how we'd get back together some day. I feel like I have ruined everything by begging, pleading and arguing with her. In our last conversation I could feel how she was curious and jealous about stuff I did with other girls although when I asked if she wanted to meet she said it would be to early and I responded with: "Too early? the only reason why it would be to early is if you aren't over me yet and since you made out with another guy I thought it was pretty clear you were over me". She did not take that well (btw i made out with another girl too and she knows it). End of the day I told her I could not do this anymore and I wanted NC, she said: "Why we are having a normal conversation?". I told her that it is not working for me and that I won't text her anymore and that she must not text me anymore. She responded a bit irritated, maybe because I've already done this a hundred times but this time I was determined.

 

At the moment my NC is going fine, I don't look on her facebook (wich i have deleted her, her family and friends from). I somewhere have the feeling that this isn't over yet because we were very close, she was my first real love and I was hers, we were best friends and could talk about anything.

 

I know chances we will get back together are minimum, I wasn't even worth a second chance so that says it all I suppose, no matter how hard I try I think the only way I can forget about her is by meeting another great girl that can take her place (I know it sounds wrong but I really feel this way).

Edited August 6, 2014 by Miketastic

[zen2475]

Meeting another girl truly won't make you forget her. You still feel attached to her and that there is hope because you have not truly accepted the break up and continuing to talk to her has only made this worse.

 

 

I would suggest staying in NC and allowing yourself to fully grieve and get over this relationship. These things take time, and eventually you will see why this relationship didn't really work out and what is truly best for you.

 

 

You deserve to have someone where the spark is mutual and your love grows with time. That doesn't seem to have been happening with her. It will take time and self reflection to figure out why. From getting those answers, you can move on to a better relationship.

[Miketastic]

I think you're right, it wouldn't be fair for that girl if I would look at it like that.

[Miketastic]

So i've been thinking about this alot lately and even though it has not happened to me yet it's likely for me to happen in a few weeks and I would have no idea how I should deal with it. Should you just ignore them? Or just be nice to them?

 

A little background info: me and my ex had a great relationship most of the time and only the last few months were a bit different, she was my first love and I was hers, we were eachothers best friend but she felt like she had to break up because she felt more like a brother sister relationship and she told me that "the butterflies are gone". Well since I already talked about this with multiple friends of me that have been in a relationship for a long time I think it's just her feelings getting used to the relationship but who am I to judge her decission. She told me that she had a feeling we would get back together someday but just not at the moment, I asked if she wanted to meet and she did not since it would just be awkward.

 

I'm almost on two weeks of NC and the last time we talked she told me that she looked at my picture on facebook just randomly and that she had doubts about contacting me. Since I know it most likely is over for us (wich I admit i'm still hoping for it to be false but i've got to face the facts) I decided to not be a b__ch for one time and accatually stick to my NC, so far so good.

 

But I'm just asking, when that moment accatually gets there, when you get a text saying: "Hi, how are you?". How do you deal with stuff like that. I've seen people say: "Don't reply unless they accatually beg for you to come back" and others say: "Just play it cool and act like everything is fine".

[PegNosePete]

Don't reply unless she actually asks you to try again.

"Hi how are you?" - ignore.

"Hey how are you? I've been thinking about us and would like to try again" - reply.

[Miketastic]

I see but wouldn't it be weird for my ex to contact me all of a sudden like: "Hey I haven't spoken to you in a while but I want to date you again?". It wouldn't be a conversation starter if you know what I mean (my english is not that good).

 

I get what you are saying but what if she says "Hi how are you?" with the intention of slowly going to that point to asking if I would like to date again, then I'm not responding and she is like: "Wow he was so nice and now he's such a d*ck". Don't get me wrong I don't care how she thinks about me, but I think the chances of something like this happening is much bigger then her saying in her first sentence: "Hey I've been thinking about us alot lately and I want back what we had".

[Strength in Healing]

Tell her you got the AIDS

[brokenheart94]

My ex of 2 years and is dating someone else has the audacity to block me n unblock me to message me whenever she feels like it. Yday it was 2 months since we talked and she said 'hope ur ok'. The convo was light but eventually she told me how she knows im angry at the way she treated me. She then goes onto say how things with her new bf isnt going well but even then she states that she has no feelings for me atleast not romantically and it just feels like a stab in the heart i guess. so what im tryna say is whenever you ex messages you she may start off light and ask you how u r then get straight to the point. i asked myself the same question of how i would respond. I thought of different approaches but at the end i just let my heart do the talking.

Edited August 7, 2014 by brokenheart94

[Miketastic]

My ex of 2 years and is dating someone else has the audacity to block me n unblock me to message me whenever she feels like it. Yday it was 2 months since we talked and she said 'hope ur ok'. The convo was light but eventually she told me how she knows im angrh at the way she treated me. She then goes onto say how things with her new bf iant going well but even then she states that she has no feelings fir ne atleast not romantically and it just feels like a stab in the heart i guess. so what im tryna say is before she messaged me i asked myself the same question of how i would respond. I thought of different approaches but at the end i just let my heart do the talking.

 

So you don't ignore her, you just respond how you feel?

[PegNosePete]

Do you want to get back with her?

[Miketastic]

Do you want to get back with her?

 

I do, although I have to be realistic and think the chances are not looking good.

[PegNosePete]

Then most likely, replying to any kind of "how are you" message will result in a world of hurt for you. Once you get to the stage where you don't want her back, then you can reply to friendly messages if you like - and who knows maybe you'll get back together. But the first stage is letting go, entirely. And you can't do that if you're chatting idly about how your day has been.

 

Seems counter-intuitive? Yes grasshopper, it is...

[Miketastic]

Then most likely, replying to any kind of "how are you" message will result in a world of hurt for you. Once you get to the stage where you don't want her back, then you can reply to friendly messages if you like - and who knows maybe you'll get back together. But the first stage is letting go, entirely. And you can't do that if you're chatting idly about how your day has been.

 

Seems counter-intuitive? Yes grasshopper, it is...

 

That is true, i've tried "just talking" to her and our conversations were just a ticking time bomb that exploded when I started getting hurt. I would flirt with her and would not get a flirt back wich irritated me.

[Mary Oak]

I think I would cross that bridge if it comes up. No use thinking about it now.

[shoegal4]

Put in your head that she's not coming back and you will never hear from her again. Don't think ahead. It's not productive. If it happens, it happens and you deal with it then.

[Chi townD]

I only tell this to folks that are getting blasted with breadcrumbs. If our Ex's can't take a hint that we aren't answering them.

 

 

Then, I usually tell them to compose a text to tell them the following, "Look, you don't want to be with me and I'll have to accept that decision. But, I have to heal from this. You may have lost all romantic feelings for me, but I haven't lost them with you yet. Therefore, I can't talk to you while I still have these feelings. It isn't fair to you or me. So, just like you want me to respect your decision to not be with me anymore. I need you to respect my decision to heal from this and that will require us not talking anymore."

 

 

Then, go dark. If they still send you breadcrumbs after that, then you don't have to feel guilty about not responding. She knows exactly why you're not responding.

[d0nnivain]

It depends.

 

What do you want to do?

 

If you are strong enough (& most people aren't) to give an EX a bit of comfort by talking to them in the immediate aftermath of a break up, that can be a kind thing to do.

 

If talking to them is going to make you miserable & make you long for them even more & set back your own healing, send a reply message that says something along the lines of "I'm trying to heal from the break up. I know it's hard on everybody but if you ever cared about me, please respect my need for distance now & stop contacting me."

[Summerrose2013]

I only tell this to folks that are getting blasted with breadcrumbs. If our Ex's can't take a hint that we aren't answering them.

 

 

Then, I usually tell them to compose a text to tell them the following, "Look, you don't want to be with me and I'll have to accept that decision. But, I have to heal from this. You may have lost all romantic feelings for me, but I haven't lost them with you yet. Therefore, I can't talk to you while I still have these feelings. It isn't fair to you or me. So, just like you want me to respect your decision to not be with me anymore. I need you to respect my decision to heal from this and that will require us not talking anymore."

 

 

Then, go dark. If they still send you breadcrumbs after that, then you don't have to feel guilty about not responding. She knows exactly why you're not responding.

 

I completely agree with this approach and its one I have successfully used and he respected it. When I feel ready to be in contact I will let him know.

And yes guess what, during NC I got over him and NEVER wanted to establish 're contact.

[Miketastic]

It depends.

 

What do you want to do?

 

If you are strong enough (& most people aren't) to give an EX a bit of comfort by talking to them in the immediate aftermath of a break up, that can be a kind thing to do.

 

If talking to them is going to make you miserable & make you long for them even more & set back your own healing, send a reply message that says something along the lines of "I'm trying to heal from the break up. I know it's hard on everybody but if you ever cared about me, please respect my need for distance now & stop contacting me."

 

 

We talked for so long after the breakup, we've called for hours, I really felt connected to her, but I guess the I was only helping her, not myself.

Don't get me wrong, she was nice to me and she respected my NC, I just did not respect it myself.

The thing is that I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost my girlfriend and my best friend, I gave up things for her wich I regret now..

After the breakup she said things like: "I feel like we will get back together some day" or "You know I still love you, something has just changed".

 

I feel like I had a good chance at getting back together after the break up but that I blew those chances by arguing, begging and pleading.

[Chi townD]

We talked for so long after the breakup, we've called for hours, I really felt connected to her, but I guess the I was only helping her, not myself.

Don't get me wrong, she was nice to me and she respected my NC, I just did not respect it myself.

The thing is that I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost my girlfriend and my best friend, I gave up things for her wich I regret now..

After the breakup she said things like: "I feel like we will get back together some day" or "You know I still love you, something has just changed".

 

I feel like I had a good chance at getting back together after the break up but that I blew those chances by arguing, begging and pleading.

 

 

 

 

Okay, so you know where you went wrong! Learn from it!

 

 

Look, I know that you loved and card for this girl. And that's okay. But, she's not the only girl on the planet.

 

 

Might be time to heal and move on.

[d0nnivain]

After the breakup she said things like: "I feel like we will get back together some day" or "You know I still love you, something has just changed".

 

I feel like I had a good chance at getting back together after the break up but that I blew those chances by arguing, begging and pleading.

 

You didn't blow it by arguing, begging & pleading. Although she was trying to be nice & let you down gently by saying those things, they were lies. the true part was that she didn't like being the cause of your pain & still has some humanitarian feelings for you but romantic love was never a future option.

 

Since her attempts to contact you at this point seem to be connected to a desire to ease your pain but end up having the opposite effect you have to clearly tell her to go away so that you can heal which you will never be able to do if she sticks around because you interpret that as hope, even though it's false hope. Don't tell her that last part about false hope but understand that it's the reality of the situation.

[Miketastic]

Okay, so you know where you went wrong! Learn from it!

 

 

Look, I know that you loved and card for this girl. And that's okay. But, she's not the only girl on the planet.

 

 

Might be time to heal and move on.

 

 

I do know what I did wrong and once I realised I immediatly stopped.

I know I need to move on but sometimes it just really gets to me, for example:

 

I asked my friend what he was up to tonight. He replied: "I'm having a double date with Paul". (another friend of me and him).

That was stuff I used to do with him, his girlfriend and my girlfriend.. those moments make it hard for me, the moments when I'm alone.

[d0nnivain]

Do the women that your buddies date know any women they can introduce you to?

[Miketastic]

Do the women that your buddies date know any women they can introduce you to?

 

Yes, and I could date them but is it fair to date other girls when I might not be ready for it? I mean I wouldn't mind myself but I don't want to give them a wrong impression you know

[d0nnivain]

No. If you are not ready to date, then it would be unfair to the new woman. Perhaps, when you contact your buddies again you could set something up that will help you get your mind off your troubles.