5 months after Dday...no more ILYs

[enya46]

Well..that's the thing about posting on an open forum. You end up starting a discussion with people from all sides, and you get all sorts of opinions from all sorts of people. I don't think I've been cruel in any way..I simply have a different perspective on your situation than you do. Seeing something from another perspective is never a bad thing. It might be painful, but it's healthy.

 

KaliLove,

I didn't want to give you the impression that you were being cruel.

No! Thank you for your opinion!

I just wanted to answer or comment on what you said.

Sorry!

E.

Edited August 17, 2014 by enya46

[Tullyseptember]

Enya do you think for your peace of mind you could step away from this man and focus on why this situation has such a tight grip on you? It appears that you are stuck in a horrible head space. He just may not be the man you desired him to be and his need for drama is keeping you stuck. Don't think or analyze if he loves you only he knows his true feelings and he's not sharing in a clear definitive manner. It appears as though he is sharing enough to keep you hooked on maybe he loves you still when it appears he doesn't even like himself:(

[enya46]

Enya do you think for your peace of mind you could step away from this man and focus on why this situation has such a tight grip on you? It appears that you are stuck in a horrible head space. He just may not be the man you desired him to be and his need for drama is keeping you stuck. Don't think or analyze if he loves you only he knows his true feelings and he's not sharing in a clear definitive manner. It appears as though he is sharing enough to keep you hooked on maybe he loves you still when it appears he doesn't even like himself:(

 

Tully,

 

Thank you. I am going to print your words and put them on the fridge door.

They perfectly summarize what's going on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

E.

[Tullyseptember]

You are most welcome Enya:) From my firsthand experience with drama, which I created and thrived on in the past I felt I recognized some of that in what you have posted. I have fortunately learned valuable lessons from my drama filled past and going back is not an attractive option. Take care of you Enya you are priority in your life:)

[jwi71]

 

=

 

For me it was so obvious, that I was getting more and more annoyed every minute. I din't want to start a discussion or a long convrrsation over text.

But in the end we were texting for one whole hour, me getting late for my sports meeting with other people.

 

He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that that was the reason he didn't say all those loving things to me. Again, he repeated that he always told me how he felt in regards to his family. He added that words are not always necessary to know how someone feels about another person.

 

I answered that I needed those words.

 

I said: So, you are trying to tell me that it's over. I accept it and therefore, let me forget you.

 

He answered that what he is saying is that he doesn't want to hurt me.

He said that he understands how I feel and asked if I understood him.

 

Since I don't understand his behaviour very well, I asked him directly: are you in love with your wife?

 

He said: E. Yes.

 

I said: ok, I didn't think you were. After D-day, wher you saw how deeply hurt she was, you came back to me. We never lost contact. That to me shows lack of respect for your wife and lack of love. And this behaviour made me think that you had really strong feelings for me (if you could not cut the contact, even after seeing how hurt she was). I thought it was more that you loved your situation, status, social circles.

 

He says: you think that? Please don't put a knife in me like that.

I don't feel well. I feel horrible, like a horrible person, but you are right. You put me in my place.

 

I answer: please, I wasn't trying to be mean or make you feel bad. i was just trying to explain to you HOW I FELT.

 

.......and then it's all like he is really a bad person, He asks me to forgive him....

 

Now it's me feeling worse for making him feel bad....and I'm late for sports.

 

****, I love him so much.

 

He says these messages aren't doing us any good. I agree. We decide to stop so I can make it to my meeting.

 

This afternoon he called me on the phone to know how it went. We didn't talk about what we said this morning. He was not alone at home when he called, at least not the whole time so he couldn't talk ver freely.

 

He is in love with his wife. This is what breaks my heart.

 

How can you be in love with somebody and continue lying to this person after having hurt her so deeply?

 

E.

 

I see a fair amount of manipulation on his part. He knows how to spin it around on you.

 

Heck, he has YOU feeling bad for HIM.

 

Glad to see you call him out a bit...his reply was interesting...read it again.

"You put me in my place".

 

Followed by what is, in all aspects, an apology for doing so.

 

He spun that around right quick didn't he?

 

And you have asked HIM and us the most important question of all:

 

How can he say one thing and do the opposite?

 

What is more believable - words or actions? And, when they are in conflict as they are here - and in most A's, which do you believe?

 

I would argue that, well, words are easily lies and actions less so.

 

If you look at what he DOES...who does he love?

[enya46]

I see a fair amount of manipulation on his part. He knows how to spin it around on you.

 

Heck, he has YOU feeling bad for HIM.

 

Glad to see you call him out a bit...his reply was interesting...read it again.

"You put me in my place".

 

Followed by what is, in all aspects, an apology for doing so.

 

He spun that around right quick didn't he?

 

Yes, I had that feeling as well. Suddenly I was feeling bad for him.

I didn't want him to feel that I was trying to hurt him on purpose. I was just trying to explain my line of thinking.

But jwi, you are right: I totally felt he was dramatising and "turning the omelette" (as we say in my country).

That very evening he called me to know how my day went and his voice sounded totally relaxed.

 

 

And you have asked HIM and us the most important question of all:

 

How can he say one thing and do the opposite?

 

What is more believable - words or actions? And, when they are in conflict as they are here - and in most A's, which do you believe?

 

I would argue that, well, words are easily lies and actions less so.

 

If you look at what he DOES...who does he love?

 

Himself?

Edited August 19, 2014 by enya46

[enya46]

He texted me on Sunday evening to know if I had arrived well.

He texted me yesterday to know how my first day at the office had been.

 

Today: nothing. I thought: would be funny to ask how the "second" day at the office was....

 

I have not contacted him and I feel well.

Not as anxious as last week, though I dreamt about him.

[Lovemesomehim]

I had a bad day today. Since yesterday no news from him.

I really think that he does not have those feelings for me anymore, or he is trying to show me he doesn't care, so I move on.

 

he stopped with the ILY's because he's been caught. Found out. What good does it do for him to tell you ILY when its clear he does not? Sex is all that your relationship with him is about...its black and white. Clear as day.

[enya46]

I had a bad day today. Since yesterday no news from him.

I really think that he does not have those feelings for me anymore, or he is trying to show me he doesn't care, so I move on.

 

he stopped with the ILY's because he's been caught. Found out. What good does it do for him to tell you ILY when its clear he does not? Sex is all that your relationship with him is about...its black and white. Clear as day.

 

Lovemesomehim....

 

Thanks for your opinion.

 

E.

[Hope Shimmers]

he stopped with the ILY's because he's been caught. Found out. What good does it do for him to tell you ILY when its clear he does not? Sex is all that your relationship with him is about...its black and white. Clear as day.

 

How is that 'clear as day'? What you said makes no sense. Why would he stop just because he was 'found out' if he still wanted sex? If that were the case he would keep saying it.

 

OP, I should post my story (which was similar to yours in this way) and leave out the part that we weren't having sex in the first place, and see how many people post "He just wants to keep having sex. It's black and white".

[Lovemesomehim]

How is that 'clear as day'? What you said makes no sense. Why would he stop just because he was 'found out' if he still wanted sex? If that were the case he would keep saying it.

 

OP, I should post my story (which was similar to yours in this way) and leave out the part that we weren't having sex in the first place, and see how many people post "He just wants to keep having sex. It's black and white".

 

He has stopped with ILY's right? Well that explains it all, black and white. He continues having sex with her, black and white. In the beginning he gave her the spill of ILY's, now that his wife knows, he stopped saying ILY's because he does not have to say it anymore. There's no longer the need for the ILY's...He has settled in and does not need to convince her that he loves her...he's out for what he wants in an affair "sex"

 

 

Just because your story is similar to hers, does not mean that its the same type of relationship. Black and white.

[enya46]

How is that 'clear as day'? What you said makes no sense. Why would he stop just because he was 'found out' if he still wanted sex? If that were the case he would keep saying it.

 

OP, I should post my story (which was similar to yours in this way) and leave out the part that we weren't having sex in the first place, and see how many people post "He just wants to keep having sex. It's black and white".

 

Hope,

 

I would love to read your story. I wasn't here when you posted as Tenacity.

Maybe you can share it again..

I just know that you hurt very deeply and that it took years to recover.

You show so much empathy and kindness and are always there to give a helping hand.

 

E.

[Elle1975]

All those "Dday" and "A" and "ILY".. I don't know why the words can't just be fully typed. Or are they too ugly to look at?

 

He likes the sex; he chose his wife; he played you. What else is there to say?

 

While I believe everybody has a right to be happy and meet "the love of their life", in your case, it's clearly only the sex that he's after.

 

Call it. He will never leave her, and you will slowly wither, get old, and miss on meeting someone who would be fully invested in you.

[enya46]

All those "Dday" and "A" and "ILY".. I don't know why the words can't just be fully typed. Or are they too ugly to look at?

 

He likes the sex; he chose his wife; he played you. What else is there to say?

 

While I believe everybody has a right to be happy and meet "the love of their life", in your case, it's clearly only the sex that he's after.

 

Call it. He will never leave her, and you will slowly wither, get old, and miss on meeting someone who would be fully invested in you.

 

Elle,

Sure. Thank you.

I am not missing on meeting people. I have many friends, I go out, I flirt...I am open to love..whenever it happens. I felt it more than once and I am sure I will feel it again.

 

I don't want to marry. I never wanted to and think I never will.

I will get old, just as you and everybody else. I enjoy life.

 

He is not only after the sex. You haven't read the whole thread.

I know he will not leave his wife. He loves her.

"Call it" sounds very cold to me. He has not intentionally hurt me and I will not just "call it".

 

I am a happy person. This situation has made me sad, but I am not depressed.

I am healing but healing does not mean having to despise him or hate him.

 

He may be selfish. I am too.

 

I think it's time to close this thread.

 

I will open a new one when the time comes.

 

Hope, I would love to PM with you, but I don't know how...

 

E.

[harrybrown]

Ask one of the moderators and they will tell you how long it will take before you can PM someone.

 

It does take time and posts to be able to use that feature.

 

Hope that helps, good luck to you.

[Hope Shimmers]

He has stopped with ILY's right? Well that explains it all, black and white. He continues having sex with her, black and white. In the beginning he gave her the spill of ILY's, now that his wife knows, he stopped saying ILY's because he does not have to say it anymore. There's no longer the need for the ILY's...He has settled in and does not need to convince her that he loves her...he's out for what he wants in an affair "sex"

 

 

Just because your story is similar to hers, does not mean that its the same type of relationship. Black and white.

 

Wow. Lots of 'black and whites' in there.

 

If everything is so black and white, that makes your last sentence completely contradictory to it. As you just stated yourself, not every relationship is the same, so for you (and others) to come onto people's threads and make statements about how it's "all about sex" when you know nothing about the situation or people involved other than what is in an internet post is nonsense.

 

My point has been that there are plenty of cases that this isn't true, so to keep stating over and over that every relationship is "black and white" is false.

 

enya, you should be able to PM soon. I think you need 50 posts and to have been a member for 30 days. Please PM me when you are able. I'll respect your desire for the thread to be closed.

[Red123]

I hope it's ok that I chime in. I have to agree that not all As are just about sex. I can only speak from my own situation, but my H has stated that his A was not about sex. They had sex twice during the A. He stated that it was more about the attention and ego boost he got from her. In fact the majority of their communication was over IM during work hours and he said that they didn't have good sexual chemistry. As I said I can only speak from my experience but I'm sure there are different types of As and the motivation for the people in them varies.

[Lovemesomehim]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]He was always clear to me that he didn't want to give up hisfamily, but at the same time he confessed that he loved me and said it often. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]Although he said hewas still sleeping with his W, he said it was very seldom and quick. They justweren't very sexual together, but he didn't complain about that.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]Three months later,when i was visiting my home town, he came over so we could talk about us. Wehad wonderful sex, which he started. I was sitting almost five feet away fromhim on the couch and he reached out for me.

 

Since then, we've slept together another two times, when I came to visit.

 

Now my problem, and why I need your thoughts, experience on this:

 

Since Dday there has not been a single text with ILY or IMY or IWY. The most :"kisses", "hugs"...

I feel that our sensual and romantic and emotional texts were a huge part ofour A. Since he now is extra careful to not getting caught again, I feel like Iam just collecting his crumbs.

 

After we spend hours together walking, eating out and making love, I feel theneed to send him a text with an ILY.

 

Ok, last week he texted me "Good night, it was a beautiful day".

But this is NOTHING compared to what he used to tell me before Dday.

 

I asked him yesterday why he doesn't tell me those nice things any more and hesaid that he can't. He can't devide himself.

 

When I said: "well, but you are deviding yourself when you have sex withme", he said "true, but I thought that we can take things in thismore "light" version".

 

I feel like he is giving me less and less emotionally, but he still doesn'twant to end the sex (when he has time to get away).

On the other hand, he texts every day and sends me pictures of wher he is, orasks me what I'm doing. He gives me advice on work issues, he tells me abouthis work and projects. And I feel so sad not to have this man on my side.

 

 

In this post from Enya, she mentions SEX with her mm and no more I love you's after SEX since his wife found out about the affair. He doesn't want to end the SEX.

 

 

Am I the one contradicting here?

 

 

If SEX is not the issue here, what is?

 

I don't know what to do. Is his behaviour "normal"? Can you just stopsaying ILY to soemone you have feelings for just out of respect to his W?

[Mount]

OK Ladies, how about let OP do this:-

 

Next time (i can not recall/remember your all post if there has a next time), if MM comes around asking for sex, you demand him saying "I LOVE YOU", no " I LOVE YOU" no sex. Simple is that.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hey Enya, you can request that your thread be closed (if you still want to) by hitting the 'alert' button for the moderators.

[snappytomcat]

I hope it's ok that I chime in. I have to agree that not all As are just about sex. I can only speak from my own situation, but my H has stated that his A was not about sex. They had sex twice during the A. He stated that it was more about the attention and ego boost he got from her. In fact the majority of their communication was over IM during work hours and he said that they didn't have good sexual chemistry. As I said I can only speak from my experience but I'm sure there are different types of As and the motivation for the people in them varies.

mine said this too red,it wasn't about the sex,as he didn't find her attractive,but it was how she made him feel,like he was some kind of god,she really stroked his ego,and they did most of their communicating on text or email,as she lived 2500 miles away,so no I don't believe all A are about sex at all

[woinlove]

Are you ending the A with MM or do you want to continue it? From some of your later posts, I'm not sure what your plan is on that.

[Elle1975]

I read your post, and I am sure feelings were there, at first. Sex is the only thing that he wants now.

 

You dont have to be married to be happy with your special someone. And I am not judging how you met him. Thats not what you are asking, I am just saying that his intentions are not to make sure that you are happy. Being someone's mistress isnt my cup of tea, but at least you should get something more than sex out of the relationship.

 

When I say call it, I am not saying that because the guy is married, but because I feel he is now using you.

 

Yes, we will all die, but I would like to die happy and loved; or at least try. Dont sell yourself short is all.

 

I hope you find the answer that is right for you.