Question for any woman whose been married

[Groovy]

I see a thread on guys and when they knew she was the one. When do women know he's the one?

 

I am a woman and I may get intuitions about people that I'll see them for a long time, but never do I know upon meeting them one night. The guy I am dating is acting like he wants to marry me and I just met him a few weeks ago. I really like him but I would never determine how I feel untilmany months. I did fall in love quickly once in my life and it really hurt me, so maybe I am just not willing to jump in and share so much with anyone until time tells all.

 

But just curious, when did you know?

[oldfashion]

After dating for 2 years. You cant know in a couple of weeks. You wil learn new things about him everyday and i dont think it would be possible in such a short time.

[HokeyReligions]

'bout 25 or so years ago I met this guy where I worked. I was one of those survey-takers you see in the malls. It was a great job to have during college. I dated a few of the guys I 'interviewed'.

 

Well, I met this one guy after my shift and we went to a nearby chain restaurant and talked for hours. When I got home my roommate/mother (we had both just moved & were sharing an apartment) asked me about this guy. I said "if I ever get married, he's the one" and I went to bed. Two years later we married and have been married ever since. We've had our ups and downs like any couple--even separated for a short time, but we were meant to be together.

 

It happens.

[quankanne]

the mother of an exBF explained it best: you'll know because it will feel like a sure thing.

 

when I met my husband, there was something about him that appealed to me that was distinctly different than the love I felt for my guy friends and the romantic feelings I had for other guys, but I couldn't name it. At some point while we were dating the first time, I knew this was the person I could be old with, to care for years down the line, and I didn't question that feeling.

 

when we started dating the second time, that "sure thing" feeling popped up again, and I think for him, also, because even though the subject of marriage never EVER came up, there was a kind of tacit understanding that our relationship would culminate in marriage ... the first time he ever mentioned the M-word was when he told me he had renewed a two-year work contract in Saudi Arabia and I asked "well, where does that put us." we eloped about a week afterward!

 

prolly not the smartest thing to do in hindsight, but because I was sure of merging my life with his, I went for it.

[Naive]

I knew he was the one the day I met him. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true!!!! He just made me feel so special and there was this certain something that I cannot explain but that let me know he is the one. It's just something you feel.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I realized it when I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without him. I thought about this: imagine that I wake up one day and he's not there. How would that make me feel? I knew then, that it was a sure thing. It wasn't about the sex, or the romance, or the dating, or the "love" or the initial "thrill" or any of that stuff - it was the basic knowledge that no matter the circumstances, no matter how much the 'romance rollercoaster' goes up or down, no matter what: I know that this is the guy I want to wake up with, be sick with, be well with, have fun with, spend time with, hang out with - so much...

 

The way I see it: subtract the "love" "passion" and "romance" from the guy for a minute. Find yourself still compatible? Still want to hang out with him? Still want to share your life with him? Can you be angry with each other and scream/yell/vent without fear of either of you leaving?

 

Because that "love", "passion" and "romance" will be a rollercoaster - it will be up sometimes, it will be down sometimes. It will slow down, speed up, creep along, sometimes it will turn upside down into "hate", "anger", and "resentment". Sometimes it will come to a dead stop and if you don't have a very decent foundation of respect, friendship and caring for him as a person and not just your 'partner' - then when that ride stops, you might find yourselves looking over at the stranger next to you and wondering what in the hell you are doing with each other.

[Hep]

I knew the minute I saw him- but denied it to myself. I am 24. He is 10 years older. He became a friend, and basically wouldn't leave me alone until I gave him a chance (by this time I had dated 2 different guys-he just sat there and watched me date other men, he remained single.)

After being treated like crap by those two guy, and he being the one who picked me up- I decided why not give it a try. We are getting married in 2 months and he treats me better than I thought any guy could treat a girl.

I think you know the very first time your eyes meet, but I think I was in disbelief and pushed him to see how much he liked me,,, and he proved it.

[Breathe]

I think it's a gut feeling one gets when you know it's right. My best friend tried hard to set me up with this guy for months. She claimed we were so much alike it was spooky to her. I met him briefly, but left it at that because I wasn't looking to date anyone. It was just bad timing for me. Several months later we met up again through my friend and this time I spent more than 5 minutes with him. I got to know him for him and not what others had told me about him. We had so much in common, my friend was right, it was "spooky". We hit it off immediately and from there on out we were inseperable. We married 4 months later.... now 6 years ago.

[AliceW]

I think the answer is that you never *really* know.

 

For years and years, I was so sure that my ex-husband was my soul mate. We had a storybook romance...love at first sight at 16, separated because we went away to different cities for college, he tracked me down in New York City 2 years later, then a very passionate long-distance relationship for 2 years, then he moved to NYC to be with me...so many interests in common, same sense of humor, etc etc etc. But we eventually drifted apart, for a lot of complex reasons (after being together for 12 years, living together for 10, married for 4), and although I was still eager to try to make the relationship work, he wasn't willing to try. He left me, and now 2 years later I'm with someone new...and I'm actually much happier with him in many ways, although there will always be things I miss about my ex.

 

I was in a divorce support group after my X left, and it was positively creepy how many people said the same thing: that they had felt like they were meant to be with their spouse...and then they ended up getting divorced.

 

I think it IS possible to be reasonably sure that your relationship is built on a solid foundation and that your potential spouse is a good, responsible person, but that's about as far as it goes, I think. Ultimately it's always a gamble...but then maybe I'm just a cynical divorcee....

[Rosewilt]

You will think he is the one

 

and be happy for a few years

 

then reality happens

 

and you wonder what the hell you were thinking

 

....then it's to late to bring back years you lost

[k_lily]

I knew immediately that he was my one and only. I know it sounds cliche but its true, we even started living together 3 weeks after we met. I know it doesn't work for everyone but that's just how well everything clicked. We have spent just about everyday since together. My fiance and I had a fast paced relationship to start, and I never felt worried or like I had to look back. Sure we've had our bad days, like any other relationship, but it was all that much easier to work things out knowing how important we are to each other. I think it helps that he's my best friend. We have the kind of relationship where I'll call him up on break at work just to tell him something like "hey dude, guess what my breath smells like!?!" It's just a crazy good ole time, and I don't know where I'd be with out him. It has all paid off too, because we're getting married in August this year (6 days after our two year anniversary). He asked me on my birthday (eight months in to the relationship).

 

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

[Debster]

At the end of my first date with my husband, I called one of my best friends and said Yep, he's the one.

Mind you, I think I've called her a couple of times earlier with premonitions about other guys I dated, but with my husband, something just seemed different. Within a month, I knew why and I knew for sure. I can't explain it, but you just feel it.

[moimeme]

I was in a divorce support group after my X left, and it was positively creepy how many people said the same thing: that they had felt like they were meant to be with their spouse...and then they ended up getting divorced.

 

Exactly. There are tons and tons of people who thought they 'knew s/he was the one' and found out it later crashed and burned. Sometimes it turns out to be the one. Other people take longer to realize it and then it turns out to be 'the one'. There is no set schedule for these things.

 

I knew two older couples who were married a long time. One couple 'knew right away' and the other couple took some time to figure it out. Both were devoted couples for many years. So don't brush a perfectly good human off just because you didn't get that 's/he's the one' feeling right off the bat. Similarly, even though you do have that feeling, give yourself some time to figure out if it's real.

[Thinkalot]

Within months of meeting my fiance I thought he was "the one". It was a gut feeling, a deep connection I felt with him etc. Hopefully I am right! But in marriage, as in life, there are no certainties, and I do realise that. I will walk forward full of hope and positive thinking though.

 

I think it's true, some people instantly gel, others take more time. Sometimes chemistry and lust can also confuse things for a while..lol!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

After a few dates I really liked that he was really different. His friends all lived on their own and I was new to that. He had some very eclectic friends as well. Then after getting to know him, I realized he was a small town boy at heart, the kind of guy I actually had always dreamed of marrying all my life.

[guest]

but you cheated on him? just looking at your nickname and wondering.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

ha you're perceptive. He is a great guy. I'm the one who doesn't deserve him. I have my way of dealing with things and have made some questionable choices, but in the end, I think I have made the right decision for me. I had a wonderful 15 years and two great kids with him. You can't predict what the future holds.

[latesleeper]

I think it'd different for different people.

I had so many scars that it took me about four years before I felt yes, I want to be with him for good.

For my H, I think he decided I was the one within a year of our knowing each other.

I also wondered -- how do people know? I tried to assess my "gut feeling", "you just know" and etc. and found that they didn't apply to me... at that time... But four years later, the "gut feeling" I was looking for became "yes."

So, you take your time, think and assess with your mind, and feel with your heart and guts. And despite what other people say (especially mothers), just take as much time as you need! After all, you're unique, and your relationship is unique, so how and when "yes" happens would also be unique.

[RecordProducer]

You never know! LOL

Some day you will "know" that you found the right one. And he still might not be the one. You can be unsure after years or be sure after a few days after you met him. Give yourself some time. The fact that he acts like he wants to marry you doesn't mean he will. But he is most likely in love with you already and you are not. It's all normal. When you fall in love for real, you will want to get married.

[Groovy]

Thanks for your replies:) He's been sending me flowers at work and is so nice to me all the time, willing to do anything. I figure if he loves me he will wait. Some people have said he is weird for feeling this way so quickly but in talking to others it seems his feelings are quite normal.....many people know right away. I am waiting in case it's all a passing stage of infatuation that happens when so many people start out. He told me he loved me 2 weeks ago and I didn't answer back. I feel bad but I think I am getting ready to say it and mean it.

 

I had a dream I lost him from an accident and it upset me. I can't deny I care He's not the best looking guy I have ever dated (not bad looking either) but I think the best personality, especially for me. He anchors me in a nice way and I feel safe (emotionally) and like I am a better person.

 

It's been 10 years or so since I felt this way. Part of me would love to stay single where I make no compromise and get freedom with no limits. But part of me would love to have him there each night.