Dealing with someone that makes plans and cancels

[Georgia2014]

I've been there. A guy I liked would flake on me. I finally got tired of it and started dating other guys. I suggest you do the same you deserve better than her.

[SpiralOut]

Maybe she realized she was acting flirty, so she pulled back and put out some "I'm not interested" signals so you wouldn't get the wrong idea, or I guess continue to get the wrong idea.

Edited August 17, 2014 by SpiralOut

[irc333]

Maybe she realized she was acting flirty, so she pulled back and put out some "I'm not interested" signals so you wouldn't get the wrong idea, or I guess continue to get the wrong idea.

 

Here's what I think. SHe was having an emotional moment or something like that and acted "in the moment" and got over whatever she got over later on. That's what I'm thinking.

 

Not saying that justifies her actions though.

[GemmaUK]

Be honest, GemmaUK, do you honestly think this woman hasn't led me on?

 

It's obvious that she has, right? That's the point I'm trying to make here.

 

 

 

 

Close dancing, at least the way she does it, is something you do with someone you have a romantic interest in or a boyfriend. In the dance community, this is an obvious thing...at least here in America. Slow dancing , let's say if you're NOT close with someone romantically, you "Square off" with your partner (maintain that distance) not press up against each other with head on my shoulder like she did.

 

I guess you have a different view on close/slow dancing.

 

No, I really don't think she was.

 

I've only ever had a couple of lessons of dance (dancing as a couple that is) so maybe I don't know the etiquette. The only time I ever danced 'squared off' was when I was a teen at school and we did country dancing.

Now being an adult I dance close to someone when I dance and yes,will even lean my head on a shoulder if it's at the right height.

Maybe this is wrong but no one my age (40's) dances holding someone at elbow/arms length.

Maybe she isn't 'up' on the etiquette same as me if this isn't the correct way to dance?

[MGX]

We can never be sure about that, because well, for one you were never there to see her body language. I never had a woman get THAT affectionate with me (other than my last girlfriend).

 

But who would even treat their own brother in such a fashion as she did. It's kind of funny how there some significance to this only is there some kind of difference in the treatment you give someone whether they are a friend, a "brother, or a romantic interest. The same common deliminator is the treatment given to the individual.

 

Some women are just overly friendly and their intent could be misread by really lonely guys.

 

OR she WAS interested in you right there and then and soon after she changed her mind.

 

Just an excuse. I have a motto...if you DON'T have the time, you MAKE the time. What's so hard about seeing a movie together?

 

Exactly. Even the busiest woman will find time for a guy that she's really interested in, even if she's calling you on the can or on her lunchbreak. Just let this one go.

[guest569]

Just an excuse. I have a motto...if you DON'T have the time, you MAKE the time. What's so hard about seeing a movie together?

 

True, she doesn't want to.. Otherwise she would make the time or reschedule. Next!

 

She's probably not interested enough, had a change of heart, or just wants attention after the breakup.

[irc333]

No, I really don't think she was.

 

I've only ever had a couple of lessons of dance (dancing as a couple that is) so maybe I don't know the etiquette. The only time I ever danced 'squared off' was when I was a teen at school and we did country dancing.

Now being an adult I dance close to someone when I dance and yes,will even lean my head on a shoulder if it's at the right height.

Maybe this is wrong but no one my age (40's) dances holding someone at elbow/arms length.

Maybe she isn't 'up' on the etiquette same as me if this isn't the correct way to dance?

 

Okay, now you're just getting technical and arguing for the sake of arguing or you're really going out on a limb where no leaves exists. LOL. Do you kiss a guy on the cheek or neck when you're close dancing with him? She was with me.

 

Well, she was doing other physical things throughout the evening. She even led me out of the restaurant by the hand (holding my hand). She was going through some things in her life and wanted a shoulder to cry on apparently. A "warm body".

 

Some women tend to live in the moment and it was only for that moment she wanted me around. When she's feeling alright, she has no need for the person who filled that emotional void.

 

It was just a momentary emotional thing, so I gathered.

 

Some women are just overly friendly and their intent could be misread by really lonely guys.

 

Ironically, she was probably as equally as lonely considering how she was being with me. LOL

[GemmaUK]

Okay, now you're just getting technical and arguing for the sake of arguing or you're really going out on a limb where no leaves exists. LOL. Do you kiss a guy on the cheek or neck when you're close dancing with him? She was with me.

I was simply asking a question about dancing etiquette as you had posted about how close or not people are supposed to be. I am not a mind reader so I can only try to understand what your meaning is by asking you.

 

No, I don't..but you didn't mention that before now. I wouldn't call that dancing close though, I would call it dancing and kissing your neck/cheek (assuming it wasn't just a peck on either).

[salparadise]

I never had a woman get THAT affectionate with me (other than my last girlfriend).

[...]

I almost thought she was trying to get me to read between the lines or was using a passive-aggressive method of saying, "I find a nap more important than spending my time with you."

 

It's hard to know the exact motivations behind these behaviors, but I think it's safe to say that she's deriving some satisfaction from treating you so poorly, then having you come back for more repeatedly. But it really doesn't matter what's behind the behavior because she's already shown you how she's going to treat you, and how little respect she shows you. She's messing with your emotions and self-esteem for her validation and possibly even amusement.

 

I have encountered a couple of women who've acted like this in subtle ways, and one with whom it was overt/intentional. I soon learned that she was BSC, and I'm not using that as a flippant expression... she was out there. Because there was no subtlety the how and why of this behavior became apparent, and now it's easier to see in the more subtle forms as well.

 

But the bottom line is that you just cannot allow anyone to treat you like a doormat because the consequence is that you actually become a doormat. I hope you have other options so you can easily write her off, but even if you don't it's better to be alone and preserve your dignity than put up with crap. My opinion is that she has issues that you're better off not becoming intimately familiar with.

[Imajerk17]

I am a bit late responding to this thread.

 

What I think happened: After she made that invitation to you to come over the next night, she "thought better of it" and changed her mind about the whole thing--i.e., getting involved with you. She might have realized that she wasn't over her ex. OR she might have connected with someone else.

 

But regardless, the real reason why she cancelled is NOT a work event or her plans to relax on the weekend.

 

Anyway this would explain the enthusiastic invitation and then her suddenly going cold and giving flimsy excuses. The right thing for her to have done would have been for her to been more explicit with you--e.g., "I'm sorry but I am realizing that I am not over my ex so I am going to have to cancel" but well, she didn't do that. That's on her.

 

Meanwhile you keep writing these threads. I keep telling you that some of it is you and some of it might be the women in your area. The impression you are giving on here though, is that of someone who is easily frustrated by the actions of random women. That is not attractive and it might be what is leading to them flaking on you (and giving flimsy excuses in the process). As it is hard to tell someone that it is THEM, it may be why you are hearing last minute about, instead of hanging out with you, how they need to be taking a nap.

 

What are you going to do to change things?

Edited August 21, 2014 by Imajerk17

[irc333]

I am a bit late responding to this thread.

 

What I think happened: After she made that invitation to you to come over the next night, she "thought better of it" and changed her mind about the whole thing--i.e., getting involved with you. She might have realized that she wasn't over her ex. OR she might have connected with someone else.

 

But regardless, the real reason why she cancelled is NOT a work event or her plans to relax on the weekend.

 

Anyway this would explain the enthusiastic invitation and then her suddenly going cold and giving flimsy excuses. The right thing for her to have done would have been for her to been more explicit with you--e.g., "I'm sorry but I am realizing that I am not over my ex so I am going to have to cancel" but well, she didn't do that. That's on her.

 

Meanwhile you keep writing these threads. I keep telling you that some of it is you and some of it might be the women in your area. The impression you are giving on here though, is that of someone who is easily frustrated by the actions of random women. That is not attractive and it might be what is leading to them flaking on you (and giving flimsy excuses in the process). As it is hard to tell someone that it is THEM, it may be why you are hearing last minute about, instead of hanging out with you, how they need to be taking a nap.

 

What are you going to do to change things?

 

In this case, she was in hot pursuit of me, so it was all on her, not me...but...it's my reaction that is what matters...and perhaps that can bounce from that experience, to the vibe I put out to others.

 

I, too, am going through a time in my life where, like this woman, are going through similar things. I thought we kind of had a "bonding" moment where we shared our personal feelings, loss of loved ones in the past year and other stuff.

 

It was hurtful to find out that she blew me off, as if the "bonding", even if as a friendship, never occurred. How can you have such a intimate discussion then decide not to go through with it? True , someone better could've come along, who knows...but if this person is like that...perhaps this is someone I would not want in my life?

 

A friend of mine said to be patient with her, as she's going through some trials and tribulations in her life right now...as if that was a legit excuse.

 

I'm trying not to let it get to me. I've thought about not even showing up to the next Meetup event as to not let that vibe go through or perhaps take control of it.

 

It's how I'm letting other peoples' behaviors affect me that's problematic. The ability to be a "duck and letting it just roll off my back" has been a challenge. I tend to use this message board as a sounding board of sorts as to perhaps let off some steam from time to time. I don't know how many times I may sound like a broken record, but somethings got to give...eventually. I'm just sensitive that way. I don't have a large family, most of them have passed on...so I do get pretty lonely.

 

But this particular instance hurt me most. This situation didn't even have to be romantic, but more spiritual. People disappoint me sometimes, they want to get together, and then it's like "Oh, something came up" as if nothing special happened between us...even if it was non-romantic.

 

My thoughts she had a few drinks in her at the time, was all lovely dovey, so I even blew it off then...but the next day she was sober as a church minister when she did the invite. *shrug* go figure.

 

So, we'll see

[Imajerk17]

You described your situation here rather differently than I had the initial impression of. I didn't know you and she had such an emotional connection. Yes, it is painful when someone you opened yourself up to blows you off like this.

 

Meanwhile though, if you are unhappy with the responses you are getting--both on here and "in real life", consider the impression you are putting out.

 

When you make thread after thread after thread criticizing the habits of random women (your "let me pray on it" is an EXACT REPEAT, and furthermore, you made a few threads nitpicking women's OLD profiles IN THE LAST 72 HOURS), people are going to assume that you are judgmental, easily bothered, and/or just have way too much time on your hands. I mean, who else would have the energy to write all the threads that you do.

 

And FYI, ALL of the aforementioned qualities are HUGE turn-offs to women.

 

Anyway, I find it extremely hard to imagine that the way you post on here doesn't carry over in some way to your real-life interactions. Women (maybe not this particular girl, but others who flaked on you) might not have been able to put a finger on it, but they probably felt something "off". And so when it came time to meet up with you, they "had lawnwork to do" or "have too much going on at the moment".

 

This is something you might want to think about.

Edited August 23, 2014 by Imajerk17