Drawing the line between not being selfish and not taking on other's problems?

[Thinkalot]

Hi all.

 

Some of you who know me, know that as part of my work on myself, I have been learning how to not take on everyone else's worries as my own- especially my mum's. I simply end up feeling guilty or anxious when I shouldn't, with an over-developed sense of responsibility.

 

Stepping back, and saying "I feel for you, and I can offer you love and support, but I can't fix this, and it's not my job to fix this" has been tough for me. I'm an only child, and mum and I have always been really close. I think we were a bit co-dependent on and off actually. We are still close, but things have changed a lot since i have been with my fiance, as they had to.

 

I feel as though I have toughened up on certain things, and got tougher with mum too. Before, if she overspent or was anxious about money, for example (this is a common problem) I would worry and feel for her, and wonder what to do. Now, I feel annoyed she wasnt more responsible initially. And yet, at the same time, afterwards, I feel guilty- like I was maybe too tough. Plus, she is so giving, that even when she cant afford it, she'll give me a gift (ie a new swimming costume). I'll say, "mum you cant afford this stuff- I dont want you to buy me anything"...and she'll say "I know..." and look sheepish. Then I give her a hug and thank her, cos it's done then anyway...it's hard to be angry with her when she's done something nice, and is saying "but I knew you'd love this to take to Fiji for your honeymoon". I love her so much, but she frustrates me too, and makes me annoyed. For so many years, I did not react that way, and now when I do, I still feel some guilt.

 

I find my patience for things with her is less than it used to be. Like I am tired of the drama. I just want to chat with her, and things be light and happy (they are some of the time, and she's been supportive with the wedding plans etc) instead of her being stressed, or anxious, or depressed, or feeling the world is against her (these feelings come and go for her).

 

And yet, some of the drama in her life she really CANT help (ie, she has back/neck problems, and is the primary carer for my grandma, who has dementia, and is VERY demanding). So then I wonder, "have I become a selfish woman?"

[kypepeo]

I can see why you feel the way you do. You have been carrying a lot of weight and baggage for a long time from your mum and now you want to not be in that palce anymore but to enjoy your life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your mum has to learn to deal with her issues. There may be things that she can;t help e.g the neck problems e.t.c but in life we all get messed up situations and the best way to handle them is with a healthy attitude and take it in your stride. Your mum however, uses you as a crutch and you are the one who now bears the burdens for her. I know you two love each other but the situation is unhealthy or both of you and your relationship with her and with those close to you coz what affects you affects them .I suggest you sit your mum down. Tell her how you feel and show her that she's not dealing with her issues well. Help her learn how to handle situations and she'll be more emotionally independent which will be good for both of you.

[RowanRavyn]

Being a natural nurturer can be a very difficult thing to find balance in. It really does become addictive. Fixing things for people can make you feel powerful and needed, which is a high in and of itself.

 

What I have come to realize is that its not only unhealthy for me, its unhealthy for the other person as well. As long as they have me to solve things, take blame, pat them on the back, etc....then they will not be motivated to change.

 

I am struggling with a friend now that I am trying to distance myself from. I have been really good with ignoring my "savior" complex since I left my ex-husband. Its tough to find the balance. Yet I have found myself totally entangled with this person. Its even more difficult when its your family you must set boundaries with.

 

Chin up. You are not being selfish. You are becoming healthy.

[Thinkalot]

thank you both. It is taking time. I have been in the process of making these changes, and stepping back for a couple of years now. I have come a long way, but I realise I am still on the path of learning how to do this, and where to draw the line...and being comfortable doing so.

 

I used to be dependent on mum too- as in, I would check everything with her, seek her approval on things. Learning how to stand on my own , and even do things without seeking/needing her advice, and/or approval has been an effort in itself.

 

I didnt realise how much I had come to rely on those things, and her in the reverse, relying on me. It was just the two of us for so long, I guess it just happened. And for a long time it was comfortable and we were just close and happy. Until , through the arrival of my fiance, and mum not agreeing with him on all things, I realised I needed to make changes.

 

anyway thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, you sound alot like me! Not exactly with my mom and I, but with other friends.

 

I know I take on way too much than I should...Helping friends out, doing favours, listening and stuff...I can't say no because if I do I feel selfish. My needs can come last.

 

Thing is THAT is NOT a good thing...Eventually resentment and anxiety kicks in! Hello!! Hense my anxiety disorder!! It's a hard cycle to stop.

 

I realized though now, those I help are the ones who actually want and NEED help...Are willing to DO something. That is really a wonderful feeling to help someone you care for through a hard time, and then it all works out. It's those out there that 'suck your energy' and drain you are not good. They are the ones who take take take and have no intention of improving themselves ever! Took me a while to see that but now I know and I can stay away or only help in the most effortless way I can.

 

RR great reply and I agree with everything you said... I see some of myself in that, the need to help others. Maybe at times I do help because it makes me feel really needed and special. It's not malcious ever, always comes from my heart and deepest care - But maybe sometimes it becomes 'that person NEEDS ME' to get them through it and yes, that feels good. Know what I mean...