I don't get it.

[peaksandvalleys]

I have a hard time reading that a BS should never be told. I am one of those people who wasn't told. Years, years that I can never get back. My health at risk. I don't why telling a BS would equal anymore destroying than exposing them to diseases, crazy AP or the ability to move their life in a direction other than the one dictated by the WS and AP with their silence. My ex is a fool. He played me for a fool. His AP is not only foolish but a thief, a manipulator and several other names that I will keep to myself. But why should they have the luxury of destroying so many people without having to face the pain of those people.

 

I am not one who believes that people do NOT tell to spare the BS. I think that is lie that they tell to spare themselves the inconvenience of dealing with the pain they cause. I know that I am still very angry even though I had the outcome I desired. Watching my children hurt and struggle. Knowing her family hurts and struggles. I just don't understand the "do not tell the BS" mentality.

[No Limit]

This mentality serves wayward folk quite well.

 

Probably the best benefits are:

 

1.) They don't have to face any consequences (as long as the BS never finds out)

2.) They might as well keep their AP/ONS whenever they want

3.) They don't "hurt" their partner ()

4.) Their guilt - if they feel any - doesn't increase by watching the BS cry etc

 

Hiding is the best way to avoid any inconveniences. Makes it a hundred times worse though if they don't hide well enough.

[BetrayedH]

I find it quite remarkable that if anyone would know how painful it is for a BS to discover an affair, it's still the BSs that are in favor of the telling (there are a few rare exceptions). You'd think that those with intimate, first-hand knowledge of the pain would be the ones to discourage such a thing. But by and large, it's the people that have been through it that understand that as painful as it might be, there is an urgent need for the truth to be absorbed and processed so that an informed decision can be made about, just as you said, years of their life.

 

I also think it's remarkable that the people that have been the perpetrators of such betrayals are suddenly so concerned about protecting the BS. Hmm.

[RightThere]

Although I am a BS as well and feel I deserved to know, I do believe there are situations where telling the BS does more damage than good.

 

If it's a one night stand, or a short fling that occurred years ago, sometimes telling that truth could destroy years of marriage based on one forgotten event. If the WS has been outstanding in the meantime, hard to say that the truth is the best option there.

 

And maybe if my WS had just a ONS, maybe leaving it in the past would have been OK. But long, drawn out betrayals and lies, I deserve to know not only the truth, but also that I wasn't crazy those years I knew something was wrong.

[ForeverTainted]

I am going to reply as aWS so forgive me please.

 

If the affair is over. Or it wasa ONS. Ifthe behaviour hhas in the Ws mind been corrected. If they plan to never go down that path again I do see not confessing being not purely selfish. Just because you did an action that says you didn't care about your SO doesn't mean you don't now care or maybe you were in denial about how truly terrible your deed was. But, I don't agree with taking it to the grave though many people (BS included) do. Just doesn't seem like a good foundation to a relationship. But I am not going to blanket everyone who does not confess as their motives being purely selfish. Because misguided doesn't mean selfish.

 

Now if we are talking on ongoing affair or on again of again or repeated ONS then I would say it is because why confess and lose your cake?

 

If we are talking a third party discloseing I would say each situation is unique and no black or white. Personally, If I found out about an ongoing affair or cheating and I had proof I would tell the BS. If I learned of a past indescretion that was over it would depend on my relationship to the Bs.

[fellini]

I have a hard time reading that a BS should never be told.

 

Well, let's see what we know we have in LS:

 

1. "a BS should never be told." (This is a complete exaggeration. Never ever read ever in LS or anywhere else that a BS should never be told.)

 

2. There are BS's (myself included) who believe that under certain circumstances, it is not always necessary under all situations to tell the BS. Or as has been said. There are some situations in which a WS might not tell their spouse. If you have a hard time believing this is possible then there is no real point in discussing the topic.

 

3. There are BS's (some very active here in LS still) who insist that there is never a situation in which a BS should not be told.

 

I have never seen case 1, but I have seen case 3, and they both seem to me to be obvious exaggerations.

 

Case 2 is met (at least, in LS) with nothing but abuse, disdain, accusations of rug sweeping, and general disregard for the pain and suffering of BS's that to admit this position is to "invite" nothing but personal attacks. To try to defend this position is to merely have people tell you are a "fake" BS.

[goodyblue]

I'm a FOW. I generally say don't tell. The reasons I say this are many. One was evidenced today by my guy's ex wife. They are divorced. She knew there was an affair, but really doesn't know how long or what it entailed. He's tried to tell her the facts and he left right after Dday. But now, no matter what he says, she doesn't believe him about the affair, she causes all sorts of problems and has become steadily crazier. I know, I know, she's been hurt, and I agree. But it's been years. She is refusing to move forward at all in her life and it's is only hurting her. We've moved on.

 

She's going to end up arrested if she doesn't stop it. She's gone from believing the affair was only texting to a ten year relationship with my children being his. None of this is true, but she refuses to believe anything else.

 

Today she had to go into his office to drop off paperwork and then, in the hall of his office, began screaming at him about my children, accusing him of being their father. Calling him and me all kinds of names, got in his face, shoved him several times, and butted her chest into his. He stood and took it. Did he deserve this? No. There's not ever a reason to physically assault someone. He probably deserved the yelling, but at the time, not years later. This is the third incidence of this and if it happens again, she's going to jail.

 

She's become obsessed with our relationship and will not try to heal. I mean that sincerely. She refuses to even try. She's happy to sit and be angry. And drink. And get angrier. And drink more. And send hundreds of emails. And drink.

 

If she hadn't found out, it would have been a divorce because they no longer had a connection. They would have been divorced because there'd been no intimacy for 12 years. They would have been divorced because he didn't love her any more. Since she has found out, she is a saint, and he is the devil, which is ridiculous. Affairs are wrong, but they are not the cause of all the problems in the marriage.

 

So, even though the affair was wrong, it's over. But not for her. Never for her.

 

I'm sure there are cases when someone should be told, but generally, I say no.

Edited August 13, 2014 by goodyblue

[HereNorThere]

When you don't tell someone something that important about their life, it's not much different than continually cheating on them because you have to spend the rest of your life lying to them. As with everything, there are exceptions to this rule (like doing something stupid before you were engaged, etc) but for the most part, your whole life will be based on a lie if you continue to lie.

 

Another exception is the "head in the sand spouse". Some people are deniers because the truth is too painful to deal with. You see this a lot with ultra religious fanatics and the like.

 

Morally, telling the truth is the right thing to do, but you are asking a cheater to do the right thing. Obviously they aren't going to inconvenience themselves and tell the truth, they couldn't even be bothered by not having sex with other people.

[TheBladeRunner]

I'm a FOW. I generally say don't tell. The reasons I say this are many. One was evidenced today by my guy's ex wife. They are divorced. She knew there was an affair, but really doesn't know how long or what it entailed. He's tried to tell her the facts and he left right after Dday. But now, no matter what he says, she doesn't believe him about the affair, she causes all sorts of problems and has become steadily crazier. I know, I know, she's been hurt, and I agree. But it's been years. She is refusing to move forward at all in her life and it's is only hurting her. We've moved on.

 

She's going to end up arrested if she doesn't stop it. She's gone from believing the affair was only texting to a ten year relationship with my children being his. None of this is true, but she refuses to believe anything else.

 

Today she had to go into his office to drop off paperwork and then, in the hall of his office, began screaming at him about my children, accusing him of being their father. Calling him and me all kinds of names, got in his face, shoved him several times, and butted her chest into his. He stood and took it. Did he deserve this? No. There's not ever a reason to physically assault someone. He probably deserved the yelling, but at the time, not years later. This is the third incidence of this and if it happens again, she's going to jail.

 

She's become obsessed with our relationship and will not try to heal. I mean that sincerely. She refuses to even try. She's happy to sit and be angry. And drink. And get angrier. And drink more. And send hundreds of emails. And drink.

 

If she hadn't found out, it would have been a divorce because they no longer had a connection. They would have been divorced because there'd been no intimacy for 12 years. They would have been divorced because he didn't love her any more. Since she has found out, she is a saint, and he is the devil, which is ridiculous. Affairs are wrong, but they are not the cause of all the problems in the marriage.

 

So, even though the affair was wrong, it's over. But not for her. Never for her.

 

I'm sure there are cases when someone should be told, but generally, I say no.

 

Being the OW....I'm sure you would say no. Even a serial killer finds a way to justify what they do to make it OK.

[goodyblue]

Being the OW....I'm sure you would say no. Even a serial killer finds a way to justify what they do to make it OK.

 

I don't have to justify anything. For us it was a means to an end and it worked out well for us. I feel bad for his ex. I wish we hadn't started as an affair. But we did and there is no fixing that now.

 

I'm just saying, sometimes it's best to be quiet.

[HereNorThere]

I don't have to justify anything. For us it was a means to an end and it worked out well for us. I feel bad for his ex. I wish we hadn't started as an affair. But we did and there is no fixing that now.

 

I'm just saying, sometimes it's best to be quiet.

 

 

If you were on the other side of the fence and married in a long term relationship, would you want to be told or would it be ok for your partner to lie to you and have another girlfriend on the side? Would it bother you if you possibly received this unknown stranger's bodily fluids from time to time?

[goodyblue]

If you were on the other side of the fence and married in a long term relationship, would you want to be told or would it be ok for your partner to lie to you and have another girlfriend on the side?

 

 

I honestly couldn't say. I'm just saying, as an OW, this is how I feel. I don't know how I would feel if it was the other way round. Of course, like all of you, I would hope he'd just leave first. But life doesn't always work that way.

[TheBladeRunner]

I don't have to justify anything. For us it was a means to an end and it worked out well for us. I feel bad for his ex. I wish we hadn't started as an affair. But we did and there is no fixing that now.

 

I'm just saying, sometimes it's best to be quiet.

 

You "felt bad"?.....Did you know he was married when you started? Justify it all you want, whatever makes you feel better and be able to sleep at night. I guess you can justify anything these days. Your MM coming clean is huge IMO, for him to hide it wouls make him a total coward. You make a choice, you need to own up to it.....not justify it like you are doing. You act is if his betrayed wife should be OK with it......I won't say anymore

[goodyblue]

You "felt bad"?.....Did you know he was married when you started? Justify it all you want, whatever makes you feel better and be able to sleep at night. I guess you can justify anything these days. Your MM coming clean is huge IMO, for him to hide it wouls make him a total coward. You make a choice, you need to own up to it.....not justify it like you are doing. You act is if his betrayed wife should be OK with it......I won't say anymore

 

Peaks asked a question. I was explaining my view. I didn't ask for you to attack me personally. Move along.

[Snowflower]

I'm a FOW. I generally say don't tell. The reasons I say this are many. One was evidenced today by my guy's ex wife. They are divorced. She knew there was an affair, but really doesn't know how long or what it entailed. He's tried to tell her the facts and he left right after Dday. But now, no matter what he says, she doesn't believe him about the affair, she causes all sorts of problems and has become steadily crazier. I know, I know, she's been hurt, and I agree. But it's been years. She is refusing to move forward at all in her life and it's is only hurting her. We've moved on.

 

She's going to end up arrested if she doesn't stop it. She's gone from believing the affair was only texting to a ten year relationship with my children being his. None of this is true, but she refuses to believe anything else.

 

Today she had to go into his office to drop off paperwork and then, in the hall of his office, began screaming at him about my children, accusing him of being their father. Calling him and me all kinds of names, got in his face, shoved him several times, and butted her chest into his. He stood and took it. Did he deserve this? No. There's not ever a reason to physically assault someone. He probably deserved the yelling, but at the time, not years later. This is the third incidence of this and if it happens again, she's going to jail.

 

She's become obsessed with our relationship and will not try to heal. I mean that sincerely. She refuses to even try. She's happy to sit and be angry. And drink. And get angrier. And drink more. And send hundreds of emails. And drink.

 

If she hadn't found out, it would have been a divorce because they no longer had a connection. They would have been divorced because there'd been no intimacy for 12 years. They would have been divorced because he didn't love her any more. Since she has found out, she is a saint, and he is the devil, which is ridiculous. Affairs are wrong, but they are not the cause of all the problems in the marriage.

 

So, even though the affair was wrong, it's over. But not for her. Never for her.

 

I'm sure there are cases when someone should be told, but generally, I say no.

 

Thank you for sharing this perspective on the topic from the viewpoint of an OW.

 

Do you think the BW's reactions in your situation are a bit out-of-the-norm? Think about all the BSs here who have posted over the time you have been on LS...most of them don't seem as out of control as the BW that you describe.

 

I guess I'm saying that just because in your situation telling the BS went bad, doesn't mean that it is the norm or that it should apply to everyone.

 

I always say it isn't the telling that is the problem but having the actual affair that causes the problem and subsequent damage.

[goodyblue]

Thank you for sharing this perspective on the topic from the viewpoint of an OW.

 

Do you think the BW's reactions in your situation are a bit out-of-the-norm? Think about all the BSs here who have posted over the time you have been on LS...most of them don't seem as out of control as the BW that you describe.

 

I guess I'm saying that just because in your situation telling the BS went bad, doesn't mean that it is the norm or that it should apply to everyone.

 

I always say it isn't the telling that is the problem but having the actual affair that causes the problem and subsequent damage.

 

I do understand this. But, the damage had been done. We couldn't go back. We couldn't undo the affair. But we could have spared her this misery two years down the line if she didn't know.

 

I do understand that most BS's here say they wanted to know, and I do understand their reasoning to a point. But there are so many facets to the answer. Would you want to know if he left? Would you want to know if he stayed? If he stayed and was a million times more attentive, more loving husband? If he was a jerk face and stayed? If it was ONS? If was a serial cheater? If he didn't sleep with you during the affair?

 

I guess my post may have seemed as though I am upset that she is putting us out or something with her actions. It's not that. It's that she is hurting herself. And for that I'm sad. I hold myself responsible for the damage caused to her by the affair, to a point. But there comes a time when a one needs to take responsibility for their actions. That doesn't just include WS and OW. It also includes BS.

 

And to answer your question... I honestly don't know if it's out of the norm. I've seen it run the gamut. That's another reason I say don't tell, usually. You never know if you will be the one to get a crazy BS. I'm not saying BS doesn't have a right to be upset, but I don't think anyone has a right to be a nutbag. If they are, they need to be seeing someone.

[Spark1111]

I'm with Peaks.

 

I find it cowardly, self-protective and manipulative.

 

the time to tell the spouse is when you are beginning to develop a strong attraction to another.

 

That's what they do in the strongest relationships. Imagine that?

 

The options are separation, counseling and allowing your spouse to date others too. Or, instituting boundaries that stop the attraction in its tracks. Or instituting boundaries to preserve and protect the marriage.

 

But to lie and sneak and cheat is just so destructive. To end up with your AP or another is even worse.

 

What did you learn? What will you do when in a new relationship you, once again feel a strong attraction to another?

 

Lie and sneak and cheat so as to once again protect your SO's feelings?

 

It's just bad, bad form. And cowardly too.

[goodyblue]

I'm with Peaks.

 

I find it cowardly, self-protective and manipulative.

 

the time to tell the spouse is when you are beginning to develop a strong attraction to another.

 

That's what they do in the strongest relationships. Imagine that?

 

The options are separation, counseling and allowing your spouse to date others too. Or, instituting boundaries that stop the attraction in its tracks. Or instituting boundaries to preserve and protect the marriage.

 

But to lie and sneak and cheat is just so destructive. To end up with your AP or another is even worse.

 

What did you learn? What will you do when in a new relationship you, once again feel a strong attraction to another?

 

Lie and sneak and cheat so as to once again protect your SO's feelings?

 

It's just bad, bad form. And cowardly too.

 

I don't disagree with this. But once it's done, it's done. If he had left and not told her, she would have healed more easily and could have chalked it up to falling out of love. Now, it's all about how he cheated. I truly believe if there hadn't been a huge disconnect between them, it would never have happened. I didn't used to feel guilty about this. I am realizing how destructive it is. But I do waffle because I don't believe he would have had the courage to leave without me and we are very happy. Selfish, I know. Don't beat me up for it. I've been beat up enough and I'm trying to be as honest as I can.

[Spark1111]

I honestly couldn't say. I'm just saying, as an OW, this is how I feel. I don't know how I would feel if it was the other way round. Of course, like all of you, I would hope he'd just leave first. But life doesn't always work that way.

 

Goody, this almost sounds like you would be resigned to it because life is unfair.

 

Did your MM leave his wife before having sex with you?

 

How long did he remain married while having an affair with you?

 

You say he tried to tell her? Are you sure of that?

 

Because crazy comes from Gaslighting and being LIED to for a very long time....and believing those lies with your whole heart.

 

Be careful here....If he could not confront problems in that relationship and avoided conflict by lying, omitting or minimizing....He has some work still to do.

[HereNorThere]

I don't disagree with this. But once it's done, it's done. If he had left and not told her, she would have healed more easily and could have chalked it up to falling out of love. Now, it's all about how he cheated. I truly believe if there hadn't been a huge disconnect between them, it would never have happened. I didn't used to feel guilty about this. I am realizing how destructive it is. But I do waffle because I don't believe he would have had the courage to leave without me and we are very happy. Selfish, I know. Don't beat me up for it. I've been beat up enough and I'm trying to be as honest as I can.

 

Well, you did marry a cheater, so the probability is high that one day you'll get to experience this yourself. Cheating doesn't follow particular situations, it follows the cheater. Just as you two are very happy now, I'm sure him and his ex-wife were as well at one point. I mean, they did get married, right? Do you think she would have been as upset if she wasn't in love with him or is it more likely he downplayed their relationship to you?

 

Don't worry, it won't be cheating when he does it; that's just how he breaks up. Nothing to take personally and hopefully he conceals it well enough that you think that you two just fell out of love.

[Spark1111]

I don't disagree with this. But once it's done, it's done. If he had left and not told her, she would have healed more easily and could have chalked it up to falling out of love. Now, it's all about how he cheated. I truly believe if there hadn't been a huge disconnect between them, it would never have happened. I didn't used to feel guilty about this. I am realizing how destructive it is. But I do waffle because I don't believe he would have had the courage to leave without me and we are very happy. Selfish, I know. Don't beat me up for it. I've been beat up enough and I'm trying to be as honest as I can.

 

I appreciate your honesty. She still may have suspected.

 

I stand by my point: The time to tell the spouse is when you want to pursue an attraction to another.

 

Still painful, but honest.

 

It's the lies that kill the soul and the psyche. that's what betrayal does.

[goodyblue]

Goody, this almost sounds like you would be resigned to it because life is unfair.

 

Did your MM leave his wife before having sex with you?

 

How long did he remain married while having an affair with you?

 

You say he tried to tell her? Are you sure of that?

 

Because crazy comes from Gaslighting and being LIED to for a very long time....and believing those lies with your whole heart.

 

Be careful here....If he could not confront problems in that relationship and avoided conflict by lying, omitting or minimizing....He has some work still to do.

 

I am not resigned to anything Spark. I trust my guy. He was married thirty years, they hadn't been intimate for 12 of those. This was his only affair. I know this to be true, as we have been friends for 20 years. He never did gaslight her. What we did do was have a short term affair, less than a year, and he was following a timeline to leave the marriage that we had set because I didn't want to be OW. She found his cell phone that he used to talk with me, he admitted the affair and left. I do understand your point about lying, but the truth was, he never had to lie to her. She never suspected a thing because they lived separate lives. If he hadn't said anything and left two days before, she would never have known a thing.

 

I do realize this sounds like an excuse. It isn't. I truly wish he'd just left first. We were weak and stupid and in love.

 

There has been therapy both together and separate on our end. She refuses to do anything. Just hold the anger. I suppose that is her prerogative but I feel sorry for her for doing that.

 

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. Peaks just asked a question and I answered as best as I could.

[goodyblue]

I appreciate your honesty. She still may have suspected.

 

I stand by my point: The time to tell the spouse is when you want to pursue an attraction to another.

 

Still painful, but honest.

 

It's the lies that kill the soul and the psyche. that's what betrayal does.

 

Agreed. You'll remember, I hated her. Thought her stupid. Was rude about her. Now I just feel sorry for her. TBH, they should have just ended the marriage years ago.

 

The one thing that does bother me is that I won't be paying for an indiscretion for the rest of my life because their marriage was a mess. I made a mistake. I've done all I can to remedy it. I've moved on and I'm happy in my life.

 

I wish she would too. I wish she'd find someone with whom she had chemistry and love. I don't wish this so that I will feel better. I wish it for her. I'm going to be okay either way.

[goodyblue]

Well, you did marry a cheater, so the probability is high that one day you'll get to experience this yourself. Cheating doesn't follow particular situations, it follows the cheater. Just as you two are very happy now, I'm sure him and his ex-wife were as well at one point. I mean, they did get married, right? Do you think she would have been as upset if she wasn't in love with him or is it more likely he downplayed their relationship to you?

 

Don't worry, it won't be cheating when he does it; that's just how he breaks up. Nothing to take personally and hopefully he conceals it well enough that you think that you two just fell out of love.

 

I was simply answering Peaks question as honestly as I could. You don't need to attack me personally. He stayed with a person he didn't love for twelve years longer than he should have. If I get thirty years with him, I'll chance it, because we are a better match.

[ForeverTainted]

I don't think the chance of a crazy BS should stop honesty. Obviously she asked and it is good he answered. What would you want? Him to have lied.

 

Unless after a ltr the Ws keeps the Ap (if indeed it is the case of an exit affair or the Ws decides they want the AP more) secret for a year any BS is going to put two and two together. So being up front and honest will make a bad situation better. Now if there was an affair. And then a seperation. And the affair was over never to resume. I don't think the exWS should confess and add insult to injury unless the BS asks. If you are asked be honest. But if your marriage is over then why add that on.