Dealing with guilt for leaving husband

[julianan]

Hello everyone! I have never posted anything on forums before neither did I think my first post will be about separation and divorce.

 

I married my husband 3,5 years ago. We have 19 month old son and I am pregnant with daughter due in a couple of months. I am in a very difficult situation right now and it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I came from another country to marry my husband. I met him in perfect circumstances, on a mission trip and fell in love instantly. He told me in the beginning of our relationship that he had gone to two drug addiction treatments but when I met him I could not believe how person can be drastically changed. I came from a dysfunctional family. Father in and out of my life, alcoholic, cheated on mom, physically abusive to her, lived in poverty, mother developed mental illnesses because of her relationship with father, ended up divorcing. So I did develop codependency and I believe I subconsciously chose chose my husband because I wanted to help him.

 

Anyways, that's just a little background. The reality is that my marriage has been hell for most of the time. I can't say we didn't have good moments but there were so rare. My husband got back to his addiction, now it was less harmful one by his opinion - alcohol and weed. I have been covering up for him for a long time, forgiving, trusting him again after he would say it was the last time. He is extremely jealous, he builds cases around me, never can listen to me more than 5 minutes, yells, calls me names, swears. He blames me for everything, tells me I am not a good mother, useless, worthless, oh so many other things. He tells me how ungrateful I am for all he had done for me. He is gone most of the time either working overtime or hanging out with his loser friends. I am stuck home with the baby. Even though I have access to his bank account he tells me it is HIS money and I have no right to say anything in a financial matter because I don't bring the money. He never hit me but pushed me twice, broke my phone, and spitted in my face. He forced me to have sex with him many times even though I didn't consider it sexual abuse because I would give in every time.

 

He told me he used a massage therapist to do the handjob once and I considered it an adultery and left him. He then sought counselling and ended up going to a treatment center. His work sent him there.

 

Recently I found myself in a depression and thought it was because I was very homesick. I went to my country for a month and a half and while I was there I had an opportunity to look at my marriage from an outside perspective. While there I have decided to leave him. I came back recently only finding him going back to treatment again as he relapsed while I was gone.

 

So now I am sitting here very pregnant and with my son. I finally decided to leave. I am Christian and surrounded myself with Christians who have been telling me for years on how I should pray for my husband, suffer, forgive, give another chance and so on. Before I went to my country all people I went to talk to about my marriage issues have been telling me the same: be strong! Stay for the kids! Fight! Nobody said it would be easy and so on. And as a good Christian girl I just swallowed my hurts and kept loving and kept going.

 

But going home made me look at everything without emotions. My heart is telling me to get out and not let my husband treat me this way. But I have felt nothing else but guilt for what I want to do. Part of it is I guess pity for my husband as I had pity for my dad. I think how will he be without me, he will slip, he will fall. Another huge, actually biggest part of it is that I am going to leave my kids without a father. He is a good father to my son and I am depriving my son of him! Kids need their father.

 

Also I have guilt because I am going to do such an un-Christian thing and separate where I am expected to try counselling, try praying, giving him another chance and all that. His mom is the first one that tells me all these things.

 

And another reason for my guilt is that I came from another country and I am afraid people will look down at me like at another "mail bride" who just came to North America to get citizenship and then dump husband and rip him off. I am covered with guilt! And I also have many many doubts as I understand nobody in this world will tell me what to do and it is solely my decision and I do not want to do a mistake. And my biggest fear is that I will never find and trust another man to be with me. By the way, he has been my only serious partner and I do not know what is normal in a relationship and what is not. Of course, I don't want to think about another man right now but I do need some advice and comments regarding my situation to remind myself i am doing a right thing! I decided to leave but now as I stared to make real steps I have been doubting again! I don't want to be eaten by guilt and doubt anymore!

 

I would appreciate any feedback!

[GoBlue]

I am very sorry for the pain and confusion. I will state up-front that I am a Christian and I would never presume to tell you what to do. I will say, however, the reasons behind why you married your husband are not the issue whatsoever. Whether you did it because you have "co-dependent" tendencies or not is not the issue. Whether you believe it was true love or not is not the issue. What is the issue is what Christ wants you to do. That is what it means to be "Christian" in the first place. Many people believe that "happiness" can only be found when circumstances change. I want to underscore something very clearly, abuse should never be tolerated and your first priority is to protect your children. Some of the things you have said are very troubling that need to be taken seriously, "he never hit me but pushed me a few times", "he spit in my face", "he forced me to have sex although I consented", and "he calls me names". These are not loving or respectful in any way and have no place within a marriage. Your husband needs counseling and he needs to be confronted with the fact that these practices cannot be tolerated.

 

Having said these things, please understand that "separation" and "divorce" are not the same thing. I am not familiar with any Christian group who would condemn separation, especially for the purpose of counseling and healing. There is a book I highly recommend titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis" by Dr. James Dobson. I am also very familiar with a Christian Ministry that offers free counseling with a licensed counselor by phone. If you would like more information please send me a private message. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mr. Lucky]

Having said these things, please understand that "separation" and "divorce" are not the same thing. I am not familiar with any Christian group who would condemn separation, especially for the purpose of counseling and healing.

Don't agree with everything Go Blue said but this is spot on - separation is not abandonment. There is no reason to feel guilty over seeking a safe and healthy place for you and your child(ren).

 

Look at it this way - there's no way you can address the issues in your marriage while living in an environment of physical (trust me, pushing someone and spitting in their face is physical abuse!) and emotional abuse and turmoil. So regardless of the eventual outcome, you need to get out of the storm.

 

What options do you have? Family? Friends? Church? Time to start planning...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2.50 a gallon]

From what I have read, your are reliving your mothers life. The truth is your husband is very abusive. Children learn from their parents. If you stay with this man, and he does not make a drastic turn around in his life style, you will be in all likelihood, dooming them to a life that your mother and now you are living. Your children need a protector, and that is you. Go with your heart, separate and if he does not seek to change his ways, terminate, do it for yourself and more importantly do it for you children.