I'm a single 28yr old sOM with 38yr old MW

[FusionCutter]

Been browsing this forum a lot and there seems to be a lot of good information.

 

Finally would like some guidance on my situation. I first came across this woman on a photography social media platform. She seemed really interesting and her photos were so good (and had no info about her being with anyone)

 

We started chatting and I asked for her phone number. Then we started texting, and a few days in I asked what her status was, and she said was married. Suddenly I was like okay well. We had good conversation going so I didn't want to just throw away a good connection. I decided to keep her my 38 year old "pen pal" and told her all aspects of my life including my dating life. I thought it would be so cool to have a 38 year old married woman on my side. We talked about life and she educated me on things. It was great.

 

Needless to say, the texting got out of control. We were both hopelessly addicted to our phones. It was just such a joy to text her and I knew she was smiling on the other end on the phone. It honestly felt really good to make her smile. And I could do it effortlessly. I found comfort in the impossibility of being with her (cuz she's married) but that didn't stop me from doing little sweet things (like Gift songs from iTunes) to make her smile. That was probably my mistake.

 

She asked to perhaps meet up a a few times, but I said, no way, not unless she got her husbands permission. She said she understood and she didn't attempt to ask again.

 

We kept texting and after about 2 months of us started texting I asked to meet up with her because she had some supplies that I could use for a project. I promise I wasn't looking for anything and the meetup was actually really awkward, since it was so nervous on both sides. I wasn't looking for anything.

 

But then eventually we started going for casual dessert or breakfast and talking, and before you know it, we were locked in a passionate affair. I was confused for weeks and scared at what was happening, but at the same time really listening to my heart. We really fell for each other. And eventually got physical, and it was really so nice. It wasn't meaningless sex, there was really a strong connection. I decided to stop the physical aspect because it was too much for me to handle. We still continued to text and keep contact. We have literally sent each other tens of thousands of text messages in the past 6 months.

 

She has never told me a lie and has been super truthful. Her husband sounds like a solid standup guy, but maybe just a little bland. Dated for over 10 years, a marriage of convenience.

 

I should mention there are zero kids involved. (Just dogs). Gosh, if there were kids involved I would never ever.

 

I am sure she is definitely feeling confused and her feelings are genuine. However I don't know what to do. I know perhaps the right thing to do is to walk away, but I tried that and it was 4 days of emotional hell before I broke down and made contact with her.

 

I definitely feel in my heart that she is a good woman, and we arrived in this situation in a bit of a "perfect storm" of variables.

 

I don't have a troubling history of chasing married women or anything (I've only had 2 girlfriends around my age that were very normal relationships)

 

Somehow there is something so special about this woman and I really don't mind her age at all. She isn't using me for the physical aspect (since I stopped it), but in our recent meetups we can't help but embrace and kiss each other pretty lovingly. And it feels so amazing.

 

I know, it's always the correct thing to go "walk away and ask her to divorce and if she really loves you she will do it." She has a business and a nice home with her husband and I really have no place in it.

 

However, we both can't stay away from each other. We care for each other really deeply and she has told me some of her really deepest secrets and feelings within her life. I get a really good sense of honesty when we talk. She makes every effort to see and think of me.

 

I think she's trapped in her marriage and would love to get out, I can tell she would be a happier person. She's so happy when we hang out and just talk. I see the fire in her eyes and I'm smiling a lot too. I'm happy to connect with her even if I've stopped the really physical aspect. (I simply can't deal with idea of being so intimate with someones wife, but in my twisted mind I think hugging and kissing maybe is okay. I know it's not, but the mind can justify such screwed up things.)

 

 

I'm really scared that I could force myself to walk away, deal with the emotional hell for months and maybe she thinks my feelings for her aren't real. I really do deeply care about this woman, and to her defense she thinks "How do I know this guy isn't easy come easy go."

 

Since we've been in this for over 6 months I am certain she sees me as genuine. I have always been totally honest with my feelings, good and bad. She told me honestly that she's thought that if the time was right, she would "just know."

 

 

We always look forward to seeing each other, and texting her is such a joy. We really get upset is more than 5 hours goes by without a text message.

 

 

A lot of people say NC is the way to go, but really it is so tough. In the situations with OW and a MM it seems the MM will never leave. But in this case I definitely think the MW is really strongly considering leaving. She's definitely confused, and I don't know if going away would clarify or fog up her position. I definitely would love to be with this woman, as selfish as it sounds.

 

There isn't a lot of talk about the OM in this forum and I would welcome any feedback. I am happy to answer any questions. I have been to therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping. My therapist told her to read "womens infidelity" and I got her a copy. She is starting to read.

 

I would love any guidance from anyone who's been in a similar situation. Please, no rude comments, we are all adults. I have a decent education and yet found myself in this kind of situation. It's the same with her, she's had a good upbringing and actually I see her being a "loyal" type. I don't believe the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater." In fact I think it's more like "Once a cheater, never ever again."

 

I would love any guidance on how to make her see some clarity for me or her.

Edited August 14, 2014 by FusionCutter

[blue963]

Fusioncutter as you are single i know it would be difficult, i think it might be best to move on. These relationships do have positive things to them. Unfortunately, you do give up alot of yourself and it is very tough mentally and emotionally. Just curious, why is she having this affair? What is going on in her marriage? That may give you some answers.

Edited August 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted content

[ChasingHope]

With that being said, I think the only thing you can do, for your happiness, is let her go. It's corny, but what they say is true--if you set it free and it was meant to be, it will come back to you.

Edited August 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted content

[FusionCutter]

Fusioncutter as you are single i know it would be difficult, i think it might be best to move on. These relationships do have positive things to them. Unfortunately, you do give up alot of yourself and it is very tough mentally and emotionally. Just curious, why is she having this affair? What is going on in her marriage? That may give you some answers.

 

We must be getting something out of it if we were both in the situation. For me I think I have an issue with self-esteem and expressing love. I kind of see her as a mentor, and as cheesy at is sounds, she is making me a better man, at the expense of emotional turmoil.

 

We don't usually talk about her marriage but she will say things like "It's nothing. There's like nothing. We just kind of co-exist."

Edited August 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FusionCutter]

With that being said, I think the only thing you can do, for your happiness, is let her go. It's corny, but what they say is true--if you set it free and it was meant to be, it will come back to you.

 

You are right. I don't think she is "using" me persay, she is so so nice to me. She's confused and I just expected her being older she would automatically know what to do. The situation is really confusing, but the more I think about it, you are right, I really should take the hit and walk away. I have tried twice already.. 3rd time might be a charm.

 

I know she's happier with me in the picture. Maybe I provide some relief in her marriage. We obviously get something out of it. We both care for each other. She will also say things like "Don't worry, you are not responsible for me or my marriage. It was already broken before you showed up."

 

It's so incredibly hard to leave when there are things said like "I am so incredibly sad at the thought of you gone." and she has a lot of stress when I went NC for 4 days. I don't know if I should slowly wean myself off her, because the sudden nature of NC was so incredibly painful for both of us. I was in literally in bed for a days doing nothing in the nicest days of summer. Breaking away is really hard but I know I have to do it.

Edited August 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HermioneG]

We must be getting something out of it if we were both in the situation. For me I think I have an issue with self-esteem and expressing love. I kind of see her as a mentor, and as cheesy at is sounds, she is making me a better man, at the expense of emotional turmoil.

 

We don't usually talk about her marriage but she will say things like "It's nothing. There's like nothing. We just kind of co-exist."

 

Gently, you are becoming a lesser man, not a better man, by participating in this.

 

Nothing that involves this level of deceit is going to be better. You also have no idea what her marriage is really like. Unless you are in their bedroom, you do not know the truth.

 

You deserve so much better than this. You do. I would absolutely believe that you have self image issues, and I would assume she does, too. Healthy people don't do this. They don't lie and create relationships like this.

 

Please seek better for yourself. You are worth it.

[DKT3]

You fill a void, something she feels is missing in her marriage. Sadly, you won't know how she really feels about you until her husband finds out. Its really not evident reading here, but most affairs end with the spouse finding out. Its normally just over without warning to the OM/W.

 

My question is why would you allow yourself to become trapped in this situation? In the most likely outcome you will be left standing alone.

[William]

As a reminder, lack of respect for fellow members now results in instant suspension, with moderation after that suspension varying in length due to the nature of the transgression. Further, do not engage members who are being disrespectful, rather report them to moderation. This ends the encounter, as such people feed on responses, as well as makes things easier for moderation to clean up and lessens clutter of unproductive content in otherwise topical threads. Thanks!

[FusionCutter]

You fill a void, something she feels is missing in her marriage. Sadly, you won't know how she really feels about you until her husband finds out. Its really not evident reading here, but most affairs end with the spouse finding out. Its normally just over without warning to the OM/W.

 

My question is why would you allow yourself to become trapped in this situation? In the most likely outcome you will be left standing alone.

 

Thank you for this. I likely agree with you. When people are forced to operate in the realm of reality things really change. If her husband finds out it probably will be the worst for everybody.

 

I'm really scared that if I leave maybe one day in the future he will find out and he will haunt me. That ship has sailed though and there's nothing I can do. I can't go back to a time where I didn't hold her hand or kiss her.

 

 

I had some thoughts at approaching him directly and confessing what I've done, but is that a terrible idea? Do I have any right?

[FusionCutter]

Gently, you are becoming a lesser man, not a better man, by participating in this.

 

Nothing that involves this level of deceit is going to be better. You also have no idea what her marriage is really like. Unless you are in their bedroom, you do not know the truth.

 

You deserve so much better than this. You do. I would absolutely believe that you have self image issues, and I would assume she does, too. Healthy people don't do this. They don't lie and create relationships like this.

 

Please seek better for yourself. You are worth it.

 

Thank you for this. I really needed to read this. Isn't it amazing how the mind can justify things to be right? The deception is what kills me. You are right. Healthy people don't do this to each other. People who truly love each other don't do this to each other.

[DKT3]

Be careful thinking she is being totally honest with you. The things she says in the dark will most likely change in the light.

 

I wanted to touch on something you talked about. You say she is happier with you in her life, this is something that you see a lot in affairs. The question is would she still be happy with you in her life if she had to give him up? Affairs are selfish, the wayward spouse often puts their needs above everyone else involved Bs, AP and any kids. The combination of all is what makes them happy. Its the whole 80/20 thing, where she gets 80% of her needs met by husband and 20% by you. In this case she has no intent on changing anything, she simply wants two different worlds. Her real one with him, then her escape one with you. The problem is your life is true in a holding pattern, with really no hope of a future with her and no prospect of one with anyone else as you watch the days go by while she has it all. Who is that fair too? Not you, not her husband, but she is having a grand time. Really with no REAL care about the outcome or fallout for either you or him.

 

I think its really pretty simple, either you can wait around for her to leave him (which is unlikely, even if she did it will be a yo-yo relationship) or find your own woman, start your own family without a woman that cheated and lied. Its really a pattern, that she would most likely repeat even if you get her.

[FusionCutter]

Be careful thinking she is being totally honest with you. The things she says in the dark will most likely change in the light.

 

I wanted to touch on something you talked about. You say she is happier with you in her life, this is something that you see a lot in affairs. The question is would she still be happy with you in her life if she had to give him up? Affairs are selfish, the wayward spouse often puts their needs above everyone else involved Bs, AP and any kids. The combination of all is what makes them happy. Its the whole 80/20 thing, where she gets 80% of her needs met by husband and 20% by you. In this case she has no intent on changing anything, she simply wants two different worlds. Her real one with him, then her escape one with you. The problem is your life is true in a holding pattern, with really no hope of a future with her and no prospect of one with anyone else as you watch the days go by while she has it all. Who is that fair too? Not you, not her husband, but she is having a grand time. Really with no REAL care about the outcome or fallout for either you or him.

 

I think its really pretty simple, either you can wait around for her to leave him (which is unlikely, even if she did it will be a yo-yo relationship) or find your own woman, start your own family without a woman that cheated and lied. Its really a pattern, that she would most likely repeat even if you get her.

 

It's really nice to have a fresh outsider perspective. I can't really talk in detail with any friends and a counsellor is a paid guidance person with only one point of view. So I really appreciate the time spent by a stranger like yourself to offer input.

 

She's allowed me to go try and seek other girls and I've come to realize the affair is really impeding on my ability to do so. I felt like I was "cheating" on MW simply by having a coffee with a single girl the other day. I know it causes her to be upset if I am with another girl. I know the irony of the situation but I can understand a little how she feels. Maybe she's emotionally dead in her marriage and that's why she can't cope with the idea of me being with someone else. It was so strange. You would think I could feel so good in my situation of having the affection and care of MW while I could look for a woman of my own, but it really is so tough and conflicting since my feelings feel so incredibly loyal to MW.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It's really nice to have a fresh outsider perspective. I can't really talk in detail with any friends and a counsellor is a paid guidance person with only one point of view. So I really appreciate the time spent by a stranger like yourself to offer input.

 

She's allowed me to go try and seek other girls and I've come to realize the affair is really impeding on my ability to do so. I felt like I was "cheating" on MW simply by having a coffee with a single girl the other day. I know it causes her to be upset if I am with another girl. I know the irony of the situation but I can understand a little how she feels. Maybe she's emotionally dead in her marriage and that's why she can't cope with the idea of me being with someone else. It was so strange. You would think I could feel so good in my situation of having the affection and care of MW while I could look for a woman of my own, but it really is so tough and conflicting since my feelings feel so incredibly loyal to MW.

 

 

You do understand that this MW does not want her husband to be with someone else either. That is why she hasn't divorced him, she isn't prepared to have him take his emotional/financial resources and invest them into a new relationship.

 

You are absolutely 100% correct that being involved in the affair is impeding your ability to date from a place of being single.

[jellybean89]

We must be getting something out of it if we were both in the situation. For me I think I have an issue with self-esteem and expressing love. I kind of see her as a mentor, and as cheesy at is sounds, she is making me a better man, at the expense of emotional turmoil.

 

We don't usually talk about her marriage but she will say things like "It's nothing. There's like nothing. We just kind of co-exist."

 

She wouldn't tell you "man my husband rocks in bed and makes me feel like a princess". They are married 10 years...more likely than not, she likes the attention you give her. All new relationships are tingly and exciting. 6 months and things are all glitter and unicorns.

 

You and her are living in a bubble...no financial stress, daily chore stress, daily life stress. Everything is fresh and new, not humdrum and boring.

 

When her H finds out, and that most likely will happen, what then? Plus, if she is so unhappy, she can leave! People with kids divorce daily. They have no kids. Yet, she stays. Even after "falling" for you, she stays.

 

Women tend to make their mind up quick. Women seem to go with their feelings more than guys.

 

Tell her it's time to poop or get off the pot. It's not fair to string you along while she goes home to her H every night.

[Pinklotus]

You sound like a nice guy. I agree that once a cheater, always a cheater isn't always true. I do think that she doesn't really know what she wants. So she wants both right now. She wants it all: what he provides and what you provide. You don't really know for sure since she doesn't talk much about her marriage. She may love him still, or she may just want the security. Or both, who knows. But the bottom line is that she is with him. Has she ever talked about wanting to end it? How long are you prepared to wait for her? There are so many questions. Like somebody said, would you want each other if there were no barriers. That's always a question in affair situations.

 

I commend you for ending the PA. That must have taken some willpower.

[FusionCutter]

You sound like a nice guy. I agree that once a cheater, always a cheater isn't always true. I do think that she doesn't really know what she wants. So she wants both right now. She wants it all: what he provides and what you provide. You don't really know for sure since she doesn't talk much about her marriage. She may love him still, or she may just want the security. Or both, who knows. But the bottom line is that she is with him. Has she ever talked about wanting to end it? How long are you prepared to wait for her? There are so many questions. Like somebody said, would you want each other if there were no barriers. That's always a question in affair situations.

 

I commend you for ending the PA. That must have taken some willpower.

 

My whole life I've tried to do the right thing, which makes me feel all the more ashamed for me to end up in my current situation. Honestly even though I knew she was married, spending time with her felt like was single. And when she went home it was like she went home. It was like out of sight out of mind. She's mentioned very briefly when I asked if she would be planning a divorce. She said "thought about it, yes. " I was so bipolar during this time because I wasn't sure if I was getting played like a fool. No sane woman would be silly enough to engage in an affair pretending to not know what the consequences were. I always tried to get her to think in reality.

 

I don't think I should wait. I should leave. That's the right thing to do. It's just the withdrawal is so severe it causes me sleeplessness. Weight loss. Job performance hit at work. Speed loss. And acne.

 

I wish there was an easy way to stay away. But I guess it's the only right thing to do. The most important thing I've learned from this affair is I feel remorse and sadness at hurting a man whom I've never met. Yet I can't keep away. I really need to gather strength to leave and accept this is a woman I simply can't be with.

 

I've tried to leave this situation twice and failed. Maybe a 3rd try will be easier without a relapse. I wish there was a situation where everyone is happy but I simply don't see it.

[FusionCutter]

You do understand that this MW does not want her husband to be with someone else either. That is why she hasn't divorced him, she isn't prepared to have him take his emotional/financial resources and invest them into a new relationship.

 

You are absolutely 100% correct that being involved in the affair is impeding your ability to date from a place of being single.

 

How messed up and damaging affairs can be if I feel like I am betraying her by seeing other girls as an effort to try and get her off my mind. I guess the only way is NC because even though it's painful it's the only road to healing. Just one message or something will throw me back go square one.

 

Affairs are pure poison to all parties involved. I need to gather strength to walk away. That's the only way to limit the damage so I can start feeling normal instead of being going insane of what she does at night at home.

[Pinklotus]

It would be better to walk away now than to wait until your self-esteem and mood are completely demoralized. Or before DDay hits.

 

There have been two instances of NC for me. The first time was a couple of weeks ago. He didn't contact me for 4 days without warning or explanation. The first day was miserable, and the second nearly as bad. The third was easier. I was actually feeling like maybe I could deal when he contacted me and it started all over again.

 

Today is day 4 since he wrote to me last. I wrote to him two days later and I haven't heard back yet. And I am finding I am one hell of a lot happier not communicating with him. I just want it all to go away and get my life back.

 

My point is, I guess, that after a rough couple of days, you will start to feel better. Ramp up your exercise, make a ton of plans with friends. Treat yourself to whatever makes you feel good. Pamper yourself, as they say. It will get you through the worst of it.

 

If drug addicts can do this, so can we.

 

And then you'll be free to find a beautiful girl who loves you and is yours alone. You sound like a catch. She's out there somewhere, so let her find you and vice-versa!

 

 

 

 

 

My whole life I've tried to do the right thing, which makes me feel all the more ashamed for me to end up in my current situation. Honestly even though I knew she was married, spending time with her felt like was single. And when she went home it was like she went home. It was like out of sight out of mind. She's mentioned very briefly when I asked if she would be planning a divorce. She said "thought about it, yes. " I was so bipolar during this time because I wasn't sure if I was getting played like a fool. No sane woman would be silly enough to engage in an affair pretending to not know what the consequences were. I always tried to get her to think in reality.

 

I don't think I should wait. I should leave. That's the right thing to do. It's just the withdrawal is so severe it causes me sleeplessness. Weight loss. Job performance hit at work. Speed loss. And acne.

 

I wish there was an easy way to stay away. But I guess it's the only right thing to do. The most important thing I've learned from this affair is I feel remorse and sadness at hurting a man whom I've never met. Yet I can't keep away. I really need to gather strength to leave and accept this is a woman I simply can't be with.

 

I've tried to leave this situation twice and failed. Maybe a 3rd try will be easier without a relapse. I wish there was a situation where everyone is happy but I simply don't see it.

[FusionCutter]

It would be better to walk away now than to wait until your self-esteem and mood are completely demoralized. Or before DDay hits.

 

There have been two instances of NC for me. The first time was a couple of weeks ago. He didn't contact me for 4 days without warning or explanation. The first day was miserable, and the second nearly as bad. The third was easier. I was actually feeling like maybe I could deal when he contacted me and it started all over again.

 

Today is day 4 since he wrote to me last. I wrote to him two days later and I haven't heard back yet. And I am finding I am one hell of a lot happier not communicating with him. I just want it all to go away and get my life back.

 

My point is, I guess, that after a rough couple of days, you will start to feel better. Ramp up your exercise, make a ton of plans with friends. Treat yourself to whatever makes you feel good. Pamper yourself, as they say. It will get you through the worst of it.

 

If drug addicts can do this, so can we.

 

And then you'll be free to find a beautiful girl who loves you and is yours alone. You sound like a catch. She's out there somewhere, so let her find you and vice-versa!

 

 

This woman took everything from me, emotionally, it was my own fault for giving it to her. I am already demoralized and my self-esteem is an all-time rock bottom low.

 

If you are the the OW or OM, I really want you to consider this. Imagine in another world you were actually married to your MM or MW.

 

Now imagine he/she was running off and communicating with the spouse of THIS world, behind your back, and telling them how much they loved them.

 

How hurt would you be? Your pain would be so much more than what you are feeling.

 

The correct way to feel is that the OM/OW is not a victim. The Betrayed Spouse is. They did nothing wrong.

 

The pain that I feel now is necessary and of my own doing. I decided to cut all contact with her tonight. And I have measures to help keep me accountable. If you feel the urge to text, then text a number that is not valid. All the messages and things you want to say will go unanswered. Write email messages and send them to a fake account. The writing will be an emotional cartharsis.

 

I used to be such a lively, vivacious person with such a positive outlook in life. Now I'm battling severe depression, profound loneliness and even occasional thoughts of suicide.

 

It really does suck. I don't know what to do. It's the thought that I could never love someone the same that really hurts me.

 

 

How could I fall in love with someone who hurts me so badly? Perhaps this is what the BS would also think if he discovers. I fear that he will haunt me in the future if something happens. That he may physically hurt me or confront me. I would accept his physical hurting since I caused so much emotion hurt for him.

 

 

I'm trying hard to do the right thing. If I never hear from her again then I find out her words were fake. That she never really loved me. That really hurts so much.

 

When her H finds out, and that most likely will happen, what then? Plus, if she is so unhappy, she can leave! People with kids divorce daily. They have no kids. Yet, she stays. Even after "falling" for you, she stays.

 

Yes, you are so right. Not even a hint as a step. Separation is a long road, and it's been 6 months. Just the slightest action would mean something.

 

 

 

We said "I love you" to each other which in my book are words that change worlds. I would sacrifice anything for this MW and it feels so foolish to think that. It's so easy to get seduced by words. But just a lack of actions speaks louder than anything.

 

 

No contact really is the way to go, and maybe it hurts so much. But just remember, the pain that your fellow woman or fellow man would feel, as the betrayed spouse. It is your pain multiplied by infinity.

 

The right thing to do is to walk away. It simply doesn't matter what the OM/OW feels. Right is right. If they truly and really loved you, they would leave to be with you. Everything else is just an illusion.

Edited August 15, 2014 by FusionCutter