It took me two years to leave him

[Meretchen]

Hi and well done

I am 3 years in and despite a while back thinking it was going to be ok.

I am not exhausted, and fed up of crying

Need to end it.

It's going to be tough but you have inspired me.

Are you married yourself?

 

Sounds familiar - you are getting closer and closer to your limit, and it is a good and healthy feeling, even if it feels like the end of the world. Soon you will be able to separate yourself from your partner, it will come to this, despite all the back and forth.

 

It feels like ****, I am not going to lie. Stomach pain, head ache, feeling depressed and blue. I have drinking way too much as well, since NC started. I had a lot of fun this weekend though, and you know what - I actually smiled and had some good laughs, despite all this crap. So, life goes on.

 

I am not married, just me and a pet rabbit

 

And you, if you care to share?

[Meretchen]

Ah the first few weeks are unsettling. I know I wished I'd said more in my final NC email, but now I think I said enough.

 

It's been two months for me now. I just kept reminding myself in the beginning that even if I did feel bad, the situation I'm in now (i.e. free of him) was so much better!

 

I don't miss him any more.

 

A year and a half in I attempted to end it, but he reeled me back in so easy. I then went on for another two years. I knew I had to bring it to an end December 2013 and finally did it mid June. Proud of myself that I did the right thing in the end as I didn't want to be the one to end it - I kept pushing him to do it, but he never would.

 

I feel for you having to work with him. I didn't have that to deal with, must be hard.

 

OWAmy, so good to hear that you came this far - dammit, I want to not miss him. I am working on getting there. Working with him is a challenge, and right now I am looking and searching for job opportunities elsewhere. Oh, it is such a crappy situation to get involved with a colleague - it takes the situation to a whole new level of Days of Our Lives.

[OWAmy]

OWAmy, so good to hear that you came this far - dammit, I want to not miss him. I am working on getting there. Working with him is a challenge, and right now I am looking and searching for job opportunities elsewhere. Oh, it is such a crappy situation to get involved with a colleague - it takes the situation to a whole new level of Days of Our Lives.

 

Oh it will come 8-) I think that when you are the one to end it, it becomes easier to get over them and also too, if there has been no DD. At times I wanted a DD to happen just so it would end not of my own will. It took me ages to end it though - 6 months. The psychotherapist that I was seeing in the early part of this year totally horrified me when she said had I considered that he didn't want it to end, maybe he was very happy with things how they were.

 

Even though I have blocked him on everything he could get my contact details as I have a couple of websites. You know if he was to contact me now I would go absolutely ballistic and see that as an insult, like he had no respect for me.

 

A fresh start on the job front sounds like a good idea. That will be the final bit of you saying goodbye to him forever.

[bathtub-row]

Meretchen, your situation is very similar to mine because I work around xMM also. He's in another city but I see him in televised meetings 3 times/wk. When he's in town, we have dinner. 10 yrs ago this month is when our affair started and I only ended it a few years ago. If you don't put a true end to this now, believe me, it can go on forever. I'll never forget the day I removed xMM from my facebook page. My hands shook and I could hardly breath. When I finally pulled the plug, it felt like I had ripped my heart out.

 

I know how you're feeling and it's so hard when you're around him so much. So I hope my experience with this kind of thing is helpful to you. If you don't stay strong now, it'll just drag on for several more years. I can't tell you how many times I broke up with xMM. Today, I wouldn't go down that road for anything in the world. Even when you still love that person, you get to a point where you can't do the crazy rollercoaster ride anymore.

 

Hang in there! You did the right thing.

Edited August 25, 2014 by bathtub-row

[herself]

I think him blanking you is causing you to want contact.

Its natural to miss that affection and attention.

Suddenly it feels as uf its too easy for him to end it and that he never even cared.

I kinda try to think of it as it was good while it lasted but it wasn't built to last.

I said to my XEAP...when he ended it...I am just left to deal with this loss.

He said...but I am dealing with it too.

Just know he is missing and greiving and try to consider the pain of doing the right thing far outweighs the misery and guilt of staying in a horrible situation.

Proud and inspired by you getting out is hell at first but gets better and better.

Stay strong girl.

[Poppy's sister]

I am married too, so it's hard as I will have to hide all the grief and keep it together at home

However I can do this, I have hidden so many tears and wasted so much, no more,

[Meretchen]

Even when you still love that person, you get to a point where you can't do the crazy rollercoaster ride anymore.

 

Yes, this absolutely resonates with me. He would probably be able to continue the A, if I let him, but I just finally hit the wall of my own boundaries, I guess. I love him, but I cannot go on like this anymore. And I absolutely never ever want to be in an A again, ever - I don't care how Incredibly Perfect he might seem. Thank you so very much for the nice cheer up Bathtub-row.

[Meretchen]

I am married too, so it's hard as I will have to hide all the grief and keep it together at home

However I can do this, I have hidden so many tears and wasted so much, no more,

 

Ouch, how awful - I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a pain . AP is absolutely not worth your tears, but I guess you know this. Love should not cause so much misery.

[Meretchen]

I think him blanking you is causing you to want contact.

Its natural to miss that affection and attention.

Suddenly it feels as uf its too easy for him to end it and that he never even cared.

I kinda try to think of it as it was good while it lasted but it wasn't built to last.

I said to my XEAP...when he ended it...I am just left to deal with this loss.

He said...but I am dealing with it too.

Just know he is missing and greiving and try to consider the pain of doing the right thing far outweighs the misery and guilt of staying in a horrible situation.

Proud and inspired by you getting out is hell at first but gets better and better.

Stay strong girl.

 

The almighty power of the Blank - makes you feel like crap, and yes you are probably VERY right about this is making me even more fixed on him. So far, I have not seen him since the break up, and I have no idea of his whereabouts. The thought of having to face him any day now though, makes my pulse race.

 

I will stay focused - thank you so very much, herself, for your encouragement and the very same wish goes out to you!

[Meretchen]

Time for a little update: it is now 18 days since I cut the contact to XMM. He came back to work a couple of days ago - no greeting or talking - it made my heart sink a bit to be honest. 3 and a half years and that's that.

 

Well, I wanted peace and NC and I got it, I am sticking with that. And something else happened - I got asked out on a date recently by a friend of a friend. He is really nice, and I like him, but I am just not sure, I am ready to date at all - I still feel a lot of pain from the A.

 

What do you guys think? The SM does not know about XMM and the A.

[FusionCutter]

Time for a little update: it is now 18 days since I cut the contact to XMM. He came back to work a couple of days ago - no greeting or talking - it made my heart sink a bit to be honest. 3 and a half years and that's that.

 

Well, I wanted peace and NC and I got it, I am sticking with that. And something else happened - I got asked out on a date recently by a friend of a friend. He is really nice, and I like him, but I am just not sure, I am ready to date at all - I still feel a lot of pain from the A.

 

What do you guys think? The SM does not know about XMM and the A.

 

You made a decision. Now stick with it.

[enya46]

Time for a little update: it is now 18 days since I cut the contact to XMM. He came back to work a couple of days ago - no greeting or talking - it made my heart sink a bit to be honest. 3 and a half years and that's that.

 

Well, I wanted peace and NC and I got it, I am sticking with that. And something else happened - I got asked out on a date recently by a friend of a friend. He is really nice, and I like him, but I am just not sure, I am ready to date at all - I still feel a lot of pain from the A.

 

What do you guys think? The SM does not know about XMM and the A.

 

Meretchen,

Try not to be around him and remember that he DIDN'T leave his wife. He made his choice, and he chose her over you.

If you like this SM, date him now. It will help you forget about the A.

Give him a chance. A date is a date. What do ypu have to lose?

MM is not coming back. Let him go.

Do not make your happiness depend on his decisions.

This is the theory, I know.

I feel with you.

E.

[bathtub-row]

He came back to work a couple of days ago - no greeting or talking - it made my heart sink a bit to be honest. 3 and a half years and that's that.

 

He's just playing games with you. He knows exactly how distancing himself and being cold toward you will affect you. Don't buy into this. Just leave it alone and date the new guy.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Kudos for leaving this long. Stay stronger when u work with him. It's why i left my past career we were in the same. He drove me crazy. Even though the A still lasted in my current career. I ended my A with NC....hmm 3 weeks now..after 5yrs..I have my moments I wonder of him but I don't feel this A cloud over me. I also have interest in dating a SM. Ive talked to only as friends for a few years. Just never pursued it cause of my A. I'd like to try it but I want to be fair to SM and make sure I cleansed this A. So either use it to your advantage by dating...or heal yourself then try it.

Edited August 31, 2014 by Back2WhatUKnow
typos

[Meretchen]

Back2WhatUKnow, I get where you are coming from, and I do not want any work drama (who wants that). After seeing him I reacted exactly as I thought I would - heart racing, tears welling up and I had to take a break...

 

Luckily, I do not have to see XMM on a daily basis - only for meetings. Maybe he would like to change jobs as well, he mentioned it a couple of months ago, because he is pushing 53 and is kind of afraid that "this is it", careerwise.

 

Anyway, to date or not to date, that is the question. I have to think this through a bit more.

[jellybean89]

Go on the date. Could be just coffee or lunch or a casual dinner...put no pressure on yourself. It would be good for you to get back out into the "world", to feel desired, to feel pretty....it's all about you now.

[herself]

Do you have any vacation days where you can take a few days off too?

I think those emotions welling up are normal when you first saw him.

I think you dont miss him but rather the happiness you once felt.

It is hard to let go but...its really doable.

Try to change routines, park in different places, have a peaceful morning regimine like drinking a special tea and thinking positive happy thoughts like "Im free"

Maybe look into a job transfer or a different department.

I think its important to get out of old habits, routines...everything thats possible to make new...do that.

Also I think its important to be neutral, move about peacefully through the office, not with an exaggerated feigned happiness but rather a quiet professional determination.

Not engaging with him, but no going overboard either on ignoring, being mean, rude, just under the radar and ALL about the job.

No one is saying quit...(well Id like to say that) but job hunting is never a bad idea. At least look.

[PachucaSunrise]

Time for a little update: it is now 18 days since I cut the contact to XMM. He came back to work a couple of days ago - no greeting or talking - it made my heart sink a bit to be honest. 3 and a half years and that's that.

 

Well, I wanted peace and NC and I got it, I am sticking with that. And something else happened - I got asked out on a date recently by a friend of a friend. He is really nice, and I like him, but I am just not sure, I am ready to date at all - I still feel a lot of pain from the A.

 

What do you guys think? The SM does not know about XMM and the A.

 

First of all - congrats! This is awesome! So I guess it's been around 3 weeks now? Be proud of yourself. Be very, very proud! I hope you're hanging in there okay??

 

Meretchen - I never really understood the power of NC until I actually tried it for myself. As you already know, the XMM in my life crossed his final line, and for the first time throughout my whole mess, I made a decision for ME. I completely cut him out of my life. It's a done deal and there's no going back.

 

Oh, it was so difficult.... At first... I was a complete mess, and even though it hasn't been very long, I can't begin to explain just how different I feel. I'm beginning to appreciate all the little things in my life that I took for granted for far too long. Oh, how I've missed these things! And why was I missing out on so much? Because he occupied my every thought, and I allowed it!!

 

But now, just being in nature, taking a walk, hanging out with my family, spending time with friends... I'm all 'there'. I'm beginning to truly live in the moment once again. I'm not obsessing about him, questioning things, rehashing conversations, etc. I've completely let go. And this new sense of freedom I feel? It sounds so silly, but it feels like I've been given a gift! I never thought I'd feel this way again. I thought I was doomed forever, but knowing in my mind and heart, that I TRULY let go of everything... That's what has saved me.

 

I've managed to avoid everything and anything that involves him in ANY way. I'll be completely honest and say that there's still a little bit of an urge, but I fight it, and the more I fight it, the easier it's becoming. The more I focus on myself, the more the thought of him fades. I really, really hope this is what's happening for you as well. I know how difficult this process is. Oh, do I ever!! But you need to do it for YOU, so that you can heal and learn to fully love yourself again. You deserve it, and so do I.

 

As far as dating... I'm in the same boat, but I think that's completely normal. I've tried so hard to get back out there, but I'm just not ready, either. And the crazy thing is that I don't think I've been asked out on this many dates in my entire life! I swear, the timing couldn't be any worse. This would have been pretty nice if it had happened a few years ago... But right now it's just too hard. Things are still so very raw, and like you, I still feel quite a bit of pain.

 

But, unlike XMM, I'm going it alone and working through the pain. And I'm hell bent on digging deep so I can also work on my personal issues that led me to become involved in an A in the first place. I'm not going to get over everything by latching on to the first guy who shows some interest in me. That would only mess me up even more, and it wouldn't be fair or kind for me to use someone as a rebound, as nice as it would be to have that kind of cushion. I can't say the same for XMM, though.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with going on some dates, as long as you keep things simple. Any new guy you decide to spend some time with doesn't need to know about the A... Instead, maybe you can find a way to make it clear that you'd like things to remain casual, at least for the time being. As someone else mentioned - a no-pressure kind of situation. I don't see any harm in that. It might actually do you some good to see that there are guys out there who will treat you with kindness and respect - something XMM is not capable of - but something you so deserve.

 

Keep us posted, girl! I'm pulling for you big time. I know how hard this is, but you owe it to yourself to find some freedom from all of this negativity. There IS peace and happiness on the other side, you just gotta keep moving forward. You can do it!!

[glow worm]

How's it going Meretchen? It's been over 3 weeks now .... my NC started on the same day as yours, August 12.

 

Did you go on the date? How did it go? What are your feelings now?

 

I went on a couple of dates with a new single guy. He fell for me pretty fast, and I explained to him right away that I've just gotten out of a long-term R and I'm not ready to start a new serious R right now. He initially said that's fine, we can just take things slowly. Well, that all changed quickly and a couple days ago he told me he was so into me that he still wanted me to be his GF despite the fact that I'm still in the process of falling out of love with exMM. So it all totally backfired and I ended up breaking his heart by dating him when I wasn't ready to be his GF. I thought it would be okay since I was honest with him from the beginning about my situation and intentions, but I guess it wasn't. Now I feel like even more of a bad person, on top of what I felt before.

 

So anyway, yeah, I was wondering how your dating experience went? I've got so much to learn about the dating scene, and especially after being an OW for 4 1/2 years.

Edited September 4, 2014 by glow worm
forgot a word

[Cocochai]

I tried the NC it doesn't work with me... Every now and then we hook up but I'm no longer emotionally invested in the MM anymore. I think I made 100 threads on here months ago about how I'm going NC.

 

I was emotionally invested in him for over two years... I stopped talking to him after he offended me with his words but we talked about it when he contacted me again.

 

I'm dating someone but we live an hour away and it's not turning serious with our busy schedule ... The MM was always good in the bed. I kept thinking about it. Then boom! He contacts me...

 

It's a damn drug almost. So instead of torturing myself (I'm not suggesting anything to anyone going NC)... We hook up every once in a while. No more constant text messages and I don't even care what he's doing anymore. I blow him off when he's reaching out at times..

 

I suppose one day we may lose contact from each other but I'm def no longer hurting... Being emotionally invested was the worst thing to be in with someone attached.

 

A lot of you will judge but NC put me in a depressed state.