Ailsa1983 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Most of you know my story if not here's a recap myself and mm entered a 1+ ur affair it was very intense, d-day occurred and all hell broke loose, lots of drama and lots of pain. I got divorced immediately after and mm decided to work on his marriage. Today I got a message from his wife saying "well you will be happy to learn that we are getting divorced, you and him deserve each other, I will take everything from him and leave him with nothing" Considering I have let them be for over a year with limited contacted with xMM I'm very confused about the text and even more so confused that my mind frame and emotions have quickly resurfaced, I'm feeling very anxious for some reason. I don't know why I'm even writing this I'm just confused after trying so hard to work on myself and overcome the deep depression after d-day I'm suddenly back there, wanting him to get in touch, not eating or sleeping again. Why did she tell me this ? It's over it was over a long time ago, I was finally beginning to live my life with no thoughts of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 She told you because you had an affair with her husband. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 She may think your limited contact still crosses her healthy boundary. In your other thread from Feb you also stated that occasionally you've still had sex with her husband. She's probably sick of it and figures you may want her cast off. I hope you will not accept any contact from him. I hope you will move forward and find happiness with someone who treats you as their top priority. Never settle! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 It might have been over for you a long time ago but for them and their marriage, it was far from over hence her contact with you. She's probably gone through hell this past year and in her eyes you are at least part of the reason why. For those marriages that do successfully reconcile, it takes a good 2-5 years to get there so they were a long way off that and sadly not able to make it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted August 13, 2014 Author Share Posted August 13, 2014 She may think your limited contact still crosses her healthy boundary. In your other thread from Feb you also stated that occasionally you've still had sex with her husband. She's probably sick of it and figures you may want her cast off. I hope you will not accept any contact from him. I hope you will move forward and find happiness with someone who treats you as their top priority. Never settle! Yes we had sex but that was not long after d-day when emotions were still high, we haven't been in contact for a long long time now and she never knew about the limited contact (which he initiated until I changed my number) I was seeing another guy but I split with him as I felt I wasn't quite ready to settle or begin a serious relationship. The last I heard from him was after the bar brawl he asked me how I was and I told him to leave me alone. Even before then it was months since I heard from him. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Yes we had sex but that was not long after d-day when emotions were still high, we haven't been in contact for a long long time now and she never knew about the limited contact (which he initiated until I changed my number) I was seeing another guy but I split with him as I felt I wasn't quite ready to settle or begin a serious relationship. The last I heard from him was after the bar brawl he asked me how I was and I told him to leave me alone. Even before then it was months since I heard from him. I'm sure ANY contact with you was hurtful to her. You may think she doesn't know - but it's usually that gut feeling that's undeniable. Give her a little credit, eh? I say good for her getting rid of a known liar and cheater! I hope you never go backwards by communicating with him! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Peacock_Tail Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Don't answer her. Who is she to tell you who you deserve to be with? You didn't rape him or forced him at all. She sounds like a really vindictive person so it's better to stay away from her and block her. Also with him, but for other reasons. A healthy, clean, trustful start with someone new. Good luck to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Most of you know my story if not here's a recap myself and mm entered a 1+ ur affair it was very intense, d-day occurred and all hell broke loose, lots of drama and lots of pain. I got divorced immediately after and mm decided to work on his marriage. Today I got a message from his wife saying "well you will be happy to learn that we are getting divorced, you and him deserve each other, I will take everything from him and leave him with nothing" Considering I have let them be for over a year with limited contacted with xMM I'm very confused about the text and even more so confused that my mind frame and emotions have quickly resurfaced, I'm feeling very anxious for some reason. I don't know why I'm even writing this I'm just confused after trying so hard to work on myself and overcome the deep depression after d-day I'm suddenly back there, wanting him to get in touch, not eating or sleeping again. Why did she tell me this ? It's over it was over a long time ago, I was finally beginning to live my life with no thoughts of him. Then just ignore it and go on with your life. Forget him and don't contact him. If he contacts you, tell him you wish him well but to not call you again. She probably thought it wasn't over between you two (maybe he is seeing someone else and she thought he was still with you) which is why she is done and said you can have him to yourself. I really hope you don't react to the stirred up feelings you're having now. When you think about it, nothing has changed - You've healed and gone on with your life - Why open that door again? He didn't choose you a year ago, so why take him back. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 I'm not going to tell you what you should do except to say do nothing for 48 hours. Give it that time. Then, maybe you'll see which direction to take. Just hold off. Hang in there. I am sorry that she's drug you into their relationship when you stepped out a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 Im thinking his wife assumed he would be reaching out to you so she just did it first. Of course its hurtful for everyone... Some of the responses...Im not sure... You stepped away and moved on because he was still married and unavailable. Being in contact now is your perogative I dont agree you should have to stay away now... The only thing immediately is hes gotta sort it out and heal and I wouldn't want to date him until the drama and immediate after math has been cleared. If you still love him I would still let him approach you first. His mind is clouded. You may appear to be someone who can rescue him as far as where to live, where to turn and to help him recover. Hes gotta come to a place on his own as to saying..."Im ready" He may not. If he doesnt your already well on your way without him, but dont respond to her and don't approach him. It will work out as it should. Send her sympathy and empathy in your mind and heart quietly I believe people still receive that. Dont hate her or feel bitter. She was the innocent one. You may not have intended to hurt her so try and understand her wrath and just stay clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Thanks for responses I can't go back I just can't, after a year of serious IC, anti-depressants and anxiety meds it's not worth it. I have just in recent weeks came off all medicines and built an even more fantastic relationship with my young children I can't go back to that hell I was in before. He hasn't of yet contacted me but I expect he will, no I don't believe he was seeing anyone else he will be very confused and hurt right now but that's not my problem I can't heal him or even be a friend to him as much as I'm yearning to call out to him. I wish she hadn't contacted me I didn't want to know this I didn't want the drama to restart up again and I fear now they have separated the locals will have a field day stirring everything back up. I can't go back to that dark place I don't think I could survive it again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Maybe he won't contact you. Let's hope for that... There's a good chance he's having an affair with someone else and she thought it was you, hence her words and what she said about divorcing him and taking everything. That anger is all about him and what he's done to her. She's had enough. I'm happy to read that you aren't interested in getting back with him. You've come a long way and as you said, all that you went through, the suffering, anxiety etc., isn't worth going through again. Change your email address if you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ailsa1983 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Well it has started again my father called me this morning asking if I was with Xmm last night as the gossips have been talking saying he was seen at my house last evening. I told him he wasn't and started crying, my father is going to stay with us for a few nights and help me get through this. He has asked to book me and my kids a 2 week holiday to get away till things calm down. He thinks his wife will be at my home tonight after the vicious rumours. My father said that Xmm wasn't having another affair but they couldn't handle the pressure at home anymore so they decided to divorce. He is angry at his wife for contacting me when my father has already told her numerous times not to, I told him I understood why she did but he is still mad that after everything and all the apologies, public humiliations and confrontations that I've learned my lesson and it needs to stop now, my dad seen me at my worse he was so scared I would do something stupid as I was in hell for months after d-day, everytime I picked myself up his wife would suddenly lash out and restart the drama. Again I'm not blaming her I understand the hurt I have caused her but I think after all this time I at least deserve some peace. I was planning on moving out or small town but my kids are happy at school and all their friends are close by, as with my family who have been amazing these last few years. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 From your writing its clear you know what you should do but I get that even doing right by you has its drama and pit falls because of everything swirling around you- If you can get away for 2 weeks that would be huge- gossip has a short shelf life if its not fed- Do what you can day by day to keep it all at bay while you wrap your head around all of it- Good luck- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Again I'm not blaming her I understand the hurt I have caused her but I think after all this time I at least deserve some peace. I was planning on moving out or small town but my kids are happy at school and all their friends are close by, as with my family who have been amazing these last few years. She is simply venting after a very long and frustrating experience with her husband. I am not one who thinks that people should suffer the rest of their lives because of serious lapses in judgment (having an affair is a severe lapse of judgment), but she may always see you as an adversary. Much like you see the xMM as adversarial in your life now. This does not have to set your healing back - unless you let it. We can never control what other people think about us or how they respond - We can only control our own response. The choices we make can have long lasting consequences. We tend to overlook that fact when caught up in our own selfishness. Thank God for His mercy and loving kindness. Without that, I don't know how I would have overcome my own "severe lapse of judgments". My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 I would say go on your vacation to get away and let things calm down. Time will tell her that you are no longer interested in her H when she sees that you two are not seeing each other or together. Just keep keeping on and don't see or talk to him. Everyone will get the message, including him. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Your dad sounds like a great guy. Treasure that support. I agree that a two week away vaca sounds great, no matter how you look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Don't answer her. Who is she to tell you who you deserve to be with? You didn't rape him or forced him at all. She sounds like a really vindictive person so it's better to stay away from her and block her. Also with him, but for other reasons. A healthy, clean, trustful start with someone new. Good luck to you! Vindictive towards the woman who was having an affair with her husband? Yeah, she should be over it and not be angry or upset that someone chose to have an affair with her spouse. Maybe HE told her YOU were in contact? Maybe HE ...lied to her and said you were pursuing him? Who knows! But to say a wife is vindictive because she sent an email to the mistress saying she was divorcing her husband? OP, go on vacation. Also tell your dad to stop talking to them. Tell him to let it go. You have worked on yourself and healed yourself...time to put to use what you have learned. Stand up for yourself and work through this. Go on vacation and enjoy the time with your kids. This will die down. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 This too shall pass. I commend you for not wanting to go back. I think it's the healthy thing to do, given all you've explained. Right now, I think you should do nothing, nothing at all, and just pretend like she never called. Block the whole thing out and go on with your life. Like I said, this too shall pass and she will have nothing to grasp onto and keep this drama going, if you never contact him or her. It will all die down probably soon and you can live your normal life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 His future ex-wife told you that because you're still an element in the marriage. Why wouldn't you want to have a relationship with him now that it could be an open and honest one? Did you ever want that with him? Was he a bad guy? And why have you been so depressed -- because you miss him, or because he mistreated you? Link to post Share on other sites
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