What's your tips for maintaining NC?

[Patna]

I'm going to start NC on my MM. It's the third time I tried NC, with both times lasting only 3 weeks at most. My past 2 experiences were that the first 2 weeks were especially hard. I cannot concentrate on anything but kept obsessing about him. By third week, I'll feel a lot better and less emotional. But it is also surprisingly during this time when I'm least emotional that I always gave in. I probably let my guard down when I'm feeling better.

 

I would love to hear how some of you manage NC and maintain it. The struggles and how you overcame it? How did you feel at different stages? Thank you for sharing!

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Patna, I took it one day at a time. When I wanted to contact or look up on the google, I just told myself: I'll do it tomorrow. Then, the next day, I'd tell myself the same thing. Every day. I could be strong enough for a day.

 

I'd also suggest not trying to think of things as "forever." Just one day...which will turn into one week. Which will turn into one month, one year.

 

Good luck!

[Sarabi]

This is what works for me(I am not saying it is right or works for all)...

 

Reminded myself of the horrible things he had said...to try to focus on the negatives of the whole thing and that helped to maintain NC somewhat. Why be in touch with someone who can be so horrible?

Yes, I thought of nice things and tried to play it over in my head and try and understand why he didn't want me...but after a while, realised this too is pointless. I simply don't have the ring and that is that.

 

Then once I was no longer obsessing, I think I tried to hope that good things would come to him and his family. I don't wish him any harm and I hope they get the best of all life has to offer...but he needs to stay the f**k out of my life heehee

 

Also tried to think of good things coming to me one day...am rapidly losing hope that my dreams of love will ever come true but well, its something else to think about...

 

Oh I still thought about him...and I still think about him and lately (stupidly) after more than a year we have had SOME contact...but for the most part, I blocked and deleted as much as I could. So that I could not be tempted. Bought something about thinking positive...tried going to meetups...

BUSY YOURSELF!!!

 

Plus at the time, work stressed me out big time and I was able to lose a lot of weight so there was that to take my mind off things...

 

Oh...I also set a reminder on my phone which flashed up and said "100days NC"...by the time the reminder came, I had forgotten I had set it but at the time, I remember telling myself that if I don't cave before getting that reminder, then that will be quite a while and I will be somewhat on the way to recovery.

[sunburned]

I suppose this is obvious but after two weeks just remind yourself what happened at that mark and how you failed on two previous occasions. Reward yourself for going NC for a month (i.e. buy yourself something cool). I did what Bittersweetie advised. I wasn't going NC for a lifetime, just today then I was doing it again the next day and so forth. For me, it was really self-respect. After he came on so strong for months then dialed back overnight, I really felt slighted. I didn't want to be the one tugging at his shirt sleeve, groveling ... what's wrong? why have you stopped paying attention to me? Yes, it hurts to be "rejected" once but why set yourself up for the repeat cycle?

 

One year of NC. Thanks, LS!

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Funny I was gonna ask a similiar post. Not that I am struggiling. I was ready for the NC after years of lies and being let down. It is great because this whole week he has been on vacation with his family. He will randomly text me that he misses me every other day. I just don't respond..I just delete. I am worried since I know he will be back in town in a couple days. He will try to flag me down in person. I don't want to cave because I am so tired of it. Only way he can prove himself is to not make me the OW and that's if I feel I want him then. I do wonder about him but weirdly I dont miss him. Ive been enjoying myself and busy with work. I only want to text him to go off on him for hurting me. But then I stop myself because he doesn't listen. So keep busy. Avoid..delete...repeat.

[Popsicle]

Stay busy. Distractions. And stay strong/firm in never contacting him no matter how much you think about him or miss him. Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel where you will feel good again, but don't put a time frame on arriving at this place. Just know it's there and you will see that day in the future. When the time is right, open your heart up to other men/women, so someone else can take his place.

 

There is great thread stickied somewhere on LoveShack that is a guide about no contact.

Edited August 15, 2014 by Popsicle

[Patna]

Thanks everyone for your helpful advises. I supposed the previous few times, I didn't take it a step at a time. I saw NC as infinity and that made me struggle and anxious a lot.

 

Is it normal to obsess about him during NC? I find myself obsessing about him more than if we were in contact. We are no longer together 2 months ago officially but still talk everyday although we no longer meet up. But I know this is still considered an A, thus I decided on NC. I thought by not meeting up, my feelings can fade off for him gradually and less painfully, since I find NC so difficult to maintain. But I realised after some time, the feelings though did fade, but it's only a little. And once he sweet talk me, the feelings came rushing back again.

 

Did your obsess about him? How long did it it take for your to finally reach a stage where he no longer pops up in your mind and your just enjoy being without him in your life anymore?

 

I just ordered some cross stitches online and I hope they can keep me very busy over the next few weeks.

[Popsicle]

Yes, it is normal to obsess about him. How long you will obsess I think depends on how quickly you replace him not only in your heart but also your mind. Not that there is a rush to replace him, on the contrary, I think you should not rush this, or it could be premature and the feelings will resurface later on at a bad time. Eventually (that could be a few months or a few years, just depends on the person) you will get tired, or dare I say, bored of obsessing about him all the time but with no interaction. Without you noticing it, your attention will drift elsewhere and he will be replaced.

[MayP]

Did your obsess about him? How long did it it take for your to finally reach a stage where he no longer pops up in your mind and your just enjoy being without him in your life anymore?

 

I just ordered some cross stitches online and I hope they can keep me very busy over the next few weeks.

 

I have been with that drug for over 6mths, he doesn't leave my thoughts at all. Not so much he popping in, but he has never left. No face to face meet ups. My friend said it could possibly take me another 1 year or 2. Hanging in there.

[Sarabi]

I just ordered some cross stitches online and I hope they can keep me very busy over the next few weeks.

 

Oh my, thanks for reminding me! I LOVE cross stitching!!! And I have two buried at the bottom of my undie drawer. One needs finishing...the other I can start...

 

(As for how long did it take before I stopped thinking about him. Well, can anyone ever stop? I still think about him but try to in a more positive way. Wishing him and his family the best as I don't see the point in being negative. Not so much thinking about wanting to be with him and wishing he was mine...)

[justmebev1]

I'm suffering with NC as well. I obsess and obsess I text a phone he barely looks at. He called the NC after his wife found out. I'm miserable without him, some days more than others. I think I have been thru every emotion possible. It hurts and at my age (50 on Sunday) I don't wanna feel or act like a teenager. It gets a little better each day.

 

Thank you all for the great ideas on how to keep NC.

[mightycpa]

You might want to just remind yourself he's married, and ask yourself if you really want to continue to be THAT woman.

 

If that doesn't work, maybe you could go talk to his wife, and explain your problem to her.

 

At 50, you ought to know better.

 

Oh, wait, this is a support area .... my bad.

[Poppy47]

When you begin to feel better, you also begin to forget the way you felt before. It was bad enough to make you do NC.

You need to recognise this is a danger period for you and distract yourself with other things.

 

I made a pact with myself. NC is NC ever again. If I break that rule, I know I will suffer all the dreadful feelings all over again.

 

I would rather keep the progress I have made.

Poppy

[Friskyone4u]

You might want to start by realizing that what you were doing was destructive to both yourself and another family, and that he is not leaving his wife for you instead of looking for support on your "missing"him. The best way to quit drugs is to just stop and you are an intelligent person and are just refusing to accept reality. Are you in IC??

If your child was a drug addict you would tell them to stop taking drugs.

Find something else to do with your time other than looking for people to tell you they understand why you need to keep breaking NC or sitting around waiting to be used again.

This fog crap with women lasts as long as you want it to. In most cases it is just an excuse to justify continuing the affair if possible. Men snap out of it quicker once the possibility of sex stops.

You have to do it yourself. No amount of support can change that and certainly not support that validates and understands breaking NC .

Until you believe it is what you really really want to do you will struggle and fall.

You can keep the addiction and you will be posting here for years

[glow worm]

When you begin to feel better, you also begin to forget the way you felt before. It was bad enough to make you do NC.

You need to recognise this is a danger period for you and distract yourself with other things.

 

I made a pact with myself. NC is NC ever again. If I break that rule, I know I will suffer all the dreadful feelings all over again.

 

I would rather keep the progress I have made.

Poppy

 

Hi Poppy, I'm in Sydney too

 

Your post is the exact thing that has kept me strong in NC so far (it's only been ten days NC for me right now but it feels like a major accomplishment.) Every time the temptation to contact sneaks into my brain I just remind myself of how horrendous I will feel and I will have to start my healing process all over again. I don't want to feel like that ever again. Ever.

[A.Moscote]

Hi Patna, I hope you are still well on the NC and steadily recovering. Be patient and keep on struggling against your emotions because as you said in the past the first two weeks were especially hard for you. Believe in yourself and your resolve, and take things slowly one step at a time.

 

Delay and procrastinate every time you are thinking of doing something regarding the affair/breaking the NC. I'm sure there are always some chores/task you can do instead. Take a more drastic/tangible act one at a time if you want to be more secure e.g. blocking, deleting contact.

 

Please don't struggle alone, be brave and ask for help from the one person committed to be with you a.k.a. your husband. If you maneuver your words properly, I'm sure he will agree to be your support. Indeed it can be an effective two pronged approach; helping you detach from your AP, as well as rebuilding whatever emotional intimacy left between you and your husband.

 

Be strong and optimist, you will get out of this fine with (a lot of) times and efforts. Hope at least you make it one week of NC today, you can do it you have made it three weeks in the past. Good luck.

 

P.s. Some nice reminders by Poppy and glow worm, think of the horrendous and dreadful feelings of breaking the NC, especially after all the efforts spent.

[Poppy47]

Couldn't agree more. It has to be a solid commitment to NC EVER before it will ever really work. It's all about truly letting go of somebody, NEVER to see them again.

 

If you don't have that firmly in place, you will keep going back to the affair.

 

Poppy

[Owl]

I'm not an OW/OM, nor a WS. But...been around here a little while, and I know what I've seen help folks here, and in my own life.

 

1. Make sure that you clearly communicate to the other person that it's over, and that they are NOT welcome to contact or communicate with you ever again. (Don't end it ambiguously...that gives them reason to reach out to you and break NC from their side...some people do this deliberately in light of this knowledge).

 

2. Be willing to enforce a consequence if they don't follow rule #1. This could include telling their spouse of the affair, or any number of things. Never threaten something you're not willing to do. It's not a threat...it's a consequence that they're informed of up front and aware they will incur if they violate NC.

 

3. Take active measures to prevent resumed contact. Remove their contact information from your accounts/phone/computer/etc... Block their number/email/IM's. Change your numbers where possible. If you're accustomed to seeing them in the place that you met...change your plans so that you no longer go there. It may not seem 'fair' that you have to change...but you can have 'fair', or you can end the drama. (Passively ending contact rarely works the first time...because either they or you break NC in a moment of weakness because it was so easy to do).

 

4. Fill the time you used to spend with them with something else instead. Exercise/working out is a perfect substitute. Take up running, working out...martial arts is great for this. It fills the time, uses up the energy, and occupies the mind with learning new skills instead of leaving the mind free to roam and reminisce.

 

5. Mentally 'change the channel' when the mind does go back to dreaming of them. It's not easy...it was a technique I had to learn as a soldier recovering from PTSD at first...and re-learned later as a BS dealing with my wife's affair. When your mind wanders to 'him'/'us'...as soon as you realize what you're doing, deliberately and intentionally 'STOP'...and then redirect yourself to focus on something else instead. It gets much easier with practice.

 

6. Have a support system. LS is great, but real life friends that you can reach out to for help at 2am when you're having a melt-down is better. Friends and family that you can trust with the information...folks that love you even when you don't feel very lovable...that you can talk to and ask for some backup help when you need it. A couch to crash on, or a shoulder to cry on.

 

7. Remember...you WILL survive this. It seems hard to believe sometimes...but folks go through far worse than what you're dealing with every day. (Take it from a former soldier). You're tougher than you know, more resilient than you realize...and if you make it through today, you'll see tomorrow. And...tomorrow does NOT have to be like today!

 

Hope y'all don't mind some advice from an old bird, and a former BS.

[OWAmy]

I ended my affair by email. I said I don't want to be the OW any more. It is not conducive to living a simpler (and better life'. I asked him not email, text or call me again and I would do the same.

 

There was no ambiguity and there has not been any attempts at contact on either side. I respect him more now for respecting my wishes.

 

A lot of people on LS are under the mistaken belief that they are in NC by not replying to messages as frequently as they would do etc, etc. You cannot be in NC if the other person does not know. It has to be communicated else all you are doing is game playing!

 

I have found NC an absolutely brilliant way to get over xMM fast. Sometimes I think about him, but without any feelings of loss, hate or love.

 

The first couple of weeks were. The hardest but I kept telling myself not to expend any more energy on someone who will be getting on with his life and likely not be thinking about me all that much!

 

It is always a good time to go NC. I went NC out of the blue. He was likely anticipating a lovely dovey response instead he got the NC email.

 

If you initiate NC you regain some power. I know now I won't be getting myself involved in a tangled romantic situation in the future.

 

Remind yourself you are only delaying the inevitable and will have to restart all over again if you break it.

[Patna]

Just an update of how I'm doing. It's the 14th day of NC. I told him not to contact me anymore, & for the 1st time, he didn't try to. The first 11th days were ok, but yesterday & today were bad days. For the first time since NC, tue was the only day I didn't had to work or any activities planned. I was actually worried but I turn out fine.

 

Yesterday I suddenly missed him while driving in my car, and the thoughts stayed. This morning I woke up feeling upset. Kept having random thoughts these 2 days... Been crying and feeling so ****ty.

 

"So what am I doing NC for when he doesn't even cares that I disappear?"

"He must be so relieved I'm doing NC. He probably can't wait for me to be gone."

 

I felt a lot of anger and hurts. Angry that I'd been used, been allowed to be treated this way, been allowed to be a doormat, etc. I almost wanted to call him to give him a good scolding, but I stopped myself, because I told myself not to waste any more time on such a man. These emotions are not new but caught me by surprise because I haven't been angry at him for quite some time since he was quite sweet to me before I went NC. Maybe the fog lifted up or the anger just arrived only now. In the midst of anger, I'm missing him terribly, and it sucks when someone who matters so much to you also disappeared from your life completely as if you were nothing to him anyway. I'm drifting from missing him to being upset at him if I make any sense at all.

[FusionCutter]

Just an update of how I'm doing. It's the 14th day of NC. I told him not to contact me anymore, & for the 1st time, he didn't try to. The first 11th days were ok, but yesterday & today were bad days. For the first time since NC, tue was the only day I didn't had to work or any activities planned. I was actually worried but I turn out fine.

 

Yesterday I suddenly missed him while driving in my car, and the thoughts stayed. This morning I woke up feeling upset. Kept having random thoughts these 2 days... Been crying and feeling so ****ty.

 

"So what am I doing NC for when he doesn't even cares that I disappear?"

"He must be so relieved I'm doing NC. He probably can't wait for me to be gone."

 

I felt a lot of anger and hurts. Angry that I'd been used, been allowed to be treated this way, been allowed to be a doormat, etc. I almost wanted to call him to give him a good scolding, but I stopped myself, because I told myself not to waste any more time on such a man. These emotions are not new but caught me by surprise because I haven't been angry at him for quite some time since he was quite sweet to me before I went NC. Maybe the fog lifted up or the anger just arrived only now. In the midst of anger, I'm missing him terribly, and it sucks when someone who matters so much to you also disappeared from your life completely as if you were nothing to him anyway. I'm drifting from missing him to being upset at him if I make any sense at all.

 

Hey I'm on day 14 too! Hang in there. It's like swallowing glass. But it's the cure. It's an indescribable feeling to give up someone you truly love, but really, it's for the better. Don't feel like a lesser person. You are a bigger person. All the MM/MW have to do is give up the person they don't truly love. But they selfishly wanted to have both instead of caring for other people's feelings. You did the right thing.

 

Sacrifice, healing. Moving on. Find something else/someone else to live for.

[herself]

Awe my heart goes out to you and all in nc, its so emotionally draining some days and others it is empowering.

But the heart feels even more broken while in contact.

Think of the upcoming holidays. Wouldn't it be great to have the season free of wondering what Xmas parties they are going to as a couple and not be sad that someone elses spouse cant spend the day with you?

Trust me he is going through withdrawal too.

So let him.

Try not to give a **** what he is doing or thinking or feeling.

This is your time and your about to learn your own strength...2 weeks...then 3...then 4...you CAN do this.

Job search

Gym

Day trip or long weekend out of town

Outdoor concert

Girls night out

Facial/massage/haircut

Naps

Enter a marathon or fun race

Volunteer

Go into the city and be a tourist...

 

As for me...I am looking for a job in a whole other city.

I want a whole new life and fresh start.

But whatever keeps you from slipping back.

Decide this time is different and stick to it!!

Chin up! Keep walking!

[Cali408]

Do not negotiate with yourself. No means no. Understand the situation is hopeless. Once you overcome these 2 things, the rest is easy.

 

You aren't going to look, email, peek, call, text, stalk.

You aren't going to be with them. If you were, wanted to, they wanted to, you would be.

 

Breaking no contact is like putting your neck on a guillotine. It will get chopped off. Not at first, but you'll be emotionally cut and bleed

[glow worm]

Although I'm not tempted right now to break my 19 days NC, because I know it will just make things worse and undo all the progress I've made, I do find it incredibly hard to cope with being in NC. It has helped me to write quotes and affirming messages in large letters on computer paper and tape them to my bedroom walls. Here are some of the quotes I have on my wall right now that really help me:

 

"I am better off alone than in a bad relationship."

"Keep your goal in mind and take small steps, you will get there one day."

"I believe that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today."

[I'mNotYours]

6 weeks of NC here, and I often want to contact him. But what makes me not do it is the fact that contacting him won't change anything. He's still married and he's not going to be with me.

 

If I reach out, maybe we would meet, have sex, and then he will pull away again like he use to. Conclusion: as long as he's married, breaking contact doesn't make sense.