Huge crush over coworker who kept flirting but didn't actually want me

[sophadventures]

I'm really heartbroken because of a guy at work whom I have a huge crush on in the past few months. Apparently he has no genuine interest in me but yet flirt to mislead so in a way, this is to let some know how hurtful the so-called "innocent flirting" can be to other people. To be precise, he actually is not my coworker but a guy from the office next door. I'm the receptionist for my company and I am by myself in the office holding the fort most of the time. This guy tried to get to know me, the first time at the elevator and then later he would come to my office everyday just to chat up with me. It really would not have been a big deal if we are actual coworkers or potential network but we are not (entirely different nature of business), so the fact that he would even make the effort to chat up, to me, suggest a degree of interest to begin with. I mean, there are plenty of other guys and girls on my floor but interactions are mostly limited to hi and bye, if there's even that. Anyway, for months I felt this strong sexual tension between us and we flirted quite a bit back and forth, for example:

- Lots of eye contacts and smiling

- Playful touching on arms, back etc

- Always focusing on me, asking me lots of personal questions about me

- Notice small things about me

- Saying things like he was thinking about me, showing me videos or interesting articles that are relevant to what we talked about

- We went out for lunch a number of times though not as much as I hoped since he is always on business trip. We would lean really close, almost kissing each other

- Making seductive gestures like licking his lip and then looking at me like really seductively a number of times. He was so hot when he did this..

 

I fell head to toes because he's so cute, smart and sweet as a person. I almost thought there was no mistake that he wants me (even if it's only for sex), especially after the seductive lip licking. In general, he didnt seem flirty toward his own coworkers or people in the other offices so I thought that's great, it's only me. But then, 2 months goes by and he never ask me out for drinks or other activities. Then, the revelation - he's married. He at last admitted to it during a conversation. I secretly cried in the bathroom after that convo. By that time, I was already way into him and I was so tempted to ask him out for drinks hoping to just have a physical fling with him so I can get it done and over with (didn't have the intention to destroy his marriage or make it a long term thing, but still bad thought I know). I never pluck the courage to eventually ask him although he continued his flirting as if nothing happened and looked at me like he really is interested in me. He also never took further action.

 

He considerably cooled down in his last week at his job, after two weeks of being away from town for a work trip I think he has "forgotten" about me. I was so sad that I often cried and now that he has left for three weeks, I still miss him so much and very sad because of him. Honestly I have never fell for other guys who flirted with me but this hit me bad!

 

I guess what I really dont understand is why some people can so shamelessly flirt with the opposite gender even when they have no actual interest, especially when they are married!! I would never flirt like that with a guy I don't want to avoid misunderstanding. I know some people do it for ego boosting but don't they know this can be really hurtful when others fall for them? There are surely other ways to feed their confidence without potentially hurting others..

 

Just wondering if anyone relate to what I think in terms of flirting? How do you tell an "innocent/friendly" flirt from a "really interested in you" flirt (I thought I can tell but perhaps I really misread the signs?) Do you ever have a similar story with a coworker? Please do share to help me get over this...

[d0nnivain]

Most of those things are innocent flirtations & they don't mean anything other than your company was enjoyable in the moment.

 

The leaning in until he almost kisses you did take it way outside the bounds of "innocent" flirting. That was deliberate & very disrespectful to his wife.

 

I'm sorry he did this to you. Going forward next time you meet a new man, point blank ask are you married or seeing anybody. At least then you understand the landscape.

[sophadventures]

Most of those things are innocent flirtations & they don't mean anything other than your company was enjoyable in the moment.

 

The leaning in until he almost kisses you did take it way outside the bounds of "innocent" flirting. That was deliberate & very disrespectful to his wife.

 

I'm sorry he did this to you. Going forward next time you meet a new man, point blank ask are you married or seeing anybody. At least then you understand the landscape.

 

I asked him if he's dating anyone and he said no!! I guess he's honest, he's not dating, he's just married.

 

I cant agree that these are "innocent flirts". I have guy friends who are just friendly and they either flirt with everyone and it's clear it's just their style. They don't "flirt" the way he did, looking at your eyes very deliberately and being really close, etc. Actually whenever there's agenda to seduce another person, I dont know how it can be brushed off as "innocent". It's trying to make another person fall for you and that's just plain selfish.

[soul_to_squeeze]

Not sure what to tell you, other than I know how you feel and to hang in there...I could have written this myself...

[stillafool]

I agree with dOnnivan that most of it seemed like innocent flirting at the least except for the almost kiss. I lick my lips alot and men would often think I was flirting with them when in fact I've been doing this all my life. I really don't think it's wise to take a man serious until he actually asks you out on a date. Then you know for sure they are interested.

[sophadventures]

@soul - Sorry to hear, if you're also not over the pain, it might help writing it out actually, helped a little for me. Your case is also with a married man??

 

@stillafool- With the liplicking you brought up, I trust that a very slow, across the lip lick, locking-his-eyes-on the other party while footsieing under the table is not something you would do "all the time", right?? Well, if this is something you always do, you shouldn't be surprised or blame others for misconstruing you. He did this and to me, this was the most overt invitation to something I've ever seen a guy doing to me, much more than the almost kissing thing. Also, he did ask me out on lunches and coffees. While they are not dinner dates, I think lunches and coffees are also considered dates as I've initiated an innocent coffee meeting with guys in the past and they all took it as dates. But I do agree asking out is almost like the only indicator you can somewhat trust.

 

Anyway I guess the point is that no flirting is actually innocent especially when the guy is MARRIED! Are you sure you'd be okay with your husband even if it's just your socalled "innocent flirting" - randomly talking up a girl who he has no work or other relations with, taking her out for lunches, touching her, etc? To me, they just simply should not flirt to start with....

[sophadventures]

@soul - Sorry to hear, if you're also not over the pain, it might help writing it out actually, helped a little for me. Your case is also with a married man??

 

@stillafool- With the liplicking you brought up, I trust that a very slow, across the lip lick, locking-his-eyes-on the other party while playing footsie under the table is not something you would do "all the time", right?? Well, if this is something you always do, you shouldn't be surprised or blame others for misconstruing you. He did this and to me, this was the most overt invitation to something I've ever seen a guy doing to me, much more than the almost kissing thing. Also, he did ask me out on lunches and coffees. While they are not dinner dates, I think lunches and coffees are also considered dates as I've initiated an innocent coffee meeting with guys in the past and they all took it as dates. But I do agree asking out is almost like the only indicator you can somewhat trust.

 

Anyway I guess the point is that no flirting is actually innocent especially when the guy is MARRIED! Are you sure you'd be okay with your husband even if it's just your socalled "innocent flirting" - randomly talking up a girl who he has no work or other relations with, taking her out for lunches, touching her, etc? To me, they just simply should not flirt to start with....

[haribogumsnickers]

I sort of have a milder version of what you experienced with this flirty married guy. Recently, I had to attend a mandatory three day job meeting with other personnel from different departments. Day one I meet a pretty and young (early 20's) associate who I sat next to. During the meeting we chat up a bit some work related and some personal. She does mention her boyfriend and I acknowledge. But then I'll catch her staring at me on more than one occasion. I figured maybe I had a booger or something but I was clear. She would also get close to touching my hands or hitting my legs with her feet. After day two we walked together to the parking lot. I asked if I could friend her on fb and she agreed. So later that day I sent the request and she accepted. I followed up with messaging her good luck on her transfer to a new department to which she didn't reply when a reply wasn't really expected. A few days later I message her asking if she started working in her new department and this time no reply either. So then what was the whole point of accepting a friend request on Facebook if you can't reply to a simple question yet still update new selfies? I had a small crush but I knew she was not single. I assumed maybe even a friendship of the lowest quality could have been established but I got nothing. Oh well woopty doo.

[ExpatInItaly]

Some married guys like to test the waters and see if they've "still got it" even if they have no intention of following through. It sounds like he got a thrill and ego-stroke from the flirtatious behaviour but that's where it ends. Unfortunately, it's not terribly uncommon. He was obviously not so keen to tell you he's married, or he would've told you when you asked if he was dating anyone. To him, it probably didn't mean too much. To you, it was a signal of something more. He shouldn't have been flirting with you in that way; it's disrespectful to his marriage. Remember the type of guy he is whenever you catch yourself wanting some attention from him.

[preraph]

That wasn't any innocent friendly flirt. That was a jerk who constantly needs to prop up his ego and feel like women still want him. Forget about him. Listen over the years of working in offices, I've noticed that all the men, no matter what age, gather around the youngest cutest girl's desk and act like they're buddies with her and take up her time. They're all married and all they're doing is trying to make themselves feel young and/or attractive again, taking advantage of a poor receptionist held captive by her job to HAVE to be nice to them instead of feeling free to run them off and using that to tell themselves they've still got it. It's pathetic. Please this guy is a dog. Don't give him another thought and tell him to leave you alone because he's married. Ask him how his wife is doing.

[smackie9]

Obviously married life is too boring so he had an emotional affair with you to spice things up. I agree he over stepped his boundaries for a married man. Some feel if there is no sex involved it's not cheating and is perfectly fine. He couldn't be more wrong, he was cheating. He backed off for good reason. He knew it had gotten out of hand and had to get out of there......what a jerk.

[smackie9]

BTW he did have a genuine interest in you or he wouldn't have bothered spending so much time chatting with you.....the only thing that prevented him from pursuing you was the fact he was married....I can see him losing his nerve to cheat on his wife.