Just can't decide to pull the trigger

[Justdontknow19]

I've known my wife for 22 years, been with her for 13 and married for almost ten years. Having known her for so long I really thought I knew her, but you never know everything and things came out eventually.

 

The short (I hope anyway) version is she got married in the early 90's and moved out of town. She had two kids and eventually got divorced. She ended up in a rebound relationship with a guy, got pregnant and left him after a series of events that involved him threatening her and her children. When she was several months pregnant, we happened to bump into on another and hit it off. She told me all of what I just relayed and we started dating. I wasn't sure at first what I was doing, being with a pregnant woman with children about six months after she gave birth we moved in with one another. I proposed a year later and we found out she was pregnant with my child soon after that. Got married in 2005 and things seems good.

 

In late 2007 I found out she had slept with a coworker earlier that year (though by that time she had switched jobs) and was talking to several other guys online. I was shocked and went into information gathering mode at first. At this point I found out she had cheated on her first husband (which she had denied when we talked about it when we first started dating) and was feeling like I was ignoring her and her needs. At the time she was working and going to school, so I was just trying to give her space and time to do that.

 

We decided to stay together. I went into therapy, but she didn't want to. My Doctor was good but after eight months he started going off on some weird tangents that I didn't see as having anything to do with me so I stopped going.

 

Several times since 2007 my wife has started to talk to guys who were seeming to want to be friends (or old friends thanks to the internet) and she'd go along and when they start to cross that friendship line she'll literally stop talking to them. But she won't tell them to stop talking to her, so eventually they try to start again. I've told my wife she doesn't have very good personal boundaries and she just go "whatever".

 

I'm pretty sure she hasn't cheated since, but lately I just feel more and more disconnected. Separation or Divorce seem to be the only things I can see in front of me and I really don't want either. I've tried to talk to her and she just doesn't want to talk. But I just can't seem to pull the trigger on those options.

 

I'm just wondering what finally made other people decide to separate or divorce. Yes, I know cheating is usually a deal breaker, but I studied enough in school to know what's generally wrong with me and know what most of my wife's problems are.

 

Oh, and sorry about it not being short.

[Mr. Lucky]

For me, it had to come to this:

 

1). There is a problem in our relationship which, if unaddressed, will become a dealbreaker.

 

2). My spouse isn't going to address the problem.

 

Once you get there, the path is pretty clear...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KarlaB]

After 15 years my husband asked for a divorce and at this point I am not contesting it. I have known for a long time that he thinks all of our problems are my fault and he won't lift a finger to try and make it work. So I am tired of being the one man show and going with it. It totally sucks though since we do have a son but I am just tired.

[GoBlue]

A marriage requires two willing participants. It is very unlikely that a relationship between a husband and wife can recover from an affair by not dealing with the underlying issues that brought the betrayal about. I know of a great book that may be very helpful to you titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is clear that your marriage is at a precipice and certain things need to happen to pull it back from the edge. I know about a free service that will allow you to speak to a counselor by phone for one session in order to get advice on how to move forward. It is done through a Christian Ministry. If you want more information please feel free to send me a private message. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Justdontknow19]

I want to thank those that replied. I know my situation isn't unique and that a lot of us are going through this. I just feeel the need to keep on trying to get through to her. If not for myself than for my daughter and youngest stepson (the one she was pregnant with when we got together). His father wasn't in the picture at first, and then he was. My stepson gained a second family when his father finally decided to seek help for his issues and got married. Unfortunatly his father is now is jail (and will be for quite some time) and that second family abandoned him. So I think me leaving would also cause quite a bit of strife in his world.

 

I've been writing down some of my thoughts about a lot of the problems I have with my wife, our life and what I feel needs to change. I know she may also have some things to say and I will listen to her thoughts also. I'm hoping to sit down and talk with her about it this weekend. If she just blows everything that I say off I will inform her about a job that I was just offered that would take me out of town Mon-Fri. The job doesn't really work well with our family schedule, but if I'm going to move out and be seperated from her I don't see it getting in the way. She needs my help around here way more than I need hers.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been writing down some of my thoughts about a lot of the problems I have with my wife, our life and what I feel needs to change. I know she may also have some things to say and I will listen to her thoughts also. I'm hoping to sit down and talk with her about it this weekend.

While I wish you luck, it's hard to see you solving this on your own. And with a partner in "whatever" mode that refuses MC, you may have some tough choices ahead. Were I you, I'd tell her MC is the only alternative to separation. Her history doesn't give one a lot of hope ...

 

Mr. Lucky