Feel like a single parent even while I am married

[mykidspaw]

Been married almost 7 years. Have 2 small children, son is 7 and daughter is 5. Last year my wife gave me the I love you but I am not in love with you garbage. We have had ups and downs for sure. I have never been a super touchy romantic type since the day she met me. It just isn't in my nature or maybe she just doesn't trip the trigger for me, I have never been this way with anyone really. She said this bothers her and she just isn't happy. We decided a separation to see how it would go, well that never happened. I went out and found another place and told her about it. I think once she saw the financial mess she would be in she freaked out and that changed her mind real quick.

 

I work from home much of the week and the few days I am in the office I still have the luxury to leave to take care of any of the kid appointments and other things. I love that and have always vowed to be different from the way I was raised by my parents. My parents missed my sporting events, they partied on the weekends, and they were sadly not very good parents I think. I don't dwell on that and just made a promise to be better at it than them. I coach both kids sports teams. I cook dinner every night, (including weekends when the Mrs. is off). She has recently started to go out again. When she gets home from work she plops down and buries her face in the damn phone doing Facebook or whatever. Or falls asleep all while I am cooking. Not an offer to help set the table or anything. This really ticks me off and if I ask for help she gets all pissy and defensive.

 

She goes to outings with co-workers and friends she would never do with me and the kids. When we have drinks together she is ready to go to sleep by 9 but when she is out with friends she gets drunk and drives home that way at 1 and 2 in the morning. And to be honest, I am happier when she goes out. There is less stress amongst the family. When it is all 4 of us, she can be kinda bitchy.

 

Where I am at is that when she told me last year she loved me but is not IN love with me I just kind of checked out really. Over the years she has said some pretty bad things, such as she hates me, she would take the kids away from me, and has even gotten physical to me. I am not the type to have blow out arguments and say things I don't mean like that. I also have never laid a hand on her and never would. But the reason I am pointing these things out is I am just tired of it. I don't believe when you love someone you can say such horrid things and turn around and say I didn't mean them and I only said them because I was angry. I have given up everything to keep this women happy and I feel like I am a parent to her sometimes. I guess what I am trying to say is I am tired and just ready to be rid of her. I am annoyed with her and I am not attracted to her in the least bit any more. I guess that is pretty bad. But I feel like the only reason she is with me is for the financial stability at this point. I really wish someone would sweep her off her feet and take her off my hands and just give her that romance she wants.

 

My kids are the best thing ever and I just don't want to mess that up. Then again I do not want them to grow up and think a marriage like their parents is normal either. I know I have rambled but I am pretty much alone in this as I have no one to tell it to. Thanks for reading if you made it this far

[jakrbbt]

It sounds like, if someone could reassure you that everything would work out smoothly in the divorce and your kids will adjust, then you'd file in a heartbeat.

 

At the very least, I don't recommend staying just out of fear of the divorce. Let me warn you right now that you might get some scary-sounding quasi-legal "information" from friends and online people about how, if you divorce, a mean judge will give your wife all your money and you will be homeless living in a cardboard box and not seeing your children ever while your wife laughs in your face while burning your money. Go see a lawyer, find out how much this thing is likely to cost and why, and then just plan for it. Don't stay just because you fear some aspects of the divorce. The courts have the interests of the children in mind. See an experienced attorney, don't just pick one because you heard they were a "bulldog." You want information at this stage so you can make your decision. Even very experienced attorneys often charge a very reduced rate for first-time consultation.

 

Your situation sounds pretty dysfunctional. Your wife sounds either immature and selfish and lazy, or else in pain and confused and in need of some direction. Either way, the two of you are not having that conversation where you go, "Let's work on this right now or have an agreed separation." It's tough when the other person won't even talk about how they won't talk about the problems.

 

If there are any other reasons to stay in the marriage, I'd get thee to a good marriage counselor pronto. And I'd make it clear that it is this or separation. But if the only reason to stay in marriage is that you fear the divorce process or the cost, what kind of relationship is that? Who lives like that? You can have a relationship that is better than "well, I fear divorce" and so can she. Or you can be single and at least free, unrestrained, at peace. Or maybe, if you two have something there to rekindle, you both work at it, and you can get over your resentment, you can have a healthy relationship with each other.

 

You have a tough decision, and right now I'd place you squarely in information-gathering mode.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd get thee to a good marriage counselor pronto. And I'd make it clear that it is this or separation.

Amen. You owe everyone your best effort to improve things. Sounds like there are a multitude of issues from communication to shared goals.

 

But having said that, I certainly wouldn't invest another 7 years without progress. Her willingness to go and participate will tell you everything you need to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoBlue]

I am very sorry for the pain in your marriage, but nothing is going to change if you do nothing. I highly recommend a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. There is also a Christian ministry that offers a free counseling session by phone with a licensed professional. If you are interested in that please send me a private message and I will forward the information to you. Your children deserve to have a mother and a father who love each other and treat one another with respect. Although you cannot make your wife do anything, allowing the current situation to continue is basically putting your stamp of approval upon her behavior. I am not advocating divorce, I am advocating action. The book I have recommended will give you specific steps to follow. My thoughts and prayers are with you.