Girlfriend going astray, or losing trust in our relationship?

[plastiswafers]

I met "A" 11 months ago while I was couchsurfing at her house in Atlanta. I had been engaged to my childhood sweetheart of 7 years, and had recently broken it off when I met her. We stayed up all night writing songs and talking about life. I was in love with her from the start. It felt like a movie. It was the thrill of travel, music, change, life. She was an incredible singer and I was a guitar player. Everything was new and exciting. I spent one passionately charged week with her before bussing out to California, determined to meet the rest of journey. I thought about her everyday over the next several weeks. She was all I could think about, even if I tried to engage in my new surroundings. I was in love with my life, but I just wanted to be with her. She flew out to San Francisco, and we traveled all the way back to my home state, in love and looking toward the future. We held off for weeks before "dating" because we knew the pitfalls of codependency and weren't sure if this was something long term that ought to be pursued. I didn't know if it was, but I loved being with her every day I woke up, so I just followed that short term feeling. Back at home, she joined my musical group as the singer. She moved into our house with my group of friends. We shared one room together. Flash forward to today, we have moved out of that house into our own place, and after 11 months the thrill has faded away. I'm still infatuated with her, however I feel that her exuberant, passionate personality engages a wider variety of people on a level perhaps bordering sexual and flirtacious, guised as friendliness. I'm naturally more introverted, perhaps even more so when I'm in public around her because she draws all attention in the room to her. She's started asserting herself more as a person in my home state with a new job and friends of her own. Our music group, which had recently gone on tour and been very successful has now broken up, and she's looking for new outlets to express herself. We had both already decided to pursue music, together while we can, but I realize the limitations and believe perhaps we're very incompatible to work together and realize all of each other's dreams.

 

She went over to a guy friend's house from work a couple of weeks ago at midnight. Let me state that he's 19, she is 26. I didn't inquire suspiciously, or even ask because I knew that we had been bordering on co-dependency, something we had sworn against. When we met we agreed to always have our separate lives, together. But now she's working with music with a new man, and wants to keep doing so. Given that our relationship was forged in that way, I feel self very weird about it. She told me the other day that she could see how he likes her. She swore however it was a one way street, and that I had nothing to worry about. I tried to swallow it. But I couldn't. I gave in and read her diary, where she said "what I didn't tell [me] was that I really like him [the guy]." She wrote a few other things about how she was feeling urges to cheat on me while she was there. I confronted her, not in a productive way mind you, and essentially was trying to mind **** her to scare her that I would break up with her if she continued this. So she told a half truth to be able to continue the relationship with me, and I devalued her trust by going through her stuff. She says she just thinks he's attractive, and that's okay I suppose. She says her journal is just a landfill where she can dump all of her thoughts, and not necessarily judge herself for them, just to clear the air. I can relate to that, I journal frequently. My concerns however were not validated apparently because she's now telling me two nights ago she's going to go over to his house at midnight to work on music. I feel very confused, is she going astray? Or are we just losing the trust that we built our relationship on.

 

Since this event, I've hung out around her with this guy. He was friendly toward me, and my girlfriend was affectionate and kissing me, holding me in front of him. He acknowledged our relationship. But I wouldn't say we are friends.

 

Part of me wants to give her more rope, so she wants me more. Part of me wants to tell her I'm not comfortable with her maintaining that kind of hanging-out-alone relationship with a guy that likes her, and she likes him. And has sexual thoughts about him. She says it was just a passing thing one time and she doesn't even care about him like that. I don't know what to believe.

I don't want to stifle her progress of her career because I truly love her as a human being, and I don't want to hold each other back from living fulfilled, happy lives.

 

Is this the end of the road? Or just an opportunity to rebuild trust?

 

Help

[lolablue17]

You should look at the bigger picture here.

 

This is how she chooses to live. If it's not this guy, it'll be a different guy. She will always have guys in her life who will like her and she'll want to go to their house at midnight to work \ play music \ study \ Ect... You'll always have that dilemma.

 

So I think you should ask yourself whether you cooperate with it without letting her feel bad about it, or break up with her.

 

The third option of trying to set new boundaries is not recommended because it will never work for the long run.

[todreaminblue]

i am the type of woman who will always stay in the relationship work it out, be honest dont play games if something makes you uncomfortable say so......i understand her passion for music.....i am passionate about music but the relationship between you and her has to take precedence, so midnight jaunts at guys houses she is attracted to and who likes her is out.

 

i understand the writing thing, i write when i need to get something out of my head i write for pleasure but i also write what i need that isnt good for me to hold on to.....

 

when i was in a fifteen year relationship there were times i got lonely and i started an emotional affair with a kind caring guy over the internet it was harmless at first....i enjoyed talking to him he liked the same types of music ....

 

i knew it was wrong because i could feel that it was progressing he asked em to come to a concert with him and i began to be secretive with my partner......which i am not good at keeping secrets from the guy i am with......so he could tell.....he asked me straight out who i was talking to .....and i told him ....and i stopped talking to the guy ....never went to that concert and i felt guilty because the guy really liked me.....that si the only time i consider myself to have cheated because i hid messages and i would shut down the computer...so obvious......just like it is obvious that if she doesnt stop seeing this guy(that she had to document feelings for) it is going to be a problem for you.......

 

 

i really hope you can work it out and whatever happens it is best for both of you...you cannot be uncomfortable and wondering you just cant, and she has to realize what is more important to her its the only way it would work out you two staying together.......best wishes....deb

[preraph]

I know a lot of musicians and music was the most important thing to the ones who were really serious. When that's the case, it changes the rules. If she's really serious, she may just go wherever the best thing for her music is. On top of that, she's very very young and not going to settle down anytime soon. I think you have to just not try to get a commitment from her and let her go. If she keeps coming back over time, then it might not be a conventional relationship, but you have a friend or more. Remember, if you ever go on tour, whoever you're with will have the same issues as you have now.

[No Limit]

The "passing one time thing" is a poor lie. No offense but you're getting closer to the end of the road in my opinion.

[smackie9]

Whoa whoa whoa you guys....what goes on in ones head is nobody"s business. What is in her diary wasn't YOUR business. Here's a reality check :people cheat in their minds, it's call fantasies and everyone has them. She can't help it if she's attracted to a guy, hell I'm sure there are other girls you are attracted to and would like to jump. But there is a difference between those who act upon it, and there are those who don't. The majority of people don't. Why she lied? Because she doesn't want to upset you, she is trying to pasify the situation before it gets exasperated. This is totally a normal reaction, and ya the majority of the population will do this. So stop getting your panties in a knot. You knew going in this is where she is going to spend most of her time...with music and creating it with other musicians. If you can't handle it, then just simply breakup with her and find someone who will have less independence, or more suitable expectations to your own. So don't be punishing her, or pouncing on her, just let her have her life and you move on with yours.

[GoBlue]

I don't know anyone who would be happy about their partner going over to another man's house at midnight to play music together. Especially when she has acknowledged that there is attraction there. When you mess with fire you usually get burned. There is a very wise passage found in a very wise book that says, "flee temptation." It doesn't say "resist", it doesn't say "entertain", it says "flee". Good common sense tells us that if you are susceptible to alcoholism you don't go hang out at a bar. Good common sense tells us if you are in a "committed relationship" you don't put yourself into situations where betrayal may take place. Will this be the end? Will new trust come out of it? Depends completely on how the two of you respond. Love, however, is exclusive in nature and does not entertain the idea of compromise.

[preraph]

When you're 19, you see people you're attracted to all the time. It's what you do about it that matters.

[smackie9]

Here I'll make it easy, just assume she is playing his skin flute and dump her.

[No Limit]

Whoa whoa whoa you guys....what goes on in ones head is nobody"s business. What is in her diary wasn't YOUR business. Here's a reality check :people cheat in their minds, it's call fantasies and everyone has them.

 

Goodness this isn't about her thinking "Hey, that guy looks really good!", but she's already having thoughts about cheating on her BF with him. If that's no red flag I don't know what is.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a bit odd to me. It sounds as though someone is using the excuse of avoiding co-dependency to do whatever they please. There is a huge difference between being co-dependent and having/respecting healthy boundaries in a relationship. I would never be okay with my partner spending the night with someone who's attracted to them, co-dependency and a passion for making music be damned. In my books, that is not acceptable. Stand up for yourself.

[smackie9]

Goodness this isn't about her thinking "Hey, that guy looks really good!", but she's already having thoughts about cheating on her BF with him. If that's no red flag I don't know what is.

 

 

It's no surprise....people have fantasies, it's not a crime. People should not be oblivious to what other's think about.

 

I can understand the need for the journal for some people. It helps clear out those bad thoughts, it's a method like venting your frustrations.

 

The OP just needs to address this with his GF and come to a conclusion where the changes need to be made. Obviously there is some neglect in the romance dept and things are stale, so OP better get on with it.

Edited August 15, 2014 by smackie9

[smackie9]

Old thread....